Daughter Says Will Leave 5Yr Old Grandaughter with Grandma If She Doesnt Behave.

Only you know the tone she is taking and since you are sharing with us, it must be in an upsetting tone. Hopefully, what is meant is that if you don't behave you have to stay home and not go out with us (parents).

Try to think of the things you do with her and the things she likes to do. My mother in law loves to decorate the home. She has left me pot racks and magazines to try to light my fire. The magazines are actually in the trash and the pot rack is in the garage. Likewise, she has always told my daughter that when she is old enough to stay with her, they would do all sorts of fun stuff and go shopping together. While my daughter loves her grandmother, she doesn't enjoy shopping, doesn't enjoy home interior departments, is full of energy. Are you fitting the 5 year olds bill?

I would take caution in mentioning to here, but at some point you can say something that politely lets her know that staying home with grandma is not so bad and hopefully she realizes what she is saying.

Sometimes people just don't think about how their comments are not helping or not appreciated. Just his morning at practice a parent apologized for saying something 3 weeks ago at a game. I had no clue what she said and she reminded me...well, at that point I remembered. I just told her it was not problem and told her my daughter wasn't offended. Sometimes it just takes a while to click. Hopefully that's the case.

Well, it's like this. If you were a fun grandma and girl loved staying with you it wouldn't be a threat. It would be a wonderful option.

So basically mom is saying you're a punishment and not fun and she shouldn't want to spend time with you.

I'd be very upset about this.

Her statement is a bit confusing but it sounds like she means that the girl will have to stay home if she misbehaves (rather than being out at the place they're going) AND that you would stay home with her.

If I were you, the main thing I'd want to ask about is the expectation that YOU would stay with granddaughter if she misbehaves. If you are there for a family visit, it seems rude to suggest that you should spend your time there sitting at home with a misbehaving child, rather than having a nice pleasant visit with your daughter and her family. Your daughter should not "use" you as a way to avoid dealing with her misbehaving child.

Stay home with grandma (and not get to go somewhere she wants to go) or stay with grandma? If it's stay with you as a punishment, yes, say something to your daughter. It might be enough to say gently, "honey, I love my granddaughter so much. It hurts my feelings when you say you're going to have her stay with me as a punishment. I don't want her to be scared of me." Good luck.

Well, have the time of your lives when she stays with you (haha).

I hope your daughter is just desperate grasping at things to say to make the 5 year old behave and not actually think being with grandma is a punishment. The way you wrote it, sure sounds that way.

Are you expected to be a baby sitter when your daughter can not handle her child?

Have a talk with them. Ask them not to say that to their daughter. Tell them that it makes it seem that you are a punishment, and it really hurts your feelings. It will also drive a wedge between you and their daughter. Tell them just like that.

If they won't stop, then you should go home.

If it bothers you say something to your daughter in private.

Seems to me that your daughter could use a better technique for reprimanding her 5 yr old.
If the kid is doing something that needs to be stopped, then her Mama needs to deal with it and not threaten abandonment.
It's a bit like the old saying 'just wait till your father gets home' - meaning Mom can't/won't handle the discipline - Dad's got to be the bad guy.
AND since Dad doles out the punishment, behaving for Mom is somehow less important since the kids eventually learn she won't do anything.
If I were in your place, I'd tell daughter to cut it out.
Grandma is for spoiling the kid every so often, not for dealing with any behavior Mom might want changed but doesn't have the guts to face head on.

I'd speak to your daughter. Just be careful in your approach, because you don't want to come off as the "all knowing, overbearing, intruding mother" type. You didn't give much information about what your relationship is like, so from this one thing, it's difficult to know if this is a pattern.
Where did she learn it? Sometimes new parents don't think about the implications when they avoid responsibility for their own choices/discipline decisions. But sometimes, they learn the words from their own childhood. Did you ever use such threats?

It doesn't mean that she can't make her child stay home and not go on/to whatever she is planning, but she doesn't have to word it in such a way that being with you is the punishment. She can just as easily say, "You will have to stay home." And it would be better if she did.

Could she mean, you have to stay home if you don't behave? If so, ask your daughter to leave the word grandma out of her statement. Do tell your daughter in a kind way how you feel.

What tone of voice does your daughter use? It's best to use a more neutral tone of voice when disciplinING a child. What tone of voice did you use when she was a child?

I'm seeing my daughter do things I did with her and realizing that I wish I'd been more relaxed and calm.

I would say something. Being with grandma shouldn't be a punishment. To me, that a reward! Your daughter may not even be aware of how this sounds. Gently say "honey, I know that you are trying to set this up as a punishment but when you say that you are implying that being with me IS punishment. I want a good relationship with granddaughter. I don't want her to associate me with punishment."

Or something along those lines.

I'm not sure I get it - if she doesn't behave she'll have to stay home with you while they go out?

I'm guessing your daughter means the punishment is not being allowed to go on outing. Not that she has to be with you. Are you expected to stay home too if she doesn't behave?

Around here saying you've got to go home with your parents is the threat. lol. I'd probably make a joke about it at this point. When your daughter says it respond with 'and I'll punish you by playing games with you and watching a dvd of your choice while eating popcorn.'

I wonder what your daughter uses as a threat when you aren't around? She's gotten into the bad habit of saying things grasping at straws instead of parenting.

All of this is just sad. Your daughter should decide, at the beginning, if she wants/needs her daughter to come with her or not. Period. Then your daughter either needs to 'mom up' and deal with the crying/behavior without you involved. I mean, what would the option be if you *weren't* there? She'd have to deal with her daughter, one way or another.

There's a big difference between saying :"I see you aren't ready to go with us. You may come with us next time." and "you have to stay here with Grandma". One puts the focus on the child's actions, the other implies that the child is being 'left'. Personally, that doesn't sit well with me. Especially if there hasn't been forewarning of this as a choice. (That is, suggesting to the child "I see you don't want to put on your shoes and come with us. We only have one more minute for you to do that if you want to come with us." Something which addresses the choices WAY before the parents leave.)

Would I say something? In private: "Would you please let me know if you want to leave Sally at home with me while you go out? I'm happy to spend time with her, and I would love if that would be the plan, instead of having her stay with me after she's gotten so upset. I know you are frustrated with her at times, and I also want to be able to help you out. Let's talk about that option before you go out, so that staying home with me doesn't sound like punishment. I want to be her grandmother, you know, and to keep our time together pleasant." There's no blaming here, just a statement of the dynamic and your desire to be a positive person in your granddaughter's life.

I think you're been overly sensitive. The punishment isn't being with grandma, the punishment is being left behind.

Either ignore it, or encourage grandchild to behave. If my kid were misbehaving badly enough for me to have to threaten to leave them behind, I would hate for my mother to then suggest that their time together would be cookies and ice cream.

Best
F. B.

My mom used to say that to me - not in a punishing way, just in a "if you're going to be a pain in the a$$ then I'd rather go myself and be quick," sort of way. But that was to the supermarket or the bank or other errands.

If they are going to the movies or the park and she says that, then I would say something.