My 11 year old daughter came home the other day and told me her best friend told her that her dad does not like her (my daughter) and that if he could pick a best friend for his daughter, it would not be mine. Now, this was a shock to hear as her proud mama! My daughter is friendly, polite, a great student, and has always been a favorite of teachers and parents alike.She's no angel, but she is a great kid! I told her that it was a sad thing that he would tell his daughter that (for many reasons) but that everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion and in life we will just come across folks who won't like us for reasons we may never know or know but not agree with. I asked her if, since her friend shared that bit with her, the reason had been shared as well. Maybe it is a misunderstanding? At first, she said it was because of the books she reads, specifically The Hunger Games. While that book might be too "old" for some, my kid is very advanced for her age, and if she chooses to read Pride and Prejudice, The Jungle Book, and Northanger Abby, by herself for fun, she is mature enough to handle a book that yes, includes some violence. She also watches the news, learns about slavery, the civil war, and untold real world violence in school, and both kids are miliary kids, so they live a life surrounded by war and weapons. Anyway, I thought that that was not enough of a reason and I asked again. And then I got the real answer. We are not a religious family. We do not go to church, and we do not indoctrinate our children in any one particular faith. My husband and I feel that religion or a belief system should be something a person chooses on her own. Whatever we believe or don't, I do not comment upon or judge how any family spiritually raises its children. It is not my business, nor is it theirs how I raise mine. We are law abiding people who teach our kids right or wrong, do community service, pay taxes, and instill in our kids a sense of humanity, empathy, and joy in life. I think this parent is teaching his child a terrible lesson (although that's not my business), but to say that my child is not an appropriate friend because she is a "non-believer" (his actual words) is very hurtful. My daughter has faced some adversity from classmates because she does not adhere to any particular belief, which to me seems ridiculous enough as they are just children! But to get that from an adult is particularly demoralizing to her as, I mentioned above, she has always been met with the approval of the adults around her. My question is, do I let this go, or speak to the parents? I am not sure if their friendship is going to survive this, which is awful because the girls are great together. I haven't done anything because I do not want to say anything in anger, and I am not even sure what to do because what was said was meant to be a private conversation that his daughter for some reason felt the need to share, probably because she was disturbed and confused by his comments. Any helpful answers to my question would be appreciated :)
Thanks everyone for the calming words. I do understand it was a private conversation, and my instincts were telling me to not bring it up, but I was also thinking about my daughter and the discomfort she now feels towards the family. The girls do spend a lot of time together at both houses. I should also clarify that, while we are not religious, we do have lots of healthy conversations about it with our daughter. It has never been ignored or taboo--and it's been that way since kindergarten when a classmate told her she was going to Hell for not going to church (nice, right?). She is secure in her current situation and is always up for learning about different religions (we just went to the Vatican and had a great time exploring Catholicism, even stood outside and watched the Pope hold mass). And as I wrote above, we are not religious but definitely guide our children to be good, moral people. Anyway, this isn't a discussion about religion as it is about what if anything I should say (especially the next time the girls want to hang out at her house). Thanks again! I love coming to this site, especially when my soldier husband is away and unable to communicate for long stretches :)
I would let it go in my opinion. It was a private conversation and it should not have been repeated. Kids will be kids, and it is likely that once they get nto middle school they will have new best friends anyway.
I think you handled it well with your daughter, but I would not say anything to the other parents. If they are choosing to be so judgmental, there is probably nothing you can say to change them. Hopefully your daughter and her friend can get past this and remain friends.
We are a devout Catholic family, and my boys are typically drawn to others who also have a strong faith, not necessarily Catholic. However, we have always stressed to them that different people believe all different things, and if they judge someone based on their beliefs, they may be missing out on a wonderful friendship. My oldest son is 14, and one of his closest friends is Buddist. They have some fascinating discussions. One of my closest friends is an atheist, and my boys know that. Our world would be a much more peaceful place if we could learn from each other and respect our differences.
I'm sorry your daughter is having to deal with this at such a young age.
Ah, a "good" Christian parent who gives all of us Christian parents a bad name. How contrary to the word of Christianity to tell his daughter that your child is not appropriate because she is a non-christian.
