Can't Get My Preschooler to Clean up Her Messes.

I am having the same issue lately (daughter will be 4 in March). My neighbor uses The House Fairy. www.housefairy.org for more information. I have not tried it yet, but she swears by it! Looks like a ton of good tips on the other posts here too! Thanks!

My daughter is really easy to please, but she is really hard headed. She loves getting stickers and stamps on her hand, so when she cleans up her toys, she earns a sticker.

I can relate to this all too well. My three year old is very stubborn and loves to just drop things on the floor and leave them. Clean-up is very frustrating with her. Actually my 1 yr old is the only one who will clean up...lol. My 9 yr old is just as bad as my 3 yr old. Anyways, we have found recently that as long as we are adamant about it and stay on top of her, we can usually get some cleaning done. Also we started using a reward system. We buy Tic-Tacs and she gets a few after she has done what we asked. This works for almost everything now. Even getting in car seats, which used to be a hug battle with both of my little ones. Good luck in whatever you decide and congrats on the soon to be baby!

Well I didn't start asking my step son to really clean up his own room *by himself* until he was 4 1/2. We'd get him to clean up before that but only when we helped him, of course. We sang the "clean up" song. He had to clean his room every Sunday before he went back to his mom's house.

You've got to be positive about it. Say "A clean room is a happy room" always praise her for listening and accomplishing a task you set out for her.

Right now, my first born just turned 3. I am not demanding that he clean up his room. I usually just help him clean up and I will get him to put some of the toys back in the toy chest.

A toy chest is usually the easiest way to clean!! Kids will find it easier to just toss the toys in there rather than "finding a place" for them.

But keep in mind, children are constantly busy and do not think as adults "my how messy is this room?" is not the first thing to pop into their heads! If you've had enough of stepping on toys with your bare feet, I understand completely!!

just have her help you with the cleaning instead of telling her that she needs to clean it herself. once that is accomplished she'll start cleaning when you ask her to.

all kids will resist their chores no matter what...do you remember when you were a kid? lol I do!

My son just turned four and has the same problem. So we started putting his toys in the garage and telling him we threw them away. We have 4 boxes of toys in there now and he doesn't even notice. I think the problem was too many toys. Now we only let him play with 2-3 toys at a time since that seems to be easier for him to pick up and put away. We don't wait for the end of the day now when everything is totally messy. He does better with cleaning a lot of little messes rather than one huge mess.
Best of luck,
Jen

My favorite Parenting guide book right now is called Parenting w/ Love and Logic by Cline and Fay. They believe that children grow and learn through making their own decisions and experiencing the natural & logical consequences of them, and I believe it too! Modeling and seeing consequences works. My 7 yo was/is also a strong willed child, w/ a mind of her own, who would rule the world if left to her own devices. At 3-4 yrs old, I found that she developmentally could not complete the whole task of cleaning her room even if I gave her specific instructions like the cues you indicate you have. Cline and Fay say until they are about 7 yrs old, you may need to spend more time showing them and/or helping them complete the task you want completed than telling them to do it. Pre-schoolers model well, but aren't yet able to follow a string of sequential instructions... like line your dolls up, then pick up your books, then put your toys in the bin, etc... Your daughter likely doesn't make it through the first task. I started w/ my daughter by saying wow, let me help you get these animals put away so we can _______ (do whatever she really wanted or we needed to do)While we worked together I'd reinforce the job and her performance. She learned she had a job I expected her to do (and would hold her to it); that it was important enough for mom to help her with it, it was fun (we sang clean up songs, raced to see who could finish first, etc) and whatever other lesson I'd throw in while we worked together. Honey, I love that you care about our safety enough not to leave your skates in the middle of the floor. Once she'd really started on say "the animal line up" task, I'd leave her saying I'd be back to help her finish. When I came back I'd praise the devil out of whatever little task she'd completed, and help her get started on the next one.

While my daughter was working with me, she'd also learn the consequence of the choice she was making. "I know this is the afternoon we usually go to park, so when we get what needs to be done finished (clean up), then we get to do what we want to do (go to the park...or whatever is of value to your daughter). If we don't get finished, I'm we won't be able to go." If she chose to do something different or not finish the task.....WE DIDN'T GO!

