I am going to premise my question with the disclaimer that I have already decided how I am going to handle this, but I am curious as to how others would:
One of my very good friends has a son who is one of my son's very best friends. Our families are very close, and they do a lot of wonderful things for us and vice versa ( I watch her kids for date nights...and she makes us home cooked meals since I work late, and we eat out all the time)...so it is a very close and positive relationship. I need to premise my question with that, as they are very, very good friends. Their family and ours do many things together.
Well, my son's good friend had a birthday before Thanksgiving , and they had a family party at her house with their family (grandma, aunts, uncles, and cousins, etc.). We were invited (we were the only non family), we came over and joined the family - which was a blast. At that time I asked what her son would like for a gift. He was saving up for an iPod Touch so she told me he would enjoy either $$ or a giftcard to Wal-Mart or Target to help buy the item. So, we gave him a $40 gift card to go towards the purchase of his iPod. It was more than we usually spend on birthday gifts for friends, but it is a very good friend of my son’s, and I know iPods are expensive.
Last week they decided he was going to have a party for friends over the holiday, a sleepover at their house which my son is invited. I had completely forgotten about the previous gift we already gave him...and I didn't know this was supposed to be another birthday party for him (and I am positive my friend doesn't remember that we attended the family party and has already given her son a gift). So, I asked her this morning what he would like as a gift forgetting that we had already given what I felt was a generous gift for a 9 year old. She told me he would like some Wii games like 2 of the ones my son has…which are $50 games (ouch). The kid has some expensive tastes. So…that being said, I am just going to get him a gift card for like $25 this time…but what would you do?
My thought is that it is too petty a topic to mention or bother with...and not worth hurt feelings by the kids if my son shows up without a gift (I know she forgot about the family party and our previous gift). I am certainly not going to buy a $50 Wii game for the kid, either way, and I wouldn’t have even if we hadn’t already given him something. I think she may be aware of the cost of the two games she mentioned as being pretty expensive as she has been Christmas shopping for month so not sure why she would bring them up at all, but I suppose since it is what he wants, and I did ask her what he would like. Either way, I wouldn’t spend that much on a birthday gift…especially one for a kid I already gave a gift to about 5 or more weeks ago (I really don't remember when it was, but sometime this fall). Also, I do not want to send my kid over there being the only one without a gift…even if we already gave one. I am not upset…it is not worth making a big deal. I would just like to know how others would handle this situation.
Thanks!
Added ~ I do know he bought the iPod last week because he was very remiss that his family gave him more money for Christmas to purchase it (grandmas and parents paid for half, and he had to use the giftcards and money he received for his birthday to buy the rest), and in typical kid fashion he didn't want to use "his money" to purchase the other half of the iPod.
WHOA...So it gets odd now!!!
I came home tonight to speak to my son about the whole party/sleepover thing, and mentioned that I was going to buy his friend "another" gift card...I like the iTunes idea even though I don't think the kid is that into music...I think he just wanted the iPod to play games, and he received a DSI last Christmas so on to bigger and better things. My son said it is not a birthday party...and that his friend told him "no gifts!?!?!"
I spoke with my friend (his mom) just this morning...and she specifically told me it was a birthday party (which originally I didn't know)...hence the reason I asked about what he would want, and we got on the topic of Wii games?!? So... about two hours later, tonight, I asked my son exactly when his friend's birthday is, and he said "SEPTEMBER 17th?" Now I am befuddled as to why his friend told him "no gifts" because you would think Mom would be saying that, and the kid would be telling it another way... None of it makes sense!!!
I think I am going to call a few other friends and casually ask if the party is a birthday or not. Once I hear from a few other moms what they think is going on (birthday or not), I am going to casually ask my friend if I misheard her since my son and I seemed to have different opinions of what was going on tomorrow night...Also mentioning I that I know they had a family party we had attended months ago, but was checking to make sure this get together was just an additional birthday celebration with friends or a casual sleepover like her son said. I am hoping that casually mentioning we attended the family party months ago might stir up the memory that we did initially give him a gift.
Either way the whole deal is beyond odd. My friends have more than enough $$$...so not sure what is going on?!?
I called another friend who was going to the party and asked what her take on the party was. She told me it was definately a birthday party. I again decided just to buy a gift card since the other child's mom was also told that is what he wanted. I figured if he/we attended 2 parties, we may as well get two gifts. I am glad we did, because only 3 kids attended ,and I thought it would have been awkward if my son didn't have a gift - as it would have been noticed. Funny part is the third child didn't bring anything. As I had already asked my friend about the party, and had a conversation about it being a birthday, I figured I would just roll with it. As the real birthday was September 17th (3 months earlier), I guess it isn't much of a stretch to assume one might forget inviting someone to a family birthday party or forgetting that I had already given him a gift.
