My FIL expects to move in with me and hubby. He has Parkinsons (13+ yrs now) and is still mobile and lives alone. I do his grocery shopping, housecleaning and take him to his Dr appts.
Problem: years ago I made the mistake of saying I would help care for him as he got older. I did that without doing any research on Parkinsons and caregiving - shame on me. I am now in my late 50's and recently diagnosed with a brain mass that is affecting my balance. I do not feel physically or emotionally capable of caring for him, but he keeps bringing up the "you said...." guilt. I'm also not comfortable with having home help/caregivers coming into our home to care for him. He wants to sell his house as the market is very good here, and keeps asking if we've made room for him. I love him and don't want to crush his feelings. Help!!
Thank you everyone for your input! Hubby and I are going to have a sit down, heart felt conversation with FIL after the holidays, and let him know that we are unable to have him live with us. Hubby has a f/t (close to 60 hrs/wk) extremely stressful job and will be unable to be of much help. I work p/t from home (computer input) and I think that's why FIL thinks I'm the one to care for him. Only hubby and my grown kids know about my brain mass. Hubby feels very guilty that we are breaking a promise to his dad. Again, thank you all for easing my mind!
Well if he doesn't know about the brain mass no he's not going to understand why you wont take care of him. You probably should tell him sooner rather than later. At that point if he is not understanding that's his problem.
Well first of all, you do so much for you father in law! He is very blessed to have you! I would put it to him like this, "I know I said......but that was before I was diagnosed with a brain mass. I am here for you but I do not feel capable of caring for you". Something like that. If you go ahead and move him in and proceed to care for him, you may cause yourself more damage and accelerate your own health problems. I sincerely hope everything will work out for you
You can say to him "I'm sorry, Dad, but I said that before I got a brain mass in my head. I cannot do this. Other arrangements have to be made. I love you, but I am not capable of doing this."
Stop worrying about the guilt. You can still be there for him to the level of your own abilities. But you do not have to take care of him.
Why can't you just be honest with him about your own health? I don't think he wants a caregiver that will possibly need care herself before long.
And where is your husband in all of this?
I don't understand why you can't tell him what's going on with you, and why your husband is not stepping up to help his own father, and wife.
when you made that promise you didn't have a mass on your brain affecting your balance. you need to remind him that its unsafe for you to care for him when you might be needing someone to help you back up should you loose your balance and fall... its good that you are going to talk to him. i hope he understands that you are not in a place health wise to be his caregiver.
Why can't there be a happy medium? I don't know what your long term diagnosis is, but it sounds like your FIL is in a really good position to move to an assisted living apartment or complex. That would relieve you of the ongoing burden of doing the housecleaning and shopping (assuming you choose one that offers these services), and if you still wanted to keep doing that, you could choose a place that offers these services a la carte so they were available should your condition worsen. This would allow your FIL to sell his home and take advantage of the current market, but would also allow for room to change the level of his care based on your ability to provide what you would like to provide (perhaps balanced with what your FIL can afford).
Keep in mind that your FIL has depended on you for some period of time and it is likely scary for him to make that next step - no matter what it is. It was comforting to know what it was (that he would move in with you), but that doesn't mean you HAVE to do that - just be understanding of why he might be forcing the issue. Additionally, it is possible that he was planning on being able to pass along certain funds or items to his family after he passes and by living with you and saving the costs of care, he may feel like he can contribute more after his death. That may not make alot of sense to you and I, but it may be a burden he carries. It may be important to share with him that family expects him to use any funds he has to improve the quality of his life, not to leave behind when he is gone.
I would tell your FIL that you can all revisit him moving in when he has surpassed the need for assisted living, but for now, you feel that keeping him in a position with the most amount of independence is the best situation for him at this time.
Good luck!
At the time you made the statement - your health was not in question.
Now it is and you can no longer follow through.
He's going to keep trying to guilt you into it - you have to be firm in saying it just didn't work out and you can't do it.
You didn't expect to be developing a brain mass - and that's no ones fault - but he's going to want to put the blame on you.
Since he has a house to sell and has the resources, maybe an assisted living facility would be a good fit for him.
Tell him if your health situation doesn't improve - instead of him coming to live with you in your house - you may have to come live with him in his facility sooner or later.
I take care of my father in law, he's almost 90 and I'm almost 60. It's not that big of a deal. We live on the same property, he is in his house and we're in ours. If he needed more full time care then we'd stay up there and come to our house to hang out when he was resting or something, and one of us would stay in the house with him all the time.
What I can say is that you need to figure out why you dislike home health care givers. I worked as one and we never ever had any complaints against any of them for anything. Your attitude about caregivers coming in to help seem harsh. Plus they only come in for a few hours a week to help with bathing, his care stuff.
I had a man that I helped shower, he put a hand towel over his business to protect his modesty, he was an old preacher. I pulled the sheets from his bed, started them in the wash, got him dressed in clean jammie bottoms and a tee shirt, and a few other things for his personal care. Then I would run the vacuum, dust, and clean in his room, I also cleaned his bathroom.
The wife was there. I wasn't there for her though. She was always asking us to do this or that but we weren't contracted to do those things. Only provide care for this older gentleman.
I think we went in three times per week, two hours each time.
Home health care providers aren't bad people. They are often very caring people who have a ton of empathy and want to make the person receiving the care as comfortable as they can and help them have some comfort in their end of life years.
If you have a brain mass that is affecting your balance and do not feel physically and emotionally capable you need to firmly tell your FIL and your husband this. Make it very clear that you cannot do it. You may need a caretaker yourself. He is an adult. Yes, he will be disappointed but he will be able to handle it. Expect that he might feel upset and give him time to get used to this new idea. I would expect that your husband and FIL will offer the solution of having him live with you while home caregivers come daily to help. If you cannot handle this, you cannot...none of us can feel what you are feeling or what you can handle in life. You know yourself. Are there any nice assisted living facilities near you? My grandfather loved his assisted living apartment and community. He had friends, activities, a bus that would take him on errands, and he had a community. It was like a nice apartment, but there were also community rooms for coffee meetings, an exercise room, a movie room, a mail room, etc. He made many friends there. He was less than a mile from my aunt and cousins which was nice because they could take him out to eat or to their houses for family events. Do you have any other famlly nearby? Can your kids drive him to appointments? What about his other children, nieces, nephews, etc.? If everyone pitches in to help it will be easier.
You should tell your FIL about your health condition and how that has changed things.
Your husband should be involved in this and telling HIS dad that he needs to make other arrangements due to YOUR health conditions.
I'm sure this is hard as you want to keep your word and promise, but really? You can't help him and take care of him if you are sick too. If you hurt BOTH of you because you lose your balance, how is that going to help anyone? It won't.
Welcome to mamapedia.
I've sorry you have a health issue that is comprising your ability to help care for him.
Where is your husband in all of this?
Have you explained to your FIL that you have a brain issue that is keeping you from caring for him?
I would sit down and talk with an attorney - get a trust set up so that he can sell his home and use the profits to care for himself in an assisted living facility that you, your husband and FIL have researched and deemed good enough to care for him.
Your husband needs to man-up and tell his dad that YOUR HEALTH is precluding you from caring for him as you had promised. He NEEDS to understand this. This doesn't mean you don't love him anymore. It means that you love him enough NOT to put him in jeopardy caring for him.
Good luck!
I'm keeping you in my prayers! All the best to you!
