Childs Clothing at Other Parents House

red flags.
it's very, very common for kids in these circumstances to play one set of parents against the others. this has that scenario written all over it.
i find it vanishingly hard to believe that this girl's mother is actually stealing her bras and underwear and forcing her to wear one pair of holey worn-out ones.
don't get played.
khairete
S.

Sounds like some 10 year old drama, exaggeration, and fabrication. I would do a lot of investigating before you "go there" with her mother.

I would send clothes. I would also tell her mother during the switch of possession on Sunday that SD has some new undies packed in her suitcase to take back home with her.

Tell her, "SD mentioned that she needed some new undies, so I picked some up since I was already at the store and they were on sale."

Make it sound like you are doing her a favor, but be sure to document the date you sent them home with her and pay attention to what your SD says next time she is over. Keep giving SD what she needs and document whether or not her mother allows her to keep it.

Eventually, she'll either straighten out, or you'll have enough information to take her to court and fight for custody.

Call me crazy, but I'd talk to your husbands ex about it, and explain that you are sending some things that don't have to be returned to your house.
It's always so sad when adults split hairs at the expense of a child, isn't it?
Be the bigger person.
Good luck!

JC asked the right question. Mom sounds mentally ill. I would be petitioning for custody at this point.

If that is absolutely not an option, I would send her with one bra and two panties and see what happens. Start documenting. A mother that lies to her child and takes her clothes away is absolutely unfit. Maybe talk to the school counselor as well (have her dad do this) to see if they can find some solutions. More eyes need to be on your stepdaughter when she is with her mom, and getting the ball rolling might be a little embarrassing to your husband's girl, but it could also be a godsend for her. School counselors can/may consult with teachers, so you can be sure that if a teacher/counselor says to the mom "It appears that Sally is needing to wear a bra to school now" or let mom know that others are watching, that may be helpful.

What a horrible, hard situation, A.. Your step-daughter is lucky to have someone who cares so much about her.

ETA: regarding exagerration-- I know that when I visited my dads (adoptive or bio) as a kid, I always packed my nicest clothes for those visits. My sister did too, and my stepbrother and stepsister did when they came to visit us. My adoptive dad used to always add "and bring grubbies" for playing/washing the car, etc because we'd always pack our cutest clothes.
That's why this doesn't sound like the girl is stretching the truth to me.

And some moms *are* that vindictive, which is why I wonder about mental illness. My own mother used to throw out prescription meds I would bring home after visiting my bio dad. (He would take me to the doctor for things like strep and sore throats, she never would.) She'd find the medication and flush it down the toilet before I'd finished. CRAZY. These people do exist.

If the kid needs clothes, buy her clothes. Until she's able to get a job it is a parental responsibility. I know you know this, but this whole post seems juvenile.
The kid needs clothes, buy them! It doesn't matter who makes more, where the clothes went, who isn't letting who wear them blah blah blah.
And if you're asking yourself why the attitude? Because I went through this very thing with my ex. EVERY weekend I picked up the kids they didn't have clothes, or didn't have clean clothes or needed socks or whatever. Yes, I had my own set at my house but I couldn't drop the kids off naked. So I bought what they needed when they needed it.

Can you and your husband get custody? I feel so sorry for your stepdaughter.

This is such a tough age and such a delicate situation! Having been the custodial parents of a middle school girl, I can tell you they sometimes tend to exaggerate. This may not be the case in your family but in ours, my daughter specialized in selective reporting. ;) We are now many, many years past this phase but if her dad & I believed half of what she told us about her other mom we would have called the Department of Social Services. On the other hand, the other mom believed way too much what she was told about us -- and that led to way too much conflict and problems, ultimately causing difficulty for my daughter.

Is there any way you can, in a non-confrontational way, ask the other mom if it would be helpful for you to send some things home with your stepdaughter? No need to repeat what she said to you or imply that the other mom isn't doing her job, just trying to cover some bases. In retrospect, one of the great errors my husband and I made was in avoiding any direct dealing with the other mom (largely because she was a little crass and for years liked being side & nasty in dealing with my wonderful husband). We should have talked collaboratively with her more -- or at least, we should have tried harder.

As I said, this may totally not be the case in your situation, but having raised four daughters (two from ages 8 & 10; 2 from birth) I find that middle school/puberty period to be a time of drama-prone behavior and not always factually accurate. Listen with compassion; act with prudence.

I believe she is exaggerating. Everything sounded about right until she said they would just disappear like everything else. That doesn't make sense, it isn't like the clothes are just thrown away. Selling doesn't make sense either. No one buys used underwear.

We have the same issue but in reverse. My ex doesn't do laundry, well he does his own, sort of, but the kids are an afterthought. That is what happens to the clothes, they are in a laundry basket. My eleven year old has started doing her own laundry and since then her brother helps so they do it together. Kind of sad, kind of creative.

