Can a Second Child Put a Family "Over the Edge?"

I feel like it's never a 'good' or 'right' time to have a baby for anyone for an array of reasons; follow your heart. Sometimes it's good to be a little scared; keeps you on your toes ;) 38 is NOT too old to have a baby! My fiance was 38 when our son was born... HIS father was 59 when his yongest brother was born. You're fine :) Have fun trying!!

If you have number two, you'll love him/her so much, you'll wonder how you ever lived without another one. Your daughter will be old enough to help. People have way more kids with way less.

If you do not have number two, the three of you will live happily as you are now. You may have some pangs of regret and what ifs, but your life will be no different than it is, and you're happy!

I have 3 under 5 with my 3rd at 39, believe me if we had planned and blue printed income and fatigue vs being sensible, we wouldn't have even had one, but we have Just the right amount and they're all blessings.

Having them has inspired us both to do things for our future we wouldn't have bothered with otherwise so the benefits outweigh the loss of extra money and time right now to us.

You'll be OK no matter what. Is all I'm sayin'. If your hubs is open, he'll LOVE having two. My hubs loves having 3, and he wanted none!

Well I guess I am going to be the naysayer. My SIL really wanted a second child (her oldest was 5); her husband did not but he "gave in" and they had a second child. They divorced before the baby turned one. There were other reasons for the divorce but having that second baby when one partner was merely acquiescing to the creation of a life did not help.

Now, I know this next part is not something anyone wants to think about but here goes. Babies are little bundles of joy but you never know what you are going to get. Your baby might have colic, a heart defect, autism, refuse to eat anything that isn't yellow (or you could have triplets!), etc. How would you feel if your baby had special needs? Do you think that is something your family would embrace or would that be a roadblock you couldn't get past? I really think that that is something that needs to be considered because it is a possibility (unless you would do genetic testing and choose to abort).

Also, your health and that of your husband. Yes, there is no way of knowing what will happen in the future but if you and hubs do not have the energy now you won't suddenly get it when the baby is here.

Would you be able to raise two children on your own if it came to that?

I am in no way trying to sway you one way or the other. Just pointing out some things.

Good luck!

Well, the answer to the initial question is yes, a second child CAN put a family over the edge. But will it put YOUR family over the edge? Only YOU can answer that - if you BOTH really want this child, then I'm sure you would raise it with enthusiasm and love and keep things in perspective as this is a new member of your family. BUT, if only one of you wants this child, then it could become a point of resentment and create bigger problems overall. Sounds like you need to find out if your husband is on board for your happiness or because he truly wants to add to the family. I would LOVE to have more kids, but my husband has told me honestly that he just doesn't think he can handle it (financially, emotionally, physically), so we are done with our two and I am thrilled to be their mommy and thankful for my wonderful husband for providing so that I can be home and raise them! Having another baby is NOT worth jeopardizing my marriage, or even stressing my husband out, I want to make sure we are both able to care for the kids we already have before bringing more into the world. And a side note on fostering - it is definitely something I think more people need to step up and do (I have some experience in this field) BUT don't look at it as a "project," or that the kids are "disposable" if you don't like it - and don't expect it to be like raising your own child, these kids come with lots of emotional (and sometimes physical - drug babies have lifelong after effects) baggage and if you aren't ready to put in the effort to raise another child of your own, you probably aren't ready to put in the extra effort it takes to raise a foster child.

We have four kids. We are very happily married and balanced. I think it has more to do with what else is going on than the number of kids. We don't have anything else that could hinder us from growing as a couple/family. We fair very well with our four, and are quite happy with ourselves and our children. The scheduling is tough at first, but that stage seemed to go away pretty quickly, and we had a handle on things pretty well with each addition.

Finances would be our only concern. My husband had a vasectomy because we didn't think we could afford a fifth. Other than that, we love kids, and each other- I have no clue how many kids we'd end up having if money wasn't an issue!

ADDED: I disagree with the advice "if it ain't broke..." referring to the fact that you are happy with your one. If at any time someone should have a child is in a happy loving environment. Is this implying that you have to be unhappy to have more kids?!? The precise reason we had kids IS because we are happy!

