Daughter Gets Many Compliments on Beauty but Not Other Daughter

Teach her about being beautiful inside. Or you could just scare her and tell her the next time she says something mean to her sister a big black hole is gonna open up in the floor and swallow her.

I think you should tell her that beauty comes from within and just because she may be pretty on the outside, she is not acting pretty and when you act ugly, people start seeing you as ugly. My granddaughter is also very pretty and there is no shortage of people who tell her that. She doesn't, however, ever tell her siblings that she's pretty and they are not! She has told me that she likes the way she looks and she is glad that she's pretty, but I always stop her when she starts this and remind her that beauty comes from within and she has to act as pretty as she thinks she looks if she wants people to see a truly beautiful girl! I know what you mean, though, about wanting to yell when people start that. I cringe also because I don't want her to get a big head and I want her to always realize that looks are only part of being beautiful!

Aww! I feel so bad for D! M seems to be letting all of the compliments go to her head. The problem isn't with everyone complimenting one over the other. The problem is with M needing to understand that it's not nice to say mean things to her sister and that beauty is not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. You can try to explain this to her but at her age, it will probably not sink in. She needs a harsher punishment. Take something away from her that she cares about when she says things like that to her sister. Maybe not letting her attend the birthday party will get the point across?? Good luck!!

With strangers, I recommend using the following line: "Thank you. I'm so lucky to have three beautiful children." In other words, squeeze your middle daughter into the compliment even if the stranger didn't voice it.

And, with your eldest daughter, I actually think this needs to be dealt with pretty sternly. I am normally not a punishment-happy mom, but as your middle daughter grows up, this will be terrible hurtful to her. It really needs to be stopped. I would not be afraid to say things like "That hurts your sister's feelings, and it is not okay. I am going to take away X toy for 10 minutes. If I ever hear you saying that again, you will lose that toy forever." Or, "Pretty is as pretty does, and I expect beautiful behavior from you, young lady."

There are actually a lot of picture books (the only one I can recall offhand is Cinderella Bigfoot) that make a big point of emphasizing inner beauty over external good looks. I'd recommend reading those to both your girls, as many of them and as often as you can.

You need to teach ALL your children, that looks/appearance, is NOT a basis for WHO they are.
Children need to be taught this.
Otherwise, yes, they get 'taught' by bystanders, that their looks, are important and it will affect their behavior and attitudes.

You need to correct it, now. While the children are still young.

Both my kids, are exotic looking. They get told all the time by many people that they are so beautiful.
But, since they were young, we taught them that this is not what counts... it is what is inside, that counts.
They are not hung-up on their looks.
Nor are we.
We do not bring focus to it.

Unfortunately, the world focuses on appearance. So, at home, you need to teach the kids, how to discern flattery. And how to discern people and their intentions.
So that, they gain wisdom... about themselves and their own self-image.
NOT it being based on, how pretty or not, they are.
EACH child, has many things, by which to think of themselves. Which are not based on appearances.
A child needs... to be taught this.
And how not to judge others, by their appearances or size, either.

Correct this now, before she gets older.
When others comment to my kids about how beautiful they are, I always, no matter who they are, will ALSO say, in front of them.... "yes, they are beautiful, inside too. They are so thoughtful..." or some other compliment. Which is not based, on appearance.

AND you need to teach, the not as pretty sibling, that SHE HAS LOTS OF GOOD qualities too. And that, appearance is not what it is about.
She needs self-assurance. And to be taught that.

Teach all your kids...

When your 4 year old makes insults to the other sibling, you need to discipline her. Do not allow it.

Tell her the story of the ugly duckling. And tell her that she is hurting her sister allot bay saying mean things, and although she might look pretty, at that moment, she turns ugly. Tell your daughter the ugly duckling story, hinting that appearances don't matter, that it is how we act that make us beautiful. Not what we look like.

And also mention to her that at the party, its not HER presents.. it is for the little boy.

At the moment she thinks the world revolves around her. She needs a reality check before it's too late. Sorry you are dealing with this.. I know its hard. Hang in there.

I have people tell me or my daughter how cute and whatever she is all the time as well. I don't think that she is any more or less cute than other kids and frankly I HATE when people make her compliments.
She of course has picked up on it and wants to be "the prettiest", wear jewelry, dresses and make-up if I would let her. SHE IS 4! NO WAY IN HELL!