I "think" since it was the holiday my friend just decided he could have a sleepover, and wanted to justify it as her other two children didn't have a party or a sleepover...and since he never had a party with friends she thought she would throw that in as an excuse. Either way it is worth way more than a $25 giftcard to maintain a great friendship. If she wants to throw 17 birthday parties...who am I to say. Look at all the brides who have numerous wedding showers, or mom's that have an abundance of baby showers. Yes...I could have asked, but honestly...I am of the "pick your battles" mentality. I don't think anyone needs to validate why they chose to celebrate...even late or repeatedly.
On the question of how I can forget - it was 3 months earlier, and we go the their house all the time...and we have gone to all their kid's birthday parties. Maybe I am unique in this perspective, but they (kid's parties) are pretty much all the same to me (probably not the most politically correct thing to admit).
On the questions about why I wouldn't just ask her - I just feel like she might take offense that I am alluding to her being a gift grabber...as you can see on this site 100 times a day...people can be extremely sensitive on topics, how you ask, and how they take your question. My friend is one of those people who reads INTO EVERYTHING, and always overanalyzes things to death...and she is sort of a glass is half empty person, so I guarantee she would turn it into something negative even if it wasn't meant in that respect. Some people just see what they want.
Thank you for the great responses, and if I had actually asked the question much earlier (I posted about 1/2 hour before my son left) I probably would have been more proactive about asking...but no regrets. Thank you for all the great advice!
I think you did fine. I think I personally might have searched the 'previously owned' games first for a good deal, (sometimes less than $15), then if I couldn't find the specific game given a gift card toward game stop. Otherwise, handled fine. :)
I would give him a $15 iTunes card and call it good. And when it was my childs birthday...I would invite them to both parties :)
I'd send my child with a small and thoughtful gift. Maybe a toy or book or something. It doesn't have to be expensive. You're a very generous friend.
If you are such good friends why all the sneaking around the misunderstanding? Just be honest with her and ask about what you need to know. And how do you both forget about a generous gift? Odd indeed.
Given the most favorable/gentle attitude toward your friend,
that her mind is full of dust bunnies and she is very very busy
with her life in general, I would accept that she totally forgot
that you had already given her son a remarkably generous birthday gift.
And, given that kids like to open packages with THINGS in them,
and may not see a gift card, no matter how generous, as a THING,
I would have your son bring a (very) modest gift,
wrapped up in a package. Something to open and say Wow! over.
Under $20 worth.
I would send him a $10 itunes gift card in a birthday card (if I was sending anything). Or a birthday card w/ a note that says...hope the gift card helped w/ your ipod purchase (like they forgot you attended, you forgot he did make the purchase already).
It sounds like you and your friend are friendly. I'd just tell her I'd forgotten that I'd already given her son a gift and would just like an idea for something inexpensive so that her son would have something to open at the kids' party.
Sounds like you both forgot and it's not big deal. Just be a friend, assume the best, and have a brief friendly conversation.
Do you think that when she had mentioned that he would like the Wii games for his birthday, she was just telling you what he wanted but wasn't really expecting you to get it for him? I think it's possible that she was answering you honestly but either was caught in a moment where she was not censoring herself as well as she normally would (we all have those moments) or thought that you could probably give him $$ or a gift card to go towards the purchase of those games. If you believe that she forgot about your previous gift and has been more than a good friend to you and the rest of your family, I think she has probably earned a benefit of a doubt this one time.
As for what I would do, considering the fact that they are such good friends to you and have helped you out so much over the years (I have yet to have a friend offer to babysit for me or make me homecooked meals -- probably because they are all so busy and overwhelmed with their own families), I would buy the $25 gift card just as you have decided to do. That's just how I see it.
if you are that close with her you could casually ask what he purchased with the first gift card you bought him. Did he save up enough for an Ipod or decide on something else?
I'm thinking it was Christmas time and you asked what her son wanted as a gift so she told you. Unless she specifically said "for his birthday...." maybe she was thinking Christmas or Chanakuh.
I think I would ask if he had already used the previous giftcard on his Ipod. That way, you would know if he got it yet, AND your friend would be gently reminded that you already gave him a nice birthday gift (which I'm assuming he didn't send out a thank you note for.. being that you were present at the party it isn't required by etiquette, but still would have been nice). AND, if he DID get the ipod, you could give him a gift card in a smaller amount for iTunes.. They sell them starting for $15.
That's what I think I would do, if I were in your shoes.
