I currently live in Europe and it's been quite nice since our move here. I've made some nice friends through my sons school, and have been having coffee dates once a week together. We really enjoy each others company. The past three weeks another mom joined us who is nice and all, but her manner of speaking and her general personality are quite irritating. She's a 33 year old mother of 2, but acts like a 15 year old. She puts up a tough front, and in a wierd way she rolls her cigarettes and smokes them like a gangster. Don't get me wrong, out of the four of us two are smokers and two aren't. I don't have anything against smokers, although inhaling that stuff has triggered my allergies and I hate to go home stinking of smoke. In any case, when this individual was invited to our coffee dates we thought her to be someone who had common interests as us. She has proven otherwise. I don't want to initiate negative conversation about her, because I don't want to lose them as friends.No one has said anything about the situation, but I can sense a little discomfort when we're together. Yesterday, we all got up to leave after an hour together because we lost interest in talking. Should I mention anything to the mom I'm closer with, or should I say nothing and wait until the school year is over? One more point, the same girl brought one of her friends to join us for coffee too, I think it was the icing on the cake.
I would not day anything. If you enjoy the other mom's then don't take a chance of them not agreeing with you and you losing their friendship.
Good luck!
Here's what I think.
Having been on the other side of the coin here, with some irritating behaviors of my own, I wished more than anything that a new woman friend would have had the respect and decency enough to take me aside and tell me what I was doing that was irritating the rest of the group. She could have donethis with the blessing of the other women. I could have addressed what I ws doing and stopped offending people. No one did this, though, so I spent a loooonnnnnggggg time as a new mom very, very lonely.
No one is perfect and we ALL need companionship. This woman sounds like she just needs someone to be HONEST with her. Honest but compassionate and friendly. Do not turn your back on her.
Thanks.
E. A. Genge
This could go so many ways.
On the one hand, asking her might have been a one time thing - an experiment. She was invited once, was found to be incompatible and maybe won't be invited again. If everyone else was uncomfortable, she might have been too and may not want to hang out with you guys.
Or - maybe she's someone who can't read a crowd and doesn't realize she doesn't fit in. If she's not invited back there's still no problem, but she won't realize why.
Or - maybe she enjoys her individuality (and irritating people) - would be majorly insulted if ANYONE suggests she's a square peg in a round hole and she will fight for the right to barge in and be in your face daring you to say that again. Some people thrive on conflict/drama. My sister's one of them.
I don't think it would hurt if you brought it up with the lady you are closest to as "What did you think about so and so? She is rather unique." etc and feel out how the rest of the group is reacting.
I would maybe say something like "so what do you think about so and so?" and play it by ear...if she says "I can't stand her" then you say, "me either"!!! and if she says she loves her then you know you are stuck with her! if you can get the other mom on your side, maybe you can try out another coffee shop and just casually don't invite the irritating one! good luck!
What European country?
That may make a difference.
Sometimes, it is really no big deal. But if you sense that the Mom you are closest with, has the same vibes, then try mention something.
But really, what is the point?
To get the cig-roller out of the group?
Then what?
They may see you as merely an irritating meddling American Mom/woman... who only likes certain people.
Socialization... is a different construct, in some cultures.
I'm glad that you don't want to initiate negative conversation about her. Gossip is so hurtful and generally whatever annoying personality traits of the individual that are under examination in situations like this get blown way out of proportion over time. Unless you have ever been in the situation where you are being excluded, I don't know if you can understand how painful it is and how difficult it is to recover from it. I would follow Elizabeth's advice below and continue your coffee dates. That doesn't prevent you from pursuing a deeper friendship with the other mom you feel you have more in common with - you could ask her over, or ask her to go shopping, ask her to do something in an area you have a common interest - but I don't think you want a deeper friendship with her based on both of you disliking another mom at the school. As far as the lady bringing another friend to coffee - I don't know what's wrong with that. That's how guys expand their networks all the time. If you really don't have common interests other than all being moms, the coffee group can become the larger circle, and you can have deeper, more intimate friendships with some people within that circle. In fact, I would encourage expansion of the group because then it's almost easier to develop the closer relationships without losing the acquaintance relationships.
Be honest w/ her in a private conversation, not a group conversation. If everyone in her life just keeps leaving, how can she ever try to change (if she would want to).
Also, I'm not sure, but maybe it's cheaper to roll your own cigs. I have a cousin who does this for cost reasons.
If it were me, I would plan a one on one outing with her or invite her over in an attempt to get to know her. Everyone has some redeeming qualities. You mention that she doesn't have similar interests. That's great! How boring life would be if you only surround yourself with people just like you. Thta's like living in an echo chamber. Why not spice it up a bit?
I'll give you an example. I was at a Mary Kay makeup party last month. Cucumber sandwhiches and white wine. Lots of pretty ladies talking about makeup. There was this short, gruff, masculine woman there. She had a butch haircut and wore no makeup. Could not have stuck out more! She was initially off putting in her conversation. The ladies could have shunned her, made her so uncomfortable that she would leave on her own, or someone could have taken her aside and told her she was annoying. No one did. After a few glasses of wine, she was the hit of the party. She was hilarious. She had been in the Navy for 20 years and was so much fun. She had stories to tell like you would not believe. She is the only new person I remember meeting that day and the only one I could see myself wanting to hang out with. So, give this annoying breath of fresh air a chance. You might find something out about her that will make her a lifelong friend. Start by asking her how she learned to roll her own, I bet there's a story there!