I tell her all the time that being pretty is irrelevant and that true beauty comes from within. Someone may have a pretty face but if they have an ugly character they end up being alone. I good book to approach the subject is "The Rainbow Fish".
You cannot change other people or what they say, but if you don't want your "pretty" children to grow up into shallow, vain and selfish people, it is your responsibility to teach them that those compliments don't really have any meaning and that beauty is fleeting. Many kids are cute as a button when they are little and puberty (or aging) is not gentle on them.

This is just one of the battles that I choose to pick for my daughter.

I read an article recently on how people or strangers compliment little girls on their beauty, and it gave us a challenge to compliment them on something else instead. If someone singled out one of my children, knowing full well my other child would be sad by that spotlight, I would make a point of changing the subject. "She is also very good at math! My son builds amazing leggo creations and my little girl has a lovely singing voice!" Try and take the focus off the beauty, focus on their strengths. So, you are right, you can't control what strangers say, but you can guide the conversation where it needs to go.

article here:
http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com/2011/08/motherhood-mond...

Be sure you reiterate this with your oldest, who is starting to get that big head of conceitedness and is being hurtful to her sister. Be sure to teach her empathy, and that her job as big sister is to help her little sister feel loved, beautiful and protected.

I am an average looking lady, but I am a hairstylist that knows how to wear my hair and make-up to make up for it. Growing up though, I was very scrawny, short, very late bloomer, awkward features, no figure, clueless in fashion.... My sister, who was only one year older than me, was the homecoming queen, won beauty pageants, was voted class favorite every year... yeah I heard all that the beauty compliments too. Amazingly, I wasn't jealous because I knew my strengths, but it did hurt my self esteem a lot.

You can start to counteract what strangers say by replying to them (especially in front of your children), "Thank you so much, I am certainly blessed to have three such beautiful children!" If you have the time to expand on that thought you can also say, "But the best thing about them is their beautiful hearts." or "they are each such a blessing, I couldn't go a day without any of them."
Make sure while you are working on kindness with your older daughter that you promote the thought that you *know* she is capable of it, and that you *know* she loves her sister for who she is. This is really not her fault, it's just something she will have to learn to humble herself about in life. You could even point out to her how wonderful it feels to her when others tell her she is pretty, and together you can think of ways to make others feel that great. Make it a game - make a list of things family members like, and what their strengths and gifts are, then see if you can come up with creative ideas on how to praise each family member. For example: Daddy is a really good cook and he enjoys it, lets ask him to make our favorite family dinner on Friday night! Then during dinner sing his praises about how wonderfully he feeds his family. The baby is very good at making everyone laugh with his silly antics, lets make a short home video of him and send it to the grandparents to show him off!
Show her HOW to find people's strengths, and teach her how to praise them for it with and without words. Also make sure she is hearing lots of praise for all the things she is capable of that have nothing to do with appearance so that she is made aware of all the things she has to offer the world outside of her pretty face.
The fact that you even asked this question shows one of your strengths, you are a mom who is trying to better her children and that is a very important part of parenting!

You know, when I was little, I wasn't all that attractive. But as I grew up, I became prettier, and I was shocked (shocked!) when in college people called me beautiful. (I went on to be a cheerleader for an NFL team, so truly, I know I'm pretty by any objective standard.) I bring this up because as a child, when I asked my mom if I was pretty, she said, "Well... I think you might be striking when you grow up, even if you're never going to be really pretty." Yes! My own mother, who is otherwise everything I could ever have wanted in a mom! I remember her words to this day! One time my grandmother said (when I was 10 years old and over 5' tall), "Don't worry, if you stop growing now, you could still be short." (I am 6' tall now.) I mean, these are the kinds of things that stick with a kid forever. Don't ever let your middle child think she is ugly, or "not hideous" or anything like that.

My favorite quote about this is, "Beauty is in the mind of the beheld." In other words, if you believe you are beautiful, people around you will believe you are beautiful. You must help your middle daughter understand that she is pretty, and that she and her sister are pretty in different ways.

With your oldest, you've got to shut down the conceited attitude. It is simply unacceptable for her to continue to believe that she is more worthy of love, attention, etc because of her looks. Punish her however you punish her when she misbehaves; saying things like that IS misbehavior, and it's hurtful. I would make sure to praise her for the things she does that are truly good and worthy of praise. When she shares her toys, praise her for her kindness. When she sits nicely at the dinner table, praise her manners. When she solves a difficult puzzle, praise her for working hard and not becoming frustrated. This way she will learn that she must ACT beautifully in order to be beautiful. Pretty is as pretty does!

