Crying It Out - Roseville,CA

For some babies touch is actually stimulating instead of soothing. This can be completely counter-intuitive since we have been trained to pick up a crying baby! Also, I have heard of babies who need to cry a bit to blow off steam so that they can unwind. Makes sense when you consider they can't talk and have limited mobility.
If leaving him is his room and letting him fuss a bit is what works for him don't fight it! You are not a bad parent for giving him what he needs.
At 14 months he may only need one nap so spend a few days watching him like a hawk to see when he gets tired. Adjusting his schedule might help some. Good Luck!

Hi,

As a mother of two boys I can identify with what you are going through; both of mine hate taking naps and going to sleep at night. You might want to read the article "attachment parenting" in last month's edition of Mothering magazine. It refutes much of the "crying it out" method, and discusses and supports in detail the need for parents (moms) to respond when their children are crying; builds trust, makes them feel safe, etc.
I always trusted my instincts and when something intuitively didn't "feel right" I would comfort my boys regardless of what others may say.
They are only little once, for a brief moment in time, and crying is a way to communicate with you. Don't worry, they won't be crying while going to bed forever, they eventually grow out of it but for now they need their mom.

Good Luck!

Try sleeplady.com I have had success with some of her tips. You can even schedule a 1:1 session, which would probably be what you want at this point.

Good luck.

M. S

I've let my daughter cry it out many, many times. There is nothing wrong with doing that. You're not beating them, starving them, locking them away - you're just saying "ENOUGH - GO TO BED". They need sleep. They do need their nap/s. Our first cry it out session lasted 45 minutes before she passed out. Very hard to listen to but we had a camera on her and we had the monitor so we could make sure she was okay while going through her moment. We still have the camera/monitor on her to this day and she still has moments where she needs to cry it out for naps or bedtime and she's 3. The CIO method works. First night 45 minutes, 2nd night 20 minutes, 3rd night 5 minutes, 4th night a whimper or nothing, just sleep. We recently had to do sleep training all over again due to a new baby and again, we let her CIO. First night 35 minutes, 2nd night 15 minutes, 3rd night 5 minutes and now she's doing great. I think it's the feeling of guilt that makes us back away from the CIO method but it's fast and efficient. Some will think we're ogres but it's better than losing it and physically harming your child. I read the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" by Dr. Marc Weissbluth and that helped me alot to understand the importance of naps/sleep. Good luck with everything. I've been where you are.

Hi C.,
What is his sleep schedule? I am a huge fan of the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. While he does state that the CIO method is the quickest way to correct sleep issues, he also states that it isn't for all children. What I really like is that he gives age appropriate sleep needs and schedules. The biggest mistake parents make is putting their children to bed too late at night. Once a child is overtired, they "hit the wall" and it is very hard to fall asleep and stay asleep. My daughter's bedtime was around 6pm at this age with a nap at 9am and 1pm. Setting the mood with a routine and a darkened room as essential. If he is really overtired, an extra early bedtime for a few days to a week may be necessary. The Ferber method is a modified CIO and takes 1-3 weeks of consistency to work. We also make sure the TV and computer is off for at least 1 hour prior to sleep. One of the hardest things I found to do was distinguish between my daughter's needs and wants. Tough L. is never easy, but healthy sleep habits are very important. My daughter will be 4 next month and is incredibly smart and secure. I give a lot of credit to the fact that she is getting great sleep at the right times. I have let her cry it out at times, yet she has not one insecurity issue. As a product of attachment parenting, I'm not a huge fan. It has taken therapy to deal with my co-dependency issues, which I feel are directly related to it. Just my opinion.
Sincerely,
L.

Hi C. S,
My son also fought naps and bedtime with a vengeance. We were forced to use the Ferber method, too, although I hated every second of it. However... that being said, it did work for us. You mentioned that you go back in after a few minutes to pat his back. I found that this prolonged the torture with our son.... he learned that if he kept crying we would eventually come back in, even if only to rub his back or to talk to him. So we went cold turkey: put him in bed, told him it was "night-night time," and left the room. It took 3 nights of crying, each time a little less, and by the 4th night he was saying "Bye-Bye" to us as we were leaving the room. I had to do the same for naps, too.
Hang in there, it isn't easy! But give it a try, your son does need the nap... and you need the break!

I would kiss Dr. Ferber if I ever saw him. His book saved my brain from the ravages of sleep deprivation and helped my son learn to fall asleep w/out nursing or rocking, etc. I think his book is very compassionate and, well, it just so happened to work like a charm for us. I was totally against CIO for the first 10 months or so and then I hit the breaking point after his first B-day - we all needed to sleep desperately! It was time for my son to learn how to put himself to sleep - it is completely humane to help your child gain this ability (if he cried for 3 hours and vomited - I might feel differently - for us it was about 35 mins. at it's worst). Anyway, before this, he was a horrible napper too - at first it was still sort of hard to get him to nap (didn't let him cry as long for naps), but the more active he got the easier and easier it became. I just carry part of the nighttime routine into the napping - the sleepsack, books & his favorite stuffed animals. At 16 mos. he's almost asking for a nap. Good luck!

