Desparate Mom Needs Help on Improving My Son's Behavior

I'm going to sound mean, I KNOW you love your son because you wouldn't be asking the mamas for help, but from your letter, he sounds miserable because no one is paying attention to him. His bio-dad isn't involved, your husband seems to not be involved either, and you are involved in so many things (work, toddler, etc) that you're not really involved with him either (in your own words, you "just realized" you didn't help him connect with other kids when he lost his friend connection).

He needs discipline when he does bad things - that's true, but you need to get the whole family on board and showing more love and affection/attention to this little boy or there's going to be a LOT of trouble down the line. You say his personality seems to have changed, and I would guess that he's depressed by the whole situation (though I'm not a therapist). Your husband needs to get on board with this - when he married you, he married your son too and YOU need to make him realize this and deal with this.

I don't know if you'll need family therapy, but it'll take time to turn this around. Use the summer as much as you can. Each of you take time to have a day with him (or night) - just with him. Get a sitter for your daughter and BOTH go out with him. He needs to know you care - you have to SHOW you care. Even adult like to hear it and feel it, even when they KNOW someone loves them. He's only 5 and he's not old enough to "know" someone loves him if they don't act like they're interested. I know life is busy and hard (believe me), but we can't let our little ones fall through the cracks.

This is sad, but sadly a common issue. The fact that you even noticed it shows you're a good mom and want to be better. Yes your son feels rejected: not that this is true, but from HIS point of view, he probably feels like he's lost his dad to "whatever", he lost his mom to a new dad and sister, and lost his friend to a new friend. You do need to start implementing things to do to show him that he's special and loved, and pointing out characteristics and traits that make him special. When I was little, I had similar feelings (new dad, absent "bio dad", new kid brother who the "new" grandparents adored, etc) and somewhere along the line mom did change. I would go on "girl day" with mom while my brother went with my step dad, and they would switch and dad would take me somewhere while my brother went with my mom, AND we had family day other times where all 4 of us went out. It will take not only affirmation and loving words and outings though, but you will have to work together as a family to build his trust. Sounds to me like his acting out and not wanting to be friendly to people is a way to keep from getting disappointed or rejected again. So many times our wanting to change someone's behavior really means we need to change our OWN behavior. I don't mean this in a mean way; life is busy and things happen...but that doesn't mean a 5 year old who's feeling vulnerable is going to be able to understand that. I'm pregnant now, and remembering how I felt when my mom "replaced" me with a little brother, I am already planting seeds now to make sure my son knows he's awesome, and still a star. He's got his big brother Tshirt that he's so proud to wear because we make a big deal of it...when people comment about the coming baby, I say "Yes, and Joseph is the big brother!!!" It's all about redirecting attention to him ALSO. From another mom on this site, I got some awesome advice about getting him his own toddler camera and stuff so he can show us HIS view of the whole event of having a younger brother and daily life as a big brother later. Perhaps you could not only attempt to get him in a playgroup, but in church he may have a friend to play with there that you could invite somewhere and get to know his/her parents. Church is a good place to meet a friend. Also, I would suggest letting him choose something he'd be interested in doing: karate? soccer? lego camp? Something he can do and grow in to develop his self esteem and where the whole family goes to see him practice or compete or whatever. Also, I remember not liking anyone because "noone liked me" when I was about 10 and my mom showing me the Bible verse that goes something like "He who has friends must first show himself friendly" and explaining that if I want people to be my friend or be friendly to me, I need to show them that by being friendly and being someone else's friend. This can so get better! But it is something that needs to be addressed, for everyone's sake.

V.,
All I can say is Patricia took the words out of my mouth. Absolutely, the behavior may resolve itself....this is a critical time in his development too....he is developing his sense of self....please take Patricia's advice....children are resilient so he will bounce back with some genuine and sincere love from both of you. My husband is closer to his step dad than his bio.....your husband will make a HUGE impact in this young mans life; good or bad, but one will be made.

Keep it simple, divide and conqueror on weekends and one of you take the daughter and one the son...run errands, stop for ice cream....but TALK and express love and point out his strengths and character traits that are positive. The next time, switch which child you take so he bonds with you both.

Love is so important and ALL it takes is effort.

Hi V.,

I've been divorced and remarried. My husband not only loved me but loved my children as well. He adopted them as his own and treated them as such.

Your now husband needs to step up to the plate and pay attention to his son because by marring you, he is now his father and needs to show that he loves him. He doesn't just have a daughter.

As one person said to someone I know that had this same issue, "If you love your wife, you love her whole and that means loving her children too".

Your a family now and that means all of you, not just the children he has with you.

This baby needs both of you and his sister. There is no reason why he and his sister can't have time together and bond, and never make one feel more loved then the other.

They are both special in their own ways, look for that and praise it.

Love and Light,
Rev. G. Hudson, Reiki Master.
www.reikigailhudson.com