Dance and 4 Year Old Daughter

You are thinking WAY too much into this.

I don't think anyone in that studio is doing things because they think YOU are poor. My daughter dances and I could have a brand new car in my driveway for what we pay for her lessons, competitions, costumes, travel, etc. My finances are no one's business. Just like the people who wear workn out clothes and drive 15 year old cars. Maybe they are loaded and just prefer to save their money? Not my business...but no one is treated differently because of it. I can promise you that.

Also, I do think she is a bit young to be doing private lessons. She is 4...she still has a long way to go to be fabulous. She may be amazing for a 4 year old, but I doubt she is at the level of 6 year olds, 8, 10, 12, however old. She has been dancing for two years now, not enough to be amazing. Stop pushing it and let her enjoy it. Trust me - you pushing it will make her hate it.

Okay. I'm just going to answer this from a dance perspective. I have 2 daughters in dance; they are 11 (going on pointe this year, and entering the pre-professional division) and 8 (still in the children's division). They have both trained at the ballet school of a professional ballet company since they were 4. What I'm saying here is that I've been a ballet mom since before your daughter was born; let me give you some perspective based on my experience.

You're the pushy mom that ballet teachers cringe when they see coming. You may not realize that that's what you are, but that's what you are (sorry). Your daughter is 4. She's too young even to be in the children's division, let alone to be having private lessons. She's having trouble in group lessons because she's FOUR. Most serious ballet schools won't have girls move into pre-ballet courses until they're 6, and even then, they'll have 2-3 years of pre-ballet before they move into the student division. So to boil it down, they don't get serious about ballet training until they're 8! Mama, you have a long road ahead of you here. Just calm down! At this point in her dance training, she should be doing creative movement classes - learning to stand still and pay attention to the teacher, learning how to stand properly at the barre, and then simply experiencing the joy of movement! She is too young to put into private lessons.

With regard to the tap shoes, have you looked at discountdance.com or allaboutdance.com? They have several different tap shoes that have the split soles and that have wider sizes. My youngest has a wide foot and we have found several different brands and styles that work for her. allaboutdance.com will ship for free, and has free shipping on returns, so it's a fairly low-risk way to buy dance shoes. I'd avoid buying her shoes at the dance studio; generally they have an outrageous markup, and most of the time, they don't hire people who can properly fit the shoes anyway.

I think that if your daughter truly loves to dance, you need to remember that it's about her, not about you. Just let her develop as a dancer on her own time. Stop with the private lessons. Additionally, I'd look for a studio that focuses on technique, rather than competition. She needs proper technique (which can only be gained through technique classes) before she performs.

I hope that helps. Just relax and let your daughter enjoy ballet. No need to push her at this stage. Soon enough you'll get to pay for pointe shoes, summer intensives, and private lessons. Don't rush it.

I'm a dance teacher and here's my 2 cents.

4 is a little young for private lessons. Not saying your daughter doesn't have a natural talent and discipline, but in most situations, 4 is difficult to keep an attention span for more than 30-45 minutes, at best. They are not fully coordinated by that age and cannot do proper technique because they don't have the motor skills. You should be concerned with gross motor skill development at this age such as skipping and tapping her toes to a rhythm. Not private classes. The studio should be upfront and honest with you about this.

Now, that said, you do not deserve to be treated as you stated. If they agreed to private lessons for your daughter, they should honor it. They SHOULD NOT be taking other older students ON YOUR TIME. Bad, bad, bad business.

You appear to be quite defensive of their perceptions of you, and rightfully so in some of the circumstances. No one should be judged by what type of car they drive, what they wear, etc... However, this has been going on constantly with this studio. It doesn't seem to be getting better, only worse. It's beyond time to suck it up and change schools. They will never treat your daughter the way you expect because they are obviously very judgemental.

That being said, you can't expect for everyone to think your daughter is the next best thing since Shirley Temple. You can't expect for them to make exceptions for your child, or discipline her differently than other students, or treat her "special" in comparison to other students.

Change schools. Make the 40 minute drive. I do that just to be a teacher because it's worth it. Your daughter may think she has the best teacher in the world, but what does she know? She's 4! She has nobody to compare her to!