I would punish her for being ugly on the inside every time she did something ugly like that. It is important for all the kids to understand that being pretty on the inside means way more than what people see. and every time she says little sis is too ugly for a dress, that dress would become little sis's, because only a girl so beautiful inside and out could wear such a dress. Now, of course you have to find a balance, and not shame the older child, but she needs to learn what kind of beauty is really important in life, and it has nothing to do with what her face looks like. Also, you need to make sure you are telling the younger one every day how beautiful you think she is, inside and out, until you believe it. because from your post it sounds like even you think she is somehow less than. I hope I was just reading that wrong though.

Everybody has their great qualities. Its important to teach that. Both my daughters look exactly the same .....only 6 years apart in age. However they are completely different. My oldest gets complimented on her maturity and always hears comments on how well behaved she was all of her life. My youngest gets complimented on her sense of humor and natural ability to entertain. This bothers my oldest who covets that ability........and im sure my youngest will feel a little like a rebel when she hears how great her sister has always been.

I try to teach my girls that everybody is different and has great qualities that are diverse. This world needs that.

This is a challenging situation, since you can't completely stop strangers from making their comments. My grandson is gifted with beauty (and brains), too, and people are forever telling him what gorgeous eyes he has (or how smart he is). We have taught him to simply accept with a simple "Thank you," and we move on to other topics as if it's just normal, but not very important, conversation. It will do him no favors in the long run if he thinks he MUST succeed based on his looks or his brains, and not his effort. In fact, that manner of thinking is actually demotivating to kids (see link to article at end).

I have also stressed to him that people are all born with different gifts, perhaps great problem-solving ability, or good looks, or athletic skill, or sensitivity toward others, or an outgoing personality.

All of these are gifts, accidents of birth, just like what country you were born in, or your hair color. Because they are accidents and not given to us because we're more special or deserving than other people, we do well to use them well, not selfishly. And if we start thinking selfishly or acting conceited, that's a handicap that can harm us throughout our lives. People will put up with a lot of ugly behavior from someone who is beautiful on the outside, but they will finally get tired of it and move on if they're not also beautiful on the inside.

We try to help my grandson feel gratitude for his gifts, and compassion and helpfulness toward people who seem to be less gifted. He's been "getting it" since the age of 4 or so, but is a slow process, and the attitudes of society and the media seem to work against it. But if you are consistent and behave as you hope your child will behave, your attitudes will gradually win out. Usually, anyway.

You might find the following thought-provoking article about praise and motivation helpful: How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Easier said than done but I think I'd stop making it such an issue at home. If you don't react to your daughter (M) when she says stuff like that, over time, she'll stop doing it. In other words... don't feed the fire. If anything, when "M" says, I'm pretty and you're not to her sister, your response could be, "I'm the luckiest mommy... I have three beautiful children." and leave it at that. Also, when you're out at the store and others gush over M & R, just politely respond, "I sure am blessed to have three adorable kiddos!" I think the one to focus on here is "D". The way you feel about her, will be the way she feels about herself. Kids and other people are just that... other people. You're her mommy and your opinion is what will be the most important to her. So, don't go overboard but remember to make little comments every day. "D" your hair looks really pretty today. I love that dress on you "D". How did I get so lucky to have you, "D". Stuff like that. As a mom, it's hard not to worry about these things and more often than not once we start thinking about them, our mind takes off on its own. Stop. Take a deep breath and remember that everyone is beautiful to someone because beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

She's only 4, so I think all of your reasoning and explaining to her about inner beauty etc are not going to be enough. Agreed you should always be saying these things to your kids anyway and even when you're not trying to correct them. But I think your 4 yo needs consequences for being mean to her sister aside from being told why it's not nice. I know you said you have tried a time out, but perhaps this isn't enough. I would take away a special toy or event that she was looking forward to. Hurting her sister with these mean words is no worse than physically hurting her and should be punished accordingly. The damage that can be done to her little sister is very real and probably worse than a kick or a hit. You're 4 yo needs to learn that it is not okay to talk like that to anybody.

Updated

She's only 4, so I think all of your reasoning and explaining to her about inner beauty etc are not going to be enough. Agreed you should always be saying these things to your kids anyway and even when you're not trying to correct them. But I think your 4 yo needs consequences for being mean to her sister aside from being told why it's not nice. I know you said you have tried a time out, but perhaps this isn't enough. I would take away a special toy or event that she was looking forward to. Hurting her sister with these mean words is no worse than physically hurting her and should be punished accordingly. The damage that can be done to her little sister is very real and probably worse than a kick or a hit. You're 4 yo needs to learn that it is not okay to talk like that to anybody.