My former nanny (when I was an outside-the-home working mom) told me the best advice I've ever heard, and it still gives me perspective. I didn't like hearing it at the time, b/c it made things seem a little hopeless, but here goes....a child must hear an instruction or practice a skill 2000 times in context before it become a natural behavior for them. So, yes, that mean you may have to show/help her learn how to clean her dolls 2000 times before she does it on her own. The prize for the aggravation of persevering for us has been that at 7yrs old, my daughter now makes her bed, empties her trash, puts her toys, books, shoes, folded clean clothes away almost all the time on her own w/o any prodding. She also vacuums and does other chores in our home. My 6 yo son does too. They're not perfect at it, but those things they don't get automatically...they just must not have practiced 2000 times yet. Sorry for the long email. Keep at it....don't cave, b/c your goal is molding a responsible child into a responsible adult...not just a clean room.

The last thing that I want to add is that because all kids no matter what the age learn best from modeling after us, I'd ask are YOUR shoes put away in the closet, is the kitchen counter cleaned off, the garage clean...etc...b/c if they're not, then the message is really this "I want you to clean your room, but I don't have to clean mine."

Hi V.--
Guess what? Every time I ask my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD SON to clean up after himself...yep, the self-discipline it takes to be a responsive, responsible person is a life long, up and down lesson depending on what's going on in the child and the family...
I remember reading him many, many times "THE HOUSE THAT HAD ENOUGH" it's a great little Golden Book kind of story that lets clothes(that don't get washed or put away) and toys and tools and bikes (that don't get put away or taken care of) tell the story of consequences (we won't be there for you when you need us to be worn, played with or used).I put it in his (messy)room just the other day with a smiley face on it...anyway, it's a fun way to read together of the importance of taking care of our things, and the good that comes from cleaning up (the house and furnishings get happy again).
The important thing I think is to stay firm and positive. When they do pick up, praise them for their taking responsibility. Quarterly, I help my son go through his stuff to weed out what is broken, outgrown, etc. I do the same for my stuff. And we donate, garage sale or otherwise get rid of stuff that overloads our abilities to keep it neat and clean...also, my rule is that NO FRIEND is allowed to visit in his room or overnight if it is a messy room... these actions are all for older kids, I guess, but thought I'd respond over the long term... D. (single mom 11 years)

My two year old is the same with his cars. He and I played this game for 3 days straight. We got his cars out, put them in various places in his room where he likes to play with them, and then hurried to put them all back in "their home". And, yes, we sang a clean up song the whole time. We did this multiple times a day. He loved it and now all I have to do instead of screaming "clean up!" is to start singing instead. I do have to peek my head in from time to time, but once the singing begins he goes right back to picking up. If you can't sing, try a CD instead. It sounds crazy, but my blood pressure has never been better!

Oh my, this was my daughter when she was that age. (She is now 9). When it came time to clean up, her favorite thing to say was, "But my back hurts." After a while of fighting, time-outs, etc. I decided to try something else. The doctors! Yep, I told her I had to take her to the doctors to have her back checked out. This kind of scared her, so she little by little started picking up. Maybe it will work for you too.
You could also tell her that she will be big sister and she will have to help teach her baby brother/sister to learn how to clean up too. Just a thought.
Good Luck.
P.S. What kind of writing do you do? I'm a ficton writer myself.

Hi V.,

I know it is hard having to deal with a strong willed toddler. I especially feel for you since you are expecting an addition to the family! Congratulations by the way!

Well, what I always tell my son (he's two will be 3 next month). If he wants to play with his toys he has to put them away. At this age, they KNOW what is expected of them. If she loves playing with her dolls, take away the privilege if she refuses to put them away when she is done. This worked for my son, time out (or even threatening a time out) usually sets my son straight.

If you make it into a game, she may be more willing to do it too. Like maybe she can "race" with Daddy on who can pick up the toys the fastest. Whoever wins gets a tictac (ok my son does ANYTHING for a tictac) or a treat that your daughter loves. A sticker for example.

Tell her she is going to be the best big sister, and we have to keep the place clean for the baby that is coming soon. Tell her she needs to help Mommy as much as possible. Let you know how much you appreciate her help and tell her how wonderful she is. What my son loves (and a tip I got from "The happiest toddler on the block" DVD). Act like you are gossiping about her. Whisper to someone in the room about how good she is, whisper loud enough so that she can hear all the good things you are saying about her to other people. My son really gets a kick out of that!

HTHs!

Hope you have a great pregnancy and delivery!

