Can a Wife Say No to a Husband's Vasectomy?

If I may quote Phil Dunphy on Modern Family talking to his wife about his own snip-snip...

"Its not a vasteco-you, its a vasetecomy (me)".

Seems to me like this is a decision you should make together. IMO, you should be in agreement and come to terms with it before it happens.

I agree with Mandy B. You need to sit down and talk about it. But in the long run the dr is not going to ask you if it's ok.

Here's my take on it:
(and forgive me for being incredibly pragmatic about this... )

When my husband told me he was looking into getting a vasectomy, 8 months after our only child was born, part of me was really sad. I LOVE babies, I love kids, I loved being pregnant and birthing.

However, I was also very aware of what having another child entailed, in both the financial and day-to-day living. And I knew what a very real weight my husband would carry if we had any more children.

We ended up having some discussions before the vasectomy, and it sounds like you and your husband need this discussion, just so you could feel you had been heard by him. I do know that it is very common for couples (one, other or both) to feel a sense of loss when the babies are no longer babies and they decide not to have any more. Having the vasectomy makes it final.

So, while I will say that it's less to me about "his body, his right", you do have to ask the question: would you want to risk having another child if he really does not want any more children? How would that affect your relationship with him? How would it affect the entire family? You don't want to resent him, and I'm sure he doesn't want to resent you.

It sounds like he's being really honest with you about the fact that he's happy with the size of your family. Time to be honest with him. It doesn't need to change his decision, but if you don't voice your feelings now, I am afraid that this could come up at a later time when nothing can be done and you will both feel terrible with each other. Just talk to him.

(PS: I won't say this is true for everyone, but for myself and a lot of women I know, once we accepted the reality that 'we're done', it hurt less and became easier to be content with what we have. We have a lot.)

I agree with you. But as women we understand that if we have the right to decide our reproductive issues, men should also have that right.

I think the both of you should sit down with a counselor before he has the procedure. You need to work out this issue, anger and resentment are not good for your marriage.

It seems clear to me that he doesn't want any more children. Just like you have a choice to have or not have children, so does he. I wouldn't want to have another child if I didn't KNOW my spouse was 100% on board.

Come to terms with the situation. If you really NEED more infants in your life, babysit.

If one member of a couple wants kids (or more kids) and the other doesn't, the NO vote wins by default. Sounds like he has definitely decided that he doesn't want any more kids.
If the situation were reversed, and he wanted another baby in a couple of years, and you knew that you didn't, would you be okay with him opposing you getting your tubes tied?

ETA: When I decided to have an endometrial ablation to end periods from hell (and any chance of ever getting pregnant again), I scheduled the procedure with my doctor, and once I had a date and time, I asked my then-husband if he was free to drop me off and pick me up at the hospital that day. He asked me, "Why are you asking me if you can do this? It's not my decision." I replied, "I'm not asking you for permission. It's already scheduled. All I'm asking you for is a ride since I'll be too doped to drive myself home."

@Theresa B: You said, "It would be no different if you had said "This is my body and I don't want to have any children!" When you're 1/2 of a whole unit then both 1/2's need to have a say."
Actually, IMO, she would have EVERY right to refuse to ever have children if she didn't want to have children, whether HE wanted any or not.

@PrincessMama: You said, "Women are breeders. It's what we do. It's what we think about." Who is "we?" I never planned to be a parent at all. I took steps to prevent ever becoming a parent. Those steps failed, and I have one child. I never had the desire for another.

Can a husband say NO to an abortion (without going through the legal system)?

There is always adoption or fostering children.

You are right it is his body.
I think he is pretty sure he doesn't want anymore children. It takes a lot for a guy to do as much planing as he has done.

If the shoe were on the other foot, and you had decided no more kids, and had gone to the trouble of scheduling your appt to have your tubes tied...
I would be surprised if you could be talked out of it without resentment either.

I think you are mourning this phase of your life. It's a beautiful phase. But there will be other beautiful phases. You will get over it.

I believe that it is his body, and his choice. If he wanted more children and you didn't, he wouldn't have the right to tell you not to have your tubes tied.

It would be nice if you were both on the same page with this, but being that you're not, I think you need to try and be supportive of his choice.

I think you and your husband need to sit down ASAP and discuss this. Have you told him you might want more kids one day? Maybe hearing that will make him wait a little longer.

This shouldn't be a decision that he makes on his own, in my opinion. I'm having a c-section in a week and a half (our third child) and I have the option of having my tubes tied while I'm in surgery. I would have never made that decision without my husband's input. He said he's not sure, so I decided not to do it just yet. I'd much rather regret not having the surgery than regret having it, because it can always be done later when we ARE sure.

