Chores- Family

As a Super Nanny fan, I've seen the Grab-bag approach work well, where you list each of the chores and then each family member is responsible for completing the chore they choose.

Well I think we all have been there and many are there right now. I will tell you that with my husbands landuay I lay it on his side of the bed so he has no choice put to put it away. I do this with my oldest daughter also. I have also went to the extrem and took all there stuff and piled it on there beds or husbands side. Well they either cleam it off or sleep on the floor. They get the point. In our house we do have chores and I will not allow the tv to come on if they are not done. I used to be a big push over but I finally stood my ground. I also have taken the landuary out of the dryer and tossed it in the floor in front of my hubby and daughter why they are watching tv. It works now! My house is not prefect put it is lived in. I would stand my ground take items away and tell your hubby this is what you need from him. When he does do something like clean the toilet do not knock him down because he didn't do it like you would of. Speaking of toilets I told my husband if he could not clean are every once in awhile that him and the kids would be sharing a bathroom. He did it. My husband at times is very helpful around the house and outside but get's lazy sometimes and has to be reminded that he is not the only one living in this house. For your son will an allowance work? good luck!!

Go on strike!

I did this once. I was completely fed up with having to do it all. So I went on strike. I washed my own clothes and cooked my own food and cleaned up my own mess. (and the little ones too of course) They caught on fast!

HI S.,

Such an apparently simple request! But, as you and I know, not all that simple at all!

So my response won't be that simple either.

The context of the question lies in the routines that you and your husband have silently agreed to. The routines of your house and routines of how you both live.

And those routines, I'll bet, have you doing the pick ups. Because that has become your life style.

And, you just went along with it for whatever combination of reasons, mostly though, because this style worked.

But now it's not working as well as it used to.

So, the solution, basically, is sitting down with your husband and having a heart to heart conversation...that is clear and on purpose and doesn't last for more than 15 minutes.

The general outline is to specify as exactly as possible the exact problem: in terms of frequency of occurence and in terms of specific locations and issues (laundry, clothing, papers, mail...whatever)....
and when he fully understands the problem
then both of you go off and come up with a few solutions.
then get together again and choose one solution, and agree to
apply it.
and then see if that solution works.
give it a week or so, and then come back and discuss your
results, and tweak the solution or come up with another one.

Now, if you find yourself engaged in a difficult conversation and this gets to be emotionally upsetting, then you probably need more than just casual advice.

Good luck
Tell me how it works out!

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org
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I don't know how to get your husband to help - but my sister did this with her kids and it worked WONDERS!

Anything that you find on the floor, it disappears FOREVER! Find a shirt in the corner? GONE! Find a video game on the floor in front of the TV? GONE! Of course, you don't really get rid of them, you put them into a special box or some place where they won't find it.

Then, then can "buy" their items back at "bargain days" - it's like having a garage sale in your own house every 4 months! They must buy back their items with their allowance money!

She has 4 kids, and it works like a charm. They range in ages 3 to 15, and needless to say, the 15 year old is the neatest and cleanest teenager on the planet!

I 100% agree with Siobhan!

If you've tried talking, asking, begging, crying (lol). Then go on strike.

My husband is GREAT around the house and overall with things. BUT, he has a tendancy to get lazy with laundry. I ask that between the two of us, we do one load a day to keep up (2 adults and 2 young children in the house). He usually does, but will slack on it once in awhile. So, I just stop doing his laundry. The first time I did this, he came to me and said, "I don't have any clean white t-shirts." My response, "When is the last time you washed any?" So, after that, I explained to him that I'm not here to do all the laundry...and if he doesn't feel it's important then I will stop doing his. He was cool about it and now when he's slacking, I joke (sort-of) and say..."Hmmm, looks like it's time for a load of my laundry to get done." He gets the hint.

I'm not sure how old your son is, but my Mom got so tired of doing my younger sisters laundry and washing CLEAN things over again that when she entered high school, she stopped doing it all together.

If your son doesn't help, I'd talk with him and explain his responsibilities and then tell him the consequences for not doing his part. No TV, iPod, Xbox, whatever. Just an idea.