I'm the wrong person to ask... I'm 39, our daughter is 3 1/2 and our son was born 4 1/2 months ago. I am certainly over the edge. Hah! Yesterday I locked myself in the bathroom, crying, regretting getting married, let alone having kids! I am sooooo tired. I just want a few hours alone, without someone chewing on my nipples or whining, and I want a stiff cocktail. Several, actually.

On the other hand... our baby boy is such a love. Our daughter loves him, too. And even though it is so difficult now, I know (from doing it before) that it will get easier and more fun as time goes by. I'd suggest you and your husband think about it long-term. I think it is very hard for everyone at the beginning. But your decision will shape your family for so many years in the future.

Good luck, whatever you choose!

Hmmm -well, from someone who had her first at 36 and second at 38 -and is now 41 -if you're barely making it energy-wise now, then you may want to give this a second or third thought. Also, financially, it does matter. Adding a second is tiring, although you are in good shape by having a 5 year old who is potty trained and more self-sufficient than a toddler. Two is tiring! If it's something you really, really want and you just can't imagine not happening -then go for it, because you'll adjust and find a way to deal with being tired, but if you're not completely sure -you may not want to do it. You know the drill with an infant and a busy toddler -it's not restful! Also, if your husband is only giving the go-ahead because he thinks you'll resent him instead of because he REALLY wants another child -then I wouldn't do it. You're going to need his help more than ever if you have another, and if this has been a source of tension, then the tension it will add could make things really ugly.

****And not every kid needs a brother or sister! There are millions of us only children out there who have always been perfectly happy without siblings.

I don't think there is truly a way to answer your question. A child is a blessing, and should you decide to have another child, you will love and cherish that child and someway manage to make it all work.

As you already know, along with the blessings comes a lot of stress. The stress comes in many forms, sleep deprivation, financial, time restraints, etc. You also need to take into consideration your health issues, the fact that you have little energy now, a pregancy could make you exhausted. In addition, having a baby after age 35 could add complications.

I know it sounds like I'm trying to talk you out it. That's truly not the case. I just think you need to consider all the pros and cons.

I think it's ok to love the little one you have and be happy with how life is now. I personally had my kids close together, not planned, but my youngest is 6 and I can't even imagine having enough energy and brain power to deal with an infant all over again. I"m sure if it happened (although it won't due to vasc.) that i would deal and that life would be great. but If you are scared then maybe you know that the best thing for you and your family is your one beautiful little girl.

If you barely have enough energy to get through the day, then your qualms are probably worth paying attention to. Adding another child to your happy and blessed trio may enhance your lives in some significant ways (babies are so amazing!), but detract from your overall happiness and sense of security, at least for the first few years. And if the baby is high-needs, or has any health problems, or even if the pregnancy affects your health for the worse, it is indeed possible to go over an edge from which there is no easy return.

I'm now in my 60's and have been close to many families over many decades. Most of the women I've known have not had all the babies they potentially wanted; life simply provides limits for most of us that we wisely realize we should not exceed, and those limits may become narrower over time for any number of reasons.

I have also known women who bravely forged ahead (or proceeded with accidental pregnancies) who, in their most honest moments, wished for an "undo" button so they could go back to an earlier, simpler time. Of course they dearly love all their children, and they somehow get by, whether coping with birth defects or other expensive health issues, a particularly demanding, non-sleeping baby, loss of a parent's health or job, a divorce, or the more recent melt-down of the economy, which had two young families I know living in shelters for awhile. I've lost touch with one family; the other is couch-surfing with relatives and probably will be for some time yet.

One last factor to consider is that if you do find yourself regretting one more child, that's a stressful and lonely emotional burden for a mother to carry. (And some don't carry it graciously – my own mother told me and my 3 siblings often during our childhoods that we ruined her life and she would have chosen not to have at least 2 of us.)

Contentment is actually a choice, a matter of focus. It sounds like your focus is actually very well tuned, since you realize the happiness and blessings in your family of three. You can choose to keep your attention there. All of us probably wonder at times how wonderful some unborn child might have been, but those of us in my age group who have had the most fulfilled lives don't spend much time or energy there. And this is even true of two women friends who never managed to have bablies of their own. They chose work that had them lovingly involved with children anyway, and they have been largely happy.

