Dating - Richmond,IN

Ouch, how long has he been her step dad? I have little patience for people that claim "to be stuck in their ways". To me that is just bull, an excuse that most get away with because people let them.

Good luck, my advice would probably be to harsh and not helpful.

You are right that if you try to force to not see this boy or any boy it will only cause the opposite thing, in fact it will increase her will to defy you instead of letting the relationship go at a normal pace. However, you husbands attitude should bother you as well. Ask him why is his feelings so strongly against someone of another race and did he realize that he is actually prejudice and does he want to be that way. Ask him is his feelings about race more important than possibly losing his daughter. She may not physically go anywhere but mentally and emotionally she will detach herself and the relationship they now have will have a strong chance of forever being damaged and gone.

Can you explain to your husband that you are more interested in knowing the personality traits of this boy rather than the color of his skin? Seriously, the only reason kids aren't color blind is because they are taught not to be.

My Dad came into my room one time and said one thing to me...I was 16 years old and dating a male of a different race. He didn't seem to care, my mom was totally against it.
"I'm proud of you for standing up for what you believe in, and going against the grains of my generation. You're making your mother sick over this, seriously sick. If this is for real, if you think you could marry this guy and it last the rest of your life, for real, and all the troubles you will have against society, then I will take care of her. If this is just some high school dating, and not marriage material you need to become just friends tomorrow. Dating is about trying out a person, seeing if your personalities match, so you can spend the rest of your life together. If you want to date fine, but if you're going to date someone be selective and date for the right reasons"

P.S. I wasn't allowed to date and didn't take until I was 16 years old. The same rules apply for my household.

;

I also believe that she is too young for dating, with the definition of dating to be alone with him. However, I would encourage group activities. Is there a way that your husband would allow her to spend time with him in a group? You could be the driver which would mean that she would be supervised. Take her and her friends to participate in activities together. Ideas are swimming, open gym at a community center, clubs, perhaps paint ball, bowling, sports are just a few. Even game night at someone's home. Kids play board games. Parents are there.

I had friends who were boys at that age. Doing things together doesn't have to be dating. It's friends learning about relationships and ways to have fun together in a supervised setting. Most of my activities were at the church or church sponsored.

When parents tell teens that they cannot see someone they frequently sneak to see them. With your husband's stubborn and unbending attitude I forsee difficulty with your daughter in the future. She is bound to be just as stubborn as he is.

I suggest that you find a way to help him loosen up a bit. There are some good books on how to parent teens. would he be willing to read one? I suggest Love and Logic for Teens. If he's not willing to learn about teens and how to manage them without issuing ultimatums then I suggest that you get involved in some counseling.

I have seen parents in a situation that sounds similar to yours. Nearly all of them had to deal with rebellion. I suggest that you do need to back up your husband's rules if at all possible. The two of you need to plan together on how to handle these teen years. I've seen mom's tell their teen that even tho they don't agree with the dad that they expect the teen to follow the rules. Then this mother found other ways in which to provide the teen with opportunities that do not conflict with the dad's rules. This is a very tricky road to follow. The only time it seems to work is when the father is aware and has a good sense of humor about it.

I do think it's important to be honest with your daughter. Express how you feel about the relationship and sympathize with her as you support her following the rules set by the father.

I can't repeat often enough that your husband is asking for trouble with his attitude and I do encourage him to learn about teens, their needs and how to involve them in making decisions and working out compromises. Without their involvement and the parent's understanding of their needs they are forced to rebel. I'm sure he doesn't want that.

Well I have to tell you I am worried for the boy. Imagine if this were the opposite and your daughter found out that the boys family were "stuck in their ways" against your daughters race? It would break my heart to have them not want my daughter to date their child because of her race?

Please make sure your husband does not say anything to this young man or to your daughter about this, it would just be too cruel in this day and age.Protect this young man and your daughter from your husbands remarks.

Maybe you need to have a conversation with your husband letting him know that he has a choice about his feelings, but that in 2010, it is a different world and for good reason. I am sure he feels the same as you about not wanting your daughter to be thought of the way your husband thinks about this young man.

We have raised our children to not look at the outside of people, but to appreciate their insides.. Their minds, their souls.
I am sending you strength.

Hi L.,

JL has some good points. Dating at this age is asking for trouble. Grown women don't have good sense sometime when there is a charming fellow involved. Fourteen is too young to be getting close to a boy. I don't think you'll lose your daughter if you tell her not to see him. There may be some friction but you need to explain why you are saying no. Keep the lines of communication open and let her ask as many questions as she wants.

