Daughter Who Is 9 Question

My daughter is also 9 and I think she is also going through PMS. Her mood swings are insane! She will be happy one minute and the next she is crying in her room. We usually just try to give her space and time to cool down and then in a few minutes we go and talk to her and give her hugs and she is usually ok after that. It doesn't happen everyday but maybe 3 times a week at least. I know she will most likely have her period with in a year from now. She has break outs on her face. Her skin is oily (she washes with face wash daily too). She is starting to smell bad if she doesn't take a shower every night. I think it's normal for this age.

While I'm the mom of a boy, I have been a nanny for several families of kids, many of them during the nine-year-old stage. What you are describing is fairly common.

I'm giving you a link which has some good offerings.
http://www.allthedaze.com/development9.html

"The nine year old is easily redirected when she exhibits negative emotions or bad behavior. When she becomes upset, it is usually at herself, as she is sensitive to criticism and easily embarrassed. Because this is a period of emotional integration, some emotional swings are still seen."

That's a quote from the article. How I often dealt with this stage was to be as respectful as possible when giving directions, to often offer ideas instead of correction ("How about trying it this way?" instead of "you are doing it wrong, here's how to do it"), and to be very firm and consistent about expectations regarding self-expression. With two girls in particular, I found it worked well for us to have a private way to communicate when their behavior was starting to cross the line when they were mad at others or embarrassed; I'd suggest "time for a book break", which was my way of saying "you need to go cool off now/go deal with your feelings" without calling attention to the behaviors which would have only embarrassed them more.

Little dignities are sensitive at this time. Invariably, they didn't want consolation when they were upset, but time to move through the emotions. Knowing this, I tried to do it gracefully.

I also would encourage you to read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk." In my years working with kids, I found this book to be a game changer in how I communicated. Getting the kids on board with finding resolution to problems is key--getting them to buy into doing it better is wonderful.

Disrespectful comments or behavior/tone of voice: "Try that again please" or "Please speak to me in the way you would like me to talk to you."

I say this with a big grain of salt, because this age of 'whatever' and eyerolling can make us feel crazy, but anytime you can stay emotionally neutral, calm, not get hooked in--- that is a good thing. It will help deescalate the situation in many cases. And if it doesn't , you can still know that you stayed 'the adult' in the middle of a hard moment and controlled your own emotions. And that's a good thing too!

Now I'm just waiting to see what I'm in for when Kiddo turns 9 in a year and a half or so!

ETA: Christy Lee, back at'cha. Thanks for the links- I had time for the first (spot on!) and will pore over the second, but they both look great.

As stated by others below, you aren't alone. But please know that there is a name for this, and there is a TON of stuff out there for you to read and learn on teaching your child to regulate her emotions, or, more simply, "self-regulation."

Here's a good article that outlines the topic. Know what? Read that one now and come back. It's short.: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kenneth-barish-phd/how-do-c...

Here's another one that's a bit more involved and talks about appropriate self-regulation at different stages in a child's development: http://www.vision.org/visionmedia/family-relationships/ch...

Finally, you are likely asking yourself, "how do I do this? How do I teach my child to self-regulate and be supportive of the process and not to flip out on me or be disrespectful?" It's overwhelming, but you can do it, I promise. Pick up this book at the library or buy it. I have a copy on my Kindle. http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/145166...

I know you can do this. You've identified that your daughter has a problem with self-regulation, and you know there are resources out there to teach her (and yourself). Google and you'll find even more. :-)

Best to you.

ETA: HA! I see great moms think alike. Nervy has also recommended How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. :-) It truly is a game changer.

What helped us is to stay very much with a set of rules. Consequences and rewards. We sat down with her explained why we were doing it and made sure she was part of the solution. And every time she did something she knew what was coming. Our daughter started her period at age 9. We have a very open relationship and talk regularly, she didn't always know how extreme she was being so talking and holding her accountable for it helped her immensely. And the rewards were nice too lol. Nothing outlandish but if she went two weeks without an incident then we would go out to dinner and she got to pick the restaurant. Hope that helps a little.

Part of it is just being 9. But part of it is plain rudeness. You need to set the rules.
No yelling
No tantrums
No acting like a 2 year old when you don't get your way.

And then reward the positive but give swift consequences when she doesn't follow the rules. And follow thru each and every time. 9 times out of 10 these behaviors escalate because of inconsistent discipline. It's not ok ever to throw a fit when an adult is giving directions. She may have to many activities going on. And suggest to get that if the behavior continues she will be removed from them.

I also can only offer 'you are not alone' and wonder what it's going to be like in 5 years. We have drawn out arguments about silly things. There's alot of power-playing going on with our girl, I think, and if that's part of your scene, I think that you just need to set really firm boundaries and show you aren't wavering. When it crosses into rudeness to her brother, that requires correction. Yelling and tantrums also are not acceptable--she needs to go away from people until she gets herself under control. Our daughter has to go to her room in those cases.

What does the teacher do at school when she loses it? Perhaps that technique can work for you too.

Courage to all of us!

I just want to second the vote for rewards and consequences for age appropriate vs. age inappropriate behavior. Also, I want to welcome you to the club of Moms of Moody Girlies. I have been a member for about a year. It does get better! Find as many ways to connect with her in her world as you can, teach her effective coping skills, put to words your understanding of her feelings, and be consistent with the rewards and consequences. Blessings!

No advice, but just know you're not alone. Our eight-year-old daughter is in a constant state of PMS. So much emotion! I can't imagine what we have ahead of us in the teen years.

E.,

Your daughter is changing. She's most likely starting puberty and her hormones are all over the place.

When she starts behaving in an unacceptable way - do NOT allow her to use her tantrum - to get her way or out of trouble. PERIOD. Stay calm and address the issues. Tell her that she MAY NOT throw a fit to get her way. She's 9 years old, not two.

She will HAVE to learn self-control - just like we have had to do in our journey in life. Is life fair? Nope. Get over it. Never will be. Talk with your pediatrician to find out what books they can recommend or even a therapist so your whole family can learn how to communicate with each other since you have one with Aspbergers and one going through puberty.

Breathe, mama, breathe!! Just remember what it was like for you when you were going through puberty!!

Don't think that it is only girls. My 12 year old son seems to be going through a similar stage and has been for nearly a year. I keep asking myself "did our older son go through this" I think he did but just to a lesser degree. He is so sure that his life is terrible, everyone else has it better, my husband and I are way to mean/strict/evil..... I have to admit that my 12 year old can be so difficult to live with sometimes that I just want to go sit in my 16 year old son's room and say "sssshhhhh, don't tell him where I am"!!!! (Yes, I want to run to the 16 year old, that seems crazy to me because you'd think he would be the one with the attitude.)