Church Behavior Please Help

This is a question that is dear to my heart! I have raised 6 children - the youngest is almost 9- and have 6 grandchildren as well. No, our children were not perfectly quiet but they learned very young that there were certain expectations at church or in public gatherings, and overall did very well. Here are some ideas that worked for us. And we had children from fairly passive to highly energetic - they can all learn!
First, we started from the time they were born to include them in our daily family devotions. They were expected to sit in one spot for the duration, whether it was on a lap or on the couch or floor. They were allowed to talk - family devotions was for them, after all! - but had to speak softly, and not while we were reading the Bible story, or while a parent was talking. We also started teaching them how to whisper at a young age - that can save some embarrassment when some has to "go pee" in church!
We also held them on our laps at church till they were a bit older. This allows the parent to feel the wiggles coming. Usually a light squeeze when they start to squirm, then release when they hold still - they soon learn that sitting still was far more comfortable! If they did start to fight the encircling arm or start to cry, we'd try a soft "hush" in their ear - if they carried on after that, we immediately removed them to the foyer or ladies/mens room. The activities out of the sanctuary were never "fun" - no playing, no talking, just a firm - "Crying in church is a no-no.You must sit still. Now we'll go back and try again." For our more strong-willed ones, it could take up to 3 or 4 trips out with sometimes needing a swat to get them to "hear" us.
We never used nursery facilities (except for nursing baby or changing diapers) or children's church as we felt that was simply teaching them that you go to church to play. Eventually they have to sit in church and we found families who used the child-minding services ended up with 5-7 year olds with no clue as to what to do in a church service. By the time ours were 3 or 4, some younger, they could sit through an entire service, sing along during worship time, and then stay completely quiet with only a pad of paper and pencil.
A couple of quiet toys for the smallest children - up to a year and a few months, but after that they should be content just relaxing on a parent's lap. I woule often stroke them, or use my fingers and quirky knuckles (I can wiggle my knuckles in weird ways that fascinates children - they keep trying to catch the knuckle!) to keep them entertained.
Now I know this is sounding like its all easy and my children were angels - not so! It takes a LOT of work, energy, and most of all consistency to get the results you want! And if you haven't started from birth at home, you'll have some catch up to do. A 7 year old is old enough that you can have a conversation before the service - this is what we're going to do, this is what I expect, and this is what will happen if you don't do well. Even the 4 year olds, can learn from that chat. The littlest one will be a challenge, but if you are consistent and practice at home, you'll be surprised at how quickly they learn. I would definitely encourage having a short devotional at home every day - call it playing church and say we're going to practice for real church. It's also very important that if one is misbehaving and you need to take them out of the sanctuary, that it is never a reward - it must be WORSE to go out than to stay in and sit still or they'll act up just to go out.
As for switching to the new church - if you feel that's where your family will receive the most benefit, just do it, work on the behaviour and don't worry about the looks you get. Our youngest is a special needs child - I can't tell you how many times he'd have total meltdowns for no apparent reason and people would look at us as though we had pinched him or something! You do what's best for YOUR child and let everyone else deal with themselves. If someone says anything, just say, "Thank you for mentioning that. We're really working hard to train them properly and would appreciate your prayers."
I would also suggest that while you're in the training process, you try to sit in the back rows where you'll disturb fewer people, and it will be easier to slip out if necessary. For awhile you may not get a lot out of the sermon yourselves but as you consistently and lovingly train your children, that will change. Not only will you get more out of the service, but your children will start to learn from the sermons at a young age.
Most of what I've said is not popular with young parents. Trust me, your children will be much happier for learning this discipline!

My MIL says "The cry of a baby means our church has a future. The day we don't hear any children in church is the day we'll have to close." I know not everyone feels this way, but keep it in mind that many people do.
That said, I too, enjoy leaving my kids in their nursery/Sunday School class and going to the service alone. You have to find a happy balance between a place you are comfortable and a place your children are happy.
Keep searching, it's out there! Always get there at least 15 minutes early and ask where children go so you can get them settled before going in to the service. If you have to take them to the service, sit at the back so you can duck out if need be. Look for a church that doesn't have really long services if you won't be leaving them in classes, it's really too much to expect a 2-year-old to sit still and be quiet for an hour or more!