Hi C.,

Sounds like you're having a tough time. I know it's hard to listen to the crying, but actually it sounds as though it's working--five minutes of fussing is great! Even if it takes him 25 min, that's not all that bad, and he's getting the sleep he needs. It's taking him longer to adjust because he's 14 mos old--it's easier when you're trying to establish that method at 6 mos or so. Just keep up the good work--you're the world's BEST mommy for doing what it takes to get him the sleep he needs (not to mention the sleep you need him to get)!

If the crying is really driving you nuts, try playing soothing music in the part of the house where you're working while he's fussing himself to sleep. Not so loud that you can't hear him, but enough to make his crying the background noise, so it won't jangle your nerves as much.

Good luck!
J.

I agree with Teresa M. The Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child book she refers to is the same one a friend recommended when I had my son. From what I hear and what I've read, healthy sleep habits need to start young. The book referred to helped me understand some basic sleep facts about babies. Chapters are also organized by age, so you don't have to read the whole thing to get what you are looking for. I also agree with the other post about touch being overstimulating for some kids. My son was that way as far as not needing me to rub his back when I thought he did. One of the things I learned is all babies have windows of time when they are more likely to fall asleep and if one goes beyond that window it becomes a futile battle of wills. Baby wants to sleep, but is now past the time of easily falling asleep and will now fight it. This book was a life saver for me and I cannot emphasize it enough. Yes, every child is different but the times for them to be more able to wind down and fall asleep are pretty universal. The book helped me get my son to sleep through the night at 7 months (he would sleep 12 hours a night), then I worked at getting him on two naps a day on a consistent time frame with the help of the book. At around 17 months, he went to one nap a day from about 1ish to 4ish. Some said I shouldn't let him nap so long because he won't sleep as well at night. It's never been a problem. He continues to sleep well unless he's sick. Sleep really does beget sleep and while not all babies sleep the same length of time for night and napping, if we can give them the opportunity to wind down and fall asleep at the right time, they will sleep well. One other thing, a mom suggested this here a while ago and I believe it also helped. I had some curtains for his room made to go beyond the window casing as the vertical blinds are set in and sunlight was creeping in too brightly during the summer and time change periods. I got two layers of material with a very dark color to face the inside. This also helps give him the signal it's time to sleep or nap. While he may talk and babble a little while as he reviews his day/practices talking, he puts himself to sleep without crying. We do our sleep routine (books, rock, say goodnight to a few stuffed animals, he's put in bed and I shut the door and listen on the monitor). It's a process and I know you've been working hard to give the method you tried a chance, but I really think there are lots of little things that can help too (consistent routine, using the window of opportunity when your baby is most likely to sleep, creating the environment to help him sleep). I imagine you are very exhausted and when my son is overtired due to a different schedule for the day or family events, we struggle too to help him wind down and it's so hard those days, but then we get back on track and life is so much sweeter when he gets his solid naps. One day at a time, you'll figure it out, and this phase will pass. I feel for you, hang in there.-M.

You say "we've been doing what I suppose is a modified Ferber method" which kind of highlights your problem. I don't know Ferber method from a ham sandwich, but I know that letting them "cry it out" is the fastest, least painful way of getting kids to go to sleep at night and at nap. The thing with "cry it out," though, is you can't do a "modified" cry it out. Don't go in and "pat his back," or act as if you feel guilty for letting him cry. He doesn't think you've abandoned him. He just doesn't want to go to sleep, and miss out on all the action in the rest of the house. You have to take the reins, and insist, because as you have seen, he gets crabby and tired if he doesn't. They all cry-- don't let it make you feel bad. Just put him down, and don't go back in his room, or stick your head in, or even tiptoe up to listen at the door, until he's fast asleep.

I feel you mama! I chose to ferbarize my fourth child after not sleeping for seven years *laughs* and it has been well worth it! She is going on 16 mos. and I can put her in her crib at 11am and at 8pm and she goes to sleep without any fuss at all! It's truly like a miracle. First off, don't feel too bad, he knows you are not abandoning him. Second of all, I suggest that you do not go in and pat him or soothe him at all, or it is going to make it harder on him. He needs to lose the association of you being there to comfort him. I know that sounds bad, but like I said, he will know you are there for him, all the other times. Find a fuzzy blanket or a comforting stuffy that you use every time to lay him down with, that has helped my baby know that it is nap/night time when I lay her down with her fuzzy blanket and monkey tucked under her arm. The first day/night he might cry for up to an hour...but seriously it gets to be less and less. And eventually he will know you mean business and that no matter what he will have to self soothe. I was skeptical of this method with my first three, but no I am kicking myself for waiting until the fourth child to stick with it. We are all so much more rested now! Good luck and sweet dreams!

It isn't just you & your son. At the urging of my OB when I was desperate for sleep when my son was 6 mos, I turned to Ferber. It didn't work at all. We figured out that he would cry, waiting for us to go in and check on him. We were told the average baby gets the idea in 4-5 days. My son has an extremely persistent temperament and after 2 weeks, it was clearly not working.

So here's what I figured out, I hope it helps.

1. Read Dr M Weissbluth's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child. It isn't as well written as some books but has a lot of really helpful info with different strategies. One thing that I found helpful: when we don't go to sleep when we are tired/sleepy we produce stress hormones which make it harder to sleep. If you wait too long to put your baby to sleep, they will build up these hormones and cry long and hard.

