Daughter Doesn't like Friend's Child

"it would be so nice for us to be able to get together without the kids more often, it seems they don't always get along" Don't blame, but I wouldn't want to make my kid hang out with someone they don't want to...

Could you meet for coffee some evening?

K.

Try meeting in a public place like McDonald's or the play area at the Great Mall of the Great Plains. The kids can play alone, with eachother or with other kids if they want. You and your friend get to hang out and your house doesn't get destroyed in the middle of it all!

I would really advise to not allow your daughter to control who your friends are since this will just get worse as she gets older. You need to be who you are not just "Mommy."

I was once in your friends shoes. My son was the more aggressive child, he wasn't destructive but I'm sure it was hard to be around us. Honestly I just didn't know how to get his behavior under control, but I was very well aware of it.
I did have someone talk to me about it. At first my feelings were hurt but it put my butt in gear to figure out a better parenting plan for my son.

I did have a situation like this when my children were younger. I love my friend but did not like making my children miserable, they obviously had very little in common with my friends child. I came to the conclusion that we could be friends with other people without feeling guilty about it. I had different social circles and not every circle had to include everyone. I talked to my children and explained that at times we would spend time with them and I expected them to treat this friend and her child with respect. I planned outings that allowed them to play without actually being close unless they wanted to. For example we wen to the park, or bike riding. We went to the poole and other outings that allowed for as much interaction as was desired. The fact is that not all people are meant to be friends and children are people. This will work out in time. One way to break this to your friend if you feel the need is to just point out the differences between girls and boys in general. Let her know that your daughter plays and enjoys playing the girls do, this allows for an open discussion of the differences between the two children without pointing fingers at a roudy little boy. Just a side not, my friends little boy turned out to be a very nice young man. Little boys tend to be a little more roudy than little girls can handle some times, it is nothing that wont change in a few years.

don't force it, it will just make it worse and she'll eventually make a comment at the friend's h ouse "mommy you know i hate (so and so), why are we here?" then it will be really bad. just tell your friend that your daugher has a harder time with him since he's so big and boy-like...she can interpret that however she wants. it's not worth making your daughter unhappy to spare a friend's feelings...esp while pregnant! good luck!

Hi E.,

I think honesty is the best thing to use right now. Sometimes, we are afraid to say something because we don't want to hurt people's feelings, but even when it may cause pain, it may help as well. I would let her know what is happening in the most sweet and clear way. I would expect any reaction, bad or positive. It is not easy to hear that our children are not welcome because of their behavior or habits; it is very sad, but, at the end if we know the truth will help us to help our children and encourage ourselves to do something better for them and solve whatever the problem is.

Good Luck!
Alejandra

don't underestimate your friend! or your friendship. for that matter, if you choose to not be honest with her... you're not really being a genuine person.(i know this b/c my therapist says so... i'm always concerned w/ other's feeling over mine. a little background so you don't think i'm being a jerk. i wouldn't wanna make you mad at me. SEE! :)

This is a tough one for me. I believe kids have a right to their likes and dislikes, but these kids are only THREE? I also have a problem with kids interfering with adult relationships. You shouldn't let your daughter's opinions lose you a friend.

Keep in mind that in 3 months this little boy may have a maturity spurt and be a fine companion. Who knows?

In the short term, you may want to talk to your friend, but focus on your daughter. Don't tell your friend her son is too agressive, tell her that your daughter is mellow. Tell her your daughter likes quieter activities and you know that frustrates her son. The issue isn't that her son is "bad", just the difference is too big.

You may make some play dates, but keep them short, for now.

Honestly, I would talk to my daughter and explain to her that she should be nice to everyone. If he is being aggressive aroubd your daughter and his mother is not taking control of the situation, it wouldn't hurt to bring that part to her attention. He may have social issues for a reason, and allowing your daughter to express her dislike for him will only make it worse for him. If his mother continues to ignore the aggressive behavior, I would just go straight to him as oon as you see that he is being too rough with her. Maybe then, the mother will see what is going on.

I have a big little kid with social skills issues, although he's more loud and energetic than aggressive (he's polite and careful of younger kids, but he's always running and yelling). While I'm usually aware of issues b/c I pay close attention during playdates, I would want to know, although you can say it in a nicer way. Maybe, "Jill is so small that sometimes Bobby really overwhelms her, and he seems to be too young to understand that she needs him to be more quiet/gentle/whatever. Isn't the difference between boys and girls amazing?" And frankly, my son often ramps up when he wants my attention b/c he's jealous that I am completely focused on someone else. While this is an issue that he and I are working with (he was always a high-needs baby), and which is getting easier as he gets older and wants to play with other kids more, it may also be a signal that your friend's son is just not ready for her to ignore him, or that she does it too often.
Or arrange playdates at a playground. That way the kids can play where and with whom they want, and your house is saved.

Schedule your next playdate for a local park, with playground. You and friend can visit, and the children canexplore the toys and play independently

I have been in your friend's shoes, and I knew what was going on, and honestly, I'm sure your friend does as well. My son is almost a full year older then one of my best friend's son, and he can get agressive towards him, wanting to hug and hold on him etc... Plus he's 2, and learns A LOT of aggressive behavior from his almost 8y/o brother! I know it's difficult when my 2y/o goes out to play, I'm always following him around to make sure he doesn't bite or hit, or get to aggressive. Needless to say, when my friend asked me to leave him home for her son's 1st birthday party due to lots of other little ones attending, I respected her request. Because she & I both knew, he gets more wound up the more people there are, and how bad I feel when he does hurt somebody. It hurt my feelings a bit, but I knew she was right. Just talk to your friend! My friend's oldest and my oldest used to be good buddies, but as she is growing up, she's not into playing with my son anymore. Just because the Moms are close friends, doesn't mean the kids always will be! Good Luck!

I was on the receiving end of this situation....my oldest son was considered to be a "wild man". We considered him to be "high energy & high output", didn't mean that he was hyper ...just simply a live wire.
One day, a friend came in with a group of kids. Two of the children had never been to my house before, & my friend actually said to those 2 kiddoes: here stand behind me, & don't be afraid, he won't hurt you, he's just happy to see you. WOW!
Never before had this been expressed, which is interesting because my friend also had two wild sons of her own! It was like a slap in the face....& seriously diminished our rela-tionship...simply thru a lack of honesty. It also turns out that my friend had expressed this opinion to quite a few other families, & yet never to me.

Sooo, please be honest. BUT in your honesty, please be aware that all children have different personalities & entities. I like some of the ideas already posted: use high-energy activities when putting your daughter into the mix (biking at the park, swimming, etc). In a home setting, you could gear the playdate toward backyard bike races, wagon relays,...any-thing to pull the little boy's surplus energy out! Finish up the playdate with some motor skill activities such as PlayDoh. Another aspect that may help would be limiting the amount of sugar/food dyes offered during these get-togethers!

Good Luck. (oh, & my oldest is a phenomenal young man aged 21! I used to say that if I survived his childhood, then I knew that he would be one heck of an adult!)

I wouldn't sacrifice my daughter so someone else's bratty kid could learn social skills.

Your friend needs you as an outlet... and her son needs to be around other kids to learn social skills. Having playdates and seeing his mom have friends is the way for him to learn social skills. Although I agree his behavior needs to be appropriate which needs to be kept in check. He needs to understand when things are too rough. You could use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter empathy for kids who are different. Your friend needs you and your daughter...It would be disappointing to disregard or exclude a great friendship.. because sometimes its a little hard.