Dealing with Depression After a Vasectomy

I can relate. I had to have a hysterectomy. My brain said it was fine - my husband and I didn't want more children anyway. But emotionally... wow. I was not prepared for the emotional side. I felt like I DID want more children. I felt like that CHOICE had been taken from me. Emotionally, even sex changed because it was a poignant reminder of what could not be.

I wonder if women going through normal menopause go through this as well -- an emotional grief over knowing you cannot have more children, even though you know you don't WANT more!!

(((( hugs )))) to you. I understand, and think this is normal emotionally even though it may not seem logical and rational. It is a biological drive, and when the capacity is removed, our rational brain and biological drive clash. I understand about the dreams. I did as well... even though BEFORE the hysterectomy I did not dream about it.

I honestly don't know how I "got over" it. Acceptance. Focus on the wonderful life, children and husband I had. Understanding this is normal, and why I felt that way. TIME. Keeping busy. Other things happening in my life - bigger and more important -- yes - even more important than having more children (one of my children got very ill for a very long time).

In the mean time, If you feel really stressed and distressed about this - be aware that that can cause deterioration of our bodies and brain and lead to depression and adrenal fatigue. You need to take excellent care of YOURSELF during this time - with excellent nutrition, sleep hygiene, and exercise. Make that a number one priority. Add long-chained omega-3 fatty acids (fish such as salmon & tuna) to your diet or take supplements.

if you really want another child, why not consider adoption? there are plenty of kids out there that need a good home and loving parents.

My husband and I mutually agreed to his procedure, and my doctor agreed with our decision due to my difficulties during pregnancy. I still cried in the waiting room. I remember attending the homeschool convention, going home crying all night wishing we had four more instead of our two! Turns out my husband wished we had more! My bedrest with the pregnancy of my daughter literally killed me because I couldn't "be there" for my son. I just couldn't imagine doing that with multiple pregnancies and children. I feel so fortunate to have two healthy children. My son is starting to ask for a brother. I have decided to just include as many other children in their lives. We have alot of interaction with MANY playmates. I have made an effort to "replace" the sad thoughts with "happy" thoughts that I do have my wonderful two. I didn't think I would have them in the beginning! Also, there is definitely MORE OF ME for them! We will have a stronger bond between us because I have more time for them....and money...we can afford private school and other great opportunities...OK... there is some of my thoughts....hope it helps!

have you considered being a foster parent? there are so many children who need families like yours. healthy families that are loving and supportive. you may find that after a time of having foster children in and out of your life, that you feel like you would be overwhelmed to have more children, or you my find that you love helping these children in need so much that you wish to continue.

I agree that therapy is the best option. When you made the decision about the vasectomy I suspect your 2 year old was still an infant. Perhaps some of this mood is coming from fear of your life changing. If you have been happy being a stay-at-home mom, it might be scary to think that soon your youngest will be in school and you will have to think of how your want to adjust your life. Not saying this is it for you, but it could be an underlying issue. Try to get a therapist or a really good friend that you trust to talk about all of this.....

Mel

Hi C..
I too decided that after our second child was born that we were done and made sure that we were. Long story, here's the short version. Our youngest daughter was not expected to live when she was born so instead of tieing my tubes right after giving birth, we did it after she had some surgeries and we knew that she would be ok. I was sad about it because I love being pregnant, but I had to make a choice and stick with it because of the reasons that were right for me. College, food, clothes, financial restraints, etc. I made my choice and didn't look back. You can't look forward looking back. You made your choice and you have to live with it. I love other people's kidos with all my heart and gladly give them back when i am done. Yes, it does make me sad to think that I can't have anymore, but I am reminded of why I made the choice and keep pressing on. This fulfills me pretty much. Although if I could stay pregnant all the time, I would. But unfortunately, you must give birth eventually.
I occassionally take some holistic supplements to help when I am feeling a little more down than usual. Sam-E is one that I have taken with much success. It's all natural and you can buy it at pretty much any store (i.e. Meijers, Wal-mart, drug store). It helped me a lot and I knew that there were no ill side effects. There are some other vitamins that help with mood support. I would be glad to share that with you further if you are interested or you can google some holistic all natural mood support vitamins.
Many blessings to you and your lovely family.
W. from Indiana

It's great that you know that your feelings about the situation can cause problems for your marriage and your family down the road and that you want to do something about it now. I would would go talk to a therapist or some other mental health professional. It sounds like you need an objective person to hear you out and help you figure out what you truly feel and why. Once that's done then you can work on making any decisions about next steps. Best of luck!