I stopped with one daughter myself, and honestly never regretted it, though I adore babies and children. Much of my life work has had me involved with children in one way or another. I also fostered a daughter for nearly a year – she was an extremely dysfunctional 13, and it did not go well, unfortunately.

Whatever you choose, I sure do wish you the best.

Our family is in a rather similar situation (one 4-year-old daughter, and we are 37 and 39 and have similar issues with strains on our time, energy, and finances, which would definitely make me hesitant about adding a second child to the picture). I would just like to say that there's nothing wrong with taking the "if it works, don't fix it" approach - if you're happy with your life now and don't want to change it this way, that's a perfectly valid choice. If you truly want another child, great, but don't do it just because you and/or your husband feel like you "should". Only you and he can decide on the right choice for your family, whatever that turns out to be.

We were in the same boat a few years ago - exact same fears, older parents, etc. We decided to keep our family just the way it is - just the three of us. Our daughter has always been SO easy, we figured we probably wouldn't be as lucky with our second. Somehow, I just knew that I wouldn't be the mom I want to be if we had a second child ... not just having a baby in the house, but looking forward to school activities for two, out of school activities for two ...

I bow down to those with more than one child, to be honest. I have no clue how they do it all.

I should mention that I am an only child, so am well aware of perceived "pitfalls" and how to avoid them. On the flip side, I also know the benefits. Having an only is definitely not for everyone, but it works perfectly for us!

I wish you the best of luck with your decision!

Sounds like you have a great family now. Is having another baby the only way to "enhance our lives and add to our joy"?? I think not, but only you know what is best for your family. Either way you will be happy, but you have to make that big decision. Yes, you will be more tired with another and likely will have to give up some of the freedom's you have now for a few years, but if another child is really important to you, then you may have regrets later if you don't have one.

I only have step children, and have some MINOR regrets that I did not have any of my own, but I don't dwell on that. I can't discuss labor and pregnancy, but I can discuss diaper changes, bed wetting, balancing schedules, homework, etc. and I love the ones I have and accept the choices I made earlier in life. Good luck with your decision.

I love the response from all these moms. I will say......be sure your hubby is really and truly open to having another child because if not that can break up a family. And he might end up saying........"I told you I didn't want another child". I would hate to see that happen. What happened to a friend of mine is she ended up doing ALL of the work w/all 4 kids. Only now that the youngest is 6 are they back on the same page being able to go out on date nights and go away for the weekend. So I say opne up the dialogue to be sure then make the decision together jointly! :)

Perhaps if you were younger-and it seems as though you have everything sort of neatly carved out and in place. Yours is a tough question. Back in the day-we took what nature gave us. Sometimes-I think it was easier. Good luck with your decision-one way or the other-I'm sure you will do the right thing.

Sounds like 1 is the best number for you, then. If it ain't broke...

A year ago we were in a similar situation... I was 37 and we had a 3year old boy. I was keen to have a second child, but my husband who is an only child, was reticent. I also had a difficult first pregnancy followed by Post natal depression.
We discussed and decided that if we got pregnant within 6 months then we'd go for it... LOL, we got pregnant the first darn try!!!
Now we have a beautiful 5 month old daughter and my son turns 4 next month. It's been hard! The first 6 weeks were painful - depression hit me again and I remember crying one day thinking we'd done the wrong thing. No sleep, and our schedule was in tatters... my son started to wet the bed and I felt like I'd ruined his life. It's hard the first weeks as I felt that all I did was deal with the baby and had no time for my son, husband or myself.
Now, at the 5 month mark, I'm back to work full time and both kids are very happy in daycare (where my son has been for past 3 years). Sleep has returned, schedule is back in place and both my kids are blooming!
I'm not saying it hasn't been hard - it has... seriously, really hard :) but also worth every minute of pain and tears.
We're getting there. Some weekends when all you want is a nap and the baby won't sleep and my son wets the bed I have a moment of doubt... then the baby smiles that big toothless grin and my son comes up and says "I love you mummy"... I know we did the right thing!

