Cutting the Ties...

My heart is breaking for you. This is a tough spot to be in but in healthy relationships you are free to be you and healthy relationships don't make demands on you.

Yes boundaries need to be set but when you have been raised in this unhealthy way it takes time and help to establish acceptable normalcy. A great counselor can help you navigate through this new to you territory.

Moving is a great idea. Cutting ties may also be a great idea for a time but learning how to master setting and sticking to your healthy boundaries is the best. Controlling people don't like being told what to do or how to do it but you have every right to be respected and live your own life. You are 30 and it is your life.

Read up on books abour co-dependency and setting boundaries. Learn to use the recommended suggestions. It will take repetition on your part because we learn by trial and error but it's okay to make mistakes and learn from your mistakes.

Your live and quality of life will improve as you learn how to set healthy boundaries with not just your parents but all of the people you must interact with in your life.

This won't be easy but it will be very worth it in the end. They may even cut you off instead of the other way around which is fine because they are adults too and you will try to respect their wishes just like you want them to respect yours. Success on your journey to healthy and wholeness with your family.

Move today if at all possible! It will be tough but not as tough as your life is with your Mom calling the shots. You cannot please some people no matter what you do! Do not wase another minute!

My Mom was very controlling. My Mom expected to know how much money I made and complained about the most basic things like the laundry detergent I used. She called me stupid for paying for cable and complained about money spent on school clothes and Christmas.

When we vistied I was expected to clean up after my grown brother, clean house, mow the grass, do the ironing, and clean the kitchen after taking care of my family and working a job all week! We never spent any family time together when there was not an argument.

The ranting always became worse about the time we were getting readly to head home. Many times I put my kids into my car saying "Mom if you continue this beheavior, I will stop coming to visit you." It took a while but I stopped visitng all together.

My life improved because I called the shots right or wrong. I was in control.

When I called the conversation would be more of the same so I told her, "Mom this is not a topic for conversation. I will hang up on you if you persist." and I did.

You will never earn your Mom praise so stop trying. No mater what you do you will never plese her. GEt out while to you.

Sometimes for your own mental health and safety you have to cut the ties. My mom died when I was nine and my dad when I was 14. My mother's sister took me in. However, there was another niece that she favored and could do no wrong. I was "expected" to get up and clean and be Cinderella. After high school graudation I went off to school and talked with the psychologist that was on board and she told me to do my thing and not include her (the aunt) in what I wanted to do. Don't even ask her to participate because nothing good was going to come of it.

After a bit I could see the difference in our relationship for the better. Of couse she was a bit miffed when I started doing my own thing and not helping as much and not including the niece.

So do what you must to live your life as you want without having a heavy hand always pushing down for more than you need or can give. They have both passed on and I am still here and enjoying my life for myself and my family.

I am a survivor and you can be too. Just do it and move away and live your life. If she does call you don't let her guilt you into something you will regret like moving back. Don't.

The other S.

PS LIfe is too short and she is a very unhappy person on the inside as nothing is ever right. Stop trying to please.

First of all, sorry that you are going through this. If you don't think setting boundaries for her would work, then yes cut the ties. Just because she is your mom does not give her the right to try to control your life as you are describing. You are an adult and it's time she realizes that and backs off. If she doesn't then cut her out completely. I don't say this all lightly, we've had to cut someone out of our lives as well. Someone who is extremely toxic that we no longer could have in our lives. You have the right to decide who's to be part of your family. Just because you share blood doesn't mean you are family. Doesn't give them a free pass to do whatever they please. You need to surround yourself with positive loving productive people and if your mom can't fit into that catagory, then it's her loss, not yours. Good luck and again sorry that you are having to deal with this. It's not easy, I know.

