Hi current and future moms!
As a former infertility patient, I remember how painful Mother's Day would be for me. I remember going out to lunch on Mother's Day after finishing another unsuccessful round and having the extremely well-meaning host at a restaurant hand me a flower and say, "Happy Mother's Day! How old are your children?" I know he meant well, there was no way for him to know, but it still hurts just thinking about it all these years later.
Anyway, my question to you is this: is there anything anyone can say to make that day less painful? Words I can share with the community to let those who have never experienced infertility know how incredibly difficult Mother's Day can be? Thanks everyone!
I'm sorry you went through that, but what you are asking are for words you can use to dampen other people's Mother's Day. I have no words for you except to ask you not to do that.
I wish I could offer a "sure" fix to make it less painful. I went through infertility and it wasn't just Mother's Day for me...it was anytime I went to the store and saw mama's w/ their precious babies and wonder why I couldn't have any. For me, just talking about it and knowing that while someone may not understand, but is there for me, helped.
Sadly, while I was trying and my husband's and my family KNEW we were trying unsuccessfully, my SIL thought it would be good to share news that she was expecting her 2nd, and told us on Christmas Day. She didn't mean to hurt my feelings or upset me and I would never begrudge anyone lucky enough to have a family, I was devastated. BUT, that was 14 1/2 yrs ago...I now have a 13 & 12 yr old myself! W/ NO help from drugs, docs or tests!!!! Funny how things work out!
I wish you and anyone you know (you don't say if this post is for you or a friend, actually) prayers for peace in whatever happens.
What bothered me most was when people would tell me "why don't you just stop trying." Well, why don't YOU just stop breathing and tell me how easy that is. For me, I wanted to have kids so badly, I couldn't just "turn it off." I had to be emotionally and mentally ready to say "no more!" Once I did get to that point and put 100% of my focus elsewhere, we got pregnant! (Yes, I do have multiple issues that contributed to my infertility.)
Anyway, best of luck and peace!
No one knows that pain until they have lived it. We tried for 6 years, and I was a mess at every holiday, baby shower, and baby section of a store. When you want something SOOOO badly, and everyone else seems to do it so easily. Ugh.
We finally were able to conceive our 2 children (our miracle babies), and I still remember that pain. I think about it often, and try to never take my children for granted (something I felt others did).
On Mother's Day, I usually stayed home, or went to one of my MIL's houses.
My mom died when I was 29 (I'm 38 now), and those years without her and without kids, nearly killed me on Mother's Day. :(
I think the biggest message you could convey is to not assume. Most moms don't go out for Mother's Day without their children.
Not just Mother's Day. But every time I walked by or through the baby department in Target, or Walmart, or Meijer, my heart panged. On summer vacations, watching other parents with their children on the beach. When someone I knew had a baby, or invited me to the baby shower. At Christmas time, when I walked by the Mall Santa's and saw all the excited kids in line waiting; when I heard a chorus of elementary school kids singing Christmas carols; when a group of kids made their First Communion at church, I cried. And I would ask God, why not me? No one knew why there was a tear in my eye. But now, I have a beautiful little girl who God blessed me with (got pregnant on my own) who I love with every ounce of my being, and I appreciate so much what being a mother means. But I still remember how much it hurts to think that you will never know how it feels to be a mom.
I'm so sorry for your pain and heartache. I do believe motherhood begins in the heart, so keep your heart strong by not letting go the reasons you want to be a mother. Every mother wants the chance to love, nurture, grow, influence and even manage someone from innocence to wisdom. If you are like that then you are not unlike any of the other mothers on here...the only difference is your house is probably cleaner, quieter and you are getting more sleep than those with children right now. If you go out on Mother's Day, take that flower, hold it proudly, and know that one day your heart's desire will be fulfilled in ways you can't even imagine :)
In the meantime, if anyone asks, just tell them "no kids yet!" and get on with your day.
I recently read this article on the very subject, a single, childless woman who fights to attend church every Mother's Day b/c it's just too painful for her. But she had a really great conclusion and some good examples on what others can say/do to help.
http://www.lds.org/ensign/2012/04/my-search-for-motherhoo...
As for the well meaning host, you can simply say, "No kiddos yet!" or turn it around and ask, "How old are yours?"
I haven't been through infertility, but everyone's experience is different. My friend has 4 children, and still considers herself one who struggles with infertility. It kind of makes others with no children feel sad how she openly talks about her infertility, because she had a rough few years in the beginning. Embrace your blessings.
Mother's Day just SUCKS!!!!
It sucked back in the dark ages (15 years ago) when I was married and trying desperately and unsuccesfully to have a baby, and either nothing happened or I miscarried again and again.
And it sucks now when I'm a single mom of a YOUNG child. Everyone always asks "What did you get for Mother's Day?" And I'm like "He's THREE, did YOU take hime to WalMart? Neither did anyone else, so I got nothing!"
I think Mother's day only doesn't suck if you have a thoughtful man in your life or thoughtful adult children
This answer is going to be slightly off topic and I don't mean it to be insensitive in ANY way. The pain of infertility must be huge. I can only imagine and my heart goes out to anyone dealing with this issue.
A friend of mine had a perfect son and then she and her husband decided that they wanted to open their home and heart to a child without a family. Because they were young and still trying to figure out where they wanted to live, they weren't eligible to adopt. So, they decided to have another baby. Totally normal pregnancy. Their wonderful second son was born full term. However, he couldn't breathe. They spent 10 agonizing days in the hospital but their baby had an incurable genetic problem with his lungs. He died in their arms.
These people are now full swing in the adoption process! Of course, they miss their wonderful son but their desire to give love to a parentless child is so great that they are going through the whole process - and it is a huge process - and will become parents to at least one and maybe two children who need a home. We never know how life is going to turn out. Although the pain of infertility must be huge, just because you are infertile doesn't mean you can't be a parent. Maybe adoption is an answer.
