DESPERATE For Advice from Experienced Moms

You are not overreacting at all. Since your brother brought this to your husband, I think that means that your brother is reaching out to the stable adults in his life for help. (If he were happy about getting a fake ID and going to strip clubs, he wouldn't have said anything.) He trusts you to help him, and that's a good thing. You and your husband need to tell your cousin and father in no uncertain terms that they will not be visiting with your brother unchaperoned anymore. It is definitely not ok to take a 16 year old to a strip club, nor is it ok to give a kid with a family history of alcoholism a fake ID!! With those kind of friends, who needs enemies?!

K.,
Go to the cousin and your dad and ask them what the heck it is they think they are doing. Sounds like dad might have had something to do with the ID, or at least knew he had it, or he wouldn't have been able to get in. I too think that a guy should be able to do stuff like that occasionally when warranted, but not at that age. I would also confiscate the liscense and shred it. If that were any of my kids or under age relatives I would blow a gasget. My kids would be grounded for a very long time for doing somethlng so stupid. Did your dad also let him drink while he was there? Totally not cool. I have three kids ages 19,16 and 15. We recently kicked out my daughters former boyfriend of two years because he wants to drink, party and smoke weed as much as possible. Having a bad family life is no excuse either. I grew up with an alcoholic parent, believe me I know. By the way do you have legal custody of your brother?
W. M.

Oh wow! This is a tough situation however I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your brother. Approach it from a big sister perspective. Tell him that you are not upset and that you just wanted to see how he was feeling about getting a fake ID and about going to a strip club. Ask him if he really feels that he is ready to be "all grown up." Find out if he was pressured into these decisions or if he asked to get a fake ID and go to a strip club. If he asked, then find out why. There is obviously an issue there that would need to be addressed. If he didn't ask for the fake ID and to go to the club, then you need to intervene and make sure that your dad understands that it is not appropriate to take a 16 year old. Just remember to approach this with compassion and respect. It sounds like you are the only stable family your brother has right now and you do not want to break that bond. Also explain to your brother that your husband did not break his confidence. He merely felt that this was an issue that you, as the sister, needed to know about and help your brother deal with. No matter what - don't get mad at your brother. Just love him and try your best to guide him. Remember - you are the sister and not the parent. There is only so much you can do. And if your brother is a good kid then don't worry - he will stay that way. Everyone experiments a little. Good luck!

I and my friends got fake ID's when we were 16. It was fun. I still have mine, actually - it's pretty obviously fake, it says "New York ID" on it. I guess liquor laws were a little more lax at the time, 'cause the bartenders did let us in the bars on Fire Island, but all we did there was play pool.

You say your brother is a GREAT kid. Trust that. Great kids don't change overnight. It is a little odd for your dad to take him to a strip club - in my opinion, that seems a little too chummy between father and son. However, you can't stop what your dad does, and it probably won't really hurt your brother, anyway.

Just read the other responses, and I see my response is at odds with everyone else's. But it's good to have varying opinions. Ok, I'll add that since your brother confided in your husband, then I guess your husband should be the male who is your brother's guide in life, since your dad is obviously immature.

You need to call Dr Laura! 560 am....after 7 or 8pm I think.

Tell your husband that obviously something has to be done, so either he can do it, or you will do it, and your brother will find out your husband told you about it.

Then you or your husband call your cousin and tell him he cannot have any further contact with your brother, and if he does you will call the police. As for your dad, that's a little more problematic, but you or your husband will have to tell him that since you are the legal guardian, that you have the responsibility of keeping your brother safe, and that if he ever does something like that again, you will call Child Protective Services, and he could lose his right to see his own son.

Then you will need to sit down with your brother, and explain to him why you have done this, what your concerns are, and why sneaking around causes problems in families, and openness is always best.

one thing i would add is that it would be good to speak with him about his increased risks of alcoholism. be frank that he needs to be aware and be more careful, since it is a big struggle for you mom. there are many good resources to read online ahead of time if you're unsure of how to speak about it. it will be hard for a 16 year old to see that far into the future, but he should be more understanding since he knows first hand how damaging the disease can be.

secondly, when you and/or your husband speak with him, let him give his side first. listen to him. i agree that he wouldn't have told you if he was thrilled about the ID and strip club. i think he instinctively knows this is out of bounds and *wants* you to set up some boundaries to protect him and show him how to deal with this. he may first tell you that he hates you, but i think he really wants and needs to feel safe right now.