After your edit:
wow. THat is odd. Don't know what to think. But, when figuring it out you should know (in the event that you are unaware, lol) that iTunes doesn't just sell music for music players. An iTunes card can be used to purchase apps for an ipod touch as well. Also books to read on the ipod (ibooks app) or movies to watch on it. Ipods aren't just a fancier Walkman, lol. They do OH so much more and iTunes is where you go to buy all the 'extras' to keep things fresh. LOL
After reading your "what's Happened" I'd just call my friend and say "hey girl, we must still have crazy brains from the holidays but my son said yuor son's B day is Septemeber and I know we came to the family one in November did I mishear you or is this just an additional birthday party for him?" Can't see how she would be offended. An prior to your what happened why would your friend forget you came to the family party? Don't we all usually remmeber who came to our house especially if we invited one group that was non-family? I'd feel close enough to my friend to actually say, we'll I hope "jimmy" enjoyed the GC we gqve him at the family party I hope his pther friends give him cool stuff this time too. Baffeling though, totally baffeling. Can't wait to hear what the end result is.
It sounds like you are taking a great "high road" approach, and I wouldn't give it any more thought. If your friend has the expectation that you were going to shell out more money (which she likely didn't, she probably just thought you were asking a question), that's her expectation, not yours.
I think your idea of a gift card to a major store (where they sell Wii games) is a great idea, and you can put in the card "to go toward a Wii game" if you like. It sounds like this child is not hurting for nice things, either.; )
I think this is likely the most graceful solution for this situation. Your friend is lucky to have you!
In our family it's common for games to be come hand-me-downs / buying used games. I wonder if she was thinking along those lines? A used game is only about $20 and a handmedown is free.
I THINK what I would do is to give a $10-$20 iTunes gift card. Then write in the card that it's to "match" :) your other giftcard. AKA gentle reminder (Oh yeah!), and useful, and not raking over the coals as far as cost is concerned.
I'd send your son with something small for his friend to open with his buddies. Or maybe send him with a "You can borrow my Wii game for a week." written in a card.
or tell your son that you guys already got his friend a bday gift, so if it comes up that he didn't bring a gift, your son could say "I already gave Joey a gift. We gave you some money towards your iPod, remember?"
like you said, nothing to lose sleep over. If it were me, i'd send a small gift with my son. Maybe a pair of ear buds to go with the iPod he's saving for.
Get him a giftcard with a card that says - here's another $10 to make it an even $50! Enjoy!
I would send him with a small gift. You've already been generous.
Well I agree with you that you should probbly send a small gift just to avoid the awkwardness of the situation for your son. If you don't want to address the previous gift, then I guess go with the $25 gift card. However, I don't think would be weird at all if you did...I would just say Gosh I totally forgot we got him that giftcard for the iPod when we came to the family party but I'll be sending a small thing anyway with Son for the party, just wanted to let you know.
As far as her mentioning those two games, it seems that she probably mentioned he wanted those and was figuring you wouldn't actually buy the games but maybe a gift card towards them. I mean my bestie and I spend more money on each other and our kids than "others" but neither of would spend that much on one kid for one present, so I'm guessing she was just using it as a reference.
I think I would agree with the way you are handling it. I wouldn't want my son going without a gift and at the same time if I were your friend I would have remembered such a generous gift given, even if it were 5 weeks ago. No excuses given there.
i agree that she didnt remember. i wouldnt have given him more money i would have got a cheap board game that was under 20 bucks. you are taking this in stride and its the right way to go.
The way I look at it, when you are invited to a b-day party, wedding, shower etc, you bring a gift and in return you receive food, entertainment and social contact. So if your son is going to another party, he will again be receiving entertainment, food, etc and therefore should bring a gift.
I would send your son with a gift card for an amount that is appropriate in your area (around $20).
Personally I try to spend no more than $15 for kid birthday gifts. Over the course of a year it can really add up. I would have your son pick out a small toy and have him bring that to the party. Something small would probably be more in line with what the other kids bring anyway. I wouldn't make this into too big a deal. I've gone to two birthday parties for kid before (typically nieces/nephews) and I just make sure to bring something small to the second party.
I would tell my friend something like this:
"Wow, I feel so special that we get to come to the friend party AND we got to be part of the family birthday party, too!"
Then I might casually ask about the ipod.
I'd still send my child with a gift--though a smaller gift because I wouldn't want my child to feel wierd when presents are opened and kids are really sensitive about that stuff. I like your idea about a $20 -$25 gift card. I would still mention being touched at getting to go to both parties.
She sure does a lot of very generous things for your family all year long.
I would give the $25. card, and mention that you all feel very fortunate to be such great friends.
When people ask what my daughter wants and it is a high dollar item, I say, our "daughter is saving up to purchase... But I am sure whatever you give her she will love."
Give from your heart, no bad feelings.. they sound more like family than just friends.. No harm spending a little more, just this one time..
