Desperately Need Help and Advice About Having a 3Rd Baby...

I remember when my daughter was about age 3 and my son was age 8 I suddenly had this huge craving to have another baby...it was a really strong feeling. Babies are just so amazing, adorable and miraculous...not to mention sweet and cuddly! Anyway, I really believe now it was hormones. The feeling passed. I am 100% happy with two kids. Good luck with whatever you decide....there really is no wrong answer here. I personally would never want to go back to the infant stage, the nightly feedings, the spit ups and puking, the diaper blow outs, the exhaustion, etc! I am very happy to be out of that stage in life although I will always find babies adorable.

I was the baby born with siblings 7 and 6 years older than me. My sister and I had nothing in common, we were related but that was it. My brother was 6 years older and he took the time to play with me, teach me sports etc. He and I were close as adults but the age gap was too great to ever have much in common growing up.

'Every minute I spend obsessing with this decision is one less minute I am spending make memories with my children'

This is a quote from a good friend who was obsessing over having another child. She talked with her minister and decided that there's always something in everyone's life that they look back on and wonder if it was the right decision. Should I have taken that job? What if we hadn't moved away from family? Could I have done something different that would have avoided that accident? Life is full of should have would have could have moments. Having more children is just another thing you can look back on and wonder about.

In her case they decided that they had all the children they were going to have and she volunteered in activities that brought her around young children. She was the official baby holder in her extended family and babysat for everyone.

So I think you need to have a serious talk with your hubby about what you want your family to be and walk away knowing that its done. .

I've got 4 boys. They are all spaced 2 years apart. We didn't really plan it that way, it just happened that way.

I have friends who have an "oops" baby. While they love her to death and know she was meant to be? Their lives changed because like you? Their kids were in school. Now their older daughters kinda get roped into "watching" the baby sister. There was some animosity there from them. Which happens in every family!

You've stated that infancy stage is hard on you and your marriage. Why put yourself through it? Great! If it happens, it happens. Don't force it.

If we got pregnant now? Well - I'm in my 50's so it would be tough. And the boys would love their baby brother or sister, it would take a toll on them as well. I've got one graduating high school, one sophomore, and 8th and one sixth. If we got pregnant? it would be like starting all over again...yikes!!

Do you REALLY want to be up all night again?

After I had our two I never wanted to add to our family. To me, our family felt complete. My husband would have loved more children but he traveled a lot and the thought of more kids and working was overwhelming to me.

Do I regret that? NO! Our daughter and son are 4 years apart. I have enjoyed being their Mommy. However, they are now grown, educated and out of the house. My husband and I are having a BLAST!! We travel, buy stuff for our new home and enjoy each other.

You would have a pretty big age difference. Your kids will start getting into activities. Are you going to want to bring a baby/toddler to those activities? If not, will your kids resent that?

However, you need to make a decision. Either try to have another child or accept that this is your family size. The "if it happens it does" is what is driving you nuts.

Good luck!!

Be happy with the two that you have that are healthy and past the baby stage. I wanted a third and hubby didn't at time. Later he wanted a third but I was out of having to start all over again. So, we didn't have the third. It was fine that we didn't as it would have caused a problem in finances and in how we would have juggled getting the other two to and from scouts, sports, and ballet.

There will always be what ifs. The third could cause hardships in other ways in your marriage and family. Take the money that you would spend on the third and put it towards your retirement.

Hospitals always need a person to hold and change babies. So if you want your baby fix do it that way. Then you can go home and put your feet up and relax and not chase a toddler.

the other S.

PS I used to work in the Pediatric ward so that I didn't need the real thing. Life was good and still is. Soon grandkids will be at your door.

ETA: I did have another I meant to say! (I worded that funny first time)

Few things I can share

- your older children will not likely be friends with your youngest one (if there's quite a gap)
- your older children will likely resent the change in dynamic a bit at least (your baby will become a middle child)
- It is a lot harder - pregnancy, waking in the night, going to all the older kids' activities bringing a baby with you, etc. because you will be older
- it will be just as stressful on your marriage as before, if not more so - you will be far more busy as the other 2 are off doing their own things, and this will increase as years go on
- if it is a boy, then you have to buy everything over again but for a boy (clothing, etc.)
- if you do things as a family with friends, they likely won't have one the same age as your youngest to play with (that can be a pain)
- there will be the 'best friends' and then one left out a lot of the time

While some of my friends say wish we had one more ... we went for it, and I never have felt that way because I was so done by the end of it :)

My husband and I wanted to have 4. We were blessed with 2. We have 3 in Heaven.