Go seek some counseling. Depression is not a condition that can always be addressed by meds or working on it by yourself. You need guidance and need to talk to a third person that can give you an observer's view. I hear a lot of grief in your information above. In some ways there has been a "death" of something...a dream or a hope perhaps. Go talk to someone and you will see that talking will help you resolve or bring closure to the situation. And make you feel so much better and normal.

Oh C....I know how you feel. I am 59 years old and when I was in my 30's I dealt with the same feelings. It's biological, seems no matter what I knew, those feelings of having another child were so tremendous I also didn't know how to deal with it. It wasn't something I could logically understand. I knew that the children we had were more than enough for us to deal with financially and physically, but, my body told me otherwise. I didn't take any medications, and I didn't talk about it with anyone. Who would understand? I didn't even understand. All I can tell you is that part of my life I will remember almost as devastatingly as a loss, or a mourning of something or someone I had wanted and couldn't have, for many reasons. My husband couldn't understand, neither could my sister or mother, nor could I. All I can tell you is that our bodies sometimes try to dictate to our brains things that shouldn't and aren't the wisest choices. I wasn't a SAHM, I worked as a flight attendant so I wasn't home more than 3-4 days a week. Usually working on weekends so I could manage my daily life with my children during the week. I would like to tell you how blessed you and your children are to have you home with them 24/7 and hope there is some comfort in the everyday noise that goes along with family. You don't have to miss anything and it is the best time of your life. I only wrote you because I totally understand how you feel and can honestly tell you that this feeling will eventually leave, but the memory of it won't. Perhaps someday you too will be able to give support and compassion with understanding what this feels like. I would tell you to volunteer at your local church or hospital. There you will see how blessed you are even more so than you do already. I know you feel blessed, just a bit sad and confused with these feelings. You sound like a wonderful Mom and the rewards you will receive with these two may just fill the void and confusion you feel. Spring is here, so fill your days with the wonder those two children will give you everyday by looking at the world through their eyes. Believe me, keeping busy really helps right now. Just the sheer realization that the exhaustion you feel every evening from keeping up with your children all day will help. And, please tell yourself, even pinch yourself when the blues hit you....tell yourself you have everything you ever wanted and that this is "hormones" dictating or triggering your depression...and it's as real or as important as you allow it to be. Good luck C., and know that what you feel has been felt by most of us, we know what you're going through.

Does your husband's health insurance cover mental health? If so, I would strongly suggest that you seek help through that system. Last year was very difficult for me, and I decided that I didn't want to continue burdening my friends and husband with my feelings, and I started seeing a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. She's been a huge help to me, validating my feelings, and acting as a sounding board. I'm much happier now, and am thankful that I was able to find the help. I am on medication, as well, which also helped, but generally isn't the be-all, end-all. I think having the meds and the counseling has been most beneficial.

Good luck,
D.

Dear C.,
I am 48 years old and I thought I always just wanted one child and my husband got a vasectomy soon after the birth of our first and only child, a boy. Sometimes I thought I might have also liked a girl, but the cost of reversal surgery was out of the question. Looking back, I think we did the right thing, but I can understand how you feel.

I'm not a professional, but maybe talking to a therapist to explore your options and maybe even find out if there's more to your feelings of seclusion and depression than just your want of another child.