It shouldn't be one or the other of you making this decision, it should be one that you come to together, and if either of you aren't sure, just put it off until you are. That is, if he is agreeable to that.

It sounds like you have talked about it to some degree based on your question. He sounds really sure about not wanting more kids. Most men don't voluntarily mess with things down there without being sure. So even IF you convice him to wait - if he really doesn't want any more kids it probably doesn't matter. I wonder if finances play a role, maybe it makes him nervous thinking about supporting more than 3, which is already a lot. Maybe age plays a role too?

I wish I could get my husband to go! Good luck

i have a few thoughts on this. first, yes, it's "his" body, but i would not in a million years dream of getting my tubes tied or ANYTHING else (not even a tattoo) without talking to my husband about it. not because he needs to give me permission - because i respect him and want his opinion on it. now, that said, i'm pretty stubborn, and he's pretty likely to give me anything if i want it badly enough, so that is where I'M coming from. probably has something to do with my opinion. if my husband and i were in your husband's and your place, we would not be going forward, unless we got on the same page.

next, i understand your hormones are crying out to "possibly" have more kids someday. just think about this, please. i believe this as strongly as anything else: having more children will not make you more happy. that goes for EVERYONE. one child, six children. you are either happy within yourself or you aren't. wanting more children is just that - a "want". it's not a need. your life will be great with OR without another one. not saying you're this person, but it just frustrates me so badly when a person thinks "oh i HAVE to have another baby - my life won't be complete without it!" your life IS complete. you just have to see it that way. we are all blessed beyond imagination to be mothers at all - let's don't forget that. it's a giant disservice to our (current) children, imo, to think otherwise.

My hubby wanted the V when our daughter was about 2. It was with my blessing because we both felt our family was complete. I even stayed on the pill until my hysterectomy to make sure no escapees got to me....

Our surgeon talked to both of us and his rule of thumb is... if 1 person is unsure, he won't do the procedure. Why... I suppose resentments can build up, etc and damage a relationship. Yes, it is his body... but it is also a mutual decision since you are partners and are raising a family together.

That said, you have 3... what a blessing. Can you afford more and take care of the obligations to go along with it financially as well as emotionally? A child needs a good, stable, secure home.

I have a relative preparing to give birth to #5 and her position is "if there is a will there is a way"... Good grief.. these children are in borderline poverty. All the love in the world does not put food on the table and clothes on their backs, not to mention an education so they can be productive adults when they are out of the nest. This mentality just goes in cycles and no one ever gets out of it.

Now if someone can financially and emotionally care for 3, 4, 5 or more... God bless them. We have a responsibility as parents.

For us, it was the absolute right thing to do because I knew from the get go that I was complete with 1 child and if I ever changed my mind, ,I was open to adoption or fostering.

COMMUNICATION is key here.... maybe he feels the financial pressure he has now and he just wants to protect the family he has and is being responsible. You go with him to the appt and voice your concerns as well.

Best wishes

Fortunately for me my husband and I both agreed that we were not ready for permanent sterilization, so I opted for an IUD. Long term, nothing to do /remember once it is in, very reliable and most importantly -- easily reversible. I have heard waaaay too many stories of men and women spending a lot of time, money, and heartache trying to undo a tubal ligation or vasectomy. Often unsuccessfully.
While you are right saying that it is his body and you can't "make" him not get a vasectomy, you certainly can and should voice your reservations. You can't let him go ahead with this without letting him know how you feel, it is not fair to either of you. It is very normal to grieve the end of this stage of your life. It is okay to feel sad about it, even if you don't really want another baby, closing chapters is always hard. I am right there with you, we have 4, youngest is 2, I would kinda like another, and hubby admits he is sad to think we won't have anymore, but we also know/agree that 4 is enough.
Find a time to talk to your husband when you won't be interrupted. Let him know your feelings, discuss them. You should not go in to this with the mission of changing his mind, just sharing your thoughts. You might come away agreeing with him, or possibly changing his mind, maybe deciding on another method of birth control. Regardless of the outcome you will regret it if you don't talk to him -- soon.

I had my first biological child when I was 41. I knew she was going to be my only, not just because of age but all other life aspects. My then-husband had his V six weeks after she was born. I don't remember ever going to the clinic, signing anything, being involved at all in the actual procedure. We had discussed it earlier, of course, but my permission was not needed. The clinic made all patients go through an education session beforehand to be sure they knew what was involved and that it IS permanent (the method they use now makes reversal almost impossible).

I still mourned. I had loved being pregnant and giving birth. I felt that the choice had been taken from me to have a second, by so many different life events and choices. The finality of it, yes. But a wise counselor I once knew had said "just because you mourn does not mean it was a wrong decision."

