Hello everyone.. I just really need some advise/opinions.. I have 4 children.. 7 yr old daughter, 6 yr old son, 18 mnth old daughter and 8 month old son.. My 7 and 6 year olds are from a previous relationship and sadly their father passed away suddenly.. This was back in 2007.. I have been with my current boyfriend since 2006. We have 2 babies together (both born in 2009!) .. We intend to be married in the near future but I wonder if it would be completely disrespectful to the memory of their father for them to take on their stepfathers name, hyphenated of course.. They would keep their fathers name as well.. I would just love for us all to have the same name as a family.. Any thoughts or.opinions on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
Hello ladies.. and thank you for your thoughts.. The situation is my boyfriend now has been raising my older two since they were 2 and 3 years old.. coached their tball, soccer etc.. When we do marry, he will adopt them so they would be entitled to all the same benefits as my two younger children.. He loves them to death, father/daughter proms, you name it.. At this point even if we did divorce in the future , he would remain the father of them all, in the eyes of them as well as him..
I think it's sweet for them to have both - as a sign from their step dad that he considers them his own, while keeping the memory of their father.
I am a huge believer in when children are old enough to ask for their opinion. If my own son is old enough I fully intend to ask him if he will be okay with the marriage. However, I don't allow him to have the final say. I would would ask at least the oldest to see what she thinks
With all the men in my life being runners. . .I personally would wait till you guys have been together (married) awhile and that things are good between you two.
If your boyfriend has been there for so long, I wouldn't worry about the disrespect. How involved was your son's dads??
I think hyphenating the names of everyone in the family would give you a sense of family-unity and pride and still maintain some of the identity of their father. While your boyfriend will never replace their biological father, he is their father figure, and you will all be one family together.
That's an interesting question. I think if you have any contact with your deceased ex's family, you may want to inform them of your ideas about it, and see what their opinion is. You you hate to hurt the family by using this other man's name.
Secondly, does your man love your older children? Like the same way he loves your 2 that you've had together? What happens to their name if in 10 years, you divorce and they have his last name? There are a number of things to consider here. Good luck with your decision.
Hi M.,
They are old enough - I would ask them.
Will your new husband be adopting these children, or are you just wanting to change their name? I would think that would make a difference in their understanding of 'family', as well as the rational behind the decision. If anything happens to you, will your husband keep the 2 older kids, as well as the 2 kids?
Are you close to any of their father's family? Do they see their grandparents / aunts & uncles / cousins frequently? Have they won any awards that have their current last name (I know - They are 7 & 6, but you never know. If one of them is the world champion in.... whatever, it may matter to them!)
Good Luck!
no unless he adopts them
No I wouldn't do that not even hyphenated that's not their real blood father the 2 babies you have together have the right to have his last name not his step.
First of all, what do the kids think? Their opinion is certainly more important than anyone's on this message board.
But since you asked : ), I think it would be nice if everyone in the family had the hyphenated name (you and the younger ones included) since the kids are still young and their stepfather would, I assume, play a very active part in their rearing. Would probably also keep your two older from having to explain all the time why their name is different (and then explain that their father passed away).
If you are changing the names, don't do it not matter what, until after your 2nd marriage is well established.
Sorry for your earlier loss. I'm glad you have found someone new to share your life with.
I would not do that if my husband were to pass away and I remarried.
I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship, I have been with my husband since she was 1, He loves her as his own. She has her bios Dad's last name and feels just as much as part of this family as our two sons together.
Think especially of your 6 yr old son. Wouldn't his father want him to carry on his name?
A Daddy isn't a last name. Your soon to be husband can adopt your kids and love them like his own, even without having his last name.
Dear M., I am sorry for your loss. Is your new partner adopting the children? I agree the same name woud be nice, but I do think it should be done legally. Grandma Mary
I think this is a very hard question for some people to understand. It is extremely personal decision. My daughter has my last name, when she was one I got married to my husband (not her biological father) and we had a baby together also. I am changing her last name to my husbands because he is her dad. I could care less about what her biological father thinks because he has never been around, and never wants to. No a name doesn't make a family but it makes certain situations easier for the kids, where questions won't be asked to your children or yourself about confusion on different last names. Honestly if he is going to be their dad ... I would do it
I don't think hyphenating a name is disrespectful. You are the one who sets the standards of respect for your late husband. Your children know they were loved, but it sounds like they are loved by your boyfriend, too.
Personally I would leave the older two kids names the way they are. Names don't make a "family" -- LOVE does. I imagine you want them to remember their father, so why mess with the names? Plus your son can carry on his dad's family name when he marries and has children.
Your current partner is a "boyfriend."
I would not, personally change their names.
Until and if you both get married... there is no way to know that you will both get married.
Hyphenated names, for a child, and that not being their "Dad" could then make it hard for them to 'explain' to others, why their name changed and 'who' their new name is... ie: a "boyfriend of Mom...." etc..
Complicated for a young child to explain... and they may not want to change their names....
With hyphenated names.. they CANNOT use either name... it is counted as "one" entire name.
BUT if there is NO "hyphen" then your son's can use either name... legally.
AND, is your Boyfriend going to adopt your sons????
If not, then I would not change their names....
Personally, I would not do that.
I also lost my father and I had a hard time changing my name when I got married even, and that's me as an adult...I ended up just ditching my middle name and moving my maiden name over so I could still have it...so as you can see, my opinion is biased!
I understand your want for unity and to be one family with one name...so it is not an absurd thought/want...I completely understand where you are coming from...and the hyphen is a good compromise...you do what you feel is best!
What would happen if you and your BF got divorced? Your kids together would always have their last name because it is theirs but what about the older boys? They would have all their school records and depending on what stage of their life they were in, it could be a huge hassle to get it off and all their achievements would be under this new name? Diploma? Trophies? Just something to think about?
I think the fact that the boys will have only their dad's last name makes them special and it should stay that way and you should embrace it not take it away from them by giving them your (soon to be) husbands name.
I think you should do what will confuse the kids less. Sometimes kids go to school with their siblings and dont understand why they have different last names, On the other hand if you change them now they might wonder why they have different names. I would consult a counselor at the school. Or if you are a rational person I think you can evaluate it from there.
Hyphenated sounds like a good compromise, and I know a few kids who did that when they were young as well. I think your kids are old enough to ask their opinions. When they are older, they can choose to go by which ever name they choose. My father died as well, and it would break my heart if my mother changed my last name if she remarried without talking to me.
Really it's only appropriate for them to take his name if he adopts them, and then he becomes their father, his parents become their grandparents, if the kids have a relationship with their late father's family, that could be upsetting for them. Honestly, I think the kids need to be involved in this decision and their preferences considered. If you marry the father of the younger two, you may opt to hyphenate YOUR last name so that you'll have both sets of kids' last names in your own name.
Good luck
If you could ask their father, what would he say to the idea? How do your children feel about it? I think that's all that matters. I understand wanting everyone to have the same name. The new guy won't ever replace thier dad, but it may help the kids feel included. I don't see anything wrong with it, but I didn't know your husband and I don't know how sensitive your kids are about the whole thing.
