Daughters Birthday

My brother did something similar "for" his 2 daughters against their mother's wishes. She had a beautifully simple solution...she packed up the phones and sent them back to him. She clearly stated to her daughters that he had gone against her rules and consequences for them and that they couldn't have the phones. Worked super. My brother got the point that he still had to co-parent and respect moms wishes, and kids found out they couldn't "play" dad for whatever they wanted.

I don't have any advise about the emotion part of it, except to say that I would have been upset too--but, I bet if you talk to the cell phone company and explain the situation you can get out of the contract given the phone hasn't even been opened. Ask to talk to a supervisor and if that person says no ask to talk to their supervisor. Good luck!

Hi there
i'm not posative about this
but i think you have 30 days
to decide about the phone!!!
And yes i'd be upset too!!!
And does she have a ninetindo ds??
All the kids love them!!!
And there still in style 4 yrs later
good-luck G.

The additional cell phone is not your problem. She should return it (since no one needs two phones) and let them deal with breaking their contract. They should have informed you that they wanted to get a gift like that (out of respect and courtesy). Since you got her the phone she wanted, there should not be a problem returning the other to the grandmother. Get over your feelings of being "the bad guy" also. You have done no wrong.

I have to say that Kristin K is mostly on my page. There is something though that you may not have thought about. Your phone, your plan and your bill. You will get to see your daughter's activity, who she calls and when on the bill. That is important mom information. I would not give that up.

Let her have two. She uses yours when she is with you and theirs when she is with her dad. My guess is that she is with you more often and won't be using the other much. Grandma wasted her money in my view. Just be open and upfront with your daughter. I doubt anyone really wants 2 cell phones...why? Real love and boundaries...that is all you need and I am sure your daughter knows you love her and think she is special. If not, remind her. Don't allow others control over your feelings but address the problem of parent control. Good luck

OMG- you sound like me. I am divorced and remarried -bringing the total kid count to 5 children.

My ex and I are civil, but it's passive-aggressive too. He is always trying to one-up me and purposefully going against my requests regarding issues with the kids (like I ask him to PLEASE not feed them McDonald's, but they go there constantly). He also has wealthy parents who have allowed him to stay in the family home by paying his mortgage and buying our children lots of expensive gifts. They have hoards of toys and pets over at his house.

But they live with me 5 days a week. And I take great care of them and have their best interests at heart. Children know this. They may act excited about gifts, etc. but in their hearts they feel their parents love.

Explain to your daughter that you bought her a new cell phone too. Do it in a way that doesn't show how pissed off you are at her dad (which you have every right to be - he was thoughtless and inconsiderate). But don't make her feel she has to choose. Or that dad was wrong (this just makes a child feel defensive about the other parent).
This will be a good lesson to her. If she asks both parents for the same thing - she might end up with two - and that's a waste when she could've had something else, isn't it?

C R...

After reading all the other posts, I thought I would add my two cents....You stated that your ex sent you an e-mail to let you know that he got her a phone...Maybe you should have sent him an e-mail alot sooner telling him that you were planning on getting her a phone. I am sure you knew for some time that is what you were going to give her as a gift, you could have avoided this whole fiasco by COMMUNICATING with your ex! Dont forget, you are the one that got your then 8 yr. old a cell phone to begin with because you wanted her to call you while she was spending the already limited amount of quality time at her Dad's...Just a thought but maybe you should have just allowed her some space at Dad's and talked all about everything when she got home. Somehow I doubt your ex would have prevented your daughter to call you if it was an emergency. I think you were just being controlling. Sometimes I think us (divorced) women get so caught up in worrying about how our kids are doing with/without us that we fail to see what life must be like for the(divorced) Dad's...They only get to see their kids a few times a month...have to pay child support with absolutely no consideration given to the fact that they still have to provide shelter/food/clothes/toys/electricity/etc...all along having to now contend with an ex that somehow now believes that since he didnt want to be with me anymore that atomatically makes him a bad parent who doesnt know what/how to do things in the best interest of the child. I know this was kind of a rant but I believe you get what you give...

K.