You cannot expect any extracurricular teacher to teach as you do with homeschooling. You need to let that go. It is something you're never going to find and you will continue to set yourself up for disappointment if you keep expecting this. Why should someone who runs their own business teach like you do at homeschool? Most instructors have gone through rigorous training/certification or college courses to teach. They're not dummies or wrong because they don't follow your philosophies.

Please don't push being a star dancer on your kid at age 4. She doesn't need special shoes or dance clothes at this age. Let her be the twirly little ballerina/tap dancer that she thinks she is. Who cares at this age is she can do a time step! Pushing too much, will cause resentment toward you in the future. I've seen this exact scenario too many times to count, and it is quite sad. Girls dance until they're about 12 and then have an explosion because mommy makes them come each week. As a teacher, there is nothing that I want more than a student who WANTS to be there, with her own passion for dance, not the student with the mom forcing her to take...It makes them miserable, and me too.

Sorry to be straightforward, but I think you need an eye opener.

Good luck!

I agree with your husband. You seem to think they are seeing you one way when there is not a shred of proof they are. Sorry but no one goes, oh I lied to you by the way which is what you perceive she did when saying they have taken credit cards all along.

I have no idea what is actually going on because this is a very one sided report but based on that one observation I am pretty sure your words, actions, attitude, play a big part in all of this.

Just pointing this out because if you drive 40 minutes with the same attitude you are going to have the same problems with less gas in your tank.

My younger daughter used to take gymnastics, there were women who looked like every penny they had went to paying for her lessons, others that looked like they could pay for everyone in their child's class, and those of us in between, they were all treated the same.

If the median income in your community is 25,000 who are these rich people that they are catering to? Sorry just trying to get it across it sounds like the problems are in your head.
_______________________
Alrighty, granted the shortened version is easier to read but so that people don't think the rest of us are nuts, the original version....

"My almost 5 year old :) loves dance and gymnastics. So much so she's created several of her own dances since beginning ballet/tap/jazz when she was 3 and combines the skills she's learned in the dances. She showed them to the instructor and supposedly the instructor liked them very much?.? I have been trying for several months to get consistent, private lessons for her from this dance instructor/local dance studio even before this little audition. She does better on 1-1 instruction and actually prefers it or to dance with older girls. But I have been rebuffed for one excuse after another on the private lessons and have asked why and received no answer. And on the days she had the lessons scheduled, the instructor bumped us for older students - more money for kids over 5 - and didn't tell us until we'd shown up. Earlier on the secretary treated me like I was trying to steal a pair of tap shoes. We'd tried a pair on and decided that the brand they offer wouldn't fit her that we needed to continue with Blochs and continue having them modified for her wide foot. Bloch is the only 2 part tap shoe that can be modified outside of a custom shoe. As we left the studio she insisted we take off my kid's shoes to make sure we didn't have the one's we'd tried on.....Bloch is not Balera, nor are Balera street shoes! This studio's secretary has been treating me like she's afraid I'll steal something for the past year since we started there so I don't purchase anything from them now for her classes or any accessories. In the beginning the secretary insisted they only take cash/check when I asked on the payment method. She saw that I drive an older vehicle one day and I could see her body language was of 'oh, that one's poor' demeanor. I'm an herbalist and look like one - LOL! I refuse to buy new vehicles when the one I have works just fine. I'd rather spend money on my daughter's lessons! I wore a nice piece of jewelry one day because my little one asked me to for fun so I let her wear a nice chain too - the secretary and instructor were both very shocked and I felt very uncomfortable. They oogled and Ahhed over the pieces - ladies they were just a small gold rope chain and a pair of simple white gold single pearl earrings...seriously nothing fancy. Anyway, then subtly later on the secretary asked me where we lived and she was visibly shocked again. They must have driven by our home at some point also to check it out because they asked me how my hundred little trees were doing lately... We aren't poor but see no need to brandish it around in a failing economy and in a town where the median income is about 25,000. Apparently they had decided I was poor at some point and not worth their time. Recently I saw a cc sign go up in their office and inquired if I could now start paying that way. The secretary then told me they always took cc's and looked very uncomfortable about the discussion. I think she knew she lied to me because she'd judged me as poor and didn't want to risk a cc from me, but would take a check? A check is worse than a cc if you think somebody's broke! Idiot... I'm frustrated to no end with this studio but my daughter really likes the instructor. They are also the only dance studio in town these days. I know what the secretary is about but the instructor is confusing me. So I'm wondering is the instructor, by constantly putting off the private lessons, trying to say to me she's too young so she'll humor me for their regular classes but have no time otherwise or is she preferring to take older students for monetary or other reasons? And in constrast to this thought, we recently paid for 2 auditions for the ballet's professional company and for a christmas show. The instructor enthusiastically said to me she might make both dance teams - that she was very surprised at how much my daughter knew at 4 and demonstrated in the closed audition sessions. Was this due to her finding out we aren't poor and can pay or did she really appreciate my daughter's audition performance? Will she now recant - I don't know. We'll see when the list comes out in Sept... I haven't mentioned the hopeful notation from the instructor to my child as I don't appreciate drama or this roller-coaster ride of this dance studio and don't want my child yo-yo'd like that. It's bad enough when I show for our appointment and the instructor is already in with somebody else and I have to tell my kid - 'not today' again 'sorry I must have confused the appointment and let's go shopping instead....' . So I've been considering driving to a different town 40 minutes away for her dance instruction. My socio-economic status should not buy my daughter's way onto a team, nor should it keep her from it...And I prefer the truth about her talents so I can adjust accordingly her education and training. I want the instructor's actions to reflect her words. I already drive her 30 miles away for gymnastics... My husband thinks I'm getting upset over nothing but he doesn't have to see her get ready for her private dance lesson with her favorite teacher and then be sent away (yes I've broached the scheduling problem with the teacher directly to no avail) or rebuffed in some off-hand manner. If I didn't have a daughter I would not allow this behavior or treatment and would find a new studio for myself, and am only still trying to make this work because my kid likes the instructor. We homeschool as well so finding adult instructors who understand this and who can teach accordingly is difficult as well. Hence, the drive for gymnastics... Your thoughts are appreciated?"