I no longer have a relationship with my mother. It was upsetting when the relationship came to an end, but has been a complete blessing. I never realized how much of the stress in my life was caused directly by her until I stopped talking to her. The situation was similar to yours, she was constantly insulting me because I am a hairstylist and not in what she considers a professional career. She was trying to control decisions for my children. She treats my brother like the grand pooh-ba even though he is a p.o.s. alcoholic. She expected way too much from me when I lived there as far as helping out and my brother and sister never had to do anything. She bought them both cars and later for their college but has never helped me with anything. I just got tired of her bs and finally I wrote her a letter explaining my feelings and letting her know the exact behaviors I was no longer willing to tolerate. Her response was to tell.that she was blocking my.phone number and never to call her or write her again. She didnt sent my dd anything for Christmas or.her birthday, not even a card.
She has contacted me a few times, once was a creepy letter inviting herself.to our house for Christmas, uh not going to happen. Another was a weird text wanting to know what sizes my kids wore so she could bring them clothes when she came for a visit, uh no again. My stance on this now is that if its behavior I wouldnt tolerate from a non relative, Im not taking it from her either. No matter what she will never be allowed around my children.
Moving away might be a good option for you, along with some counseling. You dont have to cut her off completely, but setting some very firm boundaries and sticking to them would be healthy for both of you. I wish you the best, and I always just tell myself the only thing I can control is the kind of mother I am to my kids. At least you have a good example of everything not to do.

HI Dancer,
I knew it, I knew there was more to your co-dependent choices with the the babysitting problems you have had over the years. It wasn't just the luck of the draw.

I want you to know that you are not alone in having an abusive, controlling mother. It is right for you to question the fairness of her requests on you and lack there of on her son.

Get away from her and create as much distance as possible from her.

I say this from personal experience. My mother used me as her personal house cleaner and baby sitter and dish washer extrordinaire forever. Even when I had gone through a terrible divorce and visited her on my vacation, she would want me to fix things around her house. I finally stopped going. And guess what, now that I spend time with other family members, my sister, my aunts and uncles, she still tries to control me and get me to come home and take care of her every wish.

People like your mother and my mother will never get it. Don't think there is anything you can say or do to make them understand their cruel and unfair choices. You have a right to live your life to it's fullest. You are young and have opportunities to make your own decisions that positively affect your future. Deep cleaning your mother's home because you visit for a short time is not a normal request. But it is of her to you specifically.

I vote you create as much distance as possible and be civil about it. She wants to know your every move so she can weasel her way into getting more out of you. If you're not busy with such and such a friend, whom she approves of, she'll fill up your time with her needs.

It's not an easy decision. But it's a necessary decision.

GL!

Personally, I would cut ties with her NOW, and get some therapy.
You dont need that in your life and unfortunately thats your mom!
Surround yourself with positive people and get some professional help for what she has done to you.
I wish you the best!

Pay her mortgage for staying for 2 weeks?
She sounds like a real piece of work.
Just cut her off now.
No staying with her, don't ask her for anything or give her anything.
Delete her emails as spam, get an unlisted phone number, send any mail/packages from her back unopened, no birthday/Christmas/Mother's Day cards.
If she comes knocking on your door, tell her you are calling the police to escort her off the property.
(Contact with your brother might be a way in for her.
Consider if he's worth it - he might not be.)
Pretend she's passed away
If she wants her own personal Cinderella, she can try heaping this on your brother and/or his girlfriend but you - are - done.
Some counseling would be great to get over feeling guilty for anything.
Life's too short to be dealing with nonsense like this.
Leave her behind and don't look back.

With family like that who needs enemies?

Maybe it's the universe's way of nudging you out there to find your own life. I am so very sorry that you didn't have a nurturing, loving mom. That is so painful. But you can get past it. Nurture yourself and love yourself. Give yourself some permission to set boundaries. It's time!

Good luck and <<hugs>>.

just say, " look mom, i will not be spoken to like that. i do not allow any one else in my life to speak to me that way, and i will not stand here and be spoken to that way by you either." if she continues. you just get up and walk out. do not continue to explain, or argue. just walk out.

even if she does this to you in your own home. just walk out. i know it is your home, but it is easier than trying to make her leave, and gets the same point across with less drama than trying to make her leave, and next time just tell her she has to promise to treat you respectfully before you will
let her in your home.

Get out now. You can't change her or stop her from abusing you while you are there. You grew up with her terrible treatment and it has become "normalized" so it will be extremely difficult for you to set boundaries right now. The best thing to do is to take time away from her, minimize contact, find a good therapist and develop relationships with emotionally healthy people. When you are stronger and have a better idea about how normal healthy people interact, you will be better prepared to set healthy boundaries with your mom. At that point, you may not need or want a relationship with her at all.

