Coping Skills

HI,
when my twin boys were 2 or so they would throw fits & tantrums, either on the floor, or bang their heads on the wall. My doctor said to completely ignore them, and it did stop. They are looking for attention, and just learning their own emotions.
K

Meltdowns come with the age - "effect and drama"??? My husband and I used to have a saying" And..... theeeeee Academy Award goes toooooo....." . This will pass but you ask a great question about coping skills. At that age, I used to have a bed time routine that involved a lot of role playing with their stuffed animals. I would put the stuffed animals in situations that were exaggerated, each having a different personality and voice ...sometimes they would get bullied...eat too much ice cream when we weren't home....were shy....angry....very friendly but hugged a little too strong (big pink elephant!) and we made fun little scenarios. I would ask my kids to help "them out of the situation"...and they learned to creatively problem solve. My kids loved it. (Rather embarrassing but .... my kids loved it so much I did it for sleepovers!) I really think it helped them be more compassionate, kind, and confident. And it was our time together - good times! And some of the "skits were timely and incorporated things that the kids were going through (without being too obvious!) Good luck!

I have a 10,7 and 4 yo. As you will notice, most of my advice starts with the obvious - make sure the child is rested and by all means get the child preschool screened to rule out need for,say, Occupational Therapy help (e.g., self-soothing strategies).

Beyond that what's specific to a 2 y.o. is inability to talk well. Secondly, at that age, they certainly can't use "I feel" statements we use in conflict management as adults. So what's left? No tools, no abilities, so total frustration.

You're a teacher so you've probably read a lot about validation. I've read that for 2-5 y.o. you have to say things like "Gee, I can see you're really sad/mad/upset with Joey. [that's validation] What could we do instead of hit/scream/bite to tell him that?" Then with a 2 y.o. you might have to fill in the blank yourself and say "We could say, 'it was actually my turn to ...'"

BTW - the next thing he'll have to learn is how patiently to be "next" for a turn. (All in due time...)

I don't think it's a confidence problem (aren't kids still quite self-absorbed at 2?)-- he just doesn't know what to do when things don't go as planned. He doesn't "have the words" for the situation.

If you walk him through this (like above) for a few weeks, he'll get the thought process/pattern and it will begin to become second nature. Also, put him in preschool so he gets more practice (with preschool teachers facilitating the process and observing his progress). Good luck!

Dear B.,

I have a 14 year old boy, 11 year old girl and 5 year old boy. Lord knows I am no expert but I will pass along a few thoughts for you and your son. First, they go thru phases where they can be fragile so don't over react. Second, what you are trying to teach him is a really important thing and fundamental to any successful person so it makes sense that it is not something that can be taught once or overnight. Its going to take time and repeated efforts to show him positive ways to deal with things and people that don't do what he wants. Without totally taking over a situation, in the past I have gently demonstrated to the kids what to do. For example, with cutting in line, go stand in line with him and say something to the kid who cuts in. Same thing in playgroup: model different ways to handle situations, exact words he can say, different things to play with if a certain situation isn't going well.

Over time the key to confidence, I think, is to find activities, be they sports, computers, dance,art, whatever, in which your child excells. Praise them and support these activities.

Of course, most of all, just love and support your child. Be aware that our society has very high standards for emotional control, especially for boys. Let your boy cry and have feelings now. Later, give him a safe place to talk about what he really feels with fearing judgment.

Good luck!!

M. G

Sounds partially like part of the "terriable 2s" and partially of being 1st born...we ALL tend to want to "save" them from all their hurts, psysical or mental. Don't save him all the time. He has to learn to cope to become a strong and confident young man. When someone cuts in line and your son says something to you just tell him that some children aren't taught to wait their turn...nothing for your son to fret about. Good luck

Hi B.,
First, children do go through phases as has been mentioned before. During those times some of my children (we have six) have needed to remove themselves, or be removed, or just plain avoid in the first place situtations that trigger stresses.
Second, we (my husband and I) are big on teaching them to blow things off. "To not sweat the small stuff." We do realize that the small stuff can be really big to little ones. But we try to help them to surf over some of the 'waves' that come their way. Life is so much more fun when we can learn that as a coping skill. My 5 year old has come home and told me that a particular friend has announced she is no longer her friend and won't play with her. I just tell her that if her friend does that to tell her, "That's too bad." And then go play with other children. She has done so and it works great for her. Her friend always ends up coming back to play with her too. We try to teach our children that they need to be kind but they do not need to be around anyone who is unkind to them. Just like some adults, children use manipulitive speech and actions to get their way. Our hope is that if our children learn independent skills at this age then hopefully they won't be so easily swayed by peer pressure in their teens.
Third, 2 and 1/2 is pretty young. I have seen shy awkward preschoolers turn out to be confident young adults. One good factor in that is parental example. How children's parents cope in stressful and uncomforable situations. How they hear their parents dealing even after the fact.
Finally, what we want for our children is to remember the good. For example, to remember the 5 times(or whatever) they went into the bounce house and how much fun that day was, not the one time a girl cut in line.

Scene one. Wow, that day at the bounce house was so fun! I love jumping in bounce houses! When can we do that again?!