If he and his mom didn't know about the new phone I wouldn't be mad at them.
My personal opinion, a cell phone at that age should be a safety precaution necessity, not a birthday gift. You should try to give her gifts that she will appreciate much later in her life. Will she remember this phone when she is 30? Probably not as much as something more private and intimate, like a special birthday dinner, or girls day at the salon etc...For my own daughter, I have already started taking her to community service events near her birthday and holidays, to teach her that we have all we need plus more. And that we should celebrate being a part of our community, and contribute to the welfare of others. If your daughter is overly mature, she is ready for those kinds of lessons too.
I would try some honesty with your daughter. Tell her you and her dad both had the same idea for her birthday, and that is all you had planned.
I can clearly see that your daughter is aware she is in the middle of a struggle between you and her dad. You said you got her the cellphone because he wouldn't let her call during his time with her on the weekends. I would of respected his parenting time with her to begin with. I would be gracious of the fact that he wants to be involved, and let go of my own emotions about it.
Call your phone company, ask to speak to a supervisor. Explain your situation. At the least you may be able to get a credit to your account, or pay a small fee(usually the price of one months service)to buy out of your contract.
I really don't think this is worth getting that upset over, good luck:)

Hard stuff. I would be feeling the same. Don't be guilty about the way you feel. Feel that way for say a couple of hours and really feel that way--angry, helpless, mad at your former mother in law (how could she after all) frustrated) and broke. Give your self a time limit--no longer that 2 hours less if you can cut it down.

Then....I would start planning how you are going to make the best of a difficult decision. I think you rules of restriction on a cell phone are good. If you can't put those on the "dad" phone, maybe she should leave the phone at dad's or leave the phone at home. Just an idea.

Another idea, she's an overly mature 9 year old...tell her your frustration (but not your anger outrage) because your surprise was taken away. She probably told every body she wanted a cellphone. (I did that with diaries one year and got 5.)

Show her the extras you got her, so she knows that you did get her something more than earrings. She will be pleased.

Check with your cell phone company about the new contract for your daughters phone. Find out what you can do.

It is very hard with ex-husbands when they won't work with you to make things best for your kids.

Explain it to your daughter about the phones and not knowing that her grandma was going to get her a phone when you had already upgraded her phone. If you have a problem with her using two phones at your home, restrict the use of the second phone or put it up until she goes to her dad's house.

Being divorce is never easy but you need to bite your tongue and do everything you can to get along with her father.. COMMUNICATE and this wouldn't have happened.. I divorced the father of my first son and he was abusive and very controlling.. it took me years of biting my tongue but what's most important is your daughter.. we are now great friends and his wife was even a bridesmaid in my wedding..I always always communicated prior to holidays, birthdays, etc. so this kind of thing didn't happen.. Appreciate that he's the one going to pay for the monthly bill.. you have 30 days to cancel and then spend the money on something more special and not something necessary in these days for safety..

Some companies only give you 14 days so you need to act quickly. They also will not allow any damage to the phone or box with a return. As difficult as it may be, you are going to have to put all emotion aside and deal with this on just a "what is logical" level. Two cell phones is not logical for a child.

This is a sticky situation! I know you are upset, but it is for selfish reasons. Plain and simple, you need to just let it go. If you don't, you'll end up bitter for no reason. It's just a phone.

The thing you are upset about has nothing to do with the actual phone. You are feeling like your rights to choose her cel phone are being infringed upon. And, you're probably feeling like someone infringed upon your special plans and what you perceive to be your right to be the only person to get a cel phone for your daughter, which translates to a feeling of lack of control over your daughter's life.

In reality, your ex- has as much right to choose and give a cel phone to her as you do (no matter where she lives). The only right you have is to say whether or not it enters your home. So if you are upset enough to insist upon this, you can ask that it be left at his home while she is with you. If that does not work, you can always ask that she check it in with you while she is at your home. I warn you that this probably will upset your daughter (at least at first), and you need to weigh whether or not that is worth it. If you do go this route, you should also expect that she won't use his phone to call you...and maybe won't use yours to call you either. He may have her check it in as well.

I am a stepmom. From the perspective of someone on the "other side", they probably did not know you had a cel phone planned (and if your daughter was asking for it from you...she probably asked for it from ANYONE who would listen, dad included! All kids do this.)

Personally, I would just let her have the cel phone and return mine - or keep it and let her have two. I would tell her that we could have a memorable experience as in family outing or mom-daughter outing instead, spending just as much money. Speaking from experience, the cel phone will be history in her mind when she is 30 years old. If you take her horseback riding or to an amusement park or just out shopping...THAT is going to stick with her! FOREVER.