2. My son really needs a regular schedule where things happen approximately at the same time every day. Going grocery shopping and skipping a nap or going out of town would mean that we would have to start over with sleep training, which would take about a week, but decreased as we kept doing it. Now at 2, he usually just snaps back into his schedule within a day.

3. Your baby probably needs more sleep than you think. At 14 mos my son was still taking 2 naps a day (wake-up 7AM, nap at 9:30-11, nap at 1:30-3, bedtime 6:30PM--sometimes 45 mins earlier if he was really tired). Around 18 mos, we switched to 1 nap, but it may have been too early (daycare schedule). He took 2 naps at home until 19-20 mos.

4. The secret to getting my very stubborn son to nap was to put him in his crib for 1 hour and close the door. At the end of the hour, if he hasn't fallen asleep, take him out. No checking on him. We would leave a couple of board books in bed with him as he got older. But he has to know that nap time means that there is hope of getting out of bed or getting attention from parents. Almost all of the time he sleeps (at home his 1 nap is 2-3 hours, daycare is 1-1 1/2 hours).

Hi,

Just a thought, maybe he only needs one nap at this point? I transitioned my boy to one nap, starting around 13 months. He goes down around 11:30, but depending on what time he woke in the morning. So he's awake for about 4.5 to 5 hours in the morning and I always make sure we get some fresh air by going to the park. So maybe he's not tired for his first nap?

A.

The CIO method does work if you stick to your guns. I don't think it is cruel method at all. You are teaching your child how to soothe himself to sleep, which has to be taught like all other skills. At 14 months old he knows that if he cries he will get his way. We did the CIO method (modified a little) with my 5 month old and she has been a perfect sleeper for 2 years, but she knows when mean business when we put her to bed. He definitely needs at least one nap a day. My 27 month old still takes a 3 hour nap everyday and when she was 14 months old took 2 naps (2 hours each). It may seem cruel to let them cry, but if you give in to this it will only get worse and in another year they will have tantrums until they get there way. What time does he go to bed at night? You can try pushing his bedtime back to around 7 PM and see if that helps the overall sleep.

Your son is at that age where he doesn't want to slow down for a nap there are just too many interesting things to explore in his world. As my son got older and didn't want to nap (18 months) I would let him choose two toys and put him in his crib. I would tell him he didn't have to go to sleep but I did expect him to stay in his bed for one hour. He could cry, talk to himself, play with his toys or sleep, he could choose and I would be back in an hour. This gave me a break during the day and usually he would start out playing with his toys and relax enough to drift off to sleep. At 4, we still have quiet bedroom time several times a week and once in awhile he still falls asleep while playing.

Your son sounds like he is overtired from sleep deprivation!

You will get many different responses based on individual and very personal experience. While I had a fairly easy time with both my kids's sleeping, it all started with a firm schedule. That said, I know that every child is unique and his/her temperament will dictate the response to your sleep training. There are two invaluable resources that I have found regarding sleep (or lack thereof) issues:

1. Buy and read Dr. Marc Weissbluth's "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby," - keep it by your bedside until your son is an adolescent. It is not a terribly well-written book, but the information in it is incredible. It address the phases of sleep development and needs throughout childhood. Also, Dr Weissbluth addresses implementing sleep training in a variety of approaches depending on your personal situation.

2. http://www.picknicksbrain.com/
The lady who started this site is incredibly helpful and offers a lot of sage advice for correcting sleep problems. She has raised an unbelievably spirited child and knows that some kids just don't conform to the norms. She even has a weekly chat session where you can have your problems aired live. Please try it - you won't be sorry. *She does offer paid, personal help as well, but you are not forced to go that route.

Good Luck!!!

My experience with both of my spirited girls was at about 14-15 months, probably earlier, they started fighting a nap. Iwas so crazed, i would drive around in the car for up to 30-40 minutes trying to get her to sleep. I finally gave up. Here is what the payoff is: by 6:30pm they are both sound asleep, without a fight I might add in about 5 minutes and sleep until 6:15 the next day. My Dr said 11-12 hours a night is fine.
The only problem has been at around 3-4 we are all crabby, so we try to take 15-30 minute reading time.
good luck

Hi C.,

You’re not the worst mother in the world; if you were you would not be seeking help.

I totally hate the CIO method, never worked for me, not when I was a live-in nanny and not now that I’m a mother. I do agree with the mothers who say that some of the times your son is fussy he may be over tired. Also the mother who said you might want to skip the morning nap may be on to something. The important thing to remember is every child is different. The constant, in my opinion, is when our children feel loved and safe they will relax and settle down.

Here’s what worked for me:

I have a similar problem with my son. I take a swaddle; you know the ones that are all in one (premade) – sort of look like pita pockets, I cut the bottom part off so I had the top – the part with the Velcro closures.

There are days Jake, my son, is so tired he won’t sleep unless I “swaddle” and or “bind” him. It sounds harsh but it’s not different than when he was first brought home and he was swaddled before he went to sleep. I hold him in my arms, give his kisses and let him fight the sleep out. This is made easier because his arms are not flailing all about – this has never taken more than 5 minutes.

