Daughters Behaivor

Is she a good kid otherwise? Gets good grades, no complaints at school? If that's the case, I would ignore some of this behavior because it is certainly age appropriate, but I would talk to her when everyone is calm.

I would sit down with her and lay down some rules. That you expect her to treat you with respect because you treat her with respect. If she doesn't, then there are consequences. Spell it all out and then stick to the plan. With the talking back or last word, you can say, "I'm not going to argue with you. You know the rules, you broke them and XYZ is the consequence." And then walk away. Seriously, sometimes you have to be the one to disengage and not get the last word.

Good luck!

Ah, the joys of our little girls turning into tweens! First, please know you are not alone. I'm amazed to this day my parents didn't send me to a nunnery when I was a teen!

My 13 y.o. daughter tends to save up all her frustrations and anger for stuff that happens outside the household and share it all with us. In a negative manner. In other words, we're her favorite whipping post. Broke up with the BFF? Yes, it'd be logical to talk to mom about it. Instead I'm going to make little brother pay the price, because he's an easy target and at the end of the day i know he'll forgive me.

I would encourage 2 things:
1) Keep an ongoing open dialog with DD. Ask her about the friends, boys, teachers, classes. And then listen. And then ask more questions. Refrain from judging or offering advise unless you are SURE she wants it. (hint: most teens don't want your advise. its your job as a parent to imbide the advise without them knowing it. i use a lot of leading questions to subtly get my point across.)

2) Review her television viewing habits very, very closely. One of my friends is a teacher attended a seminar about what's ruining today's teens. Top of the list? "Sarcastic comedies" on television. You know - the ICarly's, Victorious, Family Guy, Always Sunny, 2 1/2 men, Letterman, Aquateen, Office, etc. Heck, throw Sponge Bob into the mix. The problem with all of them? They are filled with rude, sarcastic, poorly behaved characters. The audiences laugh at all their antics. And by the end of the 30 minute show, they'll have paid no real price or consequence for their rude or poor behavior. And the next week comes and there are still no ramnifications for their behavior. Sounds familiar, right? And if your tween is anything like mine, my kids watched a couple of these shows (the Nick ones.) GET THESE SHOWS AND OTHERS LIKE THEM OUT OF YOUR TWEEN'S VIEWING SCHEDULE. We pulled the plug on all of these and started watching more Animal Planet, Discovery, Science, and History channel. We were able to find shows they like and we have noticed a huge change in the behavior.

The changes will not happen over night though. In most cases, kids have been raised on a few of these shows and the behaviors have been learned and role modeled that they are engrained. A good discussion about why they are bad and helping your tween understand just how negatively they affect her would be a great start.

Good luck!

Puberty = reverse menopause BUT without the 40 years of knowledge of life, body, etc. I was a goody-two-shoes so I don't know how to answer this from personal experience. But maybe seeing how you can treat her like an adult (still balancing her youth) and taking her seriously in some things? It may surprise her into thinking more and using her mouth less.

She's growing up.
What worked when she was a little girl will no longer work anymore.
She won't CARE so much when she gets in trouble or gets punished, and pleasing you (and other adults) is no longer her top priority.
This is the time to choose your battles, cut her some slack, and at the same time, give her some more responsibility.
Is she a good kid otherwise? Good grades? Does she participate in sports or other healthy activities?
If yes, then I'd ease off on the back talk. Ignore it. It's not worth getting into a fight every time she's disrespectful, because in her mind, she's not, she's giving you HER opinion, she's telling you how SHE feels. Tweens and teens are very self absorbed, like toddlers. Of course you need to have some limits, for me, it's name calling. We don't tolerate that.
Like toddlers, they also respond well to increased independence and praise. Do you let her do some things on her own, like go to the movies with a group of friends? Do you make a point to tell her how proud of her you are when she does something well or makes a good choice?
Also, if a phone is something she really wants (as I imagine she does) then give her a chance to earn it. Give her a specific job to do in addition to her chores, preferably something with a little more responsibility than setting the table, for example. Does she do her own laundry? If not that's a GREAT way for her to start taking more responsibility for herself.
I have three teens now and I have found that increased independence along with higher expectations of personal responsibility go a long way in making for better familial relationships. Sure the drama and fits and bouts of "I hate you, you never let me do anything I want!" happen here and there, but I wouldn't expect anything else in a home full of raging hormones and two tired, stressed out and often confused parents :-)

As a parent educator, I can tell you that Debra is 100 % correct about the TV. In my opinion, the kids should not be viewing those shows AT ALL.
I am going to mention that tad of research at my next parenting workshop (TY).