If you don't like drama..... don't be a dance mom.

MOST instructors won't give private lessons to younger kids. MOST younger kids aren't that disciplined and it's about more than money.

Here is where your style of homeschooling and the "real world" aren't in synch - or at least the way YOU are homeschooling your daughter. Instructors don't have to tailor THEIR classes because YOUR homeschooled daughter doesn't know how to act in a classroom environment. YOU decided not to teach her the skill of group socialization in a group environment, therefore she isn't going to learn that skill, therefore she is not going to be successful in a group environment until she's older and can learn that skill on her own. She can't participate in a group activity (which ALL dance is - unless she is a solo dancer, even big stars have backup dancers and have to interact in a group at some point) if she can't interact in a group.

2nd - if you talk like you write a post, it would be very difficult for the instructors and secretaries to figure out what your actual issue is... so they can't then address it. If you can get to the point of what your ACTUAL issue is, we could probably be more help.

Odds are your daughter is not going to be a super famous dancer. If she IS.... then drive to Kansas City or St Louis for lessons. Sedalia, MO isn't going to completely prepare anyone for a famous career anyway - at some point she would HAVE to get enrolled in a bigger "city" company - so if you believe her to be "that good" then go attend an audition in one of those cities. Even Columbia has professional dancers through the university. You could try there.

Good Luck.

I'm confused.... what does homeschooling have to do with how the dance teachers teach dance? Many 4 yr olds are homeschooled and do fine in group lessons without special compensations because they are homeschooled. And what in the world are you wearing that makes people treat you that way? I dont wear designer clothes, I spend very little on clothes and dress casually but no one treats me like I'm poor and shouldn't be wasting my kid's food money on special classes. Unless you look homeless, your clothes are not going to change how people treat you, your actions are. If it's clothes making people look at you and your daughter differently, then think about how you are dressing, because it does effect your child if you look homeless or like her grandmother instead of mother. My guess is, it's not the clothes.

Your daughter is four. The instructor was probably just being nice.

She doesn't need private lessons. She needs to have fun with dance and make new friends and twirl around with other little girls. You need to encourage her to do that instead of trying to isolate her from other kids. If she's that good at dance (and I seriously doubt at 4 you can really tell this) she will be good whether she is with a group or alone at this age. You really need to encourage the "fun" part of dance and not be so serious about it all.

You erased about 90% of your question, which had a lot to do with how you felt you were being victimized by this dance school -- that they lied about taking credit cards, and don't like how you dress or what jewelry you wear and that you think they drove by your house and don't like the old car you drive. I think you are too focused on yourself and what others think about you. I also don't understand why it matters that your daughter is homeschooled in regard to her gymnastics and dance.