If I were to let him find his way to sleep he would be fussy crawling all over the place crying. Once Jake is asleep, I put him in his crib/pack-n-play and remove the swaddle. I don’t leave it on because I want him to be able to roll over without being restricted. Jacob sometimes sits up once he’s been down for about an hour or so, eyes wide open, but when I pick him up and rock him he goes right back to sleep and sleeps for about another hour.

Sleep in an odd sensation for babies, they can’t understand it and fight it. The swaddle reminds them of the womb and helps them feel safe. One way I can tell Jacob is getting tired is I put a few pillows on the floor, when he’s beat, he crawls over to them and snuggles for a second before crawling off to something else. If he does this a few times I know he’s getting sleepy.

I know how difficult this is for you. I hope you will try this method at least once, what can it hurt? Certainly not you or your baby.

Best of luck,
D.

Bottom line: You don't have to do Ferber. You shouldn't do a sleep method that doesn't feel right to you.
My daughter could cry for 2 hours with Ferber training, and still not go to sleep-this wasn't acceptable to me.
Try "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" or my favorite "No Cry Sleep Solution"-I think there is a toddler version.

By the way, he maybe transitioning to 1 nap per day at this age. Maybe he will be easier to put down for 1 afternoon nap.

Also try www.sleepfamily.com if you need a professional sleep consultant.

I have 5 kids and honestly the whole crying it out thing just seemed to cruel and inhumane. I think I might have tried it once with a few of my kids. Good news is my spoiled kids that didnt sleep right as babies are growing up just fine.

At 14 months he needs that nap - my 22 month old still needs it or he is ahhhhh. Sounds silly, but a stroller ride or 5 minute ride in the car around nap time ought to put the baby to sleep - when baby is sleeping take him home and put him to bed. I know its the lazy way, but there wont be any crying and baby gets the rest he needs and you get some fresh air.

Hi C.,

You are most definitely not the worst mother. My son cried so much he vomited when we tried the cry it out method.

Here's what did work for us. I would put on the food network and rock him to sleep in my lap. Then I put him in bed. He napped this way for about one year. Sometimes I even caught a short nap in the rocker with him! I chose the food network because I like it and I knew there would be no questionable content in the shows OR commercials. After a while he knew that food network meant nap time.

FYI: my daughter stopped napping at 22 months, my son still will nap if we're in the car at the right time. He's four years old. He stopped napping daily around 2 1/2 - 3.

Good luck!!!

Hi C.,

a little about me. I am a mother of 4 girls 10,8,6 and 4. I only had one that would take a nap and she sometimes still does. My first who is now 10 at around 14-15 I started to stay home. she fought me on taking naps. Others would tell me she needs to nap and to try the ferber method of them crying it out. I would do that she would sleep for a little while. But i felt so awful because i had to let her cry it out sometimes for a few minutes and other times it seemed like forever. I finally adjusted her night time schedule for her to go to bed a little earlier and to not take a nap unless she fell asleep on her own or in the car or for a stroller ride. it saved my sanity. With out the nap she was more tired at bedtime and willing to go to sleep rather early around 6:30 7pm and she would sleep until 6:30-7 the next morning.

I have found that all kids do not need a nap depending on their bedtime and wake up time. try giving yourself a break from naps to see how well that works for him and you. Good luck!!! it's all trial and error as a parent.

Hi C.,

Sweetheart, you are not alone in this world, especially when it comes to not wanting your baby to "cry it out".

At 14 months, the busy-ness REALLY begins for your son. He's afraid he's missing something :O) What I remember with my boys is when I just FINALLY got the perfect routine ......it needed to change! And then again!

I know you've just mastered your routine for your son, but he is showing you that he needs it "adjusted", even if it's just a 1/2 hour later or earlier. And I think the house needs to be QUIET for him to be able to fall asleep. Otherwise, at 14 months, he's more aware of his fun house and all the fun things he's missing :O)

I used to plan my "errands" everyday in the morning. My routine was breakfast, clean up, clean a room, then errands. By the time I was done with 2-3 errands (perfectly timed), my son would fall asleep in the car, then his nap was still regular, as I would put him in his crib at home. It made life easier for everyone when he fell asleep in the car :O)

Now, my older son diminshed his afternoon nap before he was 2, but my younger boy napped through Preschool :0) Each kids is different, and you need to "feel" how your son is doing and what he needs. They certainly do better with naps!

For now, it sounds like your son simply needs a nap "adjustment" to make everyone's life easier :O) Whatever that may and how to adjust is up to you. You are the mommy, and you know best :O)

~N. :O)

Have you tried lying down with him? I know they are all different. I'm also a work at home Mom. I have an almost 3 year old son and a 5 month old daughter. The only way I can get my little guy to take a nap is to lie down with him. This usually only takes 10 to 15 minutes (which in work at home mommy land can feel like an eternity because we know there is always work to be done). I've found with the stress of being a work at home mom it is important for me to let go and spend some time focused only on my kiddos- everything goes better and I don't get all stressed from listening to crying and whining. Hope this helps. I've got a pretty easy little guy so when people ask me how I get him to do things my answer is usually that he just does what I ask him to. In the nap issue though there is no way he would just go take a nap by himself- really, they are just too little to be expected to do that without crying.