Chores should be done as a being part of a family. I never give my kids extra chores.

If I can suggest something, have a family meeting. You and your husband must both be there and on the same page. Sit around the table w/ some fun news and then tell her what is and expected of her--- Start w/ the 1 bad behavior and the consequence. If talking back is it--Give her an example of it and tell her why it will not be tolerated anymore. It is such a habit w/ her that it needs intervention. If you make it a teaching moment, it will be better.

Even if she does not seem to be bothered by the consequence, don't worry. It's your job of being the parent.

This generation of kids has changed. I have a 17 yr. old. It is (SUPER) not easy. I wouldn't have made it w/out training. She acts as if I am the meanest person in the world. I do not let her text at the table. The phone is put put on the kitchen table at 9:30 on school nights. If she says something very mouthy, I tell her back up and try telling me the way it should be said. I ask her if she will need help retelling me. She does not (Would u believe it)? She knows the right way to talk respectfully !
Interesting, but, how come she didn't know it 30 seconds ago? When she says it the "nice" way, I tell her that I appreciate her courtesy. If she doesn't, the tech stuff gets put away for 3 full days. What do I say then,
" I can see that you haven chosen to talk to me w/ disrespect. Therefore, the computer will be put away for 3 full days." I walk away quickly. I leave NO time for negotiation. It's a done deal.

At 12, she in no way should have the last word.

If your child respects other adults...That is very, very good. Sometimes the kids test their parents the most.

My 17 yr old is very, very demanding. If I spend extra time w/ her...It's a bit easier all around.

This is a very quick offering. I hope it helps.

I would stop punishing her and spend more time talking to her. Do you have breakfast and dinner together? Times when you can talk about how things are going in her life. And time that you can tell her what is going on in yours. Things like - 'my boss said X and I was so angry - and then tell her how you handled it'. Seeing you model those same behaviors you want from her - in more of an adult way than when she was little.

Punishing her will just make her angry. She will feel that you don't understand her and she will stop listening. When I was 12, punishment did nothing but make me mad and sneaky. Happily my parents spent a lot more time listening than they did punishing.

I NEVER want my son to be afraid of me. NEVER. I want him to know he can be angry and sad and scared and all the other big feelings he has. And that sometimes those feelings will be directed at me. I try to help him express them in an appropriate way but I NEVER want him to feel there is something he can't talk to me about.

Back talk. That's when she tries to present her point of view but hasn't mastered the technique. I do not feel my son should have to accept everything any adult says as gospel. He is entitled to his view and a chance to negotiate for his needs/wants. He may need help in how to do this. But SNUFFING it is not how I want to handle this. I give my employees the chance to have their suggestions heard. I can do at least this for my child.

Hi J. - I think it would be easiest to add more detail - is this new? What's her temperment usually? 12 year olds, as I remember being one, are very tempermental - a lot of stuff going on (peer strain, learning to be an 'adult' while still wanting to be a kid).

Has anything happened recently?

Maybe you could try rewarding good behavior. Does she really, really want something--a phone, perhaps? If so, make her earn it with good behavior and a good attitude. If she back pedals you can always take it away.

As Melissa stated, there are missing variables. Generally, if this is relatively new behaviour, something triggered it, like a friend moving away or distancing herself from your daughter, or heaven forbid, boy troubles.

Have you tried talking? Do you have a talk about your day at dinner moment?
Don't get the last word in. After you have your say(and make sure you let her know that you'll listen if she wants to talk), start letting her have her last word(it drives them crazy--spoken from experience). Let her approach you.
Follow through on any and all punishments. She'll get the message that bad behaviour is not tolerated.

If not, it might be part of the tween phase.

My Mother encountered this to an extent. She often did the silent treatment when someone was disrespectful to her. Whatever was "wanted" was ignored(if they did it anyway, they were punished). Whatever was needed was done, but with minimal communication. It hammered a point home.
Other times, she countered rude with rude. Kind of a, "see how you like it" scenario. She usually did this to me when I had friends over. Not saying it was right(things were a bit more simplified in the 70's/80's), but they did hammer the point home.

BTW, my Mother did the extreme things because I was a bit unconventional. She also was born in another country, and had a different perspective which she blended with American common sense. It's brilliant.

Luck to you Mama!