I love having one child (my 2 step kids are grown now). We are so close and life is so easy compared to my friends who have multiples. I also have 5, yes 5, grandchildren already, so I am happy to move on to the next phases of my life.

As others have said, you both need to be on board with having another child. So if he's 100% then you need to come to terms with it.

If it helps you psychologically, it is possible to get a vasectomy reversal.

Also, maybe you can focus on enjoying your "new" sex life that doesn't involve worrying about contraceptives?

Sorry you are dealing with this!

Have you told him that you're not sure if you're done?

My ex waited eventhough we agreed we were done at two. I had told him I wasn't ready to not have the option. I had always wanted three, but he was completely done at two. He gave me 5+ years to come to terms. I respected his choice and therefore supported him geting a vasectomy, but we talked about it before making the appointment.

I had a tubal ligation when I had my second child. I did not consult with my husband at all. He found out while they were doing it after birth. If both parties don't want more children, you're done.

You need to talk to him. If he doesn't get the snip, what will YOU do to prevent pregnancy til/if/when he's ready to revisit the idea? And if he's really done, what will he do to support your feelings?

If one person in the relationship doesn't want any more children, unfortunately, that tends to be the deciding factor. (and I agree that it should be, honestly)

So no, if he's done, you need to respect that in him.
And for the record, vasectomies are reversable up until about the 18mos mark.

It is his body, he is done having children. So yes, I do not think he needs permission or agreement from you.

Fact is that if you want more children and cannot imagine not having more babies, then you need to find a different partner. Your DH has made his decision on more kids and unless you planned on somehow tricking him into another pregnancy he is not going to have more babies with you - vasectomy or not.

I am not saying all of that to be mean,I understand you more then I want to, my DH is done with kids as well . No vasectomy, but his does not want more nonetheless. I don't think I will leave him over this, but unfortunately I KNOW that that would be the only way I could ever have another child. For years I have been trying to tell myself that it's for the best this way, I tell everyone *I* don't want another one... but over the last year or so, as I reach the end of my childbearing years I realize that I am lying to myself.

It's rough, I don't know if the resentment and grief over not having another child will ever cease for me... but it is what it is.
I hope you handle it better than me.
Good luck.

His body his choice.......sound familiar?

If you are in "somewhat in agreement" what's the problem? Put it in perspective and look at it for what it is. Do you want 4 or 5 kids....that will all have to go to college eventually? And if you do want more children, speak now or forever hold your peace. If there is no possibility of more kids, let it go.

Yeah, he has the right to do it if he doesn't want more kids. I wouldn't say that if you didn't already have your family. However, just because he has had the snip-snip done doesn't mean that you still can't get pregnant. Lots of women find that they are pregnant because something didn't work right, or because they didn't wait long enough before having unprotected sex.

At least you had a long heads-up here.

I know you don't want to resent him, but you don't want him to resent you if you two got pregnant without him having it done. He really does NOT want 4 children, and he has that right.

Just enjoy the 3 you have. I'm sure they keep you hopping!!

Dawn

Can you say "no"? Of course you can, but that doesn't mean that he'll cancel the appointment. The bottom line is that if you want another child, but he doesn't then it's probably not in the cards. Both of you need to want another for it to happen.

When my husband had his done, the urologist met with the two of us to discuss the procedure. He interviewed us separately to make sure that we were both OK with the status of our family, which we were. The reason that he met with us extensively is because my husband is 38 and I am 33, so medically/reproductively speaking we are young to be making the decision. Once we told him that I nearly died both times during childbirth, he didn't have any more questions.

Talk with your husband about this, but if he is finished having babies then you can't do anything to prevent him from having a procedure done to his own body any more than he could prevent you from having your tubes tied.

I would sit down with your husband and talk about how you feel about him having a vasectomy. It is a decision that the both of you should feel comfortable about.

However, you should know that if in time you both decide that you want another child, and he has already had a vasectomy that their is something called a Vasectomy Reversal. My father actually performs these, and they are quite successful.

My friend's husband got a vasectomy after child #5 was 2 years old. She is now pregnant with number 6. It takes approx 20 ejaculations for the vasectomy to work. So.... in my friend's situation - he wasn't quite in the clear yet and now they have #6 on the way. She felt the same way you do. I guess they were meant to have six kiddos? I dunno what to say. Anything could happen.