The best thing you can do for all of your children is to teach them that true beauty comes from inside. It is not so much about what you look like on the outside but how you treat others and the content of your character. I know so many skin deep beautiful people that open their mouths and let all of the ugly poison within them fall out. It is sad and takes away from their so call good looks. Nip this in the bud right now before it gets out of hand. There are tons of things you can say and do with your "beautiful" kids to let them know you are more interested in their character. Praise the good things they do for others and when they are behaving beautifully over just letting them get by because of their looks. It starts here and now but try to make it a natural progression and not something so pointed to tilt the scale the other way. If that makes any sense. Life is all about balance.

When someone goes on over the oldest and the son, say "Yes, I am blessed with 3 beautiful children" and that should help that situation. My boys both got more attention then their sister when they were young and my daughter is and always has been a pretty girl. Sometimes people are not very thoughtful on how they sound to the little ears.

As for your older daughter, this convo may help. My granddaughter and I were watching some show and she at 4 years old, said "I want to be like ____ because she is pretty and _____ is ugly" I sat with her and told her that there are people who are pretty on the outside and people who are pretty on the inside and some people who are pretty on the inside and the outside, like she is. I explained when someone is pretty on the inside, it doesn't matter what the outside looks like because her heart and soul comes out through her eyes and makes her beautiful on the outside to those who know her. On the other hand someone who isn't pretty on the inside, it won't matter what the outside looks like because when people get to know her, they will see the ugly on the inside come out. We need to make sure the inside is beautiful so we can be beautiful to those who know us no matter what we look like on the outside. Let her know that saying her sister is not as pretty, which isn't true, then she isn't keeping her inside beautiful like she should. Let her know that her dark looks are very pretty and unusal for this area and that makes her stand out. If you lived somewhere where more people have the dark looks, her sister would be the one getting the attention and being called pretty. That is why it is most important to be pretty on the inside because no matter where you are and who you are around, that is the beauty that will always shine out. Then watch the movie or read the story of the Ugly duckling which tells of how someone is different and thought not to be pretty because of it but in reality it was the most beautiful bird of all when it grew up to be a swan. Let your youngest daughter know daily how beautiful she is by pointing out the beauty of her eyes, her hair, her smile. Talk about how God made people different just as he did flowers and snowflakes, they are different but together they make the world more beautiful and how much we love them in our lives.

I would say you need to have punishments/consequences for the older girl when she is nasty to her sister. Also, maybe read some stories that emphasize that outer beauty is not everything. Maybe even watch Disney Beauty and the Beast - and then talk about how the beast was cursed because he was selfish and not loving to ward the enchantress who looked ugly at first and was beautiful and powerful underneath....how Belle is beautiful, but brainy and kind as well, how Gaston is handsome, but a big jerk, and that is why Belle doesn't like him, and how Belle learns to love the beast and is kind and helpful to him, even before she loves him - and that her love brings out his inner beauty, etc. There are lots of other stories that are based on "not judging a book by its cover", too, ask your local librarian.

Keep up working with the younger daughter an what her strengths and everything are.

Maybe in your own home, basically ignore physical beauty, focus ONLY on actions/emotions/talents, and on hygiene - you did such a great job brushing your teeth/hair, they are so shiny....Oh, that is a great outfit you picked! etc. You are a great dancer, I love that drawring, etc.

Simply respond to every compliment with, "Thank you. We believe all of our children are beautiful, but we are also teaching them that physical beauty is only beautiful if you are beautiful inside." Be sure all of your children hear you say it. Be sure that you compliment your children more on their inner beauty more than their outer beauty. Be sure your children hear you compliment others on the beautiful things they have done. Try not to comment on others' appearences as much. Keep on your older daughter about not saying mean things that will hurt other people's feelings. I think the hardest thing about having a daughter is trying to overcome the stereotypes of beauty and to teach our daughters that physical beauty is not what really matters. Especially as I'm getting older and I'm still trying to battle with the same stereotypes. I'm trying to be much more aware of the comments that I make about myself and others so that I don't inadvertantly teach my daughter those same stereotypes. It's definately one of the harder things about being a mom and not something that I expected.

Ouch! That's gotta be hard.
I have one daughter and one son, so it's not as bad here. My daughter is beautiful - like you said people have always said so. I was worried at a very young age (like when she was about 3) that it was going to affect her growing up - big head syndrome you know. I heard her a couple of times (again at the innocent age of 3) when people would say how pretty she was, she would say "I know". I was mortified! So I started talking to her often about it. You don't say "I know" you say "thank you". I started teaching her that there is so much more to being special, to being "beautiful" than just the outside apperance.......so far so good - she's 7 now and NOT a brat :) Still beautiful though!

