I coach a competitive cheerleading squad and my daughter is on the team. My daughter is 9, and the girls are all 9 and 10-year olds.
At the competition this weekend some of the teams made good luck cheers, which they chanted before each team went out to perform.
After hearing the same cheer over and over my daughter made up a mean version and shared it with the other girls on our team. It went "Y-O-U S-U-C-K, you suck, you suck, I want to punch you in the face!" She didn't yell it, she just said it quietly to a friend on the team. But I heard.
I was HORRIFIED at her lack of sportsmanship! Luckily the other girls on our team just looked at her in horror and I gave her a small lecture on sportsmanship. Our team was yet to perform and I didn't want to upset her too much because that would affect the whole team.
I'm still steamed about the whole thing, but I'm not sure if it's because she's my daughter that I'm so mad. Would I be this mad if it were another member? I've been so mad, that I wanted to pull her from the team for a competition, but I can't because we have exactly the number we need to compete.
What I wanted to do is "ground her" from stunting, which means I'd re-arrange things so she's not up in the stunts but rather in the back. This would pull her from the spotlight and allow other members to go up and shine. I'd do this for our next competition.
I can't tell if this is fair, or if I'm just so mad because she's my daughter. I think if it was another member I would have surely told their parents, but I don't know if I would be this harsh. It's never happened before!
Help!
Thanks moms, I've cooled a little bit over it! You're right, we do sometimes hold our own children to higher standards. And I do want to be fair.
The fact that the other kids were horrified rather than participating in it was probably the best lesson. She did it for attention and a laugh and she didn't get it! I think if it were another kid I'd probably have a talk with their parent and let them handle it. I would let them know if it happens again then they will be removed from the team or "grounded."
I like the idea of making her show extra good sportsmanship at the next competition. I think I will make her make good luck signs for all the teams and walk over and hand them to the other teams. Perhaps it can not only be a teaching moment, but a chance for her to see that good sportsmanship is rewarded.
I'm not going to pull her from all the stunts because I think that sends the message that flying up in the stunt is the only good part and I don't want anyone to think that their role is better or worse than another. She does have a special "solo" part in the beginning that I am going to take away and give to another member.
Thanks for the advice! This mamapedia thing is so cool!
I would hold my daughter to a higher standard than the others. I think it would send a message to her and her teammates that sportsmanship is important and something to take seriously!
I think you should think about what you would do if it was any other girl, then do just that.
My hubby coaches my son and although he is ridiculously fair, I see so many coaches that hold THEIR child to a higher standard.
So maybe she didn't do it because you're the coach but maybe because you are her coach it really hit you hard. Keep it in perspective and try, try, try to treat her JUST like you would any other child, had they done it.
(SUCK really IS the word of the day at that age! Just sayin'....lol)
interesting issue!
i totally get your horror and motherly desire to impose a pertinent consequence.
but what really pleases is me is the reaction of your daughter's teammates. that alone will likely have a huge positive effect on her.
since her mom is obviously a thoughtful positive person, and her peers seem to have their heads screwed on right, it's very likely that your daughter was just trying on a mean girl costume briefly, and has certainly decided that she doesn't care for the fit. so rather than go overboard, i'd tell her calmly that the consequence for future ugly behavior will be competition grounding, but not to do any more for now but observe and see how this rather cool life lesson affects her.
good for you, coach!
:) khairete
S.
I think it's probably because she's yours. We always hold our kids to far higher expectations than their peers.
Maybe use this as an opportunity to create a set consequence for unsportsmanlike behavior, and talk to the team about it. That gives you the opportunity to act as the team coach without singling out your daughter. It ,would serve as a warning to the team, and address it at that level and call your daughter out all at the same time. To me, that would be enough, I think.
Wow after working years in schools do I ever admire you! You are one of the few parents who is doing the right thing rather than argue that their darling didn't do it or look the other way. Looking the other way does not keep the peace and I know of many parents who are looking sadly at what the future turned out to be for their kids and they wished for so much more but the children were given no boundaries. I don't think you are doing this because you are her mother, it's because you care and you are permitting her to see how much you care. Believe it or not to all the moms out there, our children really do want us to say no-it protects our children. And truthfully when a child has perimeters they feel safer. I fear many a child has harmed themselves in life from way too much freedom. WAY TO GO MOM.
