Can This Friendship Be Saved? - Cincinnati,OH

maybe a new hang out spot woule be good? like if you are used to hanging out at her house (which only has baby toys, no wonder he's going crazy) maybe you should meet her at the park instead so he has something active to do. why does he need to sit still for you to have a friend? that's rediculous...

either ignore her comments or tell her you don't like her telling you how to be a mom. YOU are the mom after all...

I wonder how long you have been friends? You say you have a 5 year old, is she critical of your parenting of your daughter (or is your daughter a female Taz?) You might have had an excellent friendship confiding in each other, but now your child takes up your time, and she feels left out.

I think it must have taken some form of courage to be critical, unless she is just a terrible friend, but then why would you write? I would hope that your friend is not just saying something to be mean, but honestly trying to help you find a solution (reading parenting books that she is reading). First, her offering you something like that is being phrased in such a way that she is acknowledging that SHE is reading them, and feels that you might benefit from them as well. Tell her to mark the spots she thinks will help the most, because all parents can become better parents, and she honestly might be trying to help.

Second, I wonder how you would feel if you had the mild mannered child, and she had the child that was wild? Would you wish that she would rein him in so the two of you can just have a normal civilized chat? Would you think that she should be more of a parent and control her child better, because parenting means raising great little people, and soon your little guy is going to school, and do you want him to be a terror there? I understand that it is difficult for some children to control themselves and boys is a bit can of worms, but you are still responsible for teaching correct manners and having well behaved children.

Basically, if your friend is well intentioned, then you need to maintain your friendship. Would you prefer a stranger coming up to you off of the street and telling you to control your child or a friend who bites the bullet and suggests that you seeks some help?

However, only you can know if your friend is being snide, superior, or honestly caring. If it were a good friend to me, I would err on the side that my friend was looking out for me and trying to give me good advice.

I went through a period where I not want to be around my own nephews because they were not being expected to behave properly. They would hit, push, punch, pinch, kick, throw things, and could not sit still for a minute. Constant rough housing with each other until one of them got hurt. They had hurdles when the kids each went to school, and the younger one was sent home on nearly a daily basis. When my sister-in-law expressed irritation, I told her that I certainly did not want her son in my daughter's class disrupting when every other student NEEDS to be made ready for the next grade.

I guess I'm just asking you to put aside your hurt, anger, and frustration and look at it from another point of view.

Best of luck to you.

This is a toughy! If you are content with your son and his behavior, (which sounds like my son's...a very active, normal 3 year old little boy!) I would advise you not to say anything. Just smile to yourself and know that you are happy with the way things are going...that's what really matters. We all go through parenting cycles where we feel overwhelmed and that we could be doing better, and I'm sure at some point she will feel that way about herself as a parent as well. She may not know she is making you feel this way...she may even mean well, but you just need to be content with your son and what you are doing and it sounds like you are! Good luck with whatever you decide!

I would tell her to skip giving me parenting advice unless I asked for it. That when you crticize my child, it sounds like a ctricism of me, and life is too short to spend with people who want to be critical all of the time. For example, you think that it would be helpful of her to read a few books on etiquette, but out of respect for her feelings, you refrain from talking about that all of the time. True friends can agree to disagree. That she only has a problem with one of your children tells me that parenting skills are not the issue. Her attitude is.

Little boys are a lot more active than little girls, and your friend sounds a bit difficult. The next time your friend brings it up, just tell her that you've spoken to his pediatrician and your son's activity level is perfectly normal for a healthy boy of his age. Seriously.

It happens all the time. I have been on both ends of this. I will fess up: I have 2 children that are super active (boy and girl 5/3 yrs) they climb in ways that other parents find unsafe, run constantly and don't always listen to me whe I say "let's go now". But they are raised in a peaceful home (no action movies, guns, commercialized products). So I "judge" peoples kids when they act out in ways that reflect the negative sides of those things. Most often those kids are going through a phase with it. It may last 2 months of obsession with gun play or acting out a movie scene that I think is too rough, but it eventually fades away. I steer clear of those kids or set up activities wher it doesn't happen like a swimming date (they are too occupied with swimming). So I am telling you this because you can approach the situation from her side and leave the decision to her. "I can tell that my son's active behavior is a concern for you, do you want to get together for a movie just us and skip the playdates?". Or find places and situations where it doesn't matter. Your kids can be wild at a playground, and she can hang on the swings. Don't make a big deal about it because these children's phases will pass, both the activity and passiveness, and you may want your friendship intact.

