Club Behavior, Normal or Learned

This is completely normal. I have seen girls much worse such as "I don’t want to play with you" or "don't play with her because she picks her nose" yes kids are famous for being mean and bossy.

These are absolutely not permitted in public schools...when they happen they are squashed immediately. At least in our schools. Its a form of bullying you know. And gathering from your responses so far it must be more prevalent than I have known it to be-but then again I have only boys. Little girls are much crueler to their friends I have found.

Two things I wouldn't have let happen if I were you. The party kids running away and the girls chasing the boys out of the playroom. I am never afraid to scold kids about this kind of thing-even right in front of parents. In fact I would welcome a parent intervening in this as a way to start the dialogue in front of everyone about how bratty it is for children to do this. As for the princess club-there is not much you can do about that other than tell your daughter how stupid a club for princesses is anyhow.

this is not a case of "schooled vs. home-schooled". To assume so perpetuates the breach of misunderstanding between the two teaching beliefs. Neither way is best, both can be very beneficial to children.

Moving on, yes, this is normal. I always, always nip it in the bud. But I do so in a very laidback, indiscernible way....which the adults understand & the kids never see. Yep, I manipulate it right out of the picture!

Normal, and welcome to the "club" club. It happens all the time, and at all ages so get used to it. One day kids are your child's friends, the next they're not. It's crazy, and feelings get hurt, but if you keep reminding your child that tomorrow will bring a new "club", usually they get over it real fast. Usually the ring leaders are kids I don't want my children being friends with anyway, and once my child figures out how mean they can be, they ignore them and find new kids to play with.

Good luck!

I think exclusion, though not for a good thing, is normal and it goes into adulthood.

Perfectly normal behavior at this age. Kids do the "you're my friend, no you're not my friend" and "you're not in our group and can't play with us" things as a way to assert themselves. It's entirely possible for kids to exclude someone one minute and include them the next. It's only an issue when either the excluded child is very sensitive and doesn't have the resilience to say "So what" and go play with someone else, or the children doing the excluding make a practice of it. That's why adults should keep an eye on it -- but intervening every single moment is too much; the kids need to learn to navigate these things themselves. If it were older kids doing it, that would be different, but kids of three and four and five doing it is pretty normal. I think it comes naturally but is "taught" as one kid instigates it and others follow. You could talk to your child about including others, how she would feel if she were the excluded one (which she was) and so on. But don't put too much emphasis on the whole thing or the kids pick up on the fact the adults are worried about it and that can make things worse.

I think you didn't mean to come out sounding like you were comparing "schooled" kids negatively to home-schooled ones, but can you see how the post could be taken that way? Please take care not to assume that behaviors you see are due to some bad influence that happens in school, and that home-schooled kids are somehow immune to those behaviors. Your daughter wasn't picking up bad behaviors from kids who learned them in school; she was acting like any five-year-old might act in any group of kids. Just because you think you don't see these behaviors among your group of home-schooled kids does not mean those kids are immune to them.

i think you're overthinking this. but my answer to your question, they are learning social interaction. your daughter (any kid) can choose to worry, stress, try to conform, try to be part of the "club", or rise above and be secure in their own skin regardless of others' approval or lack thereof. obviously we all know which we aim for. but it's really no different than adults trying to wear "cool" clothes, flattering styles, the right hair and makeup, drive the right car, buy the right house. it really does start this young. and it has zero to do with homeschooling or not, except perhaps being a bit behind in learning these things if there is a lack in interaction previously. it's just learning to deal with people. which is, actually, a valuable life skill. she needs this interaction. how you teach her to deal with it is up to you.

It's completely normal and an extension of "triangling" behavior (Bowen systems theory).

"Clubs" are usually a way for kids to initiate some form of social structure, where one or two kids are leaders, some are followers, and one or two are excluded. Sadly, it's a combination of what they see in real life and in media. Many children's books at about age 6-10 talk about clubs.

My recommendation is, instead of squashing it, advising that EVERYONE must be included and have a "job" in the club. And that the children should change roles occasionally so everyone can try that job. Then get out of the way and let them play.

Look at other children's games, "house" for instance. "Mom" is usually the protagonist, "baby" is usually the deuteragonist, and "Dad" somehow ends up being the antagonist....no matter how happy and stable the children's real family home might be. It's triangling...someone is going to end up on the outside unless the behavior is identified and stopped.