I can assure you that you will not get custody over this, it won't even effect custody.

You need to empower her to make changes. She needs to make sure she is keeping track of her stuff. She sounds old enough to do that.

Sadly, it sounds like the kid knows Mom's taking her clothes. I would go to Target or WalMart or Kmart and make sure she has a few serviceable bras and good fitting underwear. I would let her take these things with her and if they go missing, then you can buy new ones again, but if they are not super expensive, then maybe her mom will ignore them. Tell her that even if they go missing, it is OK. You know she needs them.

I would also teach her how to do laundry so she can be more in charge of her own clothing and try to make sure it all comes back to her own room at the end of the day. I might also suggest to her that she keep spares in her gym locker or locker at school so that she can change if she otherwise goes to school in unmentionable unmentionables. I can imagine that when they start to change clothes for gym, ratty underwear is an embarrassment.

I don't know if it would be worthwhile to enlist the guidance counselor or school nurse. Maybe one of them could talk to the mother without mentioning you and say that there is some concern that SD doesn't yet have bras and would she buy the child some? If the girl needs a bra it is likely other people notice.

Sadly, I have heard this story before and my own SD has had things "go missing" on her. Or her mom would borrow them for "just a few days" and then never give them back.

Yes, MS is a time of drama, but if you are seeing bad underwear and she won't take the clothing you buy her, then I suspect it's more true than not.

Who knows what the truth is.. I suggest you keep the clothes you purchase for her at your home, or just be prepared for them to disappear at her moms home.

You say she visits on school beaks? So not every weekend or every other weekend?

If this is true, then while she is at your home, she can wear what you all purchase.. but let her mom dress her the way she wants at her home.. .

You cannot control what goes on over there. Do not assume everything this child says is the exact truth, but a version of it.. But who knows, the mom could be that vindictive..

I also would go ahead and teach this child how to wash her own clothing..

At 10, I was doing loads of laundry as one of my chores.. I did the towels and the jeans..

My mom slowly then taught me about the proper care of the tops and all of our lingerie.. We would hang all of this (back in the day) because the dryers ran so hot..

Can you or your husband go into her house to see if this is true? I would have him pick her up and then make an excuse to go into his daughter's room with her to retrieve something and check out the situation. Does your husband believe his ex capable of something like this? Is she mentally ill? If she is really doing these things you need to document it and seek custody.

I am sorry she is going through this.
If you give her a gift card for X store, that she can go shoping with her mom. Do you think that will enable her to "keep" the stuff?

Her MOM sold her coat? WOW. How frustrating and sad for that little girl.

Good luck.

How sad for her. If mom is just going to get rid of it there isn't much you can do. I suggest that you go behind the scenes instead. Make sure the girl has access to the child support receipts. To prove to her that he pays, she could also see the court order showing how much he's supposed to pay. Then show her how much he's paying so she will KNOW who's telling the truth and who's lying.

Next, I would call the school and talk to the school counselor and discuss openly what is going on, that the girl has shared a lot of things with you but your hands are tied, could they please start focusing on what is going on with this girl, checking out what she is wearing and if she doesn't have a coat on call the mom and ask why.

If the court order is specific where dad has permission to discuss stuff with the school and visit, you know, access to school records then it should be pretty easy to set mom up. By showing that he is paying child support he has the upper hand. If she says he's not paying it and that's why she can't afford to buy her daughter anything she is basically proving she is incapable to support her child. I know several women who have lost custody of their kids based on them not having enough income to provide for their children.

I think if you have the school watching and documenting and you are documenting and keeping track of what she brings then you should be able to show that you are more able to provide for her.

I hope she is able to open up with the school counselor and tell her everything.

I truly sounds like mom is using drugs and selling stuff to make fast money for a fix. Otherwise why in the world would she sell her daughters coat? That's just nuts.

I'm sorry your SD is going through this. However, I'm going to guess that the truth is not EXACTLY what your SD is saying.

Like another poster said, who wants used underwear? That's not something you would sell. MAYBE her mom would sell a winter coat if it was a designer one, or shoes if they were designer.

I do know my SD was NEVER good about bringing her clothes back and around age 7-8 her mom stopped making sure she did. That's when the clothes would disappear. My SD's mom is not vindictive, she did not sell the clothes, they just disappeared because my SD was not responsible enough to keep track of them and her mom couldn't be bothered.

My SD's mom is not good about buying her underwear, and my SD is not good at reminding her mom at a good time. She'll say something about it at a moment when my SD's mom is super busy, or stressed. Then she's likely to get a "I'm not going to get it for you now" type of response.