I think it is strange that you "forgot" the first generous gift too...when exactly did you "remember"?:)
Ah ha! I think I've got it. I think it was supposed to be a birthday party this time, she remembered after she talked to you that you gave a gift and told her son to let your son know that it wasn't so there wouldn't be embarrassment over it. Of course you'll never know unless you talk about it. Fascinating...
I would have sent my child to the second party with a $15 Itunes card so he could put music on it, and good for you gi ving such a large sum for the gift ... we have a strict rule on gift giving in my house ... there are a lot of children and bday parties ... $20 for xmas and $10 for bday for under 12 ... over twelve $30 for xmas and $20 for bday ... but we have 11 bdays in October and then we are hit with Xmas 60 ish days later!! You have to shop all year in this family to keep it somewhat even! Not to mention the other family birhtdays during the rest of the year.
I'd probably say, "oh wait a minute, I forgot, I already gave him part of an ipod!" But if you feel uncomfortable with your son not giving him a present on the actual day, and you can afford it, then what you have planned is a good way to go.
Maybe she thought you were asking about Christmas?????
My opinion...
No 2nd gift at all regardless of type of party.
Ask/tell parent directly " I am wondering, your son says it's not a birthday party and no gifts should be brought but you say it is a birthday party and get him a gift so which is it?" AND say you assume you dont need to give him another gift since you were at the original party and gave a genrous gift then.
His birthday was in November and he is having a birthday party with friends in December? That is odd enough but as you said, you are very good family friends so supposedly you think this is reasonable.
So...Giving a 2nd gift is the primary question? I would not want to send your son to the party without a gift...Since presumably the other friends will have brought a gift. But you already gave this blessed boy $40 and that to me is quite a lot. So I would do nothing more than a $10 gift card.
Well you already bought him a birthday gift so I wouldn't buy anything else.
I'd go with an itunes gift card.
I would probably buy him an itunes gift card and put a note on the card saying something like "we thought this would go nice with the gift card we gave you towards the purchase of your new ipod"
That is a strange situation, but if she's such a good friend, I guess I don't understand why you couldn't just talk it out with her. Use the whole "b-day party mix-up" to raise the subject and tell it all in one story like you did here. Then ask her "so which is it?"
She seems like a loving, generous person so I think it would be only fair to give her the benefit of the doubt here and assume the most positive thing you can about her. Assume that she had a brain-fart (like you did, lol) about the previous gift you had given and assume she didn't realize how expensive those games were. Another good reason to bring it up is to make sure that your very generous gift card didn't get lost in the mix at the first party and never used. It wouldn't be the first time something like that has happened and I, for one, would want to know about it so I could search my house.
Like someone else mentioned, this whole situation could have been a big misscommunication about the nature of the party. She might very well have meant Christmas party when she said birthday party. It is highly unusual, after all, to celebrate a brithday not only twice, but with such a large amount of time between the actual date. All I can say is talk to her and be honest about everything. It's what you would want her to do if your situations were reversed, I'm sure. Something seemingly small like this can grow and grow if it's left unresolved and can, ultimately, be very damaging to your friendship.
I wonder if he heard September but it was actually December. My bf's son had his birthday the 18th and she never has a party for him until some time in January due to it being too close to Christmas and she wants it to be more his special day instead of just one more thing to do before Christmas.
Sounds like there is defiantly some confusion. If the other moms are sending gifts I would do so too. You might look around at Game Stop or some other place like Hastings and see if they have your games or something very similar in the used sections.
I think a 50.00 Wii game is an inappropriately expensive kid to kid gift, even for a good friend. Tell your son your family has already given his buddy a generous birthday gift at the family party, so he may take a smaller gift to his friend party. Ask your son what he thinks his friend would like (I would try to steer towards the 15-20 dollar range). If he has an appropriate idea, have him bring that gift. If he's not sure or aiming too high, I would suggest a Target gift card, I-Tunes gift card, GarmeStop gift card, or a much less expensive Wii game that the brand new 50.00 game.
Hi SammyJo,
So, his family birthday party that you went to was 5 weeks ago and he didn't send your son a thank you card? That is strange. Don't you think your friend would have made her son write thank you's? Is it possible he never received your son's gift, since your son never received a thank you note? Gift cards can get lost easily, so maybe it really got lost and your friend doesn't think your son gave a gift. I think you should ask your friend if her son received your son's gift. It would be a shame for a $40 gift card to be behind a couch in her house and doesn't even know it!
I also find it strange that your friend doesn't remember that your family was at her son's family party. Was she drinking that night? A lot??
Again, take the direct approach and ask your friend if her son received your gift card. Just get to the bottom of it. If she says no, tell her that you did bring a gift that night (and remind her that you were there), and you are sorry it got lost. Send a small gift to the friends party - perhaps not a gift card this time, since the first one might have slipped through the cracks.