Hi, Dancer:

Setting boundaries is really difficult especially since you have been adopted. Seeing things from her point of view is she doesn't have a life, seems like.
That doesn't excuse her from being controlling.
Yes, you need to learn how to say to your mom how you feel about the remarks she makes that hurts your feelings.
Next you need to tell her what you need.
There is a process to setting boundaries.
Running away never solves anything.
That is a defensive mechanism because you don't know how to
set boundaries.
Good luck.
D.

Wow...sorry sweety.

The only way to handle a control freak is to stop giving them control.

You are almost 30? Time to step up and voice your opinion and tell her you are not going to take it anymore. What are you afraid of? Hurting her feelings? Seriously?

Listen, she didn't "pick" you to adopt. The agency picked her. You do not owe her anything except a thank you for not killing you.

My mother and I had a similar relationship until my late teens. I didn't put up with it. She tried the guilt trips and I let her know they don't work on me and never have. Our relationship has been fabulous since my 30's (Now 41). I just tell her like it is.

You need to find your strength...and move away.

Oh yeah, this sounds like my mother, and her boyfriend.

Are you still single? It seems like parents like to control us more as we are single.

Our parents need a life, and stay out of ours!!!

There is only so much you can take. If you can leave town, go, get some piece of mind. I did that for 2 years, was wonderful, but had to come back as no work was around in Ohio.

Here was my drama:
Where to start, my mother is such a self-centered/bipolar itch it is not funny. She thinks that she is always right, if you don’t do what she wants you to do, she is very bossy and will get mad at you and not talk to you (which is a good thing,) she and her boyfriend usta come over our house when we are not home and snoops through all our stuff, mail (even my bedroom,) complains about everything me and my children (they are adults too) do, and the choices we make (if we don’t run our decisions through her-she will get mad and say nasty things) needs to know where we are 24/7 and checks up on us. My children are done with them (one moved to another town, the other is looking at moving out of state.) They even went looking for my oldest new house (he is 23) and knocked on neighbors doors looking for him. They just had to know where he was, and what the house looked like so they could complain. I could go on, and on....

My brother left home when he was 13 (I left home at 17) because our mother and her “boyfriend,” (who is just like her,) and he has not spoken to her since.

I had to eventually cut the cord. The last draw was them driving down my street and then calling to ask who was that parked in my drive-way. I stopped talking to them. And had to be mean (long overdue.) I started talking to them again, because my mother got sick (in the head) and she wanted to see me. I do not tell them anything, changed my door locks, and my kids run and do not answer the phones (they even started going up to their works-which they put a stop to!)

This is rather straight forward - ignore as much as you can. And don't go stay with her.

If she asks you to pay her mortgage, just laugh and tell her that until you get an office job, you're too "thick as sh*t" to afford that.

It isn't too much for her to ask to clean her bathrooms. I do that for my mom and have done it for my MIL, my sister, and friends. No kidding. You aren't above that. However, it's not her business what your job is and that's what you ignore.

It's not really that "odd" that your mom would pay for the girlfriend to come and not expect her to clean. The girlfriend is a guest. She obviously wants the girl to marry your brother.

None of what I'm saying means that your mom is doing the right thing by getting her nose into your business. You need to institute boundaries. And it matters not one wit that this is your adoptive mom rather than a natural one.

You should stay with your friend in order to teach your mom a lesson about trying to shake your down for mortgage money. That is so inappropriate.

Dawn

You limit your contact with her and your conversations. Say you get together for xmas. You normally would spend all day there, well, now you will only stay a couple hours. And don't call her anymore. Only get together for major bdays and holidays and NOTHING else. Just be too busy all of a sudden. And don't give her ANY details about your life. The more info she has, the more she can use against you. I have had to do this with my own mom and I'm an ONLY child and my mom never married. So she is my ONLY family I have and I still had to do it! It has gotten so much better for us since I've done this. Don't stay with her and only briefly talk to her. Good luck!