I think your consequence for poor sportsmanship is fine, as long as there's a conversation with your little girl. I also think you have to consider if this is the route you'd take with another member-- moving them out of the spotlight. If so, you can explain to her that while her comment might have been funny, being a leader means making these kinds of choices, to take the higher ground even if it means not receiving attention. Whether you both like it or not, the fact that she's the coach's daughter does put her more in the notice of the other kids, and if you let it go unchecked, this could be a signal to the rest of the group that this is tolerated-- or that she's favored. Either way, having her be in a more supportive position (instead of up front) will send a clear message to everyone that you are expecting their best, which includes good sportsmanship and integrity. That's the same expectation for EVERYONE!
I think you are more mad because it is your daughter. I like what MandA wrote that we do put our kid's at a higher level.
This is only a suggestion, in front of the whole team, maybe during practice, talk about the importance of sportsmanship. Also, say that because your daughter (don't say daughter but use her name) was not showing sportsmanship to the other squads, that you are making her come up with a good sportsmanship cheer for the next meet or competition. Let the squad know you will not tolerate it.
I think you would be upset and apply your suggested consequence regardless of who said it (great idea on the consequence, by the way)- but you are even more upset b/c it's your daughter. You are the coach and the parent, so you're upset on both ends.
Eh, I'm sure she learned more from her teammates telling her that it wasn't nice. I would give her a warning and tell her that if she can't be a good sport then you'll pull her from stunts next time.
Of course you're more upset because you've taught her better than that and it reflects on you. It's hard to remove yourself and think rationally as a coach when it's your own child. It sounds like a fair consequence to me, but
Ask yourself...If it were one of the other girls that said it, is that what you would do? Would you feel comfortable defending your decision with the girls parents, if they asked? If your daughter were on another team and did this, if the coach used this method of consequence, would that be ok with you? The answer to those questions will let you know if you are parenting or coaching.
I think you'd be upset regardless of who said it, but I think you are taking it personally with the punishments you have considered. I think you did the right thing about talking with her, why not a follow up conversation about how she felt the competition went and then mention her little neg chant, ask her how she felt once she thought about it. Perhaps you can give her a talk on being negative and how that vibe will elude her and her squad, us cheerleaders have a thing with spirit/karma dont we? lol Im sure you wont be so dissapointed once you talk again.
Hi C., you sound like an excellent coach and a great Mom. I agree with the idea of a team meeting about sportsmanship, and there you can outline what will happen to a cheerer (including yours) who breaks those rules.
:)
Hi, I will preface this by saying I'm not a coach, but here is my idea... I totally understand your anger. First because of her behavior and possibly because a the coach you might feel it reflects on you? Just a guess.
Anyways, why don't you treat her as any other parent might? A non-coach might ground their daughter from tv, cell, computer, hanging out with friends, etc if a coach told them their daughter behaved as yours.
I'm sure shes not a mean girl, but a typical child who doesn't think about the consequences of her actions or how it would make others feel. :)
I have been a leader in which I was in charge of my child. I have always told the Mom's that I am in charge of that I would hold all the girls accountable and treat them as I would treat my own...that being said I would have pulled her from that competition just as I would any of the other girls, unless it would have been a punishment to the other girls and prevent them from accomplishing their goals, then I would approach her and say that at the next meet that she would either be sidelined but required to attend or put in the background and made to show her good sportsmanship. We are always all for winning but when it comes to showing them how to treat others, sometimes we as adults give the bad example or don't follow through.
Pulling her from the spot light sounds fair. I would want the coach to do that for my child so that she would learn the lesson about having good sportsmanship. Just like the girl that she said it to was shocked at the nasty cheer, it should have some consequences. You have a right to be mad as a parent and the coach. This will also show the team that there are consequences for bad sportsmanship, and you don't play favorites.
If the other girls looked at her horrified that is punishment enough - she's learned her lesson. Trust me, embarrassing yourself in front of your peers at that age (even if no one says anything, but you just sense the embarrasment) leaves a lasting impression.
.
From your post I can't tell if you've already talked to her about this but as you said.... this has never happened before.
Was she serious about doing that cheer or just working on getting the girls all amped up? After all she did just whisper it....
It just reminds me of that scene in Grease during the Pep Rally wherein the Coach was saying stuff like that to get the team all worked up! =-)
Just giving your daughter the benefit of the doubt I guess.