Good luck.

T.

EDITED TO ADD: Oh yea, I forgot. I also just ask him to do something while I'm doing something. "Honey, I'm going to get Jacob ready for bed could you please let the dogs out?" It's hard to say no when I'm doing something. Or I'll say, "We need to vaccum and unload the dishwasher...which one do you want to do?"

Hi,
I have adult girls 23, 19, 17 and a 51 yr spouse. Been married 20 years this month and none of them do anything. except he & the 23 yr old do their own laundry, cause I wont, his is to dirty. (mechanic). I tried the chore list and being on strike. Did not work. I got fed up with the even more mess than normal. I did limit the number of glasses, plates, silverware, etc.. in the house and when they were dirty tough.

I should not be the only one of my family that does the inside and outside of my home. I am still at them trying to get them to help.

J.

In reading some of the responses, Im glad to know Im not evil and crazy. I thought some of my responses to the exact same situations where a little extreme or mean, but I guess they're pretty normal. What a relief. I have found the strike thing did not work for me because for the few days I was on strike I just could not relax and I think I was even more uptight, beside that it didnt seem to bother my husband at all. (He wasnt raised that way) So I tried a list. The MUST DO and the HONEY DO. The must do is daily and stays the same. The Honey Do is ever changing and he picks 1 thing per day to do off that list. I made sure I wrote my chores on the list as well so if he ever feels upset about doing something he can look at my side of the page ( a little longer than his ) and he would relax. Good Luck!!!

As much as it pained me to do so, I told them that I couldn't do everything around the house and if they could help clean up that would be greatly appreciated. Well, my son cleans his room more often(once a month) when I tell my husband that I need him to tell him to do it and he and my husband take out the garbage. This works for now and eventually they will help with other household chores.

p.s. I stopped cleaning my sons room in the process!

With my kids I make it a game...I have them see who can pick up the fastest....And I reward them at the end of two weeks if they can keep things cleaned up and behave without a problume I take them to the store even the dollar store if that is all i have money for to pick 2 toys...As for the husband I'm not sure seeing as I'm a single mother sorry...

I made a cleaning schedule.. a generic calendar with Mon-Fri. - and 4 weeks. Each day there is one task (clean upstairs baths, dust family room and basement, etc.). It is posted on the refidgerator and easy to read. I am off work on Thursday so I do laundry that day, my daughter helps (in her own little 3 year old way). Things like the dishwasher and cleaning up after dogs get done as needed. It took a while for him to learn the routine but this way it is broken down and we get it done together. If I am putting little one to bed, he does the chore and vice versa. Our house is only all clean at the same time when company comes, but it is clean enough for us :) As for your son- I agree with others to take away privledges. It worked for my brother and I.
Good luck!!

As far as clothes go......if they're not picked up & put in laundry hamper or wherever they belong.....they don't get washed! THAT SIMPLE! They'll do it when they run out of clothes! Don't pick up books, etc. They have to learn to puth them someplace specific....be organized and locate them the next morning. If that means they go to school w/out books......so be it. THEY will be the ones who'll be in trouble, lose priviledges at school and suffer the consequences. They have to learn somehow. DON'T pick up after them!

When I coached....if I found something that some kid didn't take care of.......they had to PAY to get it back..only a quarter, but the $$ went into the team fund. They learned pretty quickly. You could take AWAY 5 minutes of ....TV or computer time for EVERY item you have to pick up. You could do this if you HAVE to pick up something that they don't take care of. Figure out a way to "earn it back". Like CHORES!!

ASSIGN chores and have them DO IT TOGETHER! EVERYONE needs to take responsibility for keeping up the home!

First sit down and talk to them. They may not realize they are slacking off if you haven't told them you want their help. Next, take away other privileges! Easier for son than hubby - I know. Tell your son there's no TV until he does his chores, or no dessert when he doesn't do his chores.
As for your husband, I don't mean sex. But if my husband stopped helping around the house I would stop doing anything for him. He's big enough to make a meal, do his own laundry, etc...if he won't help you do other things around the house, stop doing anything that doesn't directly affect you.
Good Luck!