My son was recently de-invited to a party the day before it was scheduled. The parent called me and told me that due to low turn out her son wanted to cancel his birthday party. Seemed a bit odd to me, but what can you do. Naturally, we had already picked something up (not really an issue for me, but children really look forward to giving their friends gifts) When I told my son, he was quite disappointed and said that it really did not seem right; he felt bad that the boy was not going to have a party. Since my son was looking forward to doing something that day, we planned a special family day for him. That morning my husband went to drop off the boy's gift as a nice gesture and was mortified that the party was not infact canceled.
I could understand if my child was not invited in the first place, but I am a bit put out by the callous deception.
Any suggestions on how/if I should approach this other parent? At this time I have chosen not to tell my son the truth, but hope he does not find out.
Thank you for comments, so much appreciated. I was wondering if perhaps I was missing something and this is acceptable by today's standards. This is making me feel so much better that it is not just me :)
We have not seen this child/family since summer vacation and they are in the same class next year. With the new school year so close, I thought my son was invited because they are going to be classmates.
Would like to say it was a family only party, but was not the case-husband saw some children he knew. My husband did not end up going up to home, had a "deer in the headlights" reaction and I think that is best. I do not think it would have been a good interaction :)
I think you should call the mom and discuss this. Just get it over with.
It seems like an awkward start to the year to pretend this never happened!
How do you know it wasn't just a family party? Maybe just there cousins or just there next door neighbors.
What is wrong with being open and honest? It seems like in many posts about kids' friendships, everyone recommends staying out of it, not saying anything, and just continuing to wonder what the hell happened. How does that help our children grow and learn? Maybe there was a valid reason why your son was de-invited. Maybe there was a misunderstanding. Maybe they ARE just rude, but you will never know unless you at least do your part to have an adult conversation about it. Just say "My husband stopped by to drop off the gift and it seemed like the party was going on as planned. Did something happen between our kids to cause my child to be uninvited?" If your son did do something, then you can help him with his social skills or whatever it may be, without necessarily telling him that he was left out of the party. If they were just making presumptions or are just rude, then you know you don't want to associate with them.
That is downright terrible! And a VERY bad example for her son.
If he had decided he didn't want your son there your anymore, as an ADULT she should have explained to him that your son was already invited and that's incredibly rude to un-invite someone.
I'm not sure what I would I do. But I would absolutely let her know that your husband DID in fact stop by w/ the gift, trying to be kind and discovered her lack of decency.
People are unbelieveable!
Completely unacceptable!!! I am so sorry this happened to your son and your family. I have to agree with Magenta S. After I had put out the flames that I'd be feeling inside, I'd kindly call the parent and explain that your husband had stopped over to drop off your sons gift and it seemed like the party was in progress and ask if your son had done something to upset hers. It may be a complete misunderstanding which can be settled and you'll feel good about the two boys playing together this school year or you'll know for sure that this is a family you don't want your son interacting with. Hugs to you and your family. I truly hope this was just a misunderstanding because if not, I've never heard of anything so cruel... we often comment on how rude this generation of teenagers can be but if this is how the parents of a young child is behaving there's no wonder why some kids are the way they are. It all starts at home.
I'd be pissed off and confront the parent so they'd know they should have done this differently. Obviously they had the party. Obviously one more child would not have made a difference.
There is a reason this happened and I'd want to know now, before school started and there were expectations not met.
I'm so sorry that happened...how hurtful!
As tempting as it sounds to talk to the boy's parents and try to figure out the reason, I'd let it go. In the long run, I don't think the closure is worth the awkwardness and potential can of worms that conversation would lead to.
Don't invite the boy to your son's events or try to foster the friendship between the two of them. And I wouldn't necessarily accept future invitations from them...I'd just reply with a polite "Thank you so much, but we have other plans." Even if those other plans are hanging out in your PJs and playing Bananagrams. :)
Also: It's a tiny bit evil, but I can't help wishing your husband had gone up to the door and embarrassed those rude parents.
I would not tell my son that the party happened. I would keep the gift for the next party he is invited to attend. If you say something to the parents, it is going to be weird (at the very least) unless it truly was a case of "went forward with family only". It could be that the boy wanted to de-invite your son for some reason and the mom didn't know how to do that so she made up a story. If you are friends you could say "Hi Sue, Tommy was disappointed that you cancelled the party, he was really looking forward to going. Were you able to reach everyone in time to cancel or did you end up having it? I had Bob start to bring a gift over anyway but it looked like you had company so he didn't want to intrude."
If I read your "so what happened" correctly, it's not possible that the kids had an argument between the time the invitation was issued and when it was rescinded. So there's no possibility that either one bullied the other - if your son HAD done something, the birthday boy wouldn't want him; if the birthday boy had done something, he might not want his "victim" to be near his own parents and perhaps tattle. So while it's not a factor in this case, I suggest it for future episodes (hopefully there won't be any).
If you are positive that the party didn't turn into a family-only thing but in fact it included other friends, then perhaps the family has no class (as others have suggested) or perhaps it was getting so expensive and out of hand that the parents decided they had to cut back. I'm sure they never expected that you would drive over with a gift and see that something was, in fact, going on.
If they are rude people or if the boys aren't really such great friends, then it's just as well that you know it now. You can certainly speak to the parent and put them on the spot, but be prepared for some animosity. People who are shallow don't like being called on it, and people who have a legitimate hardship don't like to have it highlighted. Even if you do find out the real reason, what will you do with that info? Are you going to tell your son that the other boy is mean and decided he didn't like your son? That the other family is a group of liars?