Be happy with God blessed you with already. Adding to your family right now would be a major upheaval. Your kids are independent. They would be put in the position to baby sit when they are ready to go out on dates. No. Enjoy baby time with other people's babies and be thankful you can hand them back.

My sister is 7 years older than me. My brother is 5. We were military so we HAD to get along. However, I know from personal experience that my sister and brother both were upset when their plans were changed because our parents needed to go to a function and someone had to take care of me.

I wouldn't know what to do without my sister. Nor would she know what to do without me. As she posted on my facebook wall for my birthday, she said :...lil Sis, all those years ago I didn't know what I'd do with you, now I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you."

STOP obsessing and start enjoying and living your life with what you have NOW.

Go back and read Diane D's response. She said it very well.

Look at the time you are taking away from making memories with the sweet children you have.

Hubby and I were on the same page and felt very complete with our 1 child. We took into consideration the expenses of raising a child including providing her college education so she can graduate debt free. We strongly feel that is a parental obligation and she had a college fund started before she was born. There are numerous other expenses and potential expenses as well as being able to provide a good stable home. My husband was on the road a lot when daughter was younger. He put stress on himself to never miss any event she had and he sacrificed his sleep and more in order to be here for us.

Your girls will be older, they could feel like used babysitters for you. You can't guarantee great sibling relationships.

I'm 6 years older than my brother. We were never close and I was used as his babysitter along with babysitting for my moms friends when they would go out and socialize after their divorces. I was never compensated by them and I resented being used.

I don't think it's responsible to have unprotected sex unless you are both prepared mentally and financially for the potential change of dynamics in your family.

As Diane said.... there are always what if's. I would be ever so thankful for what I have.

Use your energy on your girls. Volunteer to help people who have babies... church nurseries, hospitals, etc.

In my community there is a need for nursery volunteers for my grief group I attend after losing my husband. There are more than you know moms and dads who lost spouses and have young children who could benefit from the program but can't attend unless they have a sitter for the little ones. Programs are in place for children about 3+.

Think long and hard about why you want another, what changed you are prepared to deal with without complaining about what hand you've been dealt. Hubby should be very involved with this decision.

Good luck and I hope you find your peace.

When kids are 6 or more years older than their siblings, they love them, but there isn't typically a huge bond, because they are at such different stages of life.

But if you want another kid, then have another kid. I will add that IMO odd numbers of kids are difficult -- two is kind of perfect, two parents, two kids, but with three kids, one usually gets left out in some way.

You need to have this conversation with your husband. Being jealous over a friend is not a good reason to have a kid.

How does the other person who will be involved in the baby-making feel about raising another child?

First - please don't have unprotected sex with a "if it happens, it happens" attitude. Becoming pregnant - or not - is not a sign of any kind. Talk with your husband honestly and then decide. This is too important of a decision for you, your husband, your marriage, and your kids to leave to chance.

That said, it is totally normal to look at babies and feel nostalgia for the baby days. I'm the woman who plays peek-abo with toddlers across the restaurant when their parents aren't looking. I love holding friends' and relatives' babies - rocking them, feeding them, I'll even change a diaper to give the parents a break. When I leave them, I miss the baby stage. And then I go home, get a shower in peace, sleep through the night and realize how good life is now that we are out of the baby stage. My point is that it's completely normal to look at a happy stage in your past and miss it. But there is no going back in time, and you can't recreate the past.

You should have another child if both you and your husband are ready to embrace all of what a new baby could be - boy, girl, typical, special needs, colic - because you don't get to choose what kind of baby you get (I know you know this, but from your post it sounds like you are imagining a theoretical perfect baby, not reality, and you need to accept reality of all the possible things a new baby might be before you make a decision).

ETA: Well, I have 2 siblings who are 6 and 5 years older than I am. I also have a younger sibling. We joke that we were 2 different families. I was not close to my older 2 siblings growing up. We just didn't have anything in common. And I know that oldest sibling resented having to babysit and I resented my bossy older sibling telling me what to do. It was also quite different because I had the younger sibling to play with, so when my older siblings paired off, I could pair off with that sibling to play our own age-appropriate stuff. At amusement parks, one parent would spend the day in the big-kid part of the park with 2 kids while the other spent the day in the little-kid part of the park with 2 kids. It worked for my family, but it was a small town in a different era - my siblings could walk to their sports practices and dance/music lessons. I wasn't forced to spend all day riding in a car while my mom taxi'd older kids to their activities, etc.

