cKeeping Your Cool with a Toddler and Infant

I am with the other mamas take your time whether she sleeps or not. In our house we had rest time through this summer (mine are 4 and 5). When they were little I needed the break and now that they are older - when they are together all day they need the break from each other. Also my daughter quit naps for a couple of months around the same age, but I just kept being consistent in the rest time and she started taking them again. Over the summer sometimes she would fall asleep and sometimes she wouldn't, but it started to interfere with bed time so I stopped when school started.

And, quite frankly, I always felt a little frazzled when they were that little. I was suprised how my demeanor and the way I felt changed after having the second. I was always the calm one before. As they get older I do feel more and more like me and not some overwhelmed, underequipt mom. Just
hang in there and try to roll with the punches. Humor - laughing at and enjoying their silliness and laughing at myself helps. I get in trouble when I start to take things too seriously.

You're from the city. You know how they give advice that when you're on the el and you come upon the 'crazies'? The advice is to stay calm and divert your eyes. Let the crazies be crazy and try not to let it spread or escalate to violence.

Same tactic.

Your kids are tiny terrorists. if you escalate, they go napalm. If you stay calm and whisper they shut up to hear what you have to say. If you don't react they know they can't get a rise out of you.

You really do set the tone. It just FEELS like you don't. Taking control isn't about bringing the hammer down. It's about getting on top of your game. You do that with tone and how you react.... either in a knee-jerk reaction or a pro-active one.

And it's really really really really really hard.

Bally's has a playroom that will take your kids for free, so do the YMCA's. Go there every day. They'll be fine for an hour and your down time can be on the treadmill (or really standing in the corner... they don't care).

I think also it's enlisting help. now that your 2 year old is not taking naps.... when CAN you get your 2 hours of downtime? when hubby gets home? at 3:30 with the 7th grader from down the street who can come over for $5/hour and play with your kids? Can you "trade out" with another mom?

How often do you get out? The Chicago Park District has FABULOUS programs - I think they start at 18 months. You can register online - see what you can enroll your 2 year old in......

We are not there as yet, as our little one still naps, but I've seen other mamas and papas write about having a designated quiet time, where kids are expected to do quiet things and entertain themselves while you get a chance to zone out & recharge.

Until you get your afternoon quiet time fully in the works, think hard about what you would use that time for, i.e. prep for dinner, clean up toys, pay bills, put your heels up, catch a soap, whatever. If you can re-jig these jobs to other parts of the day, then your afternoon will seem less hectic as you won't have to juggle your kids and these jobs.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Toddlers who give up naps graduate from nap time to Rest Time! Rest time means you are not required to sleep. You *are* required to keep your feet off the floor, your head on the pillow when possible, and your voice at a whisper (the voice needs a rest time, too). A rester can "read" books and listen to music while resting. Big people - like big sisters, mamas, and grandmas - do Rest Time, so it's a real step up in the world.

Your question brings back memories! It's hard to stay cool when you feel you're being pulled in all directions - loudly. When I was doing that, it helped me to remember: 1) to expect things never to go smoothly; 2) to plan more time for everything than I thought it should take; and 3) to remember that I was the grownup - I was taking care of my children and my children were not taking care of me.

Not until my youngest was three or four did I realize actually how TIRED I was! Fatigue contributes greatly to frustration. I don't know what to advise you about that, except to declutter your house and institute Rest Time! :^\

When my kids were that young if they didn't want to sleep for a nap they had to lie in the bed or play in their room without much noise and look at a book or something quiet. They learned to do that and often did go to sleep then. You need that time to unwind. Even if it's not too quiet if they are playing nicely in their room it helps. Be sure the room is safe for you not to check often and if you have to put up a baby gate. Some people don't HAVE to have this quiet time but some of us do so in order to remain calm and happy with them the rest of the day. Take that needed quiet time to do whatever you need to be ready for the next part of the day. Also none of my kids gave up naps until around 4 or so. Maybe bedtime is too early or something or she gets up too late.

hide in the pantry ha ha ha no everyone needs a time out in a good way. the baby is screaming, and your prescious 2 year old is giving you an insight on the terrible twos your ready to rip your hair out and telling your self that they are prescious is not working you take a time out. you put the baby in the crib (after you made sure a diaper doesnt need changed or a bottle is needed) you put the 2 year old in the play pen with some toys or a calm tv show like strawberry shortcake or leapfrog something or your local public broadcasting station for something like trains thomas or what not. then you take your self into another room either lay on the bed listen to some music or soak in the tub give yourself 15 minutes or 30 they are safe they are fine and if they yell and scream just remember it will strengthen thier vocal cords for their words THEY ARE FINE MOMMA take a time out for yourself!!!

