Christmas Let It Go? (NOT Frozen!)

Ok, here's some reality...grow up.

You and your brother made several versions of plans and one was chosen while you were napping that didn't revolve around you. Instead of simply picking up the phone and calling your brother to find out what time you and your family should join them, you waited for a personalized invitation. When that didn't arrive, you pouted, stewed, and decided to be hurt INSTEAD OF ENJOYING CHRISTMAS DAY WITH YOUR CHILD!

You've "ripped your brother a new one" and he's apologized, probably because he's used to these temper tantrums from you, but that's not good enough for you. Now, you want to bring your parents into this, either to tattle on how your mean brother and his wife left you out of Christmas or, even worse, to lay some guilt on yoyr RECOVERING MOTHER for not thinking of you and ensuring you were included in every move made on Christmas.

I will say it again. Grow up. Act like an adult. This is your family. You want to be included, pick up the phone yourself.

Honestly, I think you should take a deep breath and count your blessings. Think about all the families with their folks in the hospital who got really tragic news, like cancer or congestive heart failure. Forgive your brother for anything he might have done, intentional or not. Be happy and loving and calm with your parents. Thank god that she is basically still healthy and at home. Conversations with parents who are getting older are very, very difficult. Start with love and calmness. There are going to be much more challenging things in your future and missing out on a rescheduled Christmas dinner is so small in the long term. I know what I am talking about. My MIL is very ill and failing and lives across the country and my own mother was diagnosed with COPD the day after Christmas. God Bless you and all of your family.

Do you have a cold? You said you slept because you were starting to get a cold. The last thing your mom needs is exposure to your cold.

It sounds like it was up in the air whether your brother would have them at his house or you'd all carry food to the parents house. The problem doesn't seem to be that the SIL had them come to their house. You said that you and your brother talked about that. The problem is that you felt like you weren't invited. Did you ask your brother why he didn't let you know so that you could come over? Why couldn't you just call?

But of course, there's the cold... you shouldn't be around her with your cold. But of course you are upset about being left out.

Don't talk to your parents about this. They have enough on their plate.

Since you needed a 3 hour nap on Christmas day I would think you would not have wanted to potentially expose your mom to whatever you may have been coming down with. Let it go although I actually think you owe your brother an apology.

Your aging mom just spent time in the hospital and it turned out to be fairly minor and instead of focusing on that, you're annoyed that your family opened presents on Christmas day? What?

Of course you shouldn't say anything to your parents! They're in their 70s, she was just released from the hospital and was just going along with things and trying to make the best of a holiday that had been turned upside-down.

You agreed that if she was sent home on Christmas, they would eat at your brother's house, which happened. There were two options in play and they decided that option A, which was the most low-key and convenient, made sense. Why did you then expect them to further clear the plan with you? And why wait to open presents?

I'm hoping that right now you're focusing on something stupid and petty as defense against contemplating the very serious stuff of aging parents. That's really the only explanation I can come up with that would explain why you are thinking the way you are.

Be grateful your parents are alive and in relatively good health, that your brother and SIL are right around the corner to help them, and that her recent hospital stay wasn't prolonged or serious. And move on.

What would you possibly say to them now?
That they should have declined SILs invitation (they had to eat dinner!)?
That they should have asked you first?
Insisted that SIL invite you?

Can you even imagine being released from the hospital Christmas Day AND going somewhere for hoopla?
Bravo to your mom & dad for getting anywhere that day.

What you COULD have done was call your brother & tell him you'd be over with your family & dessert. Instead of letting it fester....

You took a NAP for 3 hours Chestmas Day? I'm jealous!

It was a fluid situation - things changing quickly, with mom going in to the hospital, then being released Christmas day, you not feeling great, your SIL trying to adjust plans on the fly.

Really, I think you over reacted and owe your brother an apology. And in the future, don't be passive aggressive - which is exactly what you were when you heard about dinner from your mom and didn't immediately call your brother to ask what the plans were.

Really, that one phone call from you would have saved a lot of grief. Yes, it would have been nice if he had called you, but he was probably trying to get the house ready for dinner and wasn't thinking. Cut him a little slack.

