So I know kids go through stages and changes, I have experience with two little ones. However, with my 3y 3m old daughter, the changes are extreme. So any experience, help, ideas would be greatly welcomed.
First thing, about 3 weeks ago she started getting up at 4:30 am and demanding food, crawling all over dad and pulling the blankets off of us. It is getting ridiculous now, because none of us are getting any sleep. She is also not going to bed anymore. she used to go right down at 6:30 pm with no problem. Now she will get out of bed and say she wants daddy to put her to bed. I relented and let dad do it, and she goes down now, but with a fight. FYI, no matter what time I put her down, she is always up at 4:30am, so the early bedtime does not affect when she gets up.
Second, she cries all the time. Follows me, crying mama, she throws fits, she does the exact opposite of what we ask. She is hitting her sister, me and dad. She is scratching, pulling the cats tail, just anything you can imagine.
Prior to 4 weeks ago, she slept like a dream, did not hit, was generally a happy girl. Now, she just seems miserable.
The one thing that has changed, my dad was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer 3 weeks ago, so I have been on the phone a little more than usual and sad. The behavior started about 1 week before that, so it was not caused by that, but I am sure it has some affect on her.
Thanks so much for your help.
Thanks for everyone who took the time to respond and share their experience strength and hope. So the changes I made are to key back into her when she is needy and following me. I figured out that the hitting, although not all the time, but at least 50% of the time, was to get my attention. So I am stopping and forcing my attention back to her, even when I am feeling my grief. The nighttime sleep thing is a little better because I am not allowing any nap, even 15 minutes and pushed bed to 7pm and considering 7:30pm eventually. She is still up early around 6am, but it is more manageable than 4:30am. She was crying so much, I think as was pointed out because she was tired. Now that she is sleeping a little she is not quite as whiney.
I am still dealing with the "no I don't want to", but I am not giving in, I am just telling her that is how it is sometimes mommy gets her way too.
Thanks again everyone, the support really made a difference.
K.
I know kids go through stages, but sometimes with something so drastic you might want to rule out some sort of allergy, or other thing that might be making her uncomfortable... it seems silly but sometimes we overlook the physical when there's a change in energy. Depending on where you live some people are very weather affected. Just a thought. Although the closer we get to three I do notice a serious testing of limits issue.
K.,
My Dad was diagnosed w/ non-smoker's lung cancer and pancreatic cancer in the past year. I was very depressed when he was diagnosed and like you, have spent much more time on the phone with him. I think that my daughter can definitely sense my mood and it affects her behavior too. They don't know what's going on but they know it's something big and out of control so I think they act out to try to get your focus and attention because they're worried about you.
I also took a class about disciplining your preschooler and they talked about how the brain goes through major development in the 3rd year, particularly in the area of emotions. Kids can't control or express their emotions yet so they have big blowouts where they just let go. Anyway, I'm not explaining it very well but you might want to do some research on that issue.
Best wishes to you and your family.
C.
Hi K.,
Sorry to hear you are going through this! I definitely thought that three was tougher than the "terrible twos," but this does sound like it's more than that. Have you taken her to the pediatrician to make sure there isn't any underlying medical condition that she is not able to communicate to you. If she is uncomfortable, she might have difficulty sleeping and would be cranky. Does she already have her second year molars? If not, is it possible they are coming in? I would definitely call the pediatrician.
K.
Hello K., As the mother of 5 and the grandmother to several grandchildren, that went through through cancer and then the death of the father and Papa, they loved--- Don't kid yourself that this isn't effecting your children. Each in thier own way. To do so is just plain silly as my son says.
When you want out of a uncomfortable situation- haven't you ever laughed- even wen laughter is not right for the moment?, little girls I have learned are all drama queens and some of my daughters, and esp one granddaughter could out do Elizabeth Taylor, for the Emmy's!! I have one grandchild that won't go to sleep unless "Daddy" holds her hand, and another that wants "Daddy" to hold her and just go out and see the moon with her everynight. None of this is unusual. They are just in love and know that Dad's a softer touch than Mom, who has had it after an 18 hour shift of parenting...
One thing that needs to stop is the crule manner of treating others in the family and to the pets! If time out doesn't work, then at some point the big sisterwill hit back and you will have to know that she was defending her right to safety.( with my 5, I thought the boys would really go at it and never get over it in life because it was always about one up manship- but as adults they are the best of friends and even take vacations together)( the girls, were so different- like night and day so that was drama all by itself).
All this may come from just wanting to be the star of the show --- but for my children it was all about the power they thought they had and wanted to see how far the family boundries would stretch. I am a firm parent in that I believe in building a foundation for them to live upon for the rest of thier lives. I had to set boundries that they knew were cast in concret, and yet be flexable if I needed to be. Try putting on music for your little one that she can sing herself to sleep by. There are great children's songs, childrens hymns, soothing sound/ relaxzation tapes etc you can buy, for my youngest son at age 3 becasue he was 13 years differance from his brother and that brother was into Phantom of the Opera, and Opera in general, we had CD's that were played until he fell asleep -- infact they actually played all night so if he woke up he thought he hadn't fallen to sleep and relaxed and fell right back to relaxing.