I can relate because we also have a difficult time getting our 2 yr. old to take naps. She just turned 2. We tried putting her in the bed and everytime she gets up, we put her back again and again and again. She only sleeps about 10 hrs a night. She gets so crabby and overly tired when she does not take her nap. We have really tried to get her to nap at the same time everyday. Sometimes, she shocks me, as she goes to bed on her own and falls asleep. Other times, which is most of the time, she fights taking a nap or even going to bed at night. We don't know how to resolve this as we can't Force her to go to sleep. Let me know if you find someting that works.

I've had 2 kids that resist sleep (now that my son is older he loves going to bed, but it took a while). I never quite found the right answer, but there is a book that I wish I would have read when my son was little and is helpful now for my daughter called "Tears and Tantrums" and she believes that some kids need that release of crying before they can settle down; this is very different than the "cry it out" method. In this way you are there supporting the child and letting them know they aren't alone, by patting them, singing, sitting with them , holding them; whatever is comfortable for you. And that when they get it out they will be peaceful and be able to sleep. My daughter seemed to need to cry to fall asleep from day one (even if she was offered to nurse) and has finally outgrown this, because it is time consuming and frustrating to always support them in this way. And you may not feel patient enough to always do this, but reading the book did re-frame my perception of crying. Good luck; he will eventually sleep great; its good to remind ourselves that in these moments.

Well first off treat yourself to a mani pedi! You sound like your at your wits end.
You must stay with it for it to work. Put some music on that is calming and that should make him feel more sleepy during the nap and hopeful muffle some of the noise so you can be at peace during the nap as well. Also try to get him to run or do something that will poop him out then feed him before the nap. His movement then lunch should also make him sleepy and nap ready.
Some kids (my daughter and your son) don't give up and think that they can outlast you if they just keep at it. Stay consistent and over time it will work. They need 15 hours of sleep at least and if they get over tired it gets harder to put them down.
I would tell my daughter that when she got up from nap she could pick 3 books to read together (she loves books) and that would make her settle down so she could get the book reward.
Good luck!

There are many sleep methods out there to choose from depending on what your comfortable with. You said something that sticks out to me- you tried modified version of the Ferber method. That's definitely why it's not working. If you follow his book exactly, you will have results. I did not use it for sleeping but bottle weaning. (I gave my son a bottle at night at 13 months when he stopped nursing and it was hard getting rid of it). I too tried a modified version with no luck, but when I went back and follow it exactly keeping a log of his progress, he weaned off the bottle in a week! It wasn't without crying some, but each day was significantly better and with his new method, I didn't just leave him alone to cry.
Most methods out there mostly deal with babies, not toddlers. That's why I got Ferber's book. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience. If you don't have his newest book, email me and I can give you a step by step if you're interested. ____@____.com
Good luck! You're on the right track reaching out to other moms for support. I'm sure you'll get the answer that best works for your family.
S., mother of 2 energetic and loving boys.

Try melatonin in liquid form a few minutes beofer you want him to go to sleep. My son's pediatrician says it is completel harmless. It is the natural stuff in your body that helps you go to sleep. You can bu it at any health food store.

Hi C.,
your story sounds a lot like mine. My 15 month old will nap, but only if I rock him to sleep EVERYTIME. I also have a 3 year old so rocking the baby to sleep for every nap is challenging. My 15 month old sleeps horribly at night...on a good night he might get 6-7 hours of sleep...it's not fun over here at my house at nap or bedtime. I have tried the ferber method a little and it has never worked for me. (with my 3 year old and 15 month old) Maybe I didn't give it a good chance but I can't let my babies scream for over an hour. (which is what both have done) What I did find my 3 year old is she had acid reflux and laying her flat was painful and she would scream. I don't know what my 15 month old's story is :-) I think he is not a good sleeper...hmmmm
no real words of help here...just want you to know your not alone and I know how hard it can get. Hang in there!

If I run across Mr. Ferber before you do I'll punch him for you. Hi there, I hear you. When my daughter was young she was just like you describe. She would cry for 10-20 minutes and then vomit. JOY! Needless to say, I didn't put up with that for long. The only thing that worked for us was to go on a car ride or stroller ride and let her sleep in the car/stroller. I did a lot of reading in the car parked in our drive way! the things you will do to get some rest! I know this is not very helpful but I just wanted to let you know other people go through the same thing. My daughter is now a very healthy 12 year old who has never needed a lot of sleep. On the bright side, she likes acting and has been able to participate in some great plays that rehearse till late a night on school nights. She does fine with less sleep. My other daughter would never be able to do this.
By the way, my daughter's naps were never more that 45 minutes and never more than once a day. So hang in there, it is worth it in the end, even if you can not see the end in sight. Good luck!

Each child is different. In your case, I'm having to wonder about his activity level. Since you work at home, are you able to get him outside for some really hard running play during the morning hours? I think if you can be sure to do that, then give him his lunch, and put him down for a nap, you might get one good long nap during the afternoon. If your work and your outdoor space allows it, take the work outside with you while you watch him. As for putting him down, I think spending a little time with him as he goes to sleep is best. It sometimes takes as much as half an hour for our little guys in childcare to settle, though it's usually more like ten minutes that we have to spend with them. Put on some good soothing music, and sit next to him.. not necessarily touching him, but if he needs a pat on the back or his back rubbed to help him settle, by all means do it. If our little guys struggle to get up, I put a hand on them and gently talk to them in firm, but soothing tones about how they need to go sleep and this is reat time. Also, try to dim the light in his napping area as much as possible. Put something over the window, even if you have to tack a dark colored sheet or cloth over it to make darker in the room.