I second Nicole's advice. Have certain places for everything and remind her that everything has it's place. If all else fails tell her what she leaves on the floor is going in a box to give to some other little girl who has no toys and will take care of them. That is usually the last ditch effort that works.

Try reading the book 1-2-3 Magic! It made me realize that I was implementing time outs all the wrong ways. Too much emotion, too much talking (on my part) and not enough chances for them to reconsider the best course of action to avoid a time out. Once we started this discipline technique, things were much different in our house. Good luck

You sound like me! My daughter is now 4 1/2 and we still go thru it on occasion. When she didn't want to clean up I told her that if I pick it up it's mine. At 1st she acted like she didn't care. I would show her where I put it. It didn't take long before she realized I really meant what I said and she snapped to!
Unfortunately, kids are smarter than adults! They can spot a weakness a mile away. For me, being consistant is the toughest part. If I let something slide just once, she will most certainly mention it the next time! You may be in for a few major melt downs but take a deep breath and stick to your guns! Establish this now before the baby comes! All the best! Margaret

Have you tried making clean-up time fun? Sometimes as adults, we forget that a child's mind is always in play mode while we get very serious. This is when we clash. Here are some ideas:
sing the clean-up song (clean up, clean up, everybody, everywhere...clean up, clean up, everybody do their share)
make it a challenge (I bet you can't put away five toys before I do)
take turns (I put one toy away, then you put one toy away...)

Good luck!

Have you tried making it a game? I used to do this with my kids....We'd have a race to see how many toys, etc. we could pick up in a set amount of time...Then as a reward we had a tea party, or something like that after the room was cleaned....It's amazing how much can get cleaned up in just a few minutes

Hi V. - I used to have the same problem when my son was that age. I took someone else's advice and it took a while but it did work. We used to make a game out of picking up and putting the stuff in the right containers, shelfs, etc. I use to set the timer for 5 minutes at a time and it then became a "race" to see who could put the most toys away before the bell rang. I had a chart on the wall with both our names and whenever he won he got a sticker. If he got the most stickers at the end of the week I would go to the dollar store and he could pick out a matchbox or I would treat him to a few hours at the local petting farm (free). Whatever was in my budget for that week. HTH
Debbie

blues clues had a really cute clean up game. you turn out the lights and they have to pick up as many toys as they can and then when you turn on the lights you say freeze. my sister in-law and i did this with our two in half year olds. it was fun we also played with them. Then we told them what a great job they did and how clean the room looked. good luck

I have the same problem with my 4yr old, who will be 5 next month. She'll give me the same excuses as yours does. I try to make a game out of it. I'll set a timer and she has to try to pick up all of her toys before the timer goes off. Sometimes she still refuses to pick up her things, so whatever I have to pick up gets taken away for a few days. I also have a 4month old daughter and she'll be crawling in the next few months and then things should get real interesting. I'm not sure how I'll get her to keep her little toys off the floor? Well I hope this helps.

Make cleaning up a game. Think of ways to make it fun for her. Make a chart, use bins with pictures on them to show what goes where. And the most important thing is to reinforce her when she does clean up something. Start small. For instance, pick one type of toy, say Legos, and count them as she cleans them up and then put a sticker on a chart. Then go to the next item and do the same thing. When it's all done and she's earned say 3 stickers, the two of you sit down and read a book together or play dressup or have a cookie and milk together. All of us love positive reinforcement - we work and we get paid and making it fun will take the stress out of it and the two of you will be much happier.

Have you tried a clean-up song? Or put some music on and dance as you put the toys away? The other thing I do with my kids is race. I tell my daughter (who is very competitive) that I'm going to beat her and that's usually all it takes.
Last, but not least, tell if she's too tired to clean up her toys then she has to go right to bed and take a nap. If it's already bedtime, start trying this out in the afternoon.
Good luck from a mom who's been there!

Us Either!
We work on it every day. Whatever they play with during the day, they have to pick up before dinnertime.
We also try to limit where they can have toys. We are working on keeping them in their rooms not bringing them into "public" areas of the house (i.e. Family Room/TV Room). This way if, for some reason, we don't get around to cleaning up all the toys at least they are not where I can see them after they have gone to bed.
Have you tried singing the Clean Up Song from Barney. Who knows it might help. Does she go to school? Ask how she does clean up there. I am sure you will find she is very willing to clean up any where but home. I know all three of mine are like that. Drives me a little BATTY!:)
Good luck!