I am sorry about your father. I hope that you are blessed with doctors that will help him and he will be with you for many years. I know that for us becasue D., had never smoked that added years and quality to his life when it hit his lungs. I will add your family to our prayers and church prayer rolls. Nana G
She might have YEAST OVERGROWTH CANDIDA... THIS ARE CLEAR SINGS!!! You may want to take her to Dr. Mielke in PLEASANTON CA www.developmentalspectrums.com she treats all types of kids from AUTISM to ADD and great at healing GUT RELATED ISSUES!!!
Also make sure her room is TOTALLY DARK at night... she might be sensitive like my boys... A little light from outside the window and they wake up!!!
Hi K.,
My son went through a big change shortly after he turned three. Not at extreme as it sounds like your daughter is going through, but he drove me INSANE and I spoke to multiple parents who said their children did the same - terrible twos, not so much. It was the terrible threes. My son went from being very reasonable and a good listener to ignoring everything I said until I was almost in tears from frustration on a daily basis. But he leveled out again and is back to normal. I think he hit a stage where he wanted to test his boundaries and show his independence. Now he shows it by being a "big boy" and we tell him how proud we are of him by doing big boy things on his own and behaving like a big boy. Your daughter may be going through something similar but it's probably worse because of your father's illness. She has to know other things are going on, she's acting out because of it and it's harder for you to deal with because you have enough to deal with right now. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, but if it is partially driven by her reaching the independent stage as my son did, you might try stressing the "big girl" angle and try to push her into constructive "big girl" activities and tell her what actions make you proud. It might help. But I agree with the other moms that she might need some other help in dealing with grief, etc. I wish you luck with everything.
Children are very attuned to our moods. I would bet she knows that something is wrong but unlike adults can't ask what it is and can only act out her frustration. Also understand that kids do adapt and change. Be willing to take some quiet time and just love on her. She will grow out of this, give her time. Be firm, put her back in bed and love on her. Yes, the sleepless nights are hard on everyone. I suggest that you work something out with your husband. Since you are a sahm be willing to take care of her on week days and have him take care of her on weekends. Let him sleep in when he can and you take naps when you can.
I am very sorry about your father's cancer.
Our daughter is also a morning person, so I can relate. We just went through a stretch where she was waking multiple times a night, too. Someone recommended bribing her with stickers and it worked! I said if she slept until mommy was awake and didn't come in my room, she could pick out two stickers in the morning. She was excited! I still didn't expect it to work, but it did. We've had a couple weeks of success with the bribery, although last night wasn't so great (time change offered no help in our house).
I would start with a visit to her pediatrician for a check up. Report everything you said here. If s/he can't find anything physically amiss, consult a child psychologist/psychiatrist.
Such an abrupt behavioral change is unusual,and there is usually something causing it, either physical or psychological.
A little about me: Child psychiatrist in Palo Alto. Married 21 years to a good Dad to our two kids, 19yo boy and a 12yo girl.
K.,
I am so very sorry! I wish you hope, strength and faith that hopefully things will go as well as they can and for your father to go in as little pain as possible and to be with family and friends for as long as possible. I think of all things that cancer is the most evil...it doesn't matter if you're rich or poor, it all the same. I hope that if there is any hope of him getting better or for remission that it happens to your father. I'll pray for you! You will need it to be strong for yourself and your family.
Children are amazing. It really sounds like the terrible 2 hit a little later than most kids and that she is definetly sensing all the sadness, pain and frusteration and doesn't know herself how to say and show how she feels. She's afraid I'm sure not knowing what is going on. Just understand that even what you're at your most stressfull point she will try to push you over the edge. It will get better but it may take time. I'm sure she's still a good girl but she still doesn't know how to show how she feels.
I wish you strength to get past it.
Sincerly,
M. S.
Since it is at the same time every morning, I wonder if there is a noise at that time that is waking her up? Maybe an animal outside? You can try using a sound machine/white noise.
Some of the behavior is related to her sleep deprivation, I'm sure. Maybe more naps? Maybe get her really worn out before bed?
If you think she is really feeling anxious and needing extra attention, maybe you can set up a little space on the floor in your room so you can be near you at night. I hate to get a kid in the habit of not being in her own room, but with all that is going in in your household, I think rest is the most important thing right now, and you can worry about the transition back to room when life has settled down some...
Sounds like your daughter may be going through Terrible Threes instead of Twos!!
I think a sound machine/fan may help in her room. Also, I think you could move her bedtime from 630 to 800. It may not affect her waking time now but I would think it would in the future.
I allow our daughter into our room sometimes...if it will help her to sleep more, why not? I know some people are against this.
Has Dad been gone more? Working more?
Do you think she's maybe overheard/understood your sadness/anxiety about your father (if she's heard you on the phone) and then relates it to her 'dad'? Maybe she thinks her dad is sick too?
Good luck...this, too, shall pass!