Just because she is not sleeping during nap time doesn't mean she cant still have what I call, "rest and reading time"
She can choose if she wants to rest or "read" (looking at books), but she needs to stay laying down in her bed. you put some relaxing music on for her and she stays there until it stops. I usually do about 30-45 mins of a classical cd. That way it gives her a chance to fall a sleep if she is tired and you a little renewal time while she is in there, whether she sleeps or not.
so the rules are
stay laying down,
she chooses to look at books or rest
when the music stops all the way she can get up.
if she gets out before it stops, the music starts over, and rest and reading time just got longer.
Try doing it about 2:00-2:30pm. That way she is full from lunch and should be tired and it wont interfere with bed time.
Most 2 year olds need about 12-13 hrs of sleep. so unless she is getting all that at night, she will still need a nap. They just fight it for a few weeks and then they will start cooperating again if you insist.
This also helps with learning how to self play,(if she doesn't rest) which will help through out the day, with her being able to entertain herself while you can still do the things you need to.
good luck
E.

My kids are 20 months apart and I remember the early days you're describing mostly in a blur...

I wanted to say though, that your 2.5 year may or may not have given naps up. In my daycare I have seen lots of kids this age go on a "nap strike" where they start playing around, not wanting to sleep etc... after some consistency of still having them lay down, they often resume their nap schedule until about 3 1/2,. Then the naps become shorter until they no longer need them. I would recommend giving her quiet time. If she's truly given up her naps, she won't fall asleep, but if she still needs them, she will. Either way, she gets down time to recharge and so do you.

When I was feeling pulled in different directions and worn down, the attention went to the child who need it the most. If your 5 month old is content to sit in her/his bouncy chair while you chase your toddler in circles to burn energy then do that. If your infant needs to eat then that's the priority and you have to explain that to your toddler. " The baby is hungry. Can you help me by sitting with me and looking at a book?"

What worked for me was to balance busy time with quiet activity. It breaks up the day and give the stimulation that both kids need without you having to entertain constantly or have a toddler meltdown because they really need to get outisde.

It's really hard for those fist few years, but the good news is that your kids will be close in age and it gets much easier as they get older. Hang in there... take your breaks and breaths. You'll make it through!!!

Yeah, I have a 10 month old and a 4 year old. I need that extra time during the day too. Unfortunately my 4 year old does not take naps whatsoever anymore. I do have him take an hour of "quiet time" though. He can lay in bed, look at books, do a puzzle, quietly play. Whatever he decides to do, he has to remain in his room and be quiet for an hour. Usually he falls asleep and it lasts longer than an hour. Other times, he quietly keeps himself occupied in his room. It's great! I highly recommend it. ;)

I'll admit. I have my flaws in life, but I am an easy going, grateful mom. I have 3 kids, (5, 4, and 2 1/2) The youngest is EXTREMELY spirited, like WOAH. None of them nap anymore. My husband travels 8+ months out of the year. No budget for sitters or daycare right now. LUCKILY I do not work. If I had to juggle a job, I'd be way less zen.

First and foremost: Early discipline. My most diligent discipline zone was between the ages of 12 months and 2 years. Therefore, I have excellent toddlers/kids I can take anywhere (and I've always had to take them on EVERY errand), and never had terrible twos or threes. Even my third, is now extremely good (that took WORK though).

I recommend the book Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. Yes, kids and toddlers will be kids, but when your kids are good and learning and not throwing fits and being terrors (not saying yours are, but just in case things get crazy going forward), it's a whole different reality. I have frineds who have kids those ages who are so bad, I don't blame them for needing nannies and vacations!

The rest is adjusting your thinking, counting your blessings, remembering that NOTHING you are stressed about is your child's fault. Not the bills, not the housework, not the fatigue, not even their behavior-it's all on YOU to do what you can, and accept what you have to. Its all fleeting. Get yourself to bed as EARLY as possible. That was my big adjustment, not being able to be a night person anymore if I wanted to function in high gear the next day. If your five month old is still napping, time to enforce quiet time with your toddler so you can rest a bit-even 40 minutes zoned out on the couch if you cant' actually "sleep". You sound like you are doing a great job reminding yourself to be calm and grateful.

When everyone is making demands at once, some of them have to wait. No fits. It's a great skill for them to learn, and the earlier the better. I enforced that with all my 2-ish ones when there were young babies to feed and change. Be a firm, calm leader. You can do it!

I think 2.5 is young to give up naps. I get that you can't make her sleep, but can you train her to stay in her bed with a book or toy and play quietly until a timer goes off?

At my daughter's daycare, EVERYONE takes a nap or has quiet time on their mats until they start school.

I'm also really curious about the answers - I'm soon to have a 2 yr old and a newborn and we're not sure if dad will be around during the week or not (new job working mon-thurs at a plant several hours away...).

Sorry don't have much time but I have kids the same age. The older one doesn't nap either- but she does one hour of "QUIET TIME". She can listen to music, read books, and do quiet playing.

It's good for her and mom!