Personally, I would move on. I wouldn't encourage any play dates or parties involving the other boy - if the kids play at recess, fine, but encourage your child to meet all the other kids and get to know them. Of course none of us wants our kids to be hurt, so I understand why you don't want your son to find out about the party. But if he does, it's time for a chat about why manners and commitments are important. Other people's actions CAN be a reflection of what we do, but sometimes they are just indicative of the type of friends people really are, or are not. It's a time to help your son decide what kind of friend HE wants to be, and to decide that his worth is not set by someone else's opinion of him.
The only way this is going to be a big problem is if the family issues another invitation to your son, and if he wants to accept it. Then it might be appropriate to say to the other parent, "Well that MIGHT be very nice. My Johnny was so disappointed that your Sammy wasn't going to have a party after all. In fact, he wanted Sammy to have the gift we had bought, but when my husband drove over to drop it off, he saw you had a house full of people and didn't want to disturb you." Then stop talking and listen - see what the reaction is. If the parent gets all flustered, you can say, "I understand that you need to make the decision that's best for your family. However, I'm sure you understand that I don't want my son to be disappointed twice if it's likely that this invitation will be canceled in the same fashion."
Then you can decide whether to proceed with the friendship between the kids. But I'd certainly start with larger groups and not a one-on-one with the other kid, who is apt to cancel for whatever reason.
Otherwise, I would ignore it and just move on. It's not worth the aggravation.
UNACCEPTABLY RUDE! I would avoid interaction with this family in the future. They *clearly* have no social graces whatsoever. Un-freaking-believable, some people.
Unless there were some REALLY big extenuating circumstances, this is just classless and rude. As far as I am concerned, once an invitation is out, then it's out.
What did you DH say when he dropped off the gift? I would probably put that Mom on the spot next time and lay it on thick. I would say that I was SO sorry that her little boy didn't get to have a party because of low turn out and how lucky it was that she was able to wrangle up a bunch of people at the last minute to in fact have a party anyway.
That mom is beyond rude. I would not tell your son, but I would also not encourage a friendship with this child. I would have went up to the door, knocked and left the gift while being very overly polite so the Mother would know I knew how rude she was while never lowering myself to her level.
Wow. It takes gonads the size of Kansas to do what these people did, unless your son did something awful to the birthday boy. Since you haven't said that, (you surely wouldn't leave that part out), they were just unbelievably unkind.
Whatever you do, don't give a gift now. And I know it sounds awful, but don't invite the child to anything of your son's.
I wouldn't want anything to do with these people. (I know it's not the child's fault, but I still wouldn't want to have anything to do with these people...)
What kid wants to cancel a birthday party because of "low turn out"?! Suspicious excuse in the first place. I really like BossFan's idea of doing a "cheerful and innocent" inquiry. Only because I would be really, really curious about the full story.
This speaks loud and clear of their ethics. I wouldn't want them as friends. It's tough, but move on and encourage other friendships. You don't need this drama.
Maybe they decided to have family only and no friends?
Say nothing. Just don't get chummy with those parents.
As for their kid being friends with yours, there is really nothing you can do except try to foster other friendships with other nicer families.
I'd not be accepting any invites from that family ever. We would always be busy. :)
I'm not saying what she did was right. But I'll tell you something that recently happened. My son just had a birthday party yesterday. He invited a bunch of kids from school to come. He invited one boy in particular. A few days later, that same boy started treating my son very badly. He also took something of his at school, destroyed it, then gave it back, with a complete lack of care. Needless to say my son was really upset and told me he didn't want this boy to come to his party anymore. Boy was I relieved when the mom never rsvp'd for the party. I didn't know what I was going to say to her if she called to come. Anyway, maybe something happened between your son and the birthday boy????
Well my husband and I once de-invited a child to our party because he was bullying our son the day before but to be honest from what I have your son seems like a perfectly nice young man.
I would advise asking the parents why he was really de-invited and look out for over told stories and that sort of thing, we don't want them lying to you.
How RUDE!
I am hoping there is a good reason, meaning, it turned into a family thing.. And maybe the few children your husband saw, were the closest neighbor children or something.
I would probably try to wheedle it out of the mom just to let her know, I know her lies. But it would be a while later when she least expected it. But in the long run, I would never trust her again,
I was going to say that maybe it was a family only party. How does your husband know that it wasn't?
Maybe it was a family party.
I don't know that I would approach it. I can say this...everyone is different. My husband is the one that will un-do something he no longer wants to do and I am the one that runs more so on a moral belief.
So if it were me, if my daughter had invited your son to the party, then so be it, he is an invited guest and will be so.
In my belief, this mom should have never invited your son if she were going to second guess herself later.
Children are finicky. Maybe little "Johnny" threw a fit b/c your DS was taller and Johnny wanted to be the tallest at his party. I wouldn't call or give it a second thought.
It is usually best to ask straight out IF you don't care if they never talk to you again, or react with strange silences when they see you or the child begins or has begun bullying your child. However, myself having been uninvited to a wedding (relatives of the groom arrived from another country and they could only afford a certain amount of people which I believed) and having had some huge family parties myself, unless your husband can identify each child he saw at the party I'd like to assume it's a family thing. However, that's pretty low for a parent to blame the responsibility on a young child for canceling a party for kids if that isn't true. Then Shame on that parent!