Merry Christmas:)

Please don't ever stay home because of your children... if you have children, they should be in church... you'll be glad when they are at the dating age and actually know what is right and wrong! Train a child up in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.

do what you can and don't put up with unruly behavior --- the kids KNOW who allows them to do what... kids will do what you ALLOW them to and a little more - so expect much and you will be doing good.

we always kept our children with us in church unless they were having a really bad time. That was usually when they were babies and couldn't tell us what was wrong.

Some adults are more distracting than children!!!!! I love seeing people in church with their children... and don't mind when they make a little noise... Most people won't if they have been through it before --- just don't be loud yourself trying to quiet them down. I've seen parents like that, too! We used to use the hard squeeze on the arm or leg... it usually worked -- that is if you tell them to quiet down or sit still and they don't listen.

You have to understand that this goes far beyond behavior sitting in church. How are they allowed to behave at restaurants, sitting in a waiting room, in the line at the grocery store? What kinds of things did you bring to occupy their minds and time while in that situation?

If they are allowing to "act up", talk, move around, etc in other situations where they can be taught to learn to be still and "wait things out"....this situation shouldn't be a problem.

I've taught preschool and been involved w/ preschoolers for YEARS. I see it over and over. There has to be consistency. They can't be exprected (like you said) to sit still and quiet in this situation when they may not have to in others - even if they are short periods of time compared to this.

Pay attention to how things are handled and how they act in other situations. Might want to start having some chats about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. BE CONSISTENT - no matter what!

Hi L.,

It's really nice to hear that you are looking for a home church. For us, the perfect home church was one in which EVERY member of our family was being fed, from us to the babies to the teens. If you feel your children are not being fed at your current church and feel the Lord calling you to another then rest assured he will smooth the way if that is where you are called to be.

I agree with a lot of the moms about the quiet toys and with sitting near a door so that you can take an unruly child out without further creating a scene.

You might also try practicing at home. Start having a "quiet hour" two or three times a week in which quiet play and quiet voices are expected. You can do a Bible study, or you can have something particular or television (like educational programming) that they have to play quietly in order for you to hear. By practicing the same behaviors at home that you expect during service, they will be able to hone their skills. Plus you will have the opportunity to correct and redirect them in a place where you will not be distracting others. It will also help you figure out what activities keep them quiet and what activities don't hold their interest. This saves the "trial and error" for home in a less stressful environment for you and for them. It also gives them time to figure out EXACTLY what you want. I would also reward and lavishly praise the children that do well. I wouldn't punish offenders. Sibling rivalry and seeing someone else rewarded will do that for you and will motivate others to fall in line.

Hope this helps,

L.

I feel your pain! My husband & I haven't been to church in 3 months because of this problem. It doesn't sound like your kids were behaving badly, maybe they were just more antsy & excited because of the situation.

Don't lose hope though. A different church may be the answer - a younger crowd tends to be more forgiving and understand that "kids will be kids." I know it's hard, but try to ignore the rude people that give you dirty looks. Older folks don't seem to remember that parents can't control their child's every action!

At our church, the last few pews in the back are reserved for parents and their small children. This way, if they are unruly they bother no one but other parents, who will have the tolerance for the disturbance. The ushers will not allow anyone else to sit back there even if they want to. This way you're even closer to the door if you have to take the children out. In the meantime you can use this opportunity to teach your children how to act without creating a major distraction. So if it's not a formality at your church you can just initiate it by sitting in the back. And if anybody gives you 'that look', give it right back to them. What other way can you teach your children?

hi L....if yer lil ones enjoy this church, please attend. will they be in thier own classes? becuz i am assuming they will be either in the nursery, or thier own childrens service ( i am aware not all churches have children classes), but on the rare nights when you all need to sit in the main room together, the service is too old for the lil ones to really get any meaning out of, bring paper, coloring books, crayons for your 4 and 7 yr old, your 2 yr old can scribble you pic, or even a small quiet toy for the 2 yr old. please no video games. but i even let my 5 yr old color or draw when he is made to sit in the big church with me.