Please explain to your daughter that he is the antipathy of Christian and is using his "faith" as an excuse for bigotry and exclusion.
Please continue to welcome the other girl into your home - she needs the example your family will be to her about acceptance and tolerance.
Just to add my 2 cents, I have had experience with people like your daughters friends dad. The fact that he referred to your daughter as a non believer is a red flag to me. I definitely wouldn't say anything to him because you, of course, are a non believe too so anything you say would fall on deaf ears. i would just go with the flow on this. I also agree that you handled it very well with your daughter. Who cares what he thinks, as long as the 2 girls can still be friends and spend time together. As they both grow older, things change, circles of friends change, so I'm sure this will pass!
Sad, yes. But also an opportunity for a lesson on how to encounter people that are close minded, judgmental and discriminatory. Talk to your daughter how she feels and how she is going to let this affect her and her friendship with this girl.
As for you I would let it go. You cannot make someone that ignorant change their opinion. If he was open minded he would have never said what he did in the first place. Getting involved will only make it worse. I see no scenario in which talking to person like that would not end up in escalating.
Sometimes people don't like us or our kids... whatever the reason they need to learn how to deal with this without letting it affect their self esteem. She will live through this and it will make her stronger.
Good luck.
Hi M.,
what you do depends on what kind of message you want to impress on your daughter.
If she can handle violence, slavery, and is an advanced reader, then she can either understand to dislike people if they hold a certain religious doctrine, or be understanding that not everyone has to agree with everyone else, and she can be friends with people because of who they are, not what they (or their parents) practice.
Rather than let this guy get to you (and your daughter, and your daughter's best friend), I suggest you teach your little one how to be the "bigger person." Even consider letting your daughter's friend take her for a visit to her church, so they can talk about her religion together, then you can open the doors to a fantastic conversation with your daughter about religion, and your views.
Good luck!
t
Sometimes it's hard to knew exactly what was said. Kids can misinterpret what they hear. I am sorry, if he said these hurtful things. I would ask the dad outright. Give him a chance to correct it. It's an important issue and he needs to know. Christians aren't supposed to reject people because they aren't Christian. On the contrary, they're supposed to reach out. Tell him you understand he doesn't want your kids to be friends because you aren't Christian, and ask him how that is supposed to show your daughter God loves her?
I am a Christian, and the only reason I would warn my child away from a friend would be character issues, not that they didn't share my faith. I've never ended my children's friendships with kids who weren't from Christian families, although once in a while the parents weren't comfortable with US because of our faith, so we lost a couple friendships that way. I guess it goes both ways.
You might enjoy my blog, for a little exploration into Christianity. God has seen my kids and me through a lot! It's linked at my profile.
Blessings!
L.
I understand you probably feel very hurt for your daughter but I agree that it is easy for kids to take things out of context and sometimes not remember things accurately, or misinterpret things that were said. It may be that the other girl's father feels that your daughter is too "worldly" and if they are that religious, they may see your daughter has a negative influence while they are trying to protect their daughter and shield her from what they feel is not appropriate for a child her age. If that is in fact where the father is coming from, I don't think there is much you are going to be able to do to change his mind. All parents, within reason, have the right to raise their kids as they see fit. I realize you probably don't feel such action is necessary or justified or fair, but this might be a good time to teach your daughter that not everyone is going to like us or approve of us, but we can't worry so much about what others think of us anyway. From what you wrote, it didn't sound like the other girl's father was forbidding his daughter from being friends with your daughter - but he might have been telling her that he doesn't want her to be like yours. In that, he does not approve of what your daughter reads and watches on TV.
Say what you think you need to say to the other parents. The girls will do what they want to do depending upon their alligence to each other or to their family values.
I personally felt the responsibility to lay a moral ground for my child until the time he was mature enough to make some valid decisions was important. You have stated that both you and your husband have no specific spiritual belifes and feel your children should be able to make their own decisions in this matter. While this would not be a "deal breaker" for me. Your child's friend's father may feel like he does NOT want his child to be exposed to values that are not at all in sinc with their family values.
