My daughter is 10 and made a new friend over the summer. The girls have been together constantly, but I am noticing an alarming pattern. The friend (who is quite awkward socially and does not have other close friends) does not like that my daughter is well liked and has other friends. She puts my child down continually when she is over visiting, she always has to "one up her". Any friend that my daughter already had, this child gravitates towards, and in turn, tries to exclude my daughter. My daughter uses her words, expresses that she feels left out or hurt and is feeling frustrated and even a bit bullied. The child shows no emotion or empathy and says she can't understand why my daughter feels sad.
I witnessed these behaviors in the classroom today. An additional detail: this child has characteristics of being on the Autism spectrum, but is not diagnosed. I am trying to approach this situation with empathy for the child but I also trying to protect my daughter. I don't know what to do. I am trying to guide my daughter to be compassionate but to stand up for herself. I have talked with her mom. but these kinds of situations keep happening.
wow. i can relate. what i did was stop letting the mean girl come around. her meanness escalated, then she moved on to her next victim.
i discreetly request they NOT be in the same class.
the girl still is mean and still focuses on my child and her friends in order to separate them. it almost never works this year, but last year was rough.
Hi E.,
I also have a 10 year old and I have the most success "guiding" her frienships by asking her questions and letting her reach conclusions all on her own. This is a GREAT age for to learn the way to handle these types of "friends" with whom she will find herself dealing with for the rest of her life.
Start asking open ended questions.... how was your time with xyz? How were you helpful today? How was she helpful today? What do you like about her? How does it make you feel? Why do you want to be friends with xyz? Pretty soon she will realize on her own that sheshould seek out other friends that make her feel good about herself and hopefully the other girl will be history.
I would also validate your daughter's feelings "I know its frustrating when xyz does 123. What should you do about that? How can I help?"
Good luck.
I've been thinking alot about this lately. I'm probably not saying it right but sometimes i feel like we supposed to be so worried about not leaving anyone out and making them feel good, but we miss opportunities to teach them that some behaviors aren't ok, I mean it's like they don't get it when you use your words, it would take being left out for them to understand that if they want to be included then they need to be nice. my daughter is only 6 but she is attracted to the kids that have been mean, like she is trying to prove that they should like her, no good.
This will sound unkind, I know, but nip this in the bud now and get rid of the unkind friend. I had a friend in high school who was like this, and everyone said it was just her way and to tell her how I felt, etc., and no one seemed to think it was all that bad. My parents weren't happy about it, but never drew the line as far as telling me I had to drop her as a friend because they figured I was in high school and could determine my own friends-and I had never before been anyone's doormat, so they thought I could stand up for myself. But this friend's behavior was so subtle, it was hard for me to even label how I was being treated, let alone anyone else. It was 4 wasted years when I think about all the opportunities I turned down and all the clubs and events I never joined because she would badger me and belittle into thinking I really didn't want to do them--or make fun of me until I did quit them.
Your daughter is 10, so you can still guide her choices in friends and explain to her why you deem this girl inappropriate for out-the-classroom friendship.
You say you've talked with the girl's mom, but have you talked with this girl herself about her behavior? When you hear some of the things she's saying to your daughter, it wouldn't hurt a bit to just stop and ask her to sit down with you and discuss what she's doing. Perhaps all she needs is an adult who cares enough to point out how her behavior is coming across.
Great advice from Brenna.
How well do you know the girl's mother? If this girl's social awkwardness is indeed at least partly an autism spectrum thing, she could probably benefit from a social group and might even qualify for such services through the school district. So if you feel you know the girl's mom well enough, you could try mentioning that you've noticed that her daughter seems to be trying to exclude other kids or put them down, and you're worried that her behavior is alienating her from other kids. Or if you feel uncomfortable doing that (and it is an uncomfortable thing since parents can often be defensive about what they perceive as criticism of their child or parenting even if it's well intentioned) - since you mention you've observed this in the classroom, you could mention to the teacher that you're concerned about this girl's behavior - both because of how it's affecting other kids' feelings and how it's harming her by alienating her from other kids
good luck!
PS: Brenna has some great suggestions about helping your daughter evaluate this friendship. In addition, though, I'd compliment your daughter for trying to be friends with a difficult person. I wouldn't want your daughter to be a doormat to this other girl, and if things don't improve with this girl you definitely need to help your daughter make a healthy decision about setting boundaries with this girl, but as a mom to a girl on the autism spectrum I applaud anyone who can look past someone's social awkwardness and try to make friends with them instead of just dismissing them as "weird".
They are girls, and unfortunately, girls are mean and catty. I watch my granddaughter have problems with her friend across the street. Like your daughter's friend, my granddaughter's friend doesn't have many other friends and she gets very upset and mean when my granddaughter talks or plays with another child. She will also say mean things. I have told my granddaughter not to let it bother her; that her friend is just jealous and that we have to just ignore it. I also remind her that this same thing happened before and for her to remember that it resolved itself and that it will continue to resolve itself and she doesn't want to say anything to her friend that she will regret. Once words are out, they can't be sucked back in!
Ugh, my 3 1/2 year old has a mean and bossy friend, too. I am going to try Brenna's advice. It's so hard to watch, but we can't tell our kids who to be friends with.
Let us know what works for you guys!
