College Friend Invited Me to Her Wedding

You do not bring that up! No no no.
You say "I'm sorry, I cannot attend, but I wish you all the best. Congratulations!"

If you don't want to go, then just say "Sorry but I can't make it." and leave it at that.
You don't have to say anything else.
People grow apart.
Just let it go.

She is reaching out so you must mean something to her as a friend. If you can go - go. If not send a card with a gift card to one of the stores on her registry or a store she likes to shop in and let it go.

oh geez. of course you don't bring up her no-show at your wedding. it's less about being catty than ridiculously middle-school.
i myself am thrilled to keep old friends lightly in my life. i couldn't possibly be close and in constant contact with all the awesome people i've met and who have impacted my life in a positive way or i'd never have time to read a book or take a walk. the twice-in-13-years-for-a-drink scenario fits a lot of lovely, lovely people i've known.
and i would feel zero pressure to attend a wedding for someone that far out on the periphery of my life. there's an undercurrent of resentment here that doesn't seem necessary, at least for the pleasant relationship you describe.
you politely decline the invitation by....er.......politely declining it.
'well, aren't you a love to check with me on the shower date? i'm just so tickled for you i could pop. you plan it whenever works best for you, sweetie. it's a long shot that i'll be able to make it- distance, work and family, you know how it goes. but if the stars line up and the crick don't rise i'll see what i can work out when it gets closer. thanks so much for thinking of me!'
right?
khairete
S.

I would suggest that if you get another call, you simply say that you love seeing her for a drink to catch up and would love to do that again, when you're in the city. But that you wouldn't be able to fit a shower into your schedule, and thanks so much for thinking of you. If you get an invitation in the mail or elite, be sure to reply with your regrets, and send a card, warm wishes, and a small gift that recalls whatever interests you share.

And of course, you're correct that you should never, ever, mention her not coming to your wedding. You can never go wrong by being classy.

I'd be willing to bet that 13 years ago she had no idea that not going to your wedding would bother you. I'd also be willing to bet that now that she's the bride, she knows.

If you really can't make it or don't want to, just let her know that as much as you'd like to attend her shower, it just isn't going to work out. But if the only thing holding you back is the fact that she didn't come to your wedding, maybe you could consider the possibility that if she had it to do over again, she would have been at your wedding.

You are being catty, if you want to turn this invitation into tit for tat.
She invited you. She's being nice. Either be nice and go or RSVP no.

"not a big deal" and "bring up the fact that she didn't come to my wedding" make me think that it WAS a big deal and it did hurt your feelings.
Is that the only reason you don't want to go? Just cuz she didn't come to yours 13 years ago? She's a different person now! She may know it was hurtful and is extending an olive branch.
Whatever happened to just being honest with people? It's so much better then making stuff up.
L.

Kind of sad, she must not have many friends, OR even though you don't see her that often, she still considers you a good friend.
And I don't see what her not coming to your wedding (13 years ago!) has to do with anything. There could be a thousand reasons why she didn't come, it's never a good idea to keep score with friends, especially since this is just a shower invitation, it's not like she's asking you to spend money and time being a bridesmaid.
If you don't want to go just say I'm sorry I can't make it and send her a card.

Well you don't bring up that she didn't come to your wedding. That's just weird.

Either you're interested in going to shower and reception or you're not. If you're not at all - then you politely decline. You don't tell people why you don't want to go.

I personally would not let the fact that she didn't come to yours get in the way of going, if you want to go. If you still like her and think you'd have fun, even though you don't see her often because not in same city - then go.

Don't over-analyze it. It's simply an invitation.

She knows she didn't go to your wedding. There is no reason to remind her.

If she calls again you could tell her you have to check your schedule or you could be honest and say 4 hours of driving to attend a shower is just too much for you.

It sounds like she really wants you there however. Are you really that bitter about her not attending your wedding that you feel like you should pay her back? Since you occasionally get together for drinks I would think you do like her enough and would want to support her.

Just politely decline. There is absolutely no reason to bring up the fact that she didn't go to your wedding.

Don't be catty. Really, don't be. She's very well remembers that she didn't come to yours. Now she's on the receiving end and is the one on the tenderhooks. You hold all the power here. You don't need to remind her.

You did absolutely the right thing by telling her that you couldn't commit that early. Now, just wait. When you get the invitation, just send back "regrets" with no explanation. If she calls, just tell her that you can't make it and hope she has a nice time at her shower. And leave it at that.