Since children will ALWAYS find a way to play at some sort of game where societal structure is mimicked...simply make a rule (they love rules at that age) that everyone MUST be in the club. Nobody is "unemployed" or "homeless." ;-)

I don't believe in excluding a child because they are not part of a fantasy "club." It is just plain mean.

This is a GOOD opportunity to teach empathy. Have the girls doing the excluding, sit down and really concentrate and try to put themselves in the excluded child's shoes and then talk about how that feels.

It's completely normal. It's the beginning of children learning to be discerning in who they play with and want to be friends with, although sometimes it does come out as bullying and as a game. It's not appropriate to jump in and save them every time this happens, because the children need to learn to navigate situations like this. These things occur straight through adulthood. And the fact of the matter is that excluding isn't always a bad thing. The children just need to learn when it's appropriate and when it isn't... and part of that is having other children push back when they behave in an unfair way. If there are tears and seriously injured feelings then an adult should step in, but always give the children the chance to work it out on their own first.

Ditto Mallory. I couldn't have said it better.

Dawn

Sure, sometimes young kids do this. But not all.
Sure it may be developmental based and probably is... but again, not all kids do this. Even at 5 years old.
My kids and their friends, never did that at that age. They are regular schooled.
And if it occurred in school, the Teacher speaks to the whole class about it.
Sometimes things like this don't mean anything, but at other times... it is "mean" and other kids cry. Because they are being left out or being made the one that is "teased."

Then, I know a girl that went to my daughter's Preschool. She acted like that, like how you describe in your post. Well, she caused a lot of problems in preschool & even the Teacher had trouble with her... because she routinely, excluded kids from various play games. Including my daughter.
Now, the girl is in 5th Grade... and she STILL acts this way. She is in my daughter's grade level. The girl is a Bully. She STILL treats others... this way. I see it myself, I am on campus at my kids' school. She is regarded as an "icky" girl. But her friends are ALL the same way and the same type. Too.
So you can see... how things like this can play out... sometimes, as a child gets older.
It is not always a phase.

All throughout school and childhood, no matter what "developmental" phases our kids go through... we still need to GUIDE them, per any situation.
It doesn't matter if a kid is home schooled or not.
I know some home schooled kids, and ya know, they are not that much better than any other kid who goes to public school. One of the kids I know... is even quite snarky and arrogant, to any "regular schooled" kids. He is 8 years old. And he isn't... all that nice nor better.

Sorry, I disagree, and it all depends on the context.

{If they said, "I'm not playing with you because you're Asian!" I'd not only loudly verbally correct them, if the other adults refused to also add in on correcting them, I'd make sure my child would never go back, no matter how much the kids begged for him to. This is learned behaviour.}

{If it's just, "It's the girls only club, and you're not a girl," I would mention that although it is their party, inviting boys and then not playing with them is really not all that nice, and drop it. This is "normal" behaviour.} I put it in quotes, because, really, define "normal"?

On the subject of "Princess club," when younger...probably eightish, my brother diffused one of those rather amusingly. He has always been a ham-a-saurus on rye, and pulled on a glittery play dress and tiara, raised his voice to a girly pitch(He was a soprano until he was a year out of High School), and asked if he was princess enough. Girls never had an issue with inviting him anywhere ever again. Funny thing was, later in their teen years, one of the girls from that party had him try on a prom dress, and commented it fit him better, to which he said he didn't have the curves like she did to pull it off.
He's always been comfortable in his skin, and never let anyone rattle him, nor bully anyone that didn't deserve it.

The only real difference between public school, private school, and home school, is the amount of sheltering done. In Home school, the parents can "shelter" them from unwanted curriculum, and by an unintentional standard, certain social lessons. Private schools(like the Catholic School I tried to get into as a youngster, shelter them from "moral issues"--which never really works), have stricter dress codes and differing curriculum than public schools, which have the most freedoms. That was my observation, and times may have changed.

I was very introverted, and despite going to a public school, I was sheltered(not for lack of my Mother shoving me out the door when new kids wanted to "play". This was in the 70's and 80's, so different times. I had loads of kids doing the exclusion thing, so is it really any wonder I'd rather stick my nose into a good sci-fi/fantasy novel?

Parenting in this situation you described above(provided you don't take their actions to heart) is encouraged, as they learn about hurting feelings, and the power of forgiveness.

Agree or disagree, as always, it's...

Just my 2cp.