I do think that anytime you start feeling depressed and isolated it's a good idea to find a therapist that can help you work through and figure out what is going on. So many things can be a factor- weather, stress, sleep deprivation, diet, genetics, homones, etc. My husband has suffered with this for most of our married life and one thing I have learned is that you can't sweep it under the rug. One thing that has worked for my husband has been doing something active for at least 30 min. a day for at least five days a week.

girl you are going to be ok give it some time i will say that i have heard along time ago that woman get to wanting a baby around the time if they have any other children that is around the age of 2 something about that baby smell so in someways it is are minds and bodys that make us think we want a another baby i have a 3 year old boy when he was 2 i did the same thing the only thing with me is that i was the one who got fix as they say but now that hes passed that age i now know i really dont want any more i have 3 and that is plenty but trust me it will be ok i hope this helped the other thing i can say is enjoy your little one now cause the way things are in this world the way things are going up in cost and jobs not the greatest well you can see where i am going with this hope you get to feeling better and smile and be happy it will get better and you will be ok

As the spouse of a physician, the first thing that jumped out at me is the absence of any counseling or talk therapy to go along with the medication. Some patients are not encouraged to do that, but many simply don't do it b/c they don't see the benefits, are too busy, etc.

If you aren't taking any meds, then I'd definitely recommend counseling right away. I'd recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist, btw. A good psychological counselor can help you determine if meds are needed and your doctor can prescribe them.

Depending on your age, there may be hormonal changes going on that are adding to this. Is there a history of depression in your family?

Do you exercise regularly? These are a few things that come to mind. If you dont' think that your doctor is responsive, assertive, or creative enough, then go for a second opinion.

Good luck. Your situation is quite common, believe it or not, and you are wise to be paying attention, asking questions, and you sound motivated.

Went through a bit of that myself many years ago. Some part of me regretted the decision we made. I started helping out troubled kids, and that helped. Then my brother and his wife had a child, and they needed help, so I had my niece A LOT. That depression went away. I figured that it wasn't the being pregnant that I regretted, it was that wonderful nurturing of babies. But that was just me. Figure out what it is that you are missing and fill the hole. R.

It sound like the visions of children you see in your dream are those outside your home. You could be a moher to many children. Maybe working at a care center with children would satisfied your need of wanting to give love to those children.

I am 63 now. I also wanted 2 children, but had 2 boyus and desparately wanted a girl. Got lucky on my 3rd try and had the girl. When she was 6 weeks, he had the V. I had done terribly taking the pill, and it was such a relief, to be able to be spontaneou with our sex life. At 35, I had to have a hysterectomy, no more periods! Best day of my life. I have always tried to be positive. So, here are some positives for you to think about and they are very good ones. No more protected sex. With one less child, it will be possible to take a wonderful romantic vacation together. There is time for each child, one for you and one for him, 2 hands, to hold each child. College is very costly, but you can manage with 2. There are so many positives that I could go on and on. In this very overpopulated world, you have recreated yourselves, not more. I think, you will change in time, and you will be very happy for this. Little guy is still very young, but as soon as you can return to work, or do volunteer work, you will get back to your own life. Start making plans now. The world is big, and so much to see and do. Don't waste a minute being depressed. Good luck, K.

C., I do know how you feel. I have 14 yrs between my 2 ONLY'S Z will be 19 in April and M just turned 5 in December.
I started working in my church nursery with the ages of 12, 18, & 24 months... it quickly set me straight. I also had to switch OB/GYN's and I didn't want anything to stir up my feelings as our family IS complete. My DH also had a vasectomy. I always wanted more children BUT it was hard for me to stay PG once I got PG and I rather love on someone's else's children and then send them home at this point in my life, my DD is so independent right now and we can do things I might not otherwise get to do if I had an infant.

Maybe you can babysit a infant or toddler to 'get your fill' per say, it might be quick lived. If not you could look into fostering or adoption.

I am not sure what your faith is but I would pray about it, no matter what your affiliation is.

Also you may be feeling this as your youngest is 2 yrs old and that is when they start to become more independent and you may feel that you are not needed... REMEMBER you are needed but in new ways.. seek those ways out. Your life will still be fulfilling.

Hope this is an encouragement to you C..