I did not mean to be harsh with you. You are entitled to be upset. The divorced thing can really throw you for a loop, and it's very hard to have to be the more grown-up in a situation where the ex- may be continually undermining you and not acting mature. But you need to let it go for your daughter's sake! She will thank you for it later. You will also be proud of your actions later, for taking the high road.

Also, keep your head up high and even if you need to pretend, just act like nothing is wrong. Be gracious and ignore the actions of your ex-.

Blessings to you!

Hi C R,

It sounds to me like your competing with your daughters father for her affections with your ability to give gifts. Give your daughtrer the earings and reasure her that even though you can't afford the things her father gives her, that your love her is like no other and that you will always be there for her. Be true to yourself and stop feeling like you have to compete to keep up with her father. You and her father are different people with different circumstances, let her know that she is rich in love.

A.

I think your mother in law way over stepped her role by getting your daughter a cell phone, and if your ex knew she already had one....

Maybe the new phone (unlimited I am guessing), could be for weekends only at her dads (since he got it for her), and the restricted one (which I agree is way better for a child of her age) can be her all the time phone. It sounds like you are the primary guardian who has your child most of the time, as such your ex had no right to get her something like a cell plan without your approval.

That's definitely a bitter pill to swallow. If you just added her to your plan you should be able to get her off. If you got her, her own plan than you are probably stuck. IF that's the case I think you just need to blow it off and let it go. From what she said, she's obviously very uncomfortable of the position she has been put it and it's obvious that he's trying to outdo you and be the "disney daddy". The best defense for that is to bite your tongue and don't say what you really want to say...instead just smile and say something like "honey, that's wonderful! It's also so funny because we upgraded your phone too, so now you have two phones! You are so lucky that you have a mom and dad that are so crazy about you" and give her a big kiss. That takes her out of that uncomfortable position of being in between mom and dad. It also reinforces your position in that relationship that she can tell you things about her dad without you coming unhinged.

First, I agree with just about everyone who said that you need to make sure you don't put your daughter in the middle of your divorce drama; it wasn't her fault after all.

Second, communication is the key. I work in court and see so much junk in family court that could have just been cleared up if the parents had spoken to each other clearly beforehand. Take this experience as a lesson, especially with Xmas/Chahakah (sp?), etc, so close now, and discuss with your ex what you plan, ask his plans, ask him to communicate those plans to his parents, communicate all your plans to your parents or other extended family. Being a child of divorce, but not divorced currently myself, I have to coordinate three sets of grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc., so that we don't have such snafus.

If the communication doesn't work and this type of thing happens again, you can file your own motion in family court, yes, without a lawyer, and make your problems known to a judge who will help you set limits on what can or cannot take place in your parenting plan. Trust me, this should be your last resort. Make every effort to work something out with your ex. Once upon a time you had a relationship, and now you have a beautiful daughter to show for it. You obviously both love her very much, as do her grandparents, so you should be able to explain how much you were hurt to them so that they know how important it is to you for that to not happen again. Remember, this is a learning experience. There is no playbook for divorce or parenting.

Good luck. HUGS!!!!!!!!!!! :-)

It looks like you've gotten similar advice:

Just have a nice birthday celebration for her (maybe dinner? a friend that wasn't at her other party?) and let her know that you had also bought her a cell phone AND that it's okay for her to just use the one that her dad got for her. Then let her open the other present.

Perhaps there is a friend who would be interested in buying the contract off of you? You would have to sacrifice a little money, but that is better than having to pay for an unused cell phone.

Also, have you had counseling to deal with your divorce and current family relationships? I am divorced and I imagine that I would have a hard time being civil and letting things pass if I had children with my ex. (Mostly I just want to kick him in the face.) You need to be able to deal properly with things that come up (especially since it sounds like you're not on civil terms with your ex.) and not get emotionally overwhelmed when things like duplicate presents arise.

Best of luck.

I am not sure what phone company you are with, but many have a 30 day return/cancel your contract policy. try them 1st. Good luck!

I do think you have time to return the phone back to the store. I would do this as soon as possible.
I understand why you are angry. Did they know you were getting the phone for her too? If not they might have heard her wanting one too and it was a mis-communication. If they knew you were getting it then that's just mean.
I would look at an activity like movie and favorite place to eat, fun park,rock climbing etc.. that she can do with you (mother daughter thing) or a friend as an alternative to the phone.