I'm not saying that it can't work. Plenty of people have 3+ kids in their families and love every minute of it. I'm saying that you should go into this with your eyes open about how it will change your day to day life.

You've got 2 beautiful kids.
You have to put them through college and save for your retirement at the same time.
With 2 - the kids don't out number the adults.
You never know what you're going to get - maybe a third would be 'the best baby ever' or maybe it would be incompatible with the other 2, or special needs.
My sister and I were the only 2 my mom had - but we were/are so incompatible the fighting and bickering just never ended till we moved away from home and lived in different states.
To this day we can't stand each other.
It would have been so much better if my mom stopped after having me - I always wanted to be an only child.
The 'you'll never regret having another baby' argument has been proven wrong in very many cases - so don't let that sway you.
My friend always said if her 2nd child had been her 1st - she never would have had a 2nd child.
Her first was really easy going - her second was high strung and seriously difficult to raise.
With 2 - you have some resources to have them in band or sports or other classes.
With more - the available resources just aren't that available.
Count your blessings, tighten up on that birth control and save up for celebrating at Disney (or where ever) once you ship your last child off to college.
Child rearing is a wonderful special time - but there's so much to living to do once it's over.

Hello,

You've received some solid advice and I don't have much to add except to say that none of has a crystal ball. So while you know with certainty that the newborn stage is challenging (been there, done that, four times), you can only surmise as to whether your girls would bond with a new baby, or if you'd have regrets later on, etc. You simply cannot know.

Regarding spacing, there is never any guarantee. I have a brother ten years younger who I adore and we speak all the time. My husband has a sister twelve years younger and they, too, are very close. I know siblings two years apart who just aren't very close. We have two girls six and a half years apart...right now they are seven, and one, but each is delighted by the other and it's beautiful to see their relationship blossom. Developmentally, it seems like a big deal when they are little (one teething, one in ballet, etc) but that gap closes as they grow.

Yes, the baby stage is very difficult, but it's temporary. You'd get through it just like you did with your other two. I guess when I read your post, I thought to myself, hmmm, this is a mom who says she has spent most of the year thinking about this...that seems to me like someone who doesn't feel her family is complete.

I wish you the very best in making a decision. I can tell you that the mothers I've known who have been in a similar dilemma, and went on to have that third child, had no regrets. In fact, those babies ended up bringing a depth of joy, light, and love to their homes that they never, ever anticipated (and no, the older children were never expected to become babysitters). Those mothers viewed bringing another baby in to their lives as *adding* to the memory making, not detracting from...

As the youngest of 4, with the next closest being five years older with another sibling only a year older than she (so they were thick as thieves and best friends), let me tell you, it sucked growing up. They left me out of everything. They couldn't relate to me, and I couldn't relate to them, and by the time I was 12, they were out of the house and I was an only child. It was very lonely. Please don't do this to a kid just because you need fulfillment. Get a hobby. Open a daycare. Volunteer at a hospital as a baby cuddler. But don't do this to a kid of your own.

I had similar thoughts about having my third.

I can tell you this. I was thinking the other day that I am so thankful that I am done with "babies." I have zero desire to add another child into the mix. I think you truly feel it when you are done. I can happily hold a friend's baby but just as happily smile that it isn't mine!

Oh me, oh my! I love my 3rd baby. It was still hard, but it was so easy! You don't have the steep learning curve, you don't have another "Baby" to care for when you have that close second. Instead, you have this little bundle of joy that really is a bundle of joy! I spent two years contemplating having the third. I knew I wasn't done but was scared to just go for it. We are all so grateful for our little 5th wheel.

I guess since you guys have been seeing what happens that hubby is on board for this. Good for you guys.

I think that you will be fine if it happens or not. Knowing that you tried and it didn't work out verses just deciding to not try anymore might leave you feeling like you didn't fully explore the idea and give it a true shot.

There are 15 years between me and my brother and 11 years between me and my sister. I was quite the accident.

They were raised in an entirely different generation that I was. My sister was raised in the 40's and 50's and was raised to be June Cleaver, perfectly dressed immaculate homemaker mother. She and I don't have a lot in common and I think she's very much like someone who has a stick up their hiney sometimes.

But I love her very much and we talk nearly daily.

My brother has always been my hero. By the time I was born he was almost out of high school. He went to Vietnam and came back safe. He has his issues but he's a wonderful loving big brother.

I think you should go with what you and your husband want. If it doesn't happen at least you will know you tried and it didn't work out so you'll have no regrets. If it does happen then you will be prepared.