Defiant Behavior Among Authority!

Dear Defiant behavior:

I have a 7 year old daughter who seems to be going thru the same thing. I have learned to teach them respect along with discipline.

Remind the 14 year old how would he like to be treated and to remind him that respect is earned not given. If it continues you could start taking away privileges. I have done this with my 7 year old and she gets one warning. After that she loses her tv, phone time, story time and dessert time for the night. If she continues after the warning has been given and punishment has been given then she loses for another night until she gets the message.

I realize that 14 is a lot different then 7, but I am telling you this truly does work and I stick to my guns. We all worry about making a child unhappy, but in the end they will respect us for it.

Good luck.

A.

Hi S., I am sorry you are going through this with your son. My one daughter is much younger than your son but we went through a similar situation. The thing that worked for her was losing her most prized possessions when she was misbehaving. We took all her things dear to her away and she had to earn them back with her good behavior. I think something like this would work with your son too. The only difference is the "possessions" are bigger for him (I am assuming).
We sat down with her when things were calm and told her our plan. It seemed to have an impact. I hope this helps and good luck.

I recommend this book "How to talk so teens will listen, and listen so teens will talk" by Faber. FANTASTIC book for handling that sort of thing. Good Luck!

I'm so glad to see the How To Listen book mentioned. That's exactly what I was going to suggest.

You may want to read the series, it is invaluable!!! Liberated Parents, Liberated Children...How to Talk So Your Children Will Listen, How to Listen So Your Children Will Talk

(Faber and Mazlich) I used to work with special needs people, and these books were the best I ever read. Completely changed my life and work.

They are based on the work of Haim Ginot, who wrote Between Parent and Child. Ebay and Amazon usually have them.

I'm glad you are seeing the teachers are part of the problem here.

I was thinking that studies have shown that the one common characteristic that perpetrators seek in their victims is compliance.

I would focus on "healthy" rebellion rather than obedience/compliance. He is also a teacher. How can he teach his teachers?

I see myself as a midwife to my children's emotions. How can I help them get it out in healthy ways? Write a letter they won't send? Take notes as they let it out?

I like to get it all out, either when it is me or when it is my children that are angry, then think about how can we say or do something that will say what we need to say, but be able to get past their ears.

I tell my kids people's ears shut when they feel attacked.
(And most of this is coming from those books.)

I have seen really beautiful things happen that way.

Sorry to be so long.

P.

Hi S.,
You are right. You need to nip this before it gets any worse. I have four sons and every one is different. What I have learned is that every behavior has a consquence.
Wether it is a good one or a bad one. When he is disrespectful don't react just act. Say very calmly that is no way to talk to me and there will be no vidio games for 2 weeks. Then prceed to take the whole system away. It can be anything what ever is his weekness. But what ever you say make sure you stick to it. So think before you blurt out pointless punishments that you know you won't stick to it.
It is being consistent calm and sticking to what ever you say you are going to do. Teen agers need to know that WE are the boss.Every time he gets in trouble in school make sure there is a consaqence at home. he might think twice before mouthing off to a teacher if he is grounded for the week end . or his cell phone is taken away and so on. On the other end make sure you let him know when you apreciate good behavior. And how proud you are of him. To sum it up be consistent, stick to what you say. No Idiol threats they know that!! Good luck. These things seem to work for me.(sorry about the spelling)
S. F

Dear S., I don't know if I can give you advice, but at least empathy. My daughter is 16 and we are experiencing similar issues. It is normal for teens to test authority and push the limits, it is up to the authority figure to respond appropriately. When the authority figure fails to do so, we parents are caught in the middle.
We moved to a small town 3 years ago thinking the school here would be more down to earth: were we up to a surprise! Not only do we find it dificult to deal with the school, but also with other students. What is more shocking to me, other parents are totally oblivious.
I come from another country and I am not very familiar with the school system here. When I went to high school we had student committees, parent committes and teacher committees that met regularly and discuss all issues pertinent to the school, not just fund-raising. Here I do not find this. I try to reach out and form relationships with those teachers who seem more receptive and take a humble approach. It is very frustrating.
In the meantime I am teaching my children to be respectful of others, even when they are different, to be tolerant and open-minded. . I am also teaching them that even younger children deserve respect, and that if we want to be respected we need to earn that respect.
I know this is what I believe in and I hope my children will learn that too.
Hang in there, teach your child what you know is right, and know that you are not alone in the struggle.
Also, what is the Bilingual District Parent's Center?

I have caught myself expressing negative opinions about certain authority figures in front of my kids and that is wrong. Our children adopt our way of viewing the people around us and if you are frustrated with the school personel then chances are so is he simply by following your lead. I'm not saying that this is what is happening but you have expressed your own mistrust in the teachers in your request so maybe he is just taking cues from you that you are not aware of.
If that isn't the case, then I agree with the other poster who said to take away privelages and make him earn them back. We recently did that with our oldest son and it worked like a charm!
Good luck

Hello
When I read you message my heart went out to you.
I am a single mother and when my son was twelve we had a very difficult time, (He wanted to commit suicide - I felt helpless - with few people to console me). Now - he is in college and because of his defiant behaviour has become an individual I am truly very proud of. But I had to get through those years - when his disrespect really hurt me.
He was teased in middle school and I suppose took this out on me. Now - he is a chemical engineering major in a top college and he tells me, "Mom - I was a geek in school but here I fit in. I have found those people that I need to be with". He loves Research and is at an international school for research. It took a while - but hang in there. You don't know who he will become - but he will find it and let you know.
He is the most wonderful individual - but very idependant!. In preschool I liked the fact that he went off to daycare etc. without crying! But , in looking back I suppose with this in dependance goes this defiant behaviour in adolscence - I guess!. He seemed to need to take it out on me! It was tough.
If I can help - Let me know.
J.

Check out the book "the power of positive parenting". It talks about parenting teens and the "junk' behaviour they exhibit that is part of normal behaviour for their age. There are appropriate ways and reasons to challenge authority and teaching your son the difference can help. Reasoning and real two way conversations and discussions will be more benficial than lectures which will make him challenge authoritity more. Have discussions with him about his problems were he offers the solution and what he thinks he should do about it. You may be suprised at how well thought out his answers are.

Dear S.,

The last of my eight children is in ninth grade at Schenley High School in Pittsburgh. While all of my kids had a hard with this period of emotional development, he is having the worst adjustment problems of any of my children. He is defiant and rapidly making enemies of the administration and his teachers. Nobody wants to help him because he acts like he doesn't need anybody or "any of this". He already knows better on every topic when I try to tell him something. He is a thorn in everyone's side and everyone would be glad to find a way to get rid of him, because the system is not equipped to deal with very much deviation from the norm or variation in learning styles for that matter. I believe he is scared to death of failing and that his cocky attitude is bravado to hide his fears. It is like, "I will tell you 'you suck' before you can tell me that I suck."
Based on my experience with my other kids, I believe this phase will pass. I keep talking to him until I am blue in the face, reasoning with him, appealing to his emotions, loving him unconditionally and believing in him when no one else does. For the love of Mom, seems to be the only reason that he does anything good these days. It is the only thing that seems to be working.
At the school, I am e-mailing back and forth with his teachers and being his advocate, just about every day so that they know that we are not going away without a fight. I keep insisting that these adjustment problems are normal and that the school has to help me figure out something to help this child and not just eliminate him. It helps that my other children eventually settled in and graduated and went on to college. Believe in your son and he will rise to the occasion of your high expectations of him.
Good luck,
N.

adhd medications may work in conjunction w/ clonidine for defiance disoders but enviromental and social issuse are most inportant for applying any medicine related calming may help

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