Tell your friend that if she had a strong willed child, who was busy and had alot of energy, she'd know those parenting books don't help. Next time you are together, when your son gets out of hand, look at her and say, alright, what would your books say to do. I find that presenting parents of children who aren't like ours, with dealing with our little crazy men, makes them back track quickly. It's worked for me and for my mother-in-law when my husband was a kid.
Dr Dobson made me feel alot better when I read "The Strong willed Child" he reminded me that people who have kids who aren't busy don't get it and maybe never will. You aren't a bad mom because your son is busy. You are a mother of a child who has alot to do in a day :)

Maybe you should tell your friend to take your son for a couple days and see how she does with him! :)

Yes, every kid is different and what works for some may not work for another. You have to figure out what is important to you and your family, and encourage your child to adhere to those things.

Good luck!

i think if your friends enough for her to pretty much say "your a bad parent" then yea it would be fine for you to tell her how you feel. simply tell her that EVERY kid is different,that just because your kid is active or hyper doesnt mean that you need to read baby books... you can read all you want...it wont help lol Because no matter what babies do not come with instructions lol Just be cool and calm and tell her you dont appreciate what shes saying.If she is a real friend then she will understand and try to curb her judging :)

And so goes the keeping up with the joneses.

Stop comparing, stop letting her bring you down, you are doing nothing wrong. She may be correcting her child too much, who is to say.

Find other playmates for your little one and new friends for you. Life is to short to let things like this spoil your fun with your children at this age. nad it also appears she is looking down her noe at you too. That is not a friend, time to move on.

Maybe she will realize why and come back around on her own and on your terms. If not, Im sure you and your littlest will be the better for it. Dont let him take the blame and be the talk of someone that does not know and is certainly no expert, he may also feel her negative vibe and be responding naturally to it.

Get him away from them.

I had the same thing happen to me! My best friend would make comments on my child all the time and I finally said enough. I had made little comments like not every child is the same. She made me feel like a bad parent. I am a wonderful parent and I am told all the time by other people.We all have different types of children and we need to not worry about what people say about them because that is the way god intended for them to be in life now and when they are adults. So if you have a sprited child that means if you guide them in a positive way he or she will become a great leader someday!I am not friends with her anymore either but this had went on for years.

You should definatley say something to her. If it ruins the friendship than she is not the friend you thought she was. Us Mom's need to stick together and support one antoher not criticize. Every baby is different. My 19month old girl is full if energy and spunk and I wouldn't have her any other way. If my friends don't appreciate her energy and personality then my daughter comes first and they can leave the picture. You are your sons advocate, if you don't defend him who will? It seems like people have a time tough dealing with children that are full life, they want them to be quiet drones that do everything we tell them to. Yes,it would be nice if they always listened when we told them to do something but they have minds of their own and in time they can learn when it's appropriate to be loud and energetic and when it's tme to sit still. He's only 3 and even if the training starts now it still may take a few years. Not to be harsh but I really think you should call her out on her behavior in a kind and loving way. She just might realize how awful she's been and apologize. If not, she's probably not worth your time. Hope this helps.

I personally don't comment to my friends' on their parenting techniques that bother me unless they ask, just for the fact I don't want to hit "that" nerve. However, there have been many many many many times that I HAVE wanted to say something just because of the fact that so many kids nowadays are completely out of control. I have one boy and one girl, ages 5 and 6. I understand the difference between boys and girls, it's huge, BUT that doesn't excuse out of control behavior in boys (or girls). My kids know that when we're out and about, there is appropriate vs. inappropriate behavior.