No need to bring up she did not come to yours, that most certainly would be catty. All you need to do it RSVP that you can not make it and leave it at that. No need to explain yourself.

You do not need an excuse to decline an invitation. Simply send your apologies and congratulate her on her big day. You can send a gift if you want, but are not obligated to do so (I probably would, but when I got married, I did not expect gifts from people who didn't attend).

I would not bring up the fact that she skipped your wedding. What happened 13 years ago has nothing to do with what happens now. But, like I said, you don't need to give her a reason anyway.

R. K. said it perfectly! i second what they said and decline politely and move on

When you receive the invite, politely RSVP that you are unable to attend. It really doesn't need to be more than that.

Yeah...there is a certain level of cattiness here... However, it's just human and ok to recognize that your feelings were hurt because she did not attend your wedding 13 years ago. I had someone that did that to me and I got a phone message on my home line during my rehearsal dinner that she wasn't coming. I could have forgiven that, but she never called to check in with me after the wedding and honeymoon. I saw her a few years later at another wedding and she promised to stay in touch...and never did. Remember the old saying about never making someone a priority when they only make you an option? I think that applies here.

It sounds like you really aren't that close at this point. Do you talk frequently? If not, I wouldn't sweat it and would gracefully decline. Alternatively, if there will be other people that you know and like there, it might be a fun time. If you never see her, it sounds like the shower is more like a gift grab to me. I wouldn't feel guilty about not going if you really feel this way. If you want, just send a card and a small gift and call it good.

Showers, weddings, funerals, parties to celebrate birthdays or anniversaries, religious events such as confirmations or bar mitzvahs...

They all are intended to honor a person or couple. They all have that in common.

We often get invited to many of them. Some involve a great deal of travel and expense on our part, should we decide to attend. Some are easy and a joy to attend. Some will bring sorrowful or painful memories. Some are for people we rarely see or barely remember, and some are for the dearest people in our lives.

Do you want to celebrate with your the bride? Your decision should be solely based on whether you wish to attend, not about who did or did not attend celebrations in the past, not about how long its been, not about distance. To keep score about when she's called or why, or whether she attended your wedding, really speaks volumes about the state of your friendship now. You know how far away she lives, you know how few times in nearly a decade and a half how many times you've seen her and why, and you vividly recall that she didn't attend your wedding. It seems that this is one of two things: a former, faded friendship that you are willing to let lapse, or a friendship that you recall with fondness but that you've allowed resentment and an unforgiving spirit or "keeping score" to taint.

How do you politely decline an invitation that you sincerely feel you must decline? You say: "I'm sorry I won't be able to attend". Or "I regret that I must decline your invitation." And if you care about her, you send a gift, or if you simply wish to remain polite, you send a card of congratulations with your RSVP. And if you want to recall the days when your friendship was strong, even though time has passed, then put aside any hurts or resentments and attend her shower with nothing but joy for her and for the fact that you once had a very close friendship. Its your call.

Just wait for the invitation...if you can't go or still don't want to go, just send a modest gift and your regrets.
You don't have to give more than that.

Respectfully just decline. Send a gift through mail but no need to go give reasons. You can simply say you are sorry to miss it.

You told her it was too early to make a commitment = You're still holding a grudge but sounds like you are waiting for something better to come along

I would think that her not coming to your wedding would have anything to do with you attending or not attending her wedding. That seems....petty.

If you just don't want to go then say no thank you and probably burn the bridge, but like you say, you're not close anymore so it won't matter.

I would just say "I'm busy". I've some similar relationship and I would not consider it friendship, still a good relationship but not friendship, so it could be not appropriate going to her wedding.

Holding grudges is a human quality. Some of us are catty and while others may not have that issue, they do have other issues--they are not angels and none of us are perfect.

It is big that you acknowledge your truth. ETA: She may not even recall whether or not she came to your wedding. I am not in the camp that adamantly believes that she recalls. If she did recall, it would be big of her to comment and apologize to you now.

I disagree with others who say that you must mean something to her.... She may just want a large turnout or wedding gifts.

If you are still hurt by her missing your nuptials then do not go to her's. We tend to hold on to hurt when that hurt is never acknowledged by the grieving party.

When she asks you about missing the ceremony/shower--tell her your truth. You rarely see her so it will be no big loss if she never talks to you again but you will be able to finally drop that weight that you have carried for 13 years.