Yes, I went through this almost exactly a year ago. We knew we were "done," two is a good number for us...but if despite the procedure one of his swimmers got through at the right time...we would both be over the moon happy. NOT the same thing as trying for a baby. There is a kind of mourning over knowing you probably won't have any more babies.
If we want to be liberated ladies who make decisions about our own reproductive futures it only seems fair to have the same standard for the gentlemen.
Now that I know that barring any statistically unlikely occurences I will have no more babies, I get my "fix" from assorted nieces and nephews, and now that a year has passed, it's really ok. If you and your husband have a good solid marriage, I doubt you'll resent him.
And by the way, I think if you want more and you can take care of more, you should have as many as you want...it's not like 3 kids is some magic number where that's "enough". It's whatever is enough for you and your family.

My husband offered to get one too but I am not ok with sterilization. For philosophical reasons as well as the finality as you mentioned. Have you thought of getting and IUD? On the other hand, you do have 3 kids, all healthy I assume. I think you guys need to give it a bit more time but in the meantime, an IUD would work well.

He has as much a right to get a vasectomy without your permission as you do to get pregnant without his.

This is a potential divorce bomb.

If he's 100% certain that he doesn't want more children than the ones you already have, then you need to have that conversation with him. You need to hear it so that you can emotionally move on and learn to think about closing the door on adding to the family.

He doesn't need your permission, but a good doctor won't perform the vasectomy without knowing that both spouses are at least willing to have the procedure done.

In the State of CT, the answer to your question is yes. I had to give legal consent in order for hubby to have his vasectomy. Works both ways, my girl friend's hubby had to give consent for her to have her tubes tied.

Personally, I think that this is something that a couple needs to decide on together. Hubby and I discussed the issue at great lengths before we made the decission together. And yes, the finality of it is scary. On the upside having made the decission can be a huge sense of relief and lets you continue along life's journey without having to worry about it and focus on the beautiful children you have.

When my husband had his, the doctor wanted to see me too before he did the procedure. He would not do it, unless as a married couple, we both agreed. Our youngest was 1 and we knew we were set with our three. Would I have more if I could? Sure, I'd have a million more- but the lifestyle I want to provide my kids is do-able with 3, not sure I could do it with more.

I think you both need to be in agreement, it's a big decision and not easily, if at all, reversable.

I didn't read through all of your responses, but yes, I had to sign a form "agreeing" to my husband's vasectomy before he could have the procedure. I wish you the best of luck with this...I can tell you that my husband was ready to shut that door before I was, but within a year I just woke up one day and knew that our family was complete. I hope you both are able to have peace with this decision.

For the sake of your marriage, please consider this. A husband & wife, if they are getting marriage right, give each other freely & totally to each other, so the words, "This is MY body" should only be used if followed by the words "which is given for you." If you're a Christian, that may sound familiar. Try reading through this linked pdf document about vasectomy. Since it's set up to print as a pamphlet, you need to read the top right-most segment, then read across the bottom page, and finally, return to the top left-most segment. http://media.ccli.org/resources/brochures/CCL-Vasectomy.pdf You might also be interested in viewing the 9 minute video clip at this website. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFaIDMeb_GE&lr=1

Our husbands should get together for a beer, with the hope that your spouse's enthusiasm is contagious. I have been DYING for my husband to have a vasectomy and he wants nothing to do with the procedure.

I am thinking of the resentment of which you speak. It's your choice to cultivate it, regardless of what action your husband takes.

PS: I know I could get my tubes tied. But truthfully? After 30-plus years of menstruation, two pregnancies, one Cesarian delivery, and decades of hormonal and chemical birth control, my girlyparts have done more than their fair share of the work around here:^)

This is a decision you should make as a couple. You could always get an IUD for a few years and make the decision to steralize pemanently later.

I would ask him to wait awhile until you are both on the same page. Complications from vasectomies can also be very hard and I wouldn't want to risk it. I personally think that being in a relationship means compromise and going forth together on decisions. Since you have not decided you are done, I think a permanent fix on his part would be out of the question, out of respect for you and your relationship.

I had Essure done back in August I told my husband I was done having my babies had 4 and due to the risks of having another noway.I did ask my Dr. if a consent form was needed from husband no it wasn't he never talked me out of it he knew it was my choice my body going through what it does during pregnancy/delivery.Plus many other things but I won't get into that.Talk to him about it if your really considering on having more.

I haven't read your responses, but here's my 2 cents for what it is worth. You need to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband. It should be a jointly made decision to have or NOT have more children.

Tell him you are not 100% sure that you want to be done. Ask that he wait to have any procedures done until you both are in agreement. In the meantime you both can discuss your pros and cons of expanding your family. Who knows he may change his mind or you might change yours and opt for the vasectomy. Either way this is a decision that you both need to make.

It would be no different if you had said "This is my body and I don't want to have any children!" When you're 1/2 of a whole unit then both 1/2's need to have a say.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B