Saying that, I would take what your friend is saying and really think about whether or not your disciplinary actions are appropriate and are working to keep your son's behavior at a level that isn't getting second glances everywhere you go. You should be able to take any child over the age of 3 out in public or someone's house and not have them running around screaming, climbing all over stuff, or any other behavior that is annoying and disrespectful to people around them. Kids should be taught boundaries. I had one friend whose son was so out of control and unbearable to be around that I stopped hanging out with her little by little until we stopped getting together completely. He would run through my house like crazy, take juice into the playroom and when I told him to put it in the kitchen he would completely ignore me, he'd push my kids out of his way while he was tearing through the house. It was ridiculous. My kids are extremely active and love to wrestle around, yell, and have fun at home, but if mommy says it's time to settle down, they listen. And they know they aren't allowed to play things like "karate island" at other people's houses or out in public. I think every single parent should read LOTS of parenting books. I have, and I'm thankful for the info I get from them. I don't care how good people think they are at parenting, we all have the same amount of knowledge and experience in general when we become parents and begin raising kids. To think we all have it under control without educating ourselves is absurd and in my opinion, a detriment to the kids because you can always better yourself for THEM. It's really not about how a parent feels about reading parenting books, it's about trying to be the best parent you can be for your kids. I have friends who completely frown upon books that are self help in anyway no matter what. Those friends also have pretty big ego's and think they are "above" books that can help them....go figure, they usually have the worst kids at parties.....

So, I would tell your friend that you are going to look into some news disciplining techniques, and I would put the time into really doing this, because she's obviously noticing that your son's behavior needs to get a little more controlled. In the meantime though tell her that as much as you love her and value her opinion, it really hurts your feelings when she implies you are not doing things right with your kids, so could she please try to not mention it anymore?

Be SURE you're not over reacting. There ARE no perfect parents, but regardless they should STILL be listening to you and obeying! If not, they're in charge! If you don't realize this, you're in for some serious problems and struggles down the road. DEAL WITH IT NOW, BEFORE it gets more out of hand. MIght want to get a copy of RAISING RESPECTFUL CHILDREN.

There MUST be consequences for not obeying and not listening. DO NOT waiver from your punishment/consequences. If you do, he'll think he can get by w/ it the next time and you're not serious. They grow up not respecting you, either. They KNOW they can't depend on you doing what you say.

You also need to talk w/ her and discuss that each of you have different parenting methods, etc. IF you are interferring with hers in any way, or vice versa, then maybe you need to set boundaries when you and the kids are together.

Dropping the friendship doesn't teach either of you much with regard to coping skills and resolving conflict. BOTH are skills that the kids need. HOW can you teach them if you don't have them? One of the BIGGEST reasons we have so many of the problems w/ kids AND adults today.......they lack coping skills.....so they shoot someone, run away, scream and yell instead of communicating, get divorced, quit the team, stop talking altogether, etc.

It's WORTH the effort. Think about the long & short term consequences of BOTH....saving or letting go.

Assuming your son is just loud and rambunctious like boys are and not truly misbehaving, I would just tell her your kids have diffrent personalities and point out what he is doing is not wrong, hurtful, defiant or disobedient. If he IS doing things that require discipline, then discipline him. If time outs and songs aren't working, then you need another form of discipline.

If none of that works, suggest that the two of you get together without the kids until either he calms down or your friend is willing to accept that every child is different.

D., you should probably work on his listening skills. If he isnt listening to you and the dicsipline(sp) that your doing isnt working, try taking stuff that he really enjoys away. If it is just the fact that he is a little more active, then explain to her in a nice way that it doesnt cause stress on you, then it is not her place to worry about it. I know that sometimes parents just want to help, and if she sees you miserable with an uncrontrollable child, I am sure she just wants to help.; Good luck B.

Wow, this sounds like something I am going through right now! My friend has actually invited me over to do scrapbooking only if I can find a sitter for my 3 yr. old. She followed that up by saying "he is just too busy for me, I can't handle him!" Her daughter is only 7 months, so I just said wait till she turns three. She will be busy also. I would love to spend time with her, but I am a package deal, my boys are with me!!! Good Luck!

in dhort girls and boys are diffrent and so are all children and leave it tat that if she can't understand then distance yourself from her.

