Daughter's Attitude

My kids' favorite was, "You treat me like a slave", especially after I asked them to stop playing their video games long enough to put the washed dishes back into the cupboard or take out the trash or clean up their room, etc.

Mother may be biological, but mom is caring, helpful, loving. Almost any woman can be a mother, but it takes someone special to be a mom.

If she got angry when you asked her to brush the tangles out of her hair, ask her if she would like you to help her brush the tangles out of her hair. Maybe her other mother used to do that and she would like to have the close feeling that brings.

Next time tell her . . . "No, its not my place to be your mother. Its my place to be your mom. I love you. Would you like some help?"

You treat me like nothing. "I'm sorry, but I can't treat you like nothing. I love you and I love your dad. Can I help you?"

I hate you. "I'm sorry you hate me now. That's not unusual for a teenager to hate their dad. But I love you and I'll always be here for you. Is there something I can help you with?" (And sometimes the added, "Now turn the TV off and do your homework." ;) )

You may not have the answer the first time, but each of those hate-filled coments will happen again. Then you'll have the proper quick answer. I think they get it from their friends at school or from LOUSY anti-family programming like "The Simpsons" and the "family guy", etc. Those programs were not allowed in out home and we had less problems in our home than those homes that watched that garbage.

Good Luck to you!!

"You aren't my Mom" is one of the oldest in the book. Wait, it's second oldest to "you treat me like nothing".
Kids are kids, and they say things to hurt without realizing how much it truly does. If they were your biological kids, they might use different words, but the sentiment would be pretty much the same. You were making her do something she didn't want to, and so she tried to manipulate the outcome.
You are her mom, the only one she truly has. When she realizes this isn't going to work, she will try something else, and her brother will too.

The number one rule about raising kids, (yours or anyone else's) is not to take it personally. There is a reason they need parents, and that is to teach them. Don't expect them to understand and appreciate all you do for them yet, because they aren't capable yet. Do expect them to mind, with some arguments and whining along the way.

Edited to add- My 28 yr. old son is reading over my shoulder and reminded me of something he said that we tease him about still.
When he was 9 or 10, he asked when he was going to get a step-mom or step-dad. He had friends who's parents were divorced and so they received multiple Christmas' and birthday's because the parents were competing.

I suspect she's afraid that you'll leave her, just as her mother has, so she's trying to push you away. Remember what it was like when you first left home? I bet you picked fights and made every effort to prove to yourself that you didn't need your parents. She's probably doing something similar to protect herself from the hurt of losing you, too.

It sounds like she needs a low-pressure mother-daughter day with you. She needs to feel important, loved and safe. Perhaps then you can have a conversation with her about her fears. Be sure to listen more than you talk and avoid criticizing her biological mother. Good luck!

I agree with the 'not to take it personally' advice. When I read this post, I hear that something is bothering her, but she's not voicing the real concern. It's possible she doesn't realize what the real issue is, or not know how to bring it up, or how to put it into words... Also like others have said, it very well could have nothing at all to do with you & she feels comfortable "letting out" some of her frustrations with you -- which is a compliment in an odd sort of way.

Also, it may have ~something~ to do with you, but be a simple thing to talk through and work out. Have patience, validate that she has a concern & continue to ask questions with the intent of truly hearing and understand her point of view.

Doing this will help keep open your communication & allow you a window for continued help & support for her as she continues growing. {{hugs!}} Let the face value of her comment go. She loves you and you are a great mom! None of us are perfect. Communication is challenging for adults and even more so for kids that are still learning.

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(4/14) I read your "what happened" comment & it made my day. Congratulations for using the conflict to learn about each other and grow closer!!

well you didn't say exactly how old she is but sounds like she is feeling confused about her relationship with you. After all it is hard on a kid when the real mother is only a part time parent. Maybe she is feeling like she isn't in control enough.

try talking to her without accusing her. start out like with I sentences. such as my feelings were hurt when you said things this morning. then ask her why she feels that way so you two can work on it. sometimes all it is is that they want to be treated more grown up.