Hi. Well, I can understand your frustration and even though I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes, I know frustration. could one of the younger children use the phone when they go to a friends house? otherwise, I'd give her the phone you bought her and tell your ex that you already bought her the gift, (because she asked you specifically for it!) so he'll have to do something else with the one he bought her. If you can't get him to do something with the phone, I guess she'll have to learn to diversify her wish list, otherwise you get 2 of the same gift.
another idea is that sometimes kids loose their phones or they get dropped and broken, so maybe it'll be good to have the second one. Blow off your steam here, don't show it to her. good luck mom! you're doing a great job and be thankful that your complaining about two of the same gifts, not that dad didn't get her anything...

Usually there is a 30 day period where you can return a phone if there is a problem. Call or go into your phone company. I know Sprint has the 30 day policy.

Hi C R,

Well, you do have a right to be upset. I don't feel that it's because you already got a phone for her. That can be worked out by returning with in the phone companies limited return time policy. And not because you both got the same thing. You and your daughter can talk together about keeping the old phone number, etc, and decide if you should return g-ma's gift or your own.

But because a cell phone is something that everyone needed to discuss, there was a missing peice here. It was nice of your ex-mother-in-law to get her an expensive/fancy gift like this one, but like piercings, cell phones are a responsibility and instrusion in the family that needed to be discussed all around. She wouldn't have bought her a week's vacation in an exotic city without talking to you, but she did give your daughter a window into the world that you didn't OK.

Someone before had written that an amusement park or horseback lessons would be good. That was a wonderful idea. Your daughter can go nuts in a park with the cake you had planned, a couple friends, and a couple cans of silly string from the dollar store.

I've never met a girl who wasn't horse crazy deep down. So if you can afford it, horseback riding is $25-$35 depending on the farm (usually they can be found on craigslist or the local paper's online classifieds). And this is something that you can talk about, plan together, and then do after the cell phone (whichever one) is returned.

Please let us know what you decide to do. This is such a hard issue and in-law / ex-in-law communication is something that we all need support in.

I'd be so mad! Grandmas have no right what-so-ever to buy a cell phone for their grandchildren unless BOTH parents have said it's ok. Plus, if she already had one they should know it's up to you to upgrade and should have asked you if they wanted to do it. I think it's the grandma that wants to get the "best gift" and that's just not her place. I do think you should do as someone said and send it back to her dad's with her. you can always say that it can stay at her dad's house and leave her phone from you at your house, then you don't have to worry about her losing it there. Or you can let her pick the one she wants and return the other. I'm sorry that your gift to her was ruined but talk to your daughter about it. my daughter is almost 9 and would totally understand my feelings. Also, your daughter knows you were the one she asked to upgrade her phone.
Good luck!
-B

who is going to have control over her new phone bill with the phone that grandma got her? I would discuss that with the ex and his mother. Let them know that you had got her the new phone already and that If they wanted her to keep the one they got, that you want to be sure who is going to pay for it and all. I am sure she has rules and such with her phone and I would expect then to carry over to the new one regardless of who is footing the bill? Most carriers have a buyer remorse clause that allows you to have 14 or 30 days to return the phone with a full refund. There maybe a restocking fee, but it is cheaper in the long run.

Also, I would let the ex and his mother know that in the future you would hope that if they were going to buy a major item like this again, that they would have the curtesy to let you know, and in return you would do the same. This would avoid any future issues happening again, hopefully.

Just a thought but I know with my cell phone company if I get a new phone and dont like it I have 30 days to change my mind. I would just take it back and tell them it didnt work out and return to the old phone/contract.

Just a side note:
The phone she was given may be one of the where you buy the time on cards which will loose it allure quickly. Also grandparents although well meaning do not know the "talking" ability of a preteen girl let alone a teenager. I would keep the old phone you got her because with restrictions removed the gmother may get a bill she doesnt like and shut the phone off.

Good luck. I too went through this my daughter started carrying a cell phone in the third grade. Although parents thought I was nuts it ended up being a really good lesson in responsibility. I would go over the bill with her monthly so she could see how easily the calls added up and now she is almost 17 and is extremely responsible with her minutes as well as her phone. I hope things work out well for you.