D., remember the old rhyme: "girls are spice & everything nice; boys are snails & puppy tails." that says alot about kids in general. Boys, will be boys! That's what i was always told about my little brother when he was that age. He's 3 for heavens sake. Yes, he will be active; but if it seems that he is overly active; you may want to talk with your son's doctor about it. Have you tried cutting back on foods high in sugar & starch? Remember some starchs become sugar in the body. Remind her that all kids are different. Bet your daughter was not as active as your son is now. Raising kids is not easy & reading a book just gives you guidelines to follow; nothing more.

One thing that i have done is to grab the kid & make him sit in my lap & make him stay still for a few minutes. Next time he makes a lot of noise that bothers someone, try it & see if it helps or hurts. But be prepared for him to scream his head off at being confined in any way. As long as you have tried everything from quietly shushing him to a swift pat on the butt; then in my book you've done what is necessary. You can over correct a kid as well as under correct; just find the right balance & keep it constant that's the best solution.

What your friend doesn't realize is that boys and girls at 3 years old are VERY different.

I have a 5 year old girl (she'll be 6 in October), and my neighbor has twin boys who just turned 5. Those boys have SOOOOOO much energy!!!! And they play differently too! Neither is more "right or wrong", it's just different. I've done a lot of babysitting too - so it's not just "my kid" or just "her kids"...it seems more often than not that boys are just a lot more "spirited" than girls...yes, there's always exceptions to the rule, but that's what it seems to me. (Just as a reference: Time outs can be very effective if they're done just as Supernanny says...and it's one minute per year of age.)

I'm not sure what the right approach is. Maybe if she brings it up, say something to the effect of "May your next child be a masculine child...then may you come to know what it's like to raise a masculine child" (like the godfather)
Sort of one of those things that you can say whatever you want as long as your joking about it.

Or maybe just let her know that you "appreciate her concern" but would she mind terribly knocking it off.

The alternative would be to just start spending less time with her. If she asks what's going on, you can say you've been busy or other things have come up. If she really presses and it starts going down hill, just let her know politely as possible that you appreciate her concern, but you don't like the way you feel when you're around her. Her comments make you feel like you're a bad parent, and that your son's a terror, and you don't think either of those are true. So, unless or until that changes, you guys won't be able to spend as much time together as you used to.

For what it's worth....and good luck!

Does she only have the one child? No two children are alike, some are sedentary and some are movers and shakers! My daughter moved around some but was content to sit and play with her blocks, color a picture, put together a puzzle, play with her dolls for periods of time before she moved on to walking the dolls in their buggy (naturally in the kitchen under foot while I was trying to fix dinner or on the freshly mopped floor), playing in the yard with the dog, etc. My son was a mover and a shaker, he liked the blocks but it was more fun to knock the tower down than it was to build it because then we got to gather the blocks back up and that meant moving around! It was better to race the cars across the floor and zoom to the other side to race them back. It was good at nap time or at bedtime to snuggle and listen to a story, but wasn't it better while awake to see where that fly was headed and what it was going to do when it got there than to color a picture?
Children are not little robots to turn on and off at our convenience. It has nothing to do with parenting skills, it has to do with the personality of the child!
You did say you ask him to sit still and he just won't listen. How long a period are you asking him to sit still for? Five minutes is an enternity to a little one. But if you can get him to take a five minute break so you can breath it would be good. Show him a timer, tell him he needs to sit and quietly play with his blocks, his cars, or color you a picture and set the timer. At the end of five minutes he can get up and go do something else. You could try doing this once an hour and see if he can learn to handle it better so when he starts school he understands the concept better. After a month or so lengthen the time to ten minutes every other hour, etc. I don't sit perfectly still either. After a few minutes (unless I am reading) I will find myself swinging my leg, tapping my fingers, toying with a pencil, etc. Even watching a movie I will be moving around, it isn't reasonable to expect someone else to sit still and be perfectly quiet if I find myself not doing it.
You didn't mention if he was loud and constantly interupting or just busy. If he is loud and rude this may be bothering her, and it could be a problem for him later as well. If that is the problem then he needs to learn not to be and maybe he has to be sent into his room for five minutes if he can't play quieter or go into time out for five minutes until he can play quieter.
Maybe it would be best to limit visits with your best friend to telephone calls to catch up and getting together for a girl's night out with no children to enjoy each other's company than spending time together during the day with the children unless it is a trip to the park or the zoo when the children are expected to move around more.
Just a option to save the friendship and not make you feel as if you are a "bad" or "out of control" parent.
No parenting book in the world can change the personality or energy level of a child!