I hope some of this will help.

I am sorry you are having this problem. I think some kids like some adults don't require as much sleep as others so maybe yours is one that doesn't plus he is at the age where he is interested in things and wants to explore. You should let him play himself out. If at all possible with your schedule take him to the park or run around in the yard with him then in for a nap. A warm bath might relax him to. I was so blessed with mine as they both slept all n ight from 6 weeks on and took two 2 hr naps sometimes 3 hrs a day until they were 5. Just wear him out.

I don't have time to read so many responses, but ALL sleep gurus say that their methods work for about 90% of all children. Why? Because some kids are more sensitive and "high maintenance" and just require more soothing and don't know how to "soothe themselves". This is the "difficult temperament."
Weissbluth is actually the "true" cry-it-out guru, not Ferber. Ferber at least lets you check in on the kiddo.
Also, Ferber, Weissbluth, et all ALL say some kids just nap less! A small (but significant) percentage of kids with a more difficult temperament have fewer naps and nap for less time. One mama told me her friend's baby went to no naps at 18 months, Lord bless that woman.

As always, books are great for describing about 90-95% of kids. There are always the people who don't quite fit "the mold". This is not good or bad, just is.

In the end, no one parenting style or method will click with you 100% and you'll have to make decisions you are comfortable with that you feel are best for you child.

Good luck!

The cry it out method didn't work for you because you went in after a while, and that just teaches them to cry until mommy gives in. If you waited 2 hours before going in that still would teach your son that he needs to cry for 2 hours before mommy comes in.
We did this method with our daughter and she cried for the first night for about 1 1/2 hours. By the fourth night she fell asleep with no crying at all. I know it's hard to hear your son cring, but this method did work if you stick to the plan. Good Luck!

Hi C.
I have raised 2 sons neither one followed any nap routine. When I finally figured out this is how they are and let them be and stop stressing about him taking a nap our lives became calmer and better. Boys are more active that his how they are made. His body will let him know when he's tired, stop worrying & stressing he is picking up on that. If your happy and calm he will be to. Try quite time soft music & reading to him. Have fun with him and enjoy this time it will pass fast.

Mom of 2 sons

Oh, I feel your pain, C.!

We tried it for 3 weeks when my daughter was 1 year old. It NEVER worked for nap time (and we abandoned it quickly for night time because she got sick a few weeks later and I just couldn't do it again when she was better). After 3 weeks of listening to her cry on the baby monitor I just couldn't take it anymore. I was so upset by it that I had to go to a shrink! And I still wonder if our daughter has been scared by the whole thing (I don't think so...).

So here's what we did, and still do (she's 21 months). I also work at home, so I nap with her every day for 2 hours or so and then I stay up 2 hours later at night to work. I know, it sounds crazy, but everyone is getting enough sleep and no one is crying. I can hear some mommies saying I'm teaching her bad habits and she won't be independent, but I don't think that's a problem. It won't go on forever and she'll grow out of it like all other things. Our little ones are babies for such a short time! On weekends when we're out and about she sleeps happily in her stroller for 2 hours or so, so I know she has a good habit of sleeping and is happy, well-rested kid the rest of the time.

I hope you find a solution that works for you! As we go along this adventure that is parenthood, I have been learning to try to be creative and not just do what everyone else says to do, and to make decisions that result in less conflict and more happiness for the whole family. I'm watching my baby girl grow before my eyes and I cherish the snuggling time we have together and regret ever letting her cry-it-out. Life is short and they grow up so quickly!

Good luck and let us know how things progress!

H.

Hang in there C.!

I know you are pulling your hair out. I remember doing the same.

There are people who feel very strongly about both sides of this issue. I think you need to follow your gut. If CIO does not feel right for you, don't do it. There are alternative sleep training methods out there - most of which take longer to develop than CIO but will still work.

Someone mentioned two books already - both of which were helpful to me too. "No Cry Sleep Solution" and "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." Both of these had helpful tips for me.

The tip I remember most helpful was to go through your nap routine, put the baby down, cheerfully say "night night" and leave the room. When the baby cries, you go back in and rub his back or some other soothing thing for a moment, cheerfully say "night night" and leave again. You do this as many times as necessary (30 times if you need to) until he falls asleep. You always maintain a cheerful and pleasant attitude about it. The idea is that you want to teach him that he is safe and to trust that you are there if he needs you. But you also want to teach him to sleep on his own.

For my son, if I remember correctly, I went in eleven times on the first night, five times on the second night and only one or two times on the third night. It helped me to hear the book say it could take a long time the first few nights and to just expect it and be cheerful about it. Somehow that helped me not get frustrated with it.

Good luck - and know that "this too shall pass."

-C.

Hi C.,

Every baby and parent is different. Dr. Ferber, writes his book based on 85% of Americans. I never had any use of his method either.

You know your baby best. Do what you think is right.

Good luck!!!!!!!!!1

I recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (Paperback)by by Marc Weissbluth
http://www.amazon.com/Healthy-Sleep-Habits-Happy-Child/dp...