Have you tried to make it a game? My 2 yr old had the same problem but now we sing the clean up song while he is picking up his toys. Sometimes when that doesnt work I tell him that his "powerrangers" are tired and need a nap. Then we tell them "goodnight" and put them in the special bag.Everything has a "home" and he makes them go there sometimes as a game for a time-out. Reward her when she picks up with praises and Good girl stickers of her favorite characters and she might just do it all on her own. Be consistant though. Make her do it every time not you do it and she does it when she wants. Good luck and I hope this helps.

god if you get a good answer let me know

You said you tried putting them in a garbage bag... and then what happened? You gave them back? How soon before she got them back? I think pretending to throw them away is a bad idea because it's ultimately an idle threat-- you won't really throw away perfectly good toys (nor should you!) And when she "lacks the stamina to follow through", do you just go ahead and do it for her?? If so, you've taught her that she can come up with excuses because in the end you will do it for her and she won't have to, and her toys will be there to play with all over again tommorow. I would get a box... Let her know that if she takes out a toy and doesn't clean it up when you ask her to, she will be given ONE reminder and then it goes in the box. (Excuses should be completely ignored. Or you can say, "I'm so sorry your tummy is hurting too much to take care of your toys because now they have to be in the box. That was our deal, remember? I reminded you and you didn't put them away so they will now go in the box" Then ignore whinning and more excuses, and especially you need to ignore the begging for you to change your mind!)Then follow through. The toys do NOT come out of the box the next day. They stay in the box until she "gets it." When you ask her to clean up and you only ask once, and she does this consistantly, then you bring out the box and tell her how proud you are of her and she can have her toys back now because you are confident that she is responsible enough to take care of them.

I would suggest making clean up time a game. This dates me a bit, but on Barney they had a silly clean up time song that the kids all sang together while picking up their toys.
The most important thing is to be consistent.

Give the same discipline every time - if you take away her priveleges, such as you can't play with the markers for 3 days (one day for every year old she is). When she re earns the right to use them and again doesn't pick them up - take them away for 3 more days. Just be consistent and she will eventually understand. It may take a few tries so be patient.
A little about me: I have 4 children 6,9,17 and 20 and am a stay at home mom/ volunteer.

Hi V. You said you have tried putting your daughters toys in bags have you ever thrown away any toys(or donated them to a local charity)I had a similar problem when my daughter was smaller.My husband and talk to our daughter before hand so that she new the price it would cost if she was unwilling to pick up her room. One day after many exchanges she refused we went in and put everything on the floor in a big bag and tok it right then to the local charity.It was a very hard lesson but I have never had the fight since.
Just an idea lots of luck and Many Blessing with your children
J. Mother of Abby and full time Doula

The best thing that works for my 5 and 4 year old is to make it a game. They share a room, and they have a lot of toys with lots of little pieces. Inevitably, the entire contents of their room will end up on the floor in a matter of minutes. This becomes overwhelming, even for me, to clean up. So we break it down into categories and assignments. I will assign one boy a category, like cars, to clean up and put away. This means he only has to clean up the cars, nothing else. The other boy I'll assign dress up. Then I say ready, set, go, and they race to clean up their assigned category. Then they come and tell me when it's done and I put on my "binoculars" (my hands like glasses on my face) and go inspect their work. If I spot a missed item from the assigned category I sound the alarm (vocally) and they race to get it and put it away. When their assignment (or mission) is complete, they get 1 m&m or 1 jelly bean and they have to run around the living room 2 times. Then they get a new assignment. The room goes from ankle deep toys to visible carpet surprisingly fast, and with only 4-5 m&ms handed out...not enough to spoil their next meal. The really great thing about this "game" is that my kids laugh the whole time.

Make it a game. Race the clock to put up the toys. "Lets see how fast we can do it" "can we do it in under 2 minutes" "Can we beat our time from last time"...stuff like that. Praise her when she puts something up. "I like it when you put your toys where they belong...what a big girl you are helping clean up" Kids like praise and games.

My kids (3 & 4 1/2) have great behavior. Part of this is their doing -- we're just lucky. But, every once in a while there's a plea for help to clean up messes at which point I ask if he/she has too many toys? If so, I'd be happy to take some from them. This gets a very speedy reaction in that each run to put toys away before I count to three...