She sounds like a typical preteen to me. I bet she even says such things to her mom..She is obviously being peevish and may not even know why. I agree to say, "I am sorry you are so upset. I love you."

"Let me know if you want me to help with the tangles. Here is your brush."

PMS can happen even in girls who have not had their periods.
Sometime when you 2 are alone and she is in a better mood, just let her know that you can understand her having wild feeling right now and that it is normal, but it can hurt other peoples feelings when she says things like that.

I would recommend talking to her and see how she is feeling and what is going on in "her" world right now. Has she had a recent visit or phone call with biological mom. Has something happened at school? Has someone said something to her about you not being her mom? My own experience with my son (I came into his life when he was 18 months old) and mother had nothing to do with him, on the rare occasion that he would see her, he would misbehave or act out for a day or so after. The unique thing was that they didn't say bad things about me to him but about his dad. He could barely talk and he would tell me things they (mother and grandmother) would say about his dad and I was mortified that anyone would tell a child things like that. The most difficult time was when they told him that I was not his mom at 4 years old. He didn't understand and all our lives changed from that point on. She is probably confused and just needs reassurance that you are not going to leave her too.

How heart-wrenching to hear those sentiments from a child you've loved and tenderly raised. She's struggling, too, with feelings she doesn't understand. You don't say how old she is now, but if she's approaching puberty, there are likely to be many such incidents in coming years. She will be overwhelmed at times with negativity and think she needs a target for it.

In addition to the good advice you've already received, let me strongly recommend the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You can read part of this really practical guide to helping kids communicate here: http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/038081....

My best to you. She will understand things from your perspective someday, but she's not there yet.

Poor kid. Tough situation.
I'm sure you're an awesome stepmom. Please don't take it personally.
Maybe she needs to hear: "I'm not your mom but I do love you very much and I love taking care of you. If you want to talk to me about your mom, I'm always here and willing to listen". You know, BE her mom, but acknowledge that you're not.

those words hurt and I'm wondering how old she is, if she's coming into the teenage years where those words are randomly thrown out. you're smart to not take it personally and when things have settled down, i would suggest letting her know that you were hurt by the things she said. i wouldn't go into a sermon or speech, just let her know you were hurt and that you love her and walk away, moving on rather then dwelling on it.
good luck!

I've had this problem with my biological daughter since she was about 9. She has terrible mood swings While there is a slight chance that she meant any of what she said, I would chalk it up mostly to horemone issues. The first time my daughter started with the whole "you think I'm a slave!" "You just HATE me!"...I was hurt, but I also remember saying the same types of things to my mom just to upset her. (ok, so I wasn't always "daughter of the year" material :-) )
Occasionally I refute what she says "you know I love you" "I'm sorry you feel that way"... Most of the time now though I just kind of ignore it and allow her to just vent- responding only gives her the attention she is looking for. I do agree with the advice to talk to her when she's in a better mood to explain how you feel, but I'm sorry to say this is probably not the last time you'll hear such outbursts. Good luck with it all.

I think your instincts are correct. It sounds like she's angry with her biological mother and she doesn't know how to communicate that, so she's directing her feelings at you because she trusts you. She may feel abandoned by her bio mom and needs help exploring that.

What i have learned from experience with my own 6 year old, she talks very "grown up" like that sometimes too. Kids will talk however they hear adults talk, I have learned I have to be very careful with my words and how I talk to people, also have to cut down her TV time because she gets alot of that from TV as well. I will be praying for you. I am about to attend counseling with my daughters father and his current girlfren of 2 years regarding her behaviour also.
M.

It sounds like she is a teenager! Perhaps she is feeling insecure right now. I think she may want to know that u ARE her mother. Have u thought about adopting her or having a ceremony like adoption? I just think it may b normal or insecurity. I would not take it personally.