I had a friend once who sounded exactly like you. She was focused on herself and what others thought about her, her kids were always better than anybody else's and they needed to be instructed differently in order to further their talent, and she always felt like she was being watched/victimized by people who didn't understand her ways. She pushed her kids so much that they got sick of the things she felt they were good at because it wasn't any fun for them. It was a chore to please their mom and everybody else. She is a miserable person to this day, and when people see her coming, they cringe because nobody can satisfy her and she is always complaining. You sound a little bit like that. At least you DID, until you erased everything.

If the instructor continues to blow you and your daughter off then take the hint and go somewhere else. They either aren't that interested in giving your daughter private lessons, OR they just don't see the value in private lessons for a child so young (likely the case.)
I know it sucks to have to drive somewhere else but what can you do? If they don't want your business you can't exactly make them serve you, right?

Is it possible you over-think things? You wrote a very long post, trying to analyze what everyone else is thinking and why they are thinking it. If you don't like "drama," then don't engage in that kind of thinking. That is the root of "drama."

Make life more simple for yourself.

1) Don't worry about what other people think. You can't control it. ALL people make judgments about other people based upon how they look. If you "look like an herbalist," drive an old car, etc., people are going to think you are more poor than the average person. If that bothers you, dress better and drive a better car.

If you don't want to change your appearance and your car, then don't worry if people assume that you are poor, because I'm telling you that is exactly what they will assume.

2) If you don't like a dance studio, you have to go somewhere else. Quit trying to analyze why the instructor won't give your daughter private lessons. She either wants your money, or she doesn't, for some reason. It doesn't matter why.

If that instructor doesn't want to teach your daughter, or if the dance studio continually blows you off, you will have to make the drive to the other dance studio. That is the way of the free market.

I think your husband is correct -- you are getting upset over nothing. If you don't like drama, it's time to change your ways. And maybe you should dress up more.

On that note -- I worked out and went out sweaty with a greasy face and with messy hair and did errands all day yesterday, including taking my son's beat-up car to the dealer. While at the dealer I contemplated the judgments they must be making about me based upon my appearance that day and my son's filthy car, but being unkempt worked for me yesterday, so that's what I did. And I didn't give a hoot about what they thought.

Take a dance/gymnastics break and sign her up for taekwondo?
People are starting kids on some pretty intense activities earlier and earlier
and the kids get so many sports/activity related injuries it's not even funny.
Her bones, muscles and joints are still growing.
Our son didn't have the attention span for following instructions till he was about 8 yrs old (it varies from kid to kid).
Until then he had lot's of unstructured free play time.
He was very creative and made all kinds of forts.

Sports/dance are only one way to socialize.
She can take an art class too.
Being too focused on one thing so early is just too much.
Approach it sideways and go off in another direction.

Dance is about a team. I would not do private. She'll learn more in group.

This studio sounds a little crazy!!! I'm having visions of that show "Dance Moms." Other than the fact that your daughter likes the instructor, why on earth would you want to go there? If someone made me feel that badly I'd avoid them like the plague. You've made appointments for a private lesson and when you get there they say "Whoops, we have someone else in here"????? That's about as unprofessional as it gets. Seriously, I've never heard of such a thing. It really stinks that you'll have to drive further for dance, but I think that's what you need to do. Your daughter is only 4 - she'll adjust and find new teachers that she likes. Good luck.

I would be frustrated enough to try the one 40 mins away. Ask them if you can have private lessons and see how you like the people.

Don't let the first group know about it. If the other works out, still don't burn bridges, your town is too small.

Yep, I've known a lot of people around your neck of the woods who are like that. Doesn't make it right.

I'm a gymnastics/dance/cheer instructor, (and also a homeschooling mom) and my issue would be what would you teach a 4-year old for an entire private lesson? 4-year olds are very limited in what they can do and how much information they can handle. I have trouble teaching 4-year olds in a GROUP for longer than 30-45 minutes. With that I include waiting in line and playing games with each other. She's better off in a group setting.

I know that one-on-one is good for homeschooling, but when my daughter was younger we didn't spend very long on any one subject and we took lots of breaks.

If your daughter truly is talented, she will enjoy class no matter what and I think learning to dance in a group is super important!!