I to went through a period of time when I just about went crazy wanting another child. With us I was the one that had a tubal after having our 5th child. 12 years later I wanted to have another so bad I couldn't stand it. I cried over everything. My husband didn't know how to deal with me. He tried but just wasn't sure how to. I'm not saying that dealing with it like we did is for everyone but for me it really helped. We adopted a little boy. He was my step-grandson. My son met and married his mother when Josh was 7 monthes. To make a long story short the marriage lasted 3 monthes, she moved out and left the boy. My son wasn't mature enought to take care of him and I was so in love with him by this time that I couldn't let him go. After 5 years and a lot of heart ache he became our son. He is now 12 and very much a handful but very much loved. He came into our life when I couldn't function and I needed him as much as he needed me. I'm not saying adoption is for everyone but there alot of kids out there that need a loving home. Think about it.

Dear C.,

I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad. I would first of all encourage you to pray about the situation and look to God for comfort. Vascetomies are reversible. Would your husband be willing to do that? A friend of mine married a man who had 3 children from his previous marriage and he had a vastecomy during that marriage. He had it reversed and my friend has to healthy children. A boy and girl, now both teenagers a year a half apart. Talk to a professional about how you are feeling to make sure that the blues are not a deeper problem. Hope all turns out well.

D.

Just a thought. A therapist once told me every child you have is another book you will not write. Instead of lamenting the fact that you won't have any more kids, rejoice in the ones you do have and your husband who is the best man ever. Then go get a massage and find out what you are lacking in your personal self, it isn't children, you already have two. Take care of the inner child, she is the one that needs your attention now.
G.

a few things:
you could adopt. being pregnant is not the only way to have more kids. i have one baby from being pregnant and 2 from adoption and i couldnt be happier

you may want to check into that baby blues you are refering to. It could be more than that and you would want to check any depression before it gets worse. I recommend you speak to a therapist. good luck!

It is perfectly normal to be a little out of sorts sometimes, but don't let that what do i have left to do now feeling discolor your way. You have this great thing going for you, your husband, your children, your happy family, When the two of you agreed on this decision it was made with your family in mind right?. so now keep your family in mind and shake off this moody blue and see the gift that God has already given you. There's no medication require, just a lot of Thank you Jesus, Your husband is good, your children are healthy, your life is Blessed

C., I would definatly seek some help if I were you. And after you get well, adoption might be a great option .(if you and your hubby are not against it) I have a friend who did domestic "foster to adopt", they did not have to pay anything or wait for years.Her kids are now 4 and 6, and they could not be happier.God has a plan:)

I am in a very similar situation. I have two kids, one boy, one girl and they are absolutely beautiful and I love being their mommy. My husband and I both wanted three, but I had fourth degree tearing and post-pardum depression with the first, and then depression during the second pregnancy that I said no more. My husband had already changed his mind and no longer wanted more than two. He had the vasectomy when my second was 6 weeks old. I new it was a mistake immediately. I almost ran into the room where the procedure was being performed. I'm a wreck and it is a yr later. I can think of nothing else. What business did I have deciding how many kids I could want when my baby was only 6weeks old? I wish someone could have warned me that woman feel this way. And yet, I know only I am to blame. I'm sad and angry and hurt that no one was looking out for me. I was vulnerable.

I did read all of these posts and some of you wrote very helpful suggestions. I do want to speak to a counselor but don't want to attempt to establish a relationship with just anybody or I'm afraid it'll make me more depressed.

thanks for "listening".

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. Taking a med isn't going to deal with the underlying issue behind being sad so seek out a therapist to help you examine your feelings in a safe, objective environment. I have dealt with both depression and anxiety, am on meds and have gone through extensive therapy, so I know it can really help.

As your son is getting older, he is losing his "babyness," and you know the vasectomy is (for the most part) a permanent thing.

You are very smart to realize this issue is something you need to address head on for your health and the health of your family.

You should check into being a foster parent. I think you would truley like do this and this kids that need home or someone to love them, would greatly benefit from the love you can give them.It is a life changing thing for both you and the children you help. Sound like you have a good man, so here is a little tip I picked up over the years.
I found that if I pray for god to help me work on me and take the focus off everything else. But you must be very specific. I am positive this will help.
God Bless and Good Luck