I definitely agree with the bag of quiet toys. In addition to that, you can talk to the kids prior to church and let them know your expectations and what the consequences will be if they don't follow the rules. It doesn't have to be anything BIG - just "I expect you to not be disruptive during church. That means no whispering or giggling." I certainly don't think you can expect them to sit still, so just be sure you have enough room in your pew for everyone to be comfortable! Each parent can sit on the end of the kids so they are not in direct contact with someone next to them that they might disturb.

Dear L.,
We have all been there. It looks as if satan does not want you there and he is trying hard to make you leave. All the more reason to stay.
As far as your children's behavior, I would recommend Growing Kids God's Way (GKGW). It has helped us tremendously through the younger and even teenage years. You can find more info. by going to gfi.org. L. J

I dont if this was suggested already as I only glanced through a few posts. I bring a small backpack of crayons and book (church related AKA kid bibles and bible stories), a snack or 2 and a cup of juice/water. That keeps and has kept my children entertained in the past. I did that with my oldest one until she was old enough to attend PSR classes, which were during Mass. As far as others talking about you and moving, thats their choice. I did read where someones MIL said "A childs crys mean the church has a future" and I totally second that. Yes I do know its annoying to hear a child in Mass cry but I also think there are much worse things to hear and to have to deal with.
Also if you dont feel comfortable at the church perhaps but love the youth program perhaps you can talk to the preacher about it. He may find a way to work that into one of his sermons. Its very challenging to find a Pastor/Priest who you like to listen too so if you like him dont walk away without first trying other options.
Also remember Candlelight service is usually late and could have been past their bed time. That cold explain their behavior.
Another thing you could consider is on the days that they dont have the youth programs (I realize Chirstmas is the exception to all) can you take one of the children to service with you and leave the other 2 with Dad (or viseversa) and have Dad go to a different service? That is my plan for this summer as my children are old enough to attend Mass. I will be taking ONE of them every other Sunday and the other child on opposite Sundays? Individually they may not be as difficult (they do team up against us sometimes)!!
Good luck!
S. Z

First, your 2 year old won't be able to make it quietly. I would put him in the nursery each week. When I was growing up, my parents set the expectation for us kids. If we acted poorly, the would walk us out of the sanctuary and we knew we were in BIG trouble if dad had to leave church on account of our actions. We learned quickly to stay quiet.

You also might try having you and your husband sit between your kids. Also give your 4 year olds some paper to draw on. They will learn, it is new for them and it just takes practice and time. Don't change churches just yet! :)

It is hard knowing what the right church is. I don't think church hopping is good either. Kids do not come with instructions programmed into them to know how to behave in every situation. The more they are in that situation they will learn. If you just avoid that situation your children will never learn how to act in that situation. Practice makes perfect and they are young. First do bring something quiet for them to do. DO not let the twins sit next to each other if they feed off each other. Put you and your husband between the kids(child, parent,child,parent, child). Definitely prepare them before going and encourage them afterwards with what they did right. I know it is hard but whatever you invest in them will be reaped down the road. I guarantee you those other people's kids were not perfect from day one. Maybe they have forgotten what it was like to have young children.

I think that children are going to be children, and definitely cannot be expected to sit still and be completely quiet for an entire hour. Are there other children who attend this church? You would think the other church members would be understanding of your situation. As far as you feeling uncomfortable, is it because of the way people are treating you because of your children's behavior? If that is so, I say find another church. I find it difficult to fathom that a church with such a wonderful youth program would lack the understanding that children are not going to sit still for that long of a time period. I have two children (6 yr old son and 14 month old daughter) and they play a little bit during church, etc. - no one thinks anything of it (I go to a very small church though). Bottom line - If anything at all is making you feel uncomfortable, I think you would be much happier if you found somewhere that will be accommodating to you and your family.

Its ashame that the new church doesn't offer the same services as well. I myself am in a similar situation as my kids always seem to act out during church. I love going I hate dealing with the kids and more often then not I end up not going. Have you talked to the people that run the youth group and the new church? Is there a chance that there could be a way to work things out. My church has a nursery and children are welcome to be dropped off there during the service. We (the parents) of the congregation take turns watching the children. So getting the kids to church is now the hardest part unless the parent watching the nursery does not show.

As my mother-in-law says. The sound of children in church is like the choir of Angles in Heaven. That being said.... Bring stuff for them to do. We have a special church bag and in it are markers and coloring pages that we only get to use in church therefor I know my kids won't be tired of them. Our Pastor's wife has big bag full of pipe cleaners and their son builds these huge hilarious sculptures during church. My 10 year old still has a hard time making it though church without something to do.

