Curfew and Other Issues for 16 Year Olds and Older

We recently figured out our teen boy has found a loophole in our rules. He's over 16 but not driving yet. He has friends living close, and walks to and from their homes. We would let him walk over to spend the night at their homes.
Well recently we have been noticing evidence that he actually comes home quietly during the night instead of staying over. We realized he had figured out that we say NO if he asks to go out at night with an unspecified return time, but we say YES if he wants to spend the night at a friend's house. So he asks for the overnight, but doesn't actually stay over--which means he is actually doing the first thing... Pretty sneaky, huh? Watch out for that kind of stuff.

Page,
We have three teenagers. One is 16 and drives. She has to be home by 11, as that is when the provisional liscense says. Past that time she has to be accompanied by an adult over 18. We have to know where she is at all times for safety, she can go where she wants, but has to let us know, and if someone is having a party without parents, forget going. I don't care if she feels stifled, its for everyones sanity. I don't want cops knocking on my door saying do you know where she was, or callling to come get her because she was out too late. Or not knowing when she will be home...that is totally not acceptable. Its harder when they first get thier liscense because they want to just fly and be free. Which is ok, so long as they tell us where they are, and if the location changes, we have to know that too.
W.

Hi, Page: I think I would be pretty suspicious, just because I know what I was up to when I was 16(!) But you do have to let her learn how to handle herself. I think a curfew time that is flexible, depending on where she wants to go, when, and with whom, is a good idea. And I don't think it's unreasonable to expect to know where she is at all times. All she has to do is call you --- that's not exactly "stifling" her.

I think letting go is hard for most concerned parents, so consider yourself normal. You say your daughter is very social, but didn't mention if she has a record of being very responsible. Does she generally do well in school. Do your know her friends and their parents. Do her friends come to your house for get-togethers? If she has a cell phone are you aware of who she calls and gets calls from.Does she have a my space page- what goes on there? Who pays for gas and car insurance. Remember she is 16- only 16. I'm sure she feels much older. That's normal too. With privledges come responsibilities... at ANY age.

On a school night, with homework done and all classes with average or above grades- 9 PM is a reasonable curfew. On a weekend 11 PM would seem plenty of time to enjoy a social life. Where she is (at all times) and who she is with (at all times) is expected of a parent. Interesting to think that her friends know who she's with and where she is, but she doesn't think it's important for you to know. She is 16 -the conflicts you're having go on in homes across the USA. It is expected that she will rebell and challenge you on what she will consider "tracking" her.

Just a thought-When you go somewhere (or your husband- if you're married) you probably let her know where you will be... out to dinner, at a movie with husband or shopping with a friend, at the grocery store. If you have a cell- you wouldn't be upset if she called you. You'd likely give an extimated time you'll be home. etc. Expect no less of her than you, an adult and parent, would do. I'm sure she feels grown up (that's normal) but these are the times that will challenge both of you. Remind her that she can follow your rules and expectations or expect to be severly stifled with the loss of car keys and staying home rather than be out with friends.

One final thought.. explaining the house rules should not be a fight. So, don't raise your voice, don't get into a shouting match. If she has a job, she wouldn't argue with her boss about the work rules and regulations. If she did she would be fired. Just set the rules and consequences in a very mild mannered, matter of fact tone of voice. When she leaves the house ask the important questions and modify her plan if you are not comfortable with it. Be sure she understands the expections before leaving the house- without ATTITUDE.The rest is up to her.And finally- be a person of your word ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH with compliments and consequences.

Hi Page,

I am with Wendi 100%. If a teenager doesn't want their parents to know where they are going, then they shouldn't be going there. I also believe strongly in curfews.

Blessings.....