Scene two. I don't like bounce houses because a girl went in front of me in line. Bounce houses are not fun!

Those are really cut and dry examples but illustrate my point. A great thing is that your little one has a sibling. Not only do they learn coping skills just being siblings, they will also be there for each other in social situations. My oldest just turned 13. I could almost swear he was a 2 and 1/2 year old last week with a 1 year old brother. They are great friends.
Good luck
M.

In answer to your questions: Yes and yes and no. At that age, kids are bound to do those things. That is when you tell them and tell them and tell them how to react in those situations. A meltdown as you call it comes with a two year olds territory. He is just getting to know the rules of the road so to speak. He sees that and he knows that it shouldn't go that way and it is not fair. I don't think at that age it is "bullying". Books are good but in my experience, the experience itself is the best teacher!

Sounds like me! And I'm a lot older than he is. But anyway, perhaps you can celebrate his little bit of assertiveness. If he is feeling down and lets you know he wants to go home he is handling it in his way.Being real. And I applause the little guy for letting you know he wants to go home or whatever. I have seen a lot of kids who feign confidence and the other children don't like them and the adults are bamboozled by them. Since he is only 2 he has a ways to go until you can pinpoint a major problem. And it sounds like he might get like that when he's tired. That's how my second son was and then later we'd go "Oh, AH HA that was it." Just enjoy him. If he's hitting or kicking or biting you when you are disciplining him then you can rethink this.

That's tough Renee had never had this issue but when she went through her meltdown periods we use tough love and tell her to dry it up. When she realized that her fits are not getting a response she goes back to playing as if nothing happened. Eventually they pretty much stopped and if she looks if she's gonna have a fit we point to her room or have her go sit down until she is calm. It sounds harsh but it works. She 3 1/2 and she now knows the drill. Dry it up or go in the other room.

I'm not sure what the experts say, but I feel like resilient children are the ones who were given lots of support early on and allowed to be themselves, even if that was fearful or timid some days.

But what you describe sounds totally normal to me - don't all toddlers have those crazy emotional meltdowns? Make sure he gets enough sleep, and doesn't get thirsty or hungry when on summer outings, etc.

When kids act out in any way they are saying: "I can't handle this and I don't know what to do". Try smaller doses of interaction. If he says: "I want to go home", go home. He's had enough for one day. A 2 year old is just learning to cope. After raising two generations of kids, I learned to back off and respect their limits. Build his confidence by approving of what he does. If he feels bullied, accept that and say: "I understand how you felt in that situation", and redirect him into something else. A two year old has many fears and they need to know that M. and dad approve of them. As parents, we want to do the best but sometimes we forget that our kids are individuals and have their own set of limitations.

The greatest confidence builder is for M. not to do more for him than he needs. Don't jump to give him a toy or put on his coat when he whines a little. He wants to be able to do things himself and the only way he'll learn is by practice, practice, practice. Secondly, he's developing his sense of self and he has to let go of that infant center-of-the-world idea. Sometimes I say no to kids just to give them practice on learning not to get what they want. First make sure what he wants is what you think he wants, he may be upset about an earache or something llike that. Then determine calmly and cooly if he needs it or just wants it. How has he been taking it lately when he doesn't get what he wants? If you're at home and up to a melt down, let it rip and then tell him he has to use words, or he can cry for a long long time and he still won't get it, etc. If he's frustrated because something didn't go as he wanted, tell him, Bobby, you feel frustrated. You wanted the block to fit, didn't you? Try again. Try to find another block that will fit. Crying and screaming isn't going to work. But try to remember not to do it for him, but let him learn to be a problem solver and to recognize his feelings and to act like big boys act. Is he around a child who acts like this? Ask his caregiver and talk to him about not doing what Billy does, we don't do that in our house, etc. The best approach: keep your uptimate goal in sight, raising an independent individual. Assume that your child's nature containe the drive to do that. Understand that many of his emotions and animal urges work against this (as do yours). Act to assist him in this process.

I think as your child gets older you will understand his nature better, not all children are the same. But he is way too young in my opinion to tell him to "tough it out". Yuck. That's how kids grow up to be emotionally repressed and have a hard time finding out who they really are. My child, for instance, when he was 2 hated!!! (sometimes) our wiggleworms class (I think it was just too loud) and would melt down and want to leave. 6 months later he loved it and was like the most social well adjusted kid in his preschool. So, so what? It was his age and development, etc. Not to worry. But the best creator of self esteem is to "get" and acknowledge who your child really is. Not try to turn him into whatever he isn't. Maybe he is sensitive or shy. That is ok. That doesn't mean he can't be ok with that. But if you send him the message that it isn't ok he will feel bad about himself.

One of the options for teaching your child coping skills is to practice them when your child is not stressed out. Practice simple things like squeezing a ball, or counting to 10, taking deep breaths. And then when he gets the hang of those skills start to make a game out of practicing that he is not getting his way. Like playing a board game and you get a good card or something have him tell you how he is feeling, you can use feeling cards like a sad face an angry face so that he can point to them; and then say okay lets practice what we do when we get upset, then take deep breaths, squeeze a ball do 5 jumping jacks, etc.