This will be a good time for you and your husband to get on the same page with what is expected of her. She needs to know...not only what she is to do but what she is not to do. Kids like boundaries and they like having a "back-up" escape plan if things go wrong. Let her use you as that back up plan....

Regards,

M.

All I have to say is that something similar happened to my best friends family while we were growing up. Her oldest brother was in love with (and is now married to) a girl of another race and religion. The parents full on disowned their son and completely brain washed their youngest child leaving my friend and he middle sister so lost, angry, and confused! Eventually the parents had no choice but to "re-accept" him because they were about to lose another 2 children over the matter.

Hopefully your husband will realize that for girls today it is significantly more important to find a good guy no matter the race than to be with dirt bags like the guy who drugged and raped me at a party who was the same race as me.

I come from a mixed family among so many of our generations so for me its never been an issue. What my dad told us growing up was he'd rather us date a purple polka dotted person who treats us right then someone our own skin color who doesn't.

A lot of responses here seem to be about the 'dating' aspect of this. I didn't date until I was 16, but we did go out in mixed groups with boys and girls to movies, parties, etc. at 14. That is your call- and remember at 14 this is probably not super serious- but the ISSUE here is that your husband is being a racist. I came right out and said it- not wanting your daughter to see someone because he is another race is not 'set in your ways' - those are code words we use to try and convince ourselves we are NOT racist.

I grew up in rural Ohio and know a fair share of 'old-fashioned' folk like your husband, many of whom have met very few people of other races. I call it the 'Land of But-' as in " I'm not a racist, BUT- ...." Your husband needs to face up to this reality and sorry, but if you are married to him, you are going to have to help him to do it.

Ask your husband if he truly wants to judge this boy by his race and not by who he is. Have you met the boy? Is he polite, well mannered, responsible? Does he get good grades, have the same friends as your daughter? These are the issues your husband needs to concern himself with. Sorry, but that kind of bigotry is something you don't want your daughter to carry!

If he hasn't met this boy, have the boy over for dinner and get to know him. It is MUCH harder to condemn someone because of their race or religion, etc. once you have sat down to break bread with them and really found out who they are. Your husband is totally in the wrong- I think this is a huge example to your daughter about how we treat other people- you need to stand up to him and have this young man over for dinner with your husband!

It sounds like you want what is best for everyone- but you have to decide what kind of lesson you want your daughter to learn here. Good luck!!

The problem is the prejudice of your husband. My suggestion is to talk with him and try to find a compromise. If you forbid any kind of relationship based solely on race, I can almost guarentee that she will find a way. It really is important to open thelines of communication with both. I feel that any form of "dating" at 14 is not appropriate. If she is "liking" him at school and not outside of school it may just go away. Maybe some friends over from school would give you an opportunity to meet this person and make decisions for yourself.

One of my best friends is from India. She started dating a guy from Muncie whose parents were completely (and vocally) against it.

They just celebrated their 8th wedding anniversary, have 2 kids, and the family is completely united.

Your daughter is 14 - this relationship is not going to last in the long run. I have worked in the Richmond area in the past, and I know this is a big deal in the community.

My sister married a great guy (Masters Degree in Aerospace Engineering, Air force fighter pilot candidate) when she was 19. They'd only known each other 3 months, and as her 14 year-old sister, I was completely against it. When I talked to my parents about it and asked why they were letting her do it, they said, that first of all, she's an adult and can do what she wants. But, that it was better for her to make mistakes and learn from them than to lose a daughter. They divorced a few years later because they just weren't right together.

If he is a great kid, I'd let them date, but I'd set boundaries (even if they weren't from different races). As a 14 year old, I had a strict curfew, strict rules on where we could go, when and with whom. Let them prove to you that they're mature enough for this relationship. Chances are, neither of them is.

Good luck.

I had to read this three times to make sure I understood what you are sayingt here. YOU ARE THE PARENT. I would HOPE that you discussed dating, possible age to begin dating, etc. It seems as though you think setting boundaries will make you lose your daughter. WRONG. The job of parents is to guide, set boundaries, help kids with problem solving, conflict resolution, etc. NOT to be their best friend.

In addition, race should have nothing to do with it. I understand that parents have their preferences, however, if he is mature, TREATS HER WITH KINDNESS AND RESPECT, then how about group dating only until 16 or whatever. There ARE ways to get around this without allowing her to date one on one.

In addition you need to discuss the "rules" or guidelines or whatever you decide to call them. DISCUSS THEM TOGETHER and decide together what are appropriate reprecussions of NOT abiding by the guidelines. That way SHE has a part of it and it shows you respect her opinion. AGAIN, she can have a say, but as parents, you should have the FINAL say.