I think you are being too hard on yourself and your children. This was only the first time where they have had to sit through an entire service. Give it time, they will adjust.

Definitely sit near the back and take them out of the service if necessary. Bring a bag of quiet toys - such as crayons and coloring books, books to look at, a doll or stuffed anmial. Tell them in advance what will be expected of them, and what will happen if they do not play quietly. Then promise a reward if they manage to get through the service without your having to take them out for misbehaving. Most churches I know would have the children perform, and then take them somewhere for kids activities while the adults enjoyed the solemn parts of the service.

Hi L.,
Believe me you are not alone. My daughter is the same way. You really can't expect kids to sit quietly. Kids aren't quiet. My minister thinks something is wrong with a child who doesn't make noise. A couple of Sunday's ago my daughter took off running down the isle during the serman and my mother ran after her. After service our minister told my mother that he was trying not to laugh at her running after a 3 year old.

We bring snacks and toys, pencil and paper for her to entertain herself. At that age they don't understand the need to be quiet so don't expect them to be. I can't believe they were the only kids making noise. Good luck and Merry Christmas.

Hi L.,

When my girls were young, each week I had a bag of quiet toys and activities for them. A felt story book, crayons, paper, Polly Pockets, a bag of cheerios, etc. (it seemed they always got hungry in church!) The things in this bag were special, only for during church time. This way, they had something that they would look forward too that was quiet and would help to keep them occupied during the service. The first few times may be a little rough, but they will get used to what is expected of them soon! You may want to have a bag packed individualy for each child.

All the best to you!

C.

Our church does not have a nursery, so our children have always stayed with us during Mass. (We do have a cry room, but it was usually so noisy in there that we felt like *we* couldn't hear the service, so we decided that wasn't for us.)

My children are now 6 1/2, 5, and 2, so except for the twins, I'm about where you are, and my kids have learned over time to do a pretty good job during church (hoping I don't jinx myself before Christmas Eve Mass tonight ;-) ).

First, know that if this was the first time your children were expected to sit still for this long, it should get better as they learn about how church works and what's expected of them. I know you were probably overwhelmed with your own family, but did you happen to notice what other families were doing? My guess is that you were not alone, and there were plenty of other parents doing exactly what you were doing and trying to keep their kids still.

As for us, we almost always sit near the back. This allows us to take a young child in and out as needed. My husband will just take our youngest into the entryway (or outside, weather permitting) if he gets disruptive and let him walk/run around a bit. Then, they come back in after a while. It's not treated as a punishment, just taking him out so he doesn't disrupt others. He's almost 2 1/2 and is just now starting to stay in church for the entire time.

Sometimes, if something special is going on at church, we find that it works to sit in the very front row. When the kids can see what's going on, they pay attention, and they're quiet. We lean down occasionally to whisper to them about what's going on as well and help them understand.

We bring a "church bag" of quiet books/toys/snacks to church every week. My older two generally read or color quietly, and my youngest will nibble some Cheerios, look at a couple books, and maybe quietly play with a stuffed animal or a couple Little People. One good thing about our church is that we have kneelers, so the kids can sit on the kneeler with their book on the pew, and it makes a nice little desk. ;-)

Good luck, and hang in there. It will get better.

L.,
I think it's wonderful that you've found a church that seems like it's for you. Everyone's kids act up from time to time - if older people move, then they're either not remembering what it was like or they didn't have kids. However, if it was getting that bad, was there any way you or your husband could have taken that child out of the church and talked to him (or her) about his behavior? There were many times we sat near the back of church just in case one of the kids acted up. When I go now and a little one is antsy or acting up a bit, I actually find it a little amusing. Usually the parent will leave for a bit if it gets to be too much. Do you know the priest or minister at all at this church? If so, ask what the policy is. If not, it's a great way to meet him and let him get to know you and see that you're really enthusiastic about attending. Don't be too hard on yourself, but at the same time, be aware of others around you. Our pastor made up an eleventh commandment: Thou shall be kind and welcoming to young families. Seriously, ever since he printed that more and more young families are attending Mass on weekends. Good luck!