And of course let it go with your parents. Your mom just got out of the hospital for goodness sake.

omg, really?
you should send your brother a box of chocolates for being so good-natured about being ripped a new one. your mom got released from the hospital on christmas day, your brother and his family had their plans suddenly upended, and YOU'RE the one feeling all butthurt and put upon?
if your last sentence has one single iota of truth to it, you know what to do.
khairete
S.

Well you had a game plan ahead of time so once your mom said she was going to your brother's house you should have given him a quick call, hopped in your car, and gone there. 25 miles away so you would have been there in under a half hour. But instead you stayed home and waited for someone to call you. Phone works both ways.

You really need to tell your brother you are sorry for ripping him a new one. The situation was kind of up in the air to being with and I'm sure communication between your brother, his wife, and your parents was not as clear as it could have been. And there's no reason to involve your parents because at this point you are beating a dead horse. Can't change what happened. You can only learn from it and try to communicate better next time around.

edited to add that I think its hysterical that you've sent flowers to the people who were nice and agreeable to your stand on the issue AND made sure that we all know it. Childish behavior is what got you upset in the first place. So I'm guessing you aren't going to learn and grow from this at all.

He basically did what was agreed upon. And why would you leave it up to your Mom to call you? She just got out of the hospital! And why would you want to expose your Mom to ANYTHING if you thought you were getting sick!? You should apologize to your brother and leave your poor parents out of it. Why didn't you call your brother once you knew the plan?

Letty answered much more kindly than I would have (what adult takes a three hour nap because they are "getting a cold" and then pouts because they missed out on something?!)
Please take her advice to heart.

I'm normally pretty quick to sniff out toxicity and to recommend setting boundaries with families of origin, but honestly this all sounds like one big morass of confusion and mis-communication.

It also sounds like what is bothering you the most (I know it would bother me) is your son being left out with his grandparents and cousins. But unless they have a pattern of doing this I would let it go under these unusual circumstances.

Also, your mom may have felt awkward issuing an invitation to your brother's house (since it's not her home). If there is any fault in the matter then the fault lies with your brother and his wife (and it truly sounds like more of a chaotic situation than an intentional act) .

Hope you feel better.

I think everyone got messed up with your mom in the hospital. Tests, delays, waiting for doctors….and she's in her 70s and was totally run down and dehydrated. Hospitals are notoriously terrible places to get any rest so she was probably sleep-deprived from all the beeping of machines and activity with staff in and out of the room and going down the halls. Did anyone talk to you about how disoriented the elderly can get in the hospital? Even if they are lucid at home, they can get all discombobulated in the hospital.

You were exhausted too - you even slept for 3 hours on Christmas, from noon to 3. You agreed to have Christmas with your own family, and your brother with his. You did that, at least until you went to sleep.

Meantime, everyone else was all upset too, worried, and making contingency plans.

Your mother somehow let you down and didn't make all kinds of arrangements to call you. Your brother did the same - he had Christmas with his own family, then your parents were going over at the last minute. He just thought it was for a meal, but then they decided at the last minute to bring presents.

Still, you are ripping mad. Instead of acknowledging that you felt lousy (start of a cold) and no bout the exhaustion of worrying about your mother's overall health, and instead of being kind about the confusion that can easily result after days of upheaval with a hospital visit, you decided to tear your brother apart. His wife probably made some of the arrangements, thinking she was being helpful and to take some of the stress off your brother, since he was probably starting to think about the long term parental care situation too.

As a woman with an elderly mother and an absolutely impossible brother, I can tell you I would dearly love to have a brother who lived 2 miles from my parents and who knew how to apologize. I can also tell you that dealing with aging parents who may have to leave their home and deal with health problems is so very difficult - parents can be stubborn, in denial, and overwhelmed. You and your brother have to talk directly, and you have to put your egos aside. You have to be the grown-up here, not the child of these people who are getting older and who have health problems. People in their 70s can be old or young, depending on their medical condition, medications, attitudes, and family history.

