Child's Friend Is a Biter

Hi S.

I can relate to this situation. I run a daycare out of my home and I had a 15 month old boy that attended my daycare that was a biter, and unfortunately, he bit my own daughter who was 12 months old twice. I finally had to advise the mother and have him removed from the daycare before he bit and hurt another child. However, in my situation, the mother was very understanding and did tell me she puts him in time-out when he does this. In your situation, I feel you did the right thing telling her mom and now the ball is in her court on how she needs to handle it. Maybe you should try to speak to the other mothers in the playgroup and see how they feel and maybe all of you could sit down and tell this mom how you feel and how you are concerned that a child might get seriously hurt. Biting is a very bad habit that is hard to break (from what I hear). I wouldn't remove your child from the playgroup because then it's like you are punishing your daughter for what this child is doing.
Good luck!!!

I had a similar situation in my child's playgroup. We (actually the playgroup leader) kindly had to tell the parent that they could not attend anymore until the biting problem stopped. It's great that she is remorseful but the child cannot be allowed to keep playing if she is going to keep biting. It is not a good example for the other children. I am sure she will understand.

Unless and until the mother of the other child can teach her child not to bite and that it hurts, i wouldn't allow my child access to the biting......she needs advice as to how to stop it and it may sound cruel but almost every child goes thru something that needs to be taught by doing it back to them. Not to hurt them, but to show them what they are doing hurts.....

My son was a biter when he was 22 months old. It was soo hard with having him around other children, because I was always worried that he was going to bite someone. I even sent flowers to a friends little girl after Reece bit her twice. They do grow out of it. Hopefully your friend is dealing with the situation, removing the child when he/she bites, and then focusing only on the child who was bitten. Some kids bite for attention, so if you focus your attention instead on the child who has bitten, it might help. Also, the child could be biting because he/she is tired, or does not have the language to say he/she is frustrated or angry. I know with my friend (who was a new friend at the time) talked about how we could keep her daughter safe from my son's teeth! Constant supervision, I mean the mom sitting right next to her child should be priority. It would be really helpful for you to call her and have a frank conversation on how you could work out this issue together. Good luck, and I hope this helps!

Wow - that's a tough situation. I have an 18 month old girl and am by no means an expert. However, from the gut I'd say good for you for not being bullied out a grouping of kids that your child enjoys. From what I've been told, children that age just don't know any better. Disciplining someone else's child may be stepping into troubled waters. Have you tried giving the girl with the biting behavior a ten-second gentle timeout - stay with her during the timeout - and then at the end thank her for learning to be a good girl that your daughter really likes to play with. .. you know, something like that. Then tell her parent the action that you took and that you hope there are no hard feelings and that you trust that she does something similar at home or whenever she sees her daughter displaying similar behavior.

S.. I know it is hard when you see your child has been abused in one way or another but taking her out of this circumstance knowing you really like the group does not seem the best solution. She will encounter other children in life with different issues and you cannot remove her from every difficult moment. On the contrary i think this is a great opportunity to teach her how she can deal with situations like this. I know you would love that the other mom did something about it but you cannot really control that. What you can do is help your child to defend herself and set limits on her own.
Maybe the bite is very sudden and she can't fully anticipate it but being able to say "NO", "step away", "that hurts", "I do not like when you bite me", could be beneficial for her in the long run.

If it is an organized playgroup (through some organization like a Mom's Club), you can talk to the organization about it. We had a similar situation, and the organization's rules were that the biter had to withdraw from the playgroup until the behavior stopped. It may make the mom mad, but it seems to reason that the one causing the issue should be the one that cannot participate. (Although my children are 10 and 12 now, and that is not always the way it works even in school!) The downside to this approach is that it doesn't help the biter learn how to stop this behavior and understand it is wrong.

If it is not an organized playgroup, you might want to talk to the other parents to see if they have the same issue, or even in explaining to them why you are going to have to not participate for awhile, might spark that conversation without you having to bring it up. If the other parents have the same problem, you might want to approach the mom as a group. If that is too forward, you might want to see if you can get together with some of the other children one on one, instead of in a group.

The third approach, which may be the hardest to do, but hopefully the more effective - is to have a heart to heart talk with the mom (especially if you do get along normally). She might not be making a big deal about it because she is mortified, and doesn't want to draw more attention to it. Or she may just keep hoping it will pass. But it won't just go away if the child is not given the message that something is wrong. You could approach her like it is a problem that both of you could solve. That you know it could have just as easily been your child who decided to experiment with biting, and you want to know if you can help. Have a plan for what happens if her child bites (They get removed from the playing for a determined amount of time, and the one bitten gets a huge amount of attention from the rest of the moms, in view of the biter). But to have this method be effective, you have to come to her like one concerned parent to another, as opposed to being on the defensive about what her child is doing to yours (which will be really hard). If the other mom is agreeable to this, it would be a win-win for all involved, her child learns not to bite, and your child can enjoy her friends without the fear of getting hurt!

I hope that helps!