I think a lot of parents, teachers and well-intentioned grand parents are very judgemental. I run into this all the time. Parents give me these disapproving looks and make sly comments. It's all I can do to keep track of my boys. They are super energetic, dramatic and little goofs all the time.

My boys are different in their reactions to discipline, direction and their confidence levels. I can't do what other people suggest. I have read multiple books, go on parenting blogs, talk to family counselors, etc. Everyone has different advice. I try to keep things consistent and use my best judgement of how to run my household. What may work for someone else and their children is not going to work the same way for you. Take it with a grain of salt.

I would tell her you have read them, tried different methods, and your children do not respond to those techniques. Tell her your children are more active, and there's nothing a discipline technique can do to change their personalities, cognitive associations or energy.

We have to raise children as individuals because every person is not a clone of the next. We can't teach, direct or encourage every person the same. We each have different motivations, understanding and ways of processing information. You can't go through life teaching a method. You have to teach the child. When we try to treat each child exactly the same, we end up not being fair to either of them. We have to find out what is the best for each child and encourage them according to their own needs and desires.

When I put my 5 year old in timeout, you would think it was the end of the world. His little ego completely falls. It takes days for his ego to pick up. He is completely burdened and hurt. His emotions completely melt his self-esteem and outlook. He needs direction and reprimands given in a very subtle and gentle way. Sometimes he is being more defiant, and I have to be rather stern. That's about all it takes.

My 4 year old is the complete opposite. He must have ADHD because he has difficulty listening, holding still, following through on tasks, etc. He has a kind and compassionate heart, but he has so much energy that he tends to be overly aggressive... even when trying to show love and compassion. He will hug too tight, throw the ball too hard, play wrestle just a little too rough. He's a tough little guy. He needs stern direction and continual reminders that poor behavior and bad choices result in timeout. He can't sit still in timeout, and I generally have to hold him in my lap and make him sit still. It's not that he is trying to be defiant. I think it's that he just doesn't have the ability to use patience and wait.

I think as parents we have to identify if he is using every possibly form of restraint and attempts at good decisions to be good. I have been battling with whether to put my son on meds for ADHD. I finally decided that others will always see him as being defiant because of his high energy levels. I don't want him labeled and treated as a bad kid, so I am having him tested for ADHD and possibly other learning disabilities. With time and effort, he can learn how to control his behaviors, burn off his energy in positive ways and react appropriately. Eventually, he will be able to stop medications once he learns how to better approach learning, patience, etc.

Perhaps your child has ADHD. It might be something to look into before school starts and he's too far into the school system. Once children are labeled, I feel like there is a lot of prejudice against us. People will not admit their personal judgements and prejudices, but you--as a parent--can see that our children are not treated the same. Perhaps your friend is trying to give you helpful advice to help you see this. If the different parenting methods do not work, you need to look into something else so your child can be successful at school and other activities. There is an expectation to react a certain way when we go to social functions. If your child cannot try to change his ways, he may be reprimanded for things you do not feel are a big deal. However, the school system can be very harsh with detention, in-school suspension and out of school suspension for trivial things like speaking out of turn, not following directions, not listening, not being quiet, etc. I am sure your child is a very good and well-intentioned person, but others may not view him as that. It's unfortunate that society makes everyone fit into this little box of acceptance. Our children have to put on the good front to assure they have every opportunity for success.