Your parents have been through a scare, and both are exhausted. They are probably worrying about their own future. They really don't need to be worrying about forgetting to call their adult daughter in the confusion of a holiday hospital stay. You were going to see them shortly anyway for your dad's birthday.

You really have to rise above this, or future conversations are going to center on not offending you. People will start to leave you out of the discussions. Be a big enough person to see the big picture here. And you absolutely need to model for your children a mature attitude, a willingness to cooperate with siblings, and greater regard for their grandparents.

72 and 75 are not that "old" if you ask me. My step dad is 81 and still plays in his regular golf matches weekly. Mom is 72 and plays golf as well. My dad is 74 and still gets up at 3am, going hunting and fishing, whatever the season may be.

It sounds like some miscommunications on all parts due to stress with you mom in hospital, you not feeling well and stressed out.

I wouldn't be too hard on anyone... Everyone was stressed and when that happens, someone always feels like their toes were stepped on.

Step back... Breath. Evaluate if your parents really need to downsize and how to you base that decision. Your comment sounded like " they are too old for Christmas anyway" attitude.

Think long term. If someone is in good health, retirement experts say to plan the retirement thought about age 90.

We were at a sports bar today and 2 men, both widowed and in 80's were doing very well, talking about sports cars and living the good life.

Don't sell your parents short. Be open minded that yes, things are changing but embrace this part instead of getting hurt over it.

Happy New Year

I don't understand why you're so angry. You gave your brother a choice and he did what you suggest. So they didn't call. The phone line goes both ways. None of this means you're not loved. All it means is your brother had them over as you suggested and forgot to call in all the hub bub.

If you expected to go over, it's your responsibility to have made that arrangement with your brother. Also your parents may have not been able to handle a larger group.

Of course you should not tell your parents. They were not a part of the arrangements. I suggest telling them is dramatic and would stir up bad feelings.

You could tell them you missed spending time with them on Christmas and arrange to visit another day as you did. There is nothing magical about Christmas. Yes dinner didn't work out as you expected. Do you usully get mad when other people don't do what you want? If so, I urge you to get help understanding your feelings. Learn why you are so sensitive.

I really don't understand why you're so hurt/angry. I would call my brother an apologize. Would you rather be right or be happy.

I reread your post. You knew they were going to brothers while they were still home. Why didn't you discuss with your parents about going over? Or called your brother or SIL to ask if you could be included? You are responsible for your own happines.
and said you'd like to come over and make plans on when you could do that.

What I see is a lot of miscommunication. You had agreed that they should go to brother's house for Christmas......yes, maybe brother should have called you and said that your parents were coming over, and were you coming over, also?

I don't think SIL intentionally slighted you..... she probably thought you already knew they were going to go over there, and had planned to go, also.....

Guys are notorious for not communicating things well..... you were also stressed with having your mother in the hospital and being released on Christmas Day, and were also coming down with a cold.....

Let it go, and don't say anything to your parents.... if your mother by any chance says that she missed you on Christmas, just lie and tell her that you weren't feeling well, and didn't want to risk getting her sick again, since you thought you were coming down with a cold......

So your mom was hospitalized and you were sick? you thought it would be a good idea to take your sick germs, and child over to hang out with mom? I think your mom should have been allowed to skip Christmas altogether. Do you not celebrate at your house with your own family? I think that you should have said mom I'm glad your feeling better I will catch up with you later and let it go. And no ripping your brother a new one was not the appropriate response. He brother I'm glad you went and got mom and that she is going to have a low key time at your house. We will get together later in the week would have been a more appropriate response. As would it have been more appropriate for you to have been taking your nap in a waiting room chair while your 72 year old mother was in the hospital. Probably not the response you are looking for. I hope you feel better soon.

Why did you get mad instead of get in the car and go to your brother's house?

Communication is a wonderful thing.

It was rude to not just invite everyone to the meal. Next time you take charge and just make very clear plans.

"Mom I am going to make a meal, you all come over at whatever time, I will call brother and his family too. " as our parents get older, they tend to have a harder time making decisions. So just stating how things are going to go down gives them some comfort. Of course make sure they are on board.