It is not a "cry it out" book although some may think it is. We found it very helpful and it can be helpful to parents of all kinds of babies and kids, from easier sleepers to more difficult types. It gives good advice and does advocate for correcting any sleep problems early. Many children need to go to bed earlier than you think, and paradoxically, going to bed earlier makes for later waking. It also highlights that you have to put them down when they are tired and teaches you to watch for the signs of sleepiness. I thought it was excellent and it helped a lot.

Well if you're the world's worst mother, then I'm runner up. No--I'm kidding. You're doing fantastic. We came to the same situation with our son, who is 12 mos. Only we started a little bit of crying earlier--about 10 mos because he just started resisting falling asleep and when he did (after being nursed) he would wake up every 1/2 hour until I came to bed (we co-sleep, though are transitioning him to his own bed).

On average, the longest crying jag we get is about 25 minutes too. It doesn't happen often, and the more consistent I am with letting him cry a little, sometimes it's just for a few minutes and I wouldn't even characterize it as "crying." But I have been there with full out crying for 25 minutes, thinking that I should either be arrested or taken to the looney bin.

Hang in there. You are doing great. You are helping your son to get his rest!

J.

Hi,
I think all kids are different, maybe naps aren't for him and you can put him to bed earlier, I spent a lot of time during my daughter's twos driving her in the car so she would fall asleep. by the time she was 3 she was done with naps. She goes to bed by 6:30 or 7 most nights and is up at 7 am , I don't think you can force a kid to sleep. If you want to do naps have you tried letting him fall asleep drinking a bottle of water. sometimes the sucking calms them.
Good luck
J.

Your post made me laugh with tears because it is so familiar to me. One nap trick we have is to push him in a stroller if it is me. Dad can get him to sleep by sitting outside and giving him a slow foot rub-- we do this when we first notice him getting tired (not at any pre-set time, but it does usually happen to be loosely around 10am and 3pm). Outside is the trick though. He is a year old. My mom said that I gave up naps entirely very early, before a year. I would agree that the CIO method is not working for you. It didn't work for us, either. Maybe the No Cry Sleep Solution book will help you.

So many responses.... Awesome! You're very correct in your son needing a nap during the day with 10-11 hours of sleep at night. I HIGHLY recommend Elizabeth Pantley's No-Cry Sleep Solution, as did 4 others! It worked for us WITHOUT crying it out, and I LOVE how it has an actual sleep chart for different ages. So much in the book made sense that I didn't feel like I needed to read another book!

I also want to say something about "fussing." In your request, you said that your son "fusses," and that's perfectly normal. There's a HUGE difference between fussing and screaming, and there's nothing wrong with leaving your son to "fuss himself to sleep". However, A LOT depends on the parents and how much they can "handle." Some parents have no problems with their child crying, while I can't stand to hear what I call his pitiful "someone save me" cry. Every parent has their limits, and it sounds like you know yours! Trust your instincts and know that while it seems like it now, it really won't last forever!

I would cut out the morning nap... He is probably growing out of two naps per day. If you have him wait until 1-1:30pm, he will probably go to sleep with no problem. Then, you will get a solid two hour nap in the afternoon. Both of my boys grew out of two naps per day around this age. Just enjoy the morning with your son (plan some fun activities that allow him to expel his energy) and the stress of the morning nap will go away. You may enjoy going out more and not being stuck at home during nap time. Good luck!

I am with you on pinching Dr. Ferber and may go even further than that :) Apparently, his research was limited and most certainly did not include our kids so how could he and other such proponents decide for our sensitive, spirited, and perceptive child's needs. When we cry for long, our bodies get tired and our emotions are released, and we eventually fall asleep. There is no rocket science about that. What is important is the ultimate goal. Is the goal to sleep train or have a happy and secure child who knows you are always there for him/her with unconditional love no matter what. I have seen lots of ferberized kids who seem so lonely and sad and always making attempts to get parents attention but hey they fall asleep by themselves on the strict regimen set out for them! Great achievement depends if your goal was just to sleep train and not care about the side effects and other consequences. But wait, text books have created solutions for other genuine human needs our kids display, excuse me, experts call it bad behavior such as negative attention seekers, terrible twos, and so on. I have always wondered why some kids are bed wetters and have nightmares which experts dismiss it as normal night terrors.

I could go on but the bottom line is to follow you own child's lead and you already know that. There is no book written about your child. You are going to write it with your child. Not all kids need the same amount of sleep and attention. Some do fine with little and some need a lot more assurance and closeness. We are not clones, we are individuals with different needs. My son (now 5)has never been a good sleeper but he is happy, secure, cheerful, and healthy. He took one nap after age 1 and stopped napping around age two. He sleeps only 8-9 hrs at night. And, I (or daddy) always lie down with him to read stories and sing until he falls asleep (I have his bed in my room). I don't need much sleep myself and am fine with 5-6 hrs of sleep. Hope it helps and hope I have not offended Ferber fans. -Rachna

Hi C.,

My little one did the same thing - the only thing that worked for me to get her to nap was to take her for a car ride. Every day at the same time we would go out for a drive. Sometimes she fell asleep within ten minutes, others, up to 20 minutes. As soon as she was asleep we would go home and I would have an hour and a half to myself. I would bring her car seat in the house and let her sleep in that. Another friend said she had to lay down with her child to get her to sleep - my problem with that was that I would fall asleep too! When my daughter got a little older I would put her in a play pen and let her watch Barney. As much as I didn't like using the TV for a babysitter - there were days I really needed a shower! Good luck to you.
J.