I would start this dialogue with ALL of your children right now. And yes, tell her that even if you are beautiful you can act "ugly". That beauty is NOT everything. I would start in with some hardcore punishment when see talks like that to her sister. Talk about ALL the ways that a person can be beautiful.

The problem is she is being a child and children will say hurtful things to their sibs. You are finding this particularly hurtful because society in your mind is doing the same thing.

For the sake of your children you need to separate the two feelings.

Once you separate the two you can address what your daughter is saying because it is driven by society and their judgments. She sees you are beautiful as a positive and using ugly as the opposite. She doesn't even have the ability to judge what is beautiful or ugly, can you see how this is more complex than I think you realize.

I fear I have confused you more, sorry if I did.

I guess I am saying you need to talk to the four year old in the context of what she is feeling, what she is trying to do by saying people are ugly and then explain the real meaning. I think, really, I think I have confused myself at this point.

Oh this might help, the target discussion. She is saying the same thing other kids have done to their siblings. I am getting all the gifts because I cleaned my room, I shut up first, I am older, I am younger, I walked the dog.... All she is trying to do is get her sister's goat, it has nothing to do with appearance.

I feel so bad for your middle child...and if your oldest is four, I'm glad for that at least, because hopefully you can correct this. It sounds like your oldest child is picking up vanity and conceit from somewhere, and a mean streak from somewhere else...and it's not because people compliment her. A compliment does not make someone turn around to their sister and say, "You're ugly." She's learned that word and that phrase somewhere.

I agree with a previous poster that you need to crack down on your four year old. In the future, she will truly and honestly hurt your middle child with her cruel words. I know she's only four...but she, to some extent, understands what she's saying and how hurtful it can be.

Is she lashing out at her sister because her sister has what she WANTS? I don't think four year olds even understand the concept of "pretty"...but they understand kindness, time, and attention. Maybe because of your middle child's condition, etc, you've spent a lot of time and attention with her, and your four year old is jealous and lashing out.

I'm sorry I don't have any practical advice...it's very obvious you love your children and I will say a prayer for your family.

Your post makes my heart hurt. I wish I had some good advice, all I can say is I hope you continue to do everything in your power to make your oldest understand how hurtful she is being and to keep telling your middle child she is beautiful, as they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Strangers while they might mean well, often say things as parents we wish they wouldn't. I think it is our job to teach our children not to pay attention to everything a stranger may say!

I would work with M and teach her how to be kind and that her behavior is UGLY and people do not want to be around those that cannot treat people nicely. Beauty is only skin deep. I would reprimand her for trying to lord it over anybody - her sister or anybody else. I would make it very clear to her that the party is not for her. That they are her brother's presents. If she is mean to D, then you can take the dress and nobody wears it that day.

I would tell people, "Thank you. I think all my children are beautiful and unique."

People comment on DD often. She's a pretty cute kid and we call her our little smile generator. But some of it is her personality, too. We try to praise her for all the things she is, not just being cute. "DD, that was very kind of you! Thank you for sharing so nicely with your friend!"

I don't doubt that your children will learn to use whatever advantages they have, but you can help them be more well-rounded people. Encourage each to do well in school and their chosen activities. As they get older, there should be more opportunities to support each in his or her own way.

The other thing to watch out for is when things don't easily go their way, they can get very disappointed and depressed. They need to learn the resilience D may learn earlier.

You can also start making it a family dinner tradition to say one nice thing about everybody. You can say that you liked how M got a good report at preschool, and D drew a pretty picture and the baby took a good nap. Whatever comes to mind. Have M practice being "pretty on the inside".

I've always read it is really important what you say around your children. Your daughter is 4 and IS picking up the compliments she is hearing from others. What is REALLY important is that she not hear this from you. I think its also important to come back to these strangers by saying some of the things others have suggested. They have good hearts or yes, I was blessed with 3 beautiful children. And then just keep working on how beauty comes from inside with your 4 year old.

I had a similar problem but not with beauty. My oldest is very shy and reserved while my youngest is outgoing and an attention seeker. Well of course my youngest gets the attention because she is so good at it so there was a time when my oldest was mad that everyone thought her sister was cute and not her. It was something we had to work through.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Since she isn't understanding/caring that she hurts her sisters feelings, I would try taking he to an art museum (Modern/contemporary would be the best for this, but any will work). Find and art piece that you think she will not like and then ask what she thinks of it. When she says she doesn't like it because it is ugly, discuss how there are lots of other people who think it is one of the best pieces of art. This might help her to understand that everyone sees thing differently. Good luck!