What a very unChristian attitude some supposed Christians take! Do you really want your daughter hanging out with such closed-minded, stupid people (I'm not referring to all Christians, just this person claiming to be one)?
I wouldn't even bother speaking to this fellow. You won't change him. Use this as a way to teach your daughter about true Christians and other beliefs. Doesn't have to be indoctrinating, but good for educational, mind expansion.
You don't know what the dad actually said (if anything). You only know what the daughter said to your child, and that could have been misunderstood or misrepresented. You could either let it go, telling your child that perhaps her friend misunderstood her dad, or you could call the dad and ask if there is a problem, that your daughter somehow got the impression that there's a problem. Don't say "Your daughter told my daughter XYZ" because you don't know what she said, only what your daughter relayed. Remember that old game of "telephone" when you were a kid? Stuff gets mixed up in translation. It's possible he just said that his daughter couldn't read the books your daughter reads, that he doesn't think that it's appropriate for his daughter or others her age. It's possible not even that occurred. If it's bugging your daughter, inquire. Otherwise let it ride unless/until there's a 2nd occurrence. If the kids are fine otherwise, don't mess with it, but if your daughter is bothered, then check it out.
You dont know exactly how the coversation went with your daughters friend and her dad.
All you heard from your daughter is that her friend said "my dad doesnt like you", and it may very well have been taken completely out of context.
Your daughter is basically questioning religion right now and has opened that forum with you. Best thing you can do is let her know what your current belief system is. Kids that are raised with a faith are usually looking to see if their friends have a similar belief system, if they dont-- they dont. Just give your daughter some words, she needs tools to defend her position.
Well, who knows if the girl's dad even said anything at all? Kids invent things all the time, especially if they are arguing/disagreeing about something, which they ALL do at one point or another. You are taking this man's word based on your daughter's word which she based on his daughter's word....see what I mean? You're getting upset over third party information involving CHILDREN. I have heard many kids say, "oh I can't play with you because my mom says you're mean, bad, whatever." I heard it a LOT when I was a classroom aide, particularly at recess and ESPECIALLY among the girls at that age. You can keep an eye on things but I imagine it's probably nothing :)
you're raising your daughter to be an open-minded free thinker, which i think is great. part of that entails learning how to deal with people who believe sincerely that raising children within a faith is the right way to do it, and who feel that letting their children encounter other beliefs is dangerous and damaging to theirs.
i would handle this in a very low-key manner, by inputting as little as possible into the situation and taking your cue from your daughter. answer her questions and honestly and thoughtfully as you can, but try not project your own hurt and anger at the dad (which i would certainly be feeling in your shoes) and let her draw her own conclusions. be a sounding board for her, and if she asks, help her develop some verbal tools for dealing with people who are uncomfortable with her open-minded approach.
i would not speak to the father unless he addresses you or your daughter directly. it's unfortunate that your child's friend shared this with her, but you do have to keep in mind that you're not privy to the context.
your job is to keep your daughter feeling comfortable with her own family's belief choice and to learn how to discuss it calmly and gracefully when necessary.
khairete
S.
We are a catholic family. I never thought to question my childrens friends religion. As long as they are good kids, they are welcome in my house. It should not be anyones business what their beliefs are.
I am sorry that your daughter is going through this. She sounds like a good kid :)
I suspect I will be one of the few to understand his side on this site.
My d made a wonderful friend just like your daughter. Within six months they got a transfer out of state and we never saw them again. 3 years later we are still dealing with our child having watched tv shows the girl showed her that scared my child and are not appropriate for my child.
Plus, from a faith standpoint, we are to raise our children in the faith. In Christianity, Judaism, and Islam we have specific beliefs.It does not include deciding for oneself.
You can talk to the parents if you want but you won't be satisfied with their answer and it will be the final blow to the girls' friendship.
In high school, two of my best friends told me the same thing and it was true. The dads hated that my parents were divorced, my family was in chaos, and that I might be influencing their kids. Later, one M. apologized for blaming me her kids got on drugs when in therapy, the d admitted I tried to stop her over and over.