Hi C.,

I don't like the CIO method either. My daughter who is now 5 fought naps too and still fights sleeping even when she needs it. She was not child who would let you rock her to sleep or anything similar. For what seemed like a long while we swung her in her car seat, which was absolutely ridiculous and back breaking, but we felt desperate and it worked...

We finally figured out that she was just a kid who needed to cry and get mad about having to take a nap before she'd go to sleep! It sounds crazy and we did nothing progressive with this. One day we put her in her bed and she cried for 10 minutes on the nose and went to sleep. EVery day after that we'd put her down for nap and she cried between 5 and 10 minutes but never a minute more... unless she pooped and then she'd go right down after being changed. We did put her down at the same time every day and we followed the same routine.

At 14 months, your little guy may be ready to give up those a.m. naps. With our son, we had to really be careful about the a.m. or it would throw off his afternoon one...On some days he'd be so tire though that he'd just fall asleep 10:30 or 11:00am but then wouldn't want to go down in the afternoon until 2 or 2:30. If we let him sleep for about 10-20 minutes he seemed to get refreshed and still be tired enough by about 1:15 for a long afternoon nap.

So I guess I don't have much advice unfortunately, except to say that all kids are different and no one thing works for all kids. And that you aren't alone with your feelings about CIO. It never felt good to me. Some people swear by it, but it was never for me. And indecently, we never used it with our son and he sleeps beautifully.

It's so hard to hear little ones cry, but they do need their sleep. I don't think the answer is to skip naps because he fights them. It sounds like you pay close attention to his needs and his schedule. Have you tried not going in for the first 10 minutes? Maybe going in too soon prolongs it to the 25 minutes because he gets mad that you aren't picking him up?

I hope something I said helps... Good luck
J.

I'm not against crying it out or a version of it, We used to help our son sleep in his crib on his own at night, which works great now, but naps I used to struggle with too. I lay down with my son and read 3 books to him in our bed and cuddle with him and use my thigh to hold him down so he as no option but to sleep, so this used to cause him to scream and get really upset, but after 2 weeks of this method, all I have to do is hold him with my leg, and spoon him and he goes right to sleep, no struggle or crying. He even crawls into our bed knowing it is nap time. Maybe this will work for you
Naps are important so keep trying

Hi C.,
Wow, you've gotten a ton of response! We all feel your pain and frustration. I won't go into details, but my daughter is not a terrific napper either, to say the least. I have 2 tips for you:
1. Try playing the CD "Guitar Lullaby" by Richard Cabo. It's lovely, you won't get tired of it and it currently puts my daughter, 30 months old, to sleep 4/5 times (a minor miracle).
2. I disagree with the Mom who recommended Melatonin. It's not harmless. It may put them to sleep and it has no obvious side effects, but it is a hormone and one a healthy person produces naturally. If an adult takes melatonin on an ongoing basis there is some chance you will become dependent on it as your body will stop making its own melatonin.
Regardless of the facts or studies, I would never knowingly give my healthy child a hormone.

Best of luck and hang in there. You're in good company!!
A.

I know you have already received tons of responses to your request but I needed to put in my two cents!! I do NOT believe in the "cry it out" method. I think it's cruel. They are just babies!!! Neither myself or my husband believed in it. I would just cradle and rock our babies to at least let them rest and, if they fell asleep while I did it, I sometimes did, too.
Babies are just so sweet and innocent; don't let him cry intentionally.
Good luck to you!

Wow--I skimmed some responses, and people sure are passionate to 'sell' their opinion to others to (in my opinion) make themselves feel better about the choices they have made. I'm no different. Let me start by saying I majored in Psychology and have let the true understanding of children guide me in my parenting. I personally think the Ferber method is cruel and very selfish on the parents part (they are getting more sleep faster at a high cost to their child). Think about it...how sensitive is it to ignore your child's only way of communication? We're expecting far too much too soon from them...they are BABIES.

I read in some of the responses words like, "humane", "compassionate", and "fastest least painful". To whom??? Are you kidding me? Listen to your Mommy-heart and go to your baby. All you're doing right now is teaching you child to be very persistent in his crying.

I too have gotten very frustrated with both of my children in the sleep dept. and read (and recently re-read for baby #2 as my memory isn't so hot post-kids) the gentle and truly compassionate book, "The No Cry Sleep Solution" by Elizabeth Pantley. It's a super fast read and has worked wonders for our children (3 year/ 4 mo. old girl and 13 mo. old boy). And it's a tender, loving approach--I promise you won't want to deck her...you'll want to hug her!

Good for you for listening to you gut, and good luck with your son!
R.

my experience is that the longer I waited to do this with my kids, the longer it took for them to get in the groove. I think that letting him cry it out is fine, it is not going to hurt him. You are the parent and you need to start now by deciding what is best for him. From what you have said in your question, it is best for him to take a nap, so you as the parent need to make sure that he gets it. He doesn't know what is best for him! I hope that eases your guilt a little bit!