Is the phone she got on their contract, or did they get a new phone on their contract or upgrade it on yours? As someone said if they upgraded it on yours thats an infringement. I'm confused on this part. I'd be upset as anyone w/experience with cell phones would know that if she already HAD a phone then it had a CONTRACT and should have consulted you FIRST. Like asked, "I know she has a phone but we wanted to upgrade it to the one she wanted". Then worked it out w/you because it's your account. You still can return the phone you got but you can't get out of the contract you already have. You may be able to call the cell ph company and explain the situation and see if there's a min payment you can make to keep the contract in good standing but that the number won't be being used. But if all they bought her was a pay as you go phone which is DUMB again since they knew she already had a phone. This is where I question anyone's intelligence. WHY would he let his parents or even if he didn't WHY would they think of getting her a new phone, knowing she already HAS a phone w/o consulting you??? As I said, it's not a secret that cell ph companies have contracts.

I understand what others are saying but honestly you have every right to be pissed!!! She HAD a phone. YOU needed to be consulted first if not for anything else but for the contract you already held for it.

I would talk to your ex and get the details and explain that you're a little pissed b/c you're now stuck w/a contract you can't get out of and who's going to write you a check to get out of it? Him or his parents? I understand other parents about not wanting to cause waives but you know what we still have to stand up for ourselves too. You just don't have to do it around her. As long as she's kept out of the animosity and doesn't hear it and you don't express the animosity towards your ex around her she won't feel much of it.

I'm sorry I don't agree w/everyone else here. I'd be pissed! I think people skipped over the part that she already HAD A phone and a contract. Sure you can return the phone thats a no brainer. But what about this contract your stuck with????? Don't be too hard on him at first b/c maybe he didn't know his parents were getting her one. So find that out first. If it ends up he did. Then I'd unleash on him. YOU need to be consulted.

If she shows you the phone be happy for her and don't show your anger about it at all. Then deal w/your ex privately when she's not around.

L.

because she knows you're upset and also because she needs to know she doesn't need to have two cell phones, explain to her that you were upset because you'd already purchased her a phone and are disappointed that you weren't able to give it to her first. i'm sure she could relate to that. how disappointed would she be if she gave someone a present at a birthday party, only to see that person open up the same gift from someone else first?

ok, we all know grandmas don't always give the most appropriate gift or consult moms when they do, even when they are ex-MIL. explain to your daughter that because you already have a contract, they'll have to cancel the other one. (try not to let your anger seethe out into the conversation.) hopefully she's not in love with the other phone. i guess the worst case would be that she does keep the two phones. i agree with the other poster that it should be kept at dad's house.

if it's too late to get out of the 2nd contract, remember that really it's never too late. you can always cancel it but your MIL will have to pay the whole years of fees up front, or at least a percentage of them. you know, if you want to be vengeful about it. i can't say that i wouldn't if they already knew you were getting her a phone. *sigh* ok not mature and will cause you more family problems.

Most cell phone providers will allow for a return of the new phone within 30 days or less. If the new phone her paternal grandma got her has the same phone number as her old phone, then they accessed your account with the cell phone provider and this would be a violation of the law, federal and state. The sales rep would have seen that there were two phones just purchased for this line and there should have been a red flag going up at the phone company. Someone misrepresented themselves to get your daughter a new phone on her current number. If this is a new phone with a new number, then grandma has to have her name on the account because you can't be held responsible for a 9 yr old's phone bill when you didn't open the account. A compromise could be worked out that her 'grandma' phone stays at Dad's house for her to use when she's there and the phone that you bought her is the phone for all other times. Compare calling plans with the two phones. Like I mentioned earlier, you can return the phone you bought, get your money back and go do something together, a Mom and daughter day... get your hair done, go to a movie and lunch without the rest of the family.. make it just you and her time. I've done this on many occasions with my daughter as she was growing up and those are the times we remember best, the times we remember when the teenage angst had a way of overwhelming the both of us. Go get your picture taken together at one of those one hour portrait studios after you get your hair done and stop by a make-up counter at Nordstroms or Macy's.... Make something together or learn a new craft to do together now and in the future. You don't lose a thing because Dad and his mom got her this phone, you win because you get to do something different, something unique just you two girls. She's your daughter and she knows how much you love her, especially when she sees the opal earrings. Congrats on having such a beautiful 9 yr old!!!