You need to be on the same page as your husband. Talk about a compromise (group dating or whatever) but you should NEVER let a child come between you and your husband. You need to work as a TEAM. If/when a child knows or suspects this, they WILL play one parent against the other to get their way even if they don't realize the strain it puts on your relationship. They aren't mature enough to care. It's about what they want.

THEREFORE, work it out between the two of you and set guidelines and boundaries for dating and stick to them. Maybe he needs to be a part of family game night, have dinner at your house a few times, etc in order to see how he treats your daughter FIRST and then you can make a decision from there.

IF she doesn't like that idea, then maybe he's not treating her the way she should be treated.

I agree that 14 is WAY too young to get into any kind of relationship

but

most relationships don't develop into much at that age, anyhow... once this relationship is over, lay down the rules... you and your hubby need to talk and make a list of things to do and not to do IF she wants to date... if she is ALLOWED to date!

One thing I found to help relationships to move to their end faster is to talk like that guy is going to be her husband... talk about how things would be if...

for instance, say something like "Oh I think "Mark" would make a great daddy.. how many kids do you think you guys will have?" Or come up with your own ideas :D Kinda make her think of things that she is no where near ready for!

Hi L.,
You do have a situation on your hands with your husband and the boyfriend. Just tell your daughter that you think her boyfriend is a nice guy but she is too young to date. Tell her an age that you think will be appropriate to date. The word date is used so loosely now for kids. Their term for dating is our old term for "going together". Most of the time they are not trying to go on a "date" but just letting people know they are a couple. Good luck.

She can like whomever she wants, but she shouldn't be dating until she is 16. By then maybe she will find many boys that she likes.

Is he against her dating, or dating THIS boy because of his race? What type of values and ideals do you want your daughter to have? If you don't want her dating because of her age, thats one thing. But to disagree with her dating someone of a different race is teaching, or showing her racism. This boy should be judged on his character, not his skin color. And I hope you arent in agreement with your husband if thats the case. Stuck in his ways or not, racism is wrong. And if I were you I would remain firm in the fact that you don't want your daughter living or thinking that way. Unfortunately that may cause problems between you and your husband. But you need to stand up for whats right. And you're right, you may end up pushing her away. And make her think very poorly of you both.

well besides her being to young to date.....i am with your husband & YOU DONT HAVE TO BE RACIST to not want your children to date another race thats just silly .& unless you have dated someone of another race & been through the treatment of society& the girls of that race, then you shouldn't be so eager to call someone a racist .......perhaps you, your dghtr & husband can sit down & have a civil conversation about the good, bad & ugly of dating another race & let her make a decison

My sis (much younger than me) dated someone & she learned the hard way of why it's so hard to do so & she soon understood where i was coming from & I AM NOT RACIST AT ALL

You owe your loyalty FIRST to your daughter. That means that you not only tell him that you can't stop it, but that he's a bigot and needs to get over it because there is absolutely no reason she can't see him.
Your husband shouldn't be putting you in the middle, he's not her father and he's got no say in who she dates, especially if it's for such disgusting reasons.
He needs to learn how to be ok with it, or he needs to move on. You don't owe anything to him that is worth teaching your daughter that it's ok to be a bigot. If you tell her she can't see this kid, you are racist and you are teaching her to be as well.

Good Luck :)

***
And yes, JC, I am white and have dated a couple black guys and a Mexican. It was never an issue. Maybe your sister is just in a more racist area of the country? This post is from IN, and while Richmond is more rural, I'm guessing this girl wouldn't have that hard of a time.
If you don't want to date someone of a different race BECAUSE they are a different race, that is racist.

ouch. I do think 14 is young for car type dating...could they have a phone and supervised dates kind of relationship for a while?

I started reading the responses you got to your post and there are a couple that were completely off base. I think that in todays society interraccial dating is completely exceptable. I think you need to explain that to your husband. Today's society is pretty excepting of interracial relationships and inter-racial children. Maybe see what your husband would be expecting without it being completely out of the picture for her to date this guy. That is that you have agreed that it is ok for her to date at 14. My personal thought on this is that she is too young to date solo. I work as a medical assistant and we are seeing so many younger girls comeing in for std testing and pregnancy tests or even coming in with babies. I think you and her need to sit down and have a long talk about what is exceptable behavior from girls who are dating. expecially since boys who are dating girls stretch the truth about what happens with a girl and that can give her a bad name. I agree with the post that stated you needed to sit down and list the ground rules of dating and what is exceptable from girls who are dating and what the consequences will be if those rules are not followed. good luck and let us know how this pans out!