If I were you, I'd buy nice, but cheap or generic jackets to send with her. Even go to the thrift store. Send cheap but clean underwear. I got my SD a jacket for $4 at the thrift store.

I honestly don't believe your SD 100%. Her mom may be neglectful, but I'm guessing your SD isn't being as responsible as she could be either.

I will also mention that there was a coat that my SD had that her bio mom said she hated. One day we sent her to her mom's in the coat and then when I picked her up, she didn't have it. My SD looked all over for it, and her mom swore that she didn't know where it was. My SD told us that her mom threw it away because she didn't like the coat and WE BELIEVED IT.

3 weeks later she went to a friends' house, and they told us that she had left her coat there. So my SD's mom DIDN'T throw the coat away, and my SD lied.

Lots of times Stepkids can exaggerate the truth, or say things they think you will sympathize with. I've noticed this with my own SD.

At any rate, you can buy her some nice things, but go cheap and plain. Teach her how to be more responsible with them. You can even provide a dirty clothes bag for her and she can put the dirty underwear in it and bring it to your house to wash. That's a solution we found that works as well for disappearing clothes.

Good luck!

Dad needs to talk to mom. If he's truly paying his full child support on time every month, I would first make 100% sure that mom is receiving the checks and depositing them into her account. If she is, then confront her about lying to the daughter. If she isn't, figure out what is going on.

As for the things you buy disappearing, again, dad needs to talk to mom. She has absolutely no right to sell things that you and your husband purchased without your knowledge and/or your daughter's knowledge (and approval).

Also, if she isn't properly caring for her daughter, perhaps that needs to be mentioned to the lawyers. A 10 year old shouldn't have to beg for clean, properly fitting underwear or shoes. That's just sad.

For now, give your stepdaughter all the love and support that you can. Make sure she has proper clothes and shoes at your house. Try not to let her take the nicest items with her if her mom is going to get rid of them.

Dad really needs to talk to mom. He needs to be calm, rational, and not accuse her too much. And he needs to make sure not to say "daughter says ____" or the mom may turn on the daughter too.

If you have an attorney, you need to talk to them about what you can do. Your SD is old enough to understand some things and to have choices. If there is a way for her other home to be "checked up on" somehow, that might be the way to go. Document as you say you are, and get professional input as to what else to do. I wish you the best for this poor kiddo. She has asked you for help with this - make that clear to the court people. Hopefully someone will stand for her.

This happened to me way back when with my stepson. I suggest you either get the court involved, a social worker who will check or family services. NO child should have to go to school and be embarrassed. Also, I would look for some thrift stores in your area they REALLY do have some nice things that are not too expensive and you and your husband might not feel too bad if they "disappear". Also, write her name all over the inside or where other kids can't see (first and last) this might prevent 'mom' from selling them. Good luck I know it's very maddening!

I have been in the exact, exact, exact situation you describe with my own step-daughter. I quit sending things home with her, because she didn't get to wear them anyhow. Lord only knows what her mother did with them, as well as toys and books and everything else we've let her take "home" only to have disappear.

My only advice for you is to get to court, and DON'T LET UP. My prayers are with you, more than you'll ever know.

Time to go to the friend of the court or consult the attorney handling the custody and tell them what's going on. A custody adjustment might be necessary.
The mom is obviously way off balance if she's selling clothing bought by dad. Can you say "not handling the divorce well" ???? She doesn't want anything around that is from her ex.

Is there a reason your husband wasn't granted custody? Maybe it's time to let the daughter speak up and for herself. If this is costing her friends and basics like clothes, maybe living with mom is turning out to be her private nightmare. And mom is cruel enough to put her daughter in the middle of it all.

Get to court.

This breaks my heart if this is how she really lives. I hope you are able to get custody. I'm sorry I don't have any advice other than to keep trying!!

I do feel bad for her too.

I am not divorced, but it seems extreme to have 2 sets of clothing. The bio mother and bio father need to step up and work together. Is it possible that the 10 year old could be playing both sides? The daughter obviously knows the 2 are not on good terms. Your husband might need to be the bigger person if the lady he made a baby with is this difficult. Be careful with anything you say, your words could get very twisted once she goes back to her mother's home.

Just curious, because this type of story was on a Judge Judy type show and the judge went off on the parents about the clothing being separated. I guess they have to meet and have the child change into the clothing owned by the mother and visa versa.

I have to say, your additional information prompted a sudden thought that Mom has an addiction that she's trying to feed, especially after saying she sold a winter coat. As others have pointed out, I would find a way to get to the bottom of this mystery ASAP. It still could be that Mom is spiteful, or SD is trying to play the parents (can't think of what she'd be telling Mom if this is what she tells Dad) against each other. Either way SD needs a way out.