I would just mention to both your brother and SIL that your feelings were hurt to not be included. Ask why they did not include you.

Maybe they have a legit reason. You said you did not feel well, maybe thay thought you were hinting you were not up to hosting or participating.

They were invited there and it sounds like your mom was out of sorts. I wouldn't tear into Mom and Dad. Rather, sometime later in the year, start asking if they want to keep the holidays at their home or switch between you and your brother's homes. And you might also want to find out if BIL was just along for the ride or if SIL was the one that planned it and he really wasn't fully informed. It may be that he's since talked to her about how his sister felt left out and you don't need to say anything. I agree with others that they may have thought you were sick. My DH was sick and stayed home on Christmas.

Downsizing and moving Christmas should be different things, and you should also really take into consideration if they want to stay, how can they and how can you support them? My ILs have not downsized, even though they are older and have health issues (who doesn't, at their age?). Their home is modest, FIL has reluctantly hired someone to mow the lawn in the summer, they get groceries delivered, and the "kids" often go over to help them with tasks. They are in their 80s and still very independent and there is no need for us to insist on a move when they are comfortable.

It is a balancing act between what you think is right and what they are truly capable of. Please have them be a part of the conversation vs being told.

After seeing so much family drama in my family (not me, but other relatives around me) I would advise it is better to be happy than right. Sure they should have thought of you, yet they didn't.

So I vote to let it go.

I agree with apologizing to your brother.

Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door!

Okay, it doesn't make much sense, but neither does life. I would opt to not put your parents in the middle of what was your SIL's interference.

I don't know enough about your SIL to say whether she is evil or not, but you talked to your brother about it, which is exactly who you should have talked to.

It was extremely rude and out of place for your SIL to get involved and not include you and your family. But, if your parents are getting older and mom just got released from the hospital, try to just enjoy them.

I don't have the patience to discern the problem in your post. Therefore, I am going to offer my usual advice to what are generally petty problems: Let it go,,,let it go...

No. This tiff is between you and your brother and his wife. He should have picked up the phone and called you as soon as he knew what his wife had done. But truthfully, your mom shouldn't have been around too many people. I'm sure she is still recuperating. It might have been too much for her that first day. Presents should have waited until everyone was together.

I would let it go. There was so much going on that I think you just need to file it under the "oops" category.

Also, I just have to say, I don't think 72 and 75 are "old". My dad is 77 and he is young looking and acting. Not sure what is going on with their health. Sounds like your mom had the flu. Very scary for anyone.

Tread lightly on the "talk". What type of downsizing are you talking about? Moving out of their home? Not have the holidays in their home? Again, be very careful. You might just piss them off.

Don't be mad at your mom. She was the one that was ill.
And yes, I would let it go.
In the grand scheme of things it's not that detrimental AND what's more
important.....the love of your family & that you all get along. Esp at this
time of year.
Please do not mention anything to your mom as she was sick & she
shouldn't be stressing about this whole thing one bit.
Just take a deep breath, take a step back, put down the phone & look
around you. Right now. What do you see? Your kids, your house? You
are blessed & be glad you are all here together on this planet still.
I know family stuff can get in the way.
It can get old or feelings get hurt but in the words of Frozen, "let it go".
I promise you....you'll be glad you did.
Go see your mom. Give her a big hug. Ask her if you can get her anything
and be glad she is still with you. One day she won't be & you'll miss her.
Let it all go, don't mention another word, be happy, take your gifts over
there & spend time w/your family. When you're ready, give everyone a
hug, say your goodbyes & head on home.
Wishing you a wonderful rest of the year! Here's another song that comes to my mind often "Don't worry, Be happy". A mantra I try to
remind myself of. Best wishes!

The problem here wasn't your parents, nor was it your brother or anyone else. It was a simple lapse in communication. So next time, knowing that your parents are aging, discuss the plan for the holiday with everyone before the actual holiday. On Facebook you can create a group chat that everyone can see and discuss ideas for where and when to meet. Everyone will know what to do, and no communication lapse will occur. Easy.

Let it go. It's nobody's fault.