We were one and done. Our first DD was perfect very easy. When she was just over 6 years old and I 39 we had a second child. The first 2-3 years where tough. It was me and the baby while my husband and older daughter went out and did things like movies, sporting events, bike rides. The 6 year gap between children made it really difficult to do anything. My husband wasn't really into the baby years and I should of know that from our first. He didn't really enjoy fatherhood until age 2 to 3. Now that our youngest is 3 things are a lot better. We can enjoy things as a family not 2 separate units. Life would be easier with 1, but not as rewarding.

You've had a lot of great answers but I thought I'd chime in as we were in a similar situation before having my son. I was 37, my daughter was 2 and we were happy and settled in our lives. I felt I had almost enough time for things that were important to me. Our finances were pretty stable and so we decided, based mostly on emotion, to try for a second child.
Honestly, there are so many unknowns when going through pregnancy and having a child, you just have to be prepared to NOT be prepared. If you're willing to take that leap of faith, and you feel your husband is too, then go for it.

Now, having had a second child (he's 15 months old) I can say that it is more difficult than I anticipated. Mostly because he's a crummy sleeper. But Oh my God I love that little boy like nothing else on earth and I couldn't imagine my life without that kind of love. And just like the first, all the little adorable, delicious things they do make the hardship worth it.
One big surprise for me though, has been how long it takes to get my life back "on track." With one child I felt like life had settled into a more comfortable rhythm by the time my daughter was about 12 months. With two I still don't feel like there's any balance. I'm often still in survival mode in terms of exhaustion and demands on my time and energy. And my husband and I don't have as much time together or as much freedom.

Do you have family nearby that can help? That was a big consideration for us and having them around has been invaluable.

Trust yourself to make the right decision. It will work out.

I had my second child when my first was 5 and a half. I worried about these same things you are worrying about. Honestly, our youngest just brings us all joy every day. Her brother adores her and she thinks he is the greatest thing on the planet! It is hard at times bc babies need so much attention (she's 16 months now) but she's so sweet and cute...I am just enjoying every minute. I do feel more tired this time around - she is a better sleeper than her brother was, but I still feel so sleep deprived at times. I do sometimes feel bad for my son that we can't just take off and do a bike ride together or the things we used to do so easily right before she was born. But then again a lot of the time we go do his favorite activities and his poor little sis gets dragged along even if it means putting off her nap for a while. The hard thing about your question is there is no right thing to do. Staying with only one child is a wonderful way to go...and having a much younger sibling is also wonderful. Both have pluses and minuses. If you are happy with your family the way it is, then there is nothing wrong with just stopping at one! There is a lot of pressure out there to have more than one kid and it is not necessary at all. Good luck w your decision!

I can relate to your worry! We go through the same discussion at home about whether to add a third child to our household, which is absolutely insane with just two. There is something to be said about children - and family in general: the more the merrier. But there is also something to be said for the diminishing sanity of the parents with each new child!

For us, another child could possibly send me over the edge (if I'm not there already!), but that's probably because my children are spaced so close together and my husband and I both work outside the home in stressful 24/7-type jobs. It might be easier in your case to juggle a first-grader and an infant because your daughter is potty-trained, can communicate with you, can help out with the baby, and can do a lot of things on her own.

Perhaps you should look at it from the perspective of whether you think you would regret not having a second child. You only have one life to live and if having a bigger family is something you want to experience, then go for it! But I wouldn't think about it in terms of "adding joy" or "enhancing" your life. Having one child is great! I clearly remember thinking after my daughter was born that my heart and life were so full with just one child, there would be no reason to have another. We decided to have at least one more so that our daughter could have the experience of bonding with a sibling since each us has siblings of our own that we couldn't imagine life without.

Just remember to embrace the chaos and you will survive and be happy no matter the number of children you end up having! Good luck!
T. M.
http://www.theoutlawmom.com

I agree wtih Rachel...it seems there is never a right time, but you do it and you make it work and you realize it was the perfect time! I will say this...I totally get what you're saying. You're happy, things are great, your 5 y/o is pretty self sufficient...BUT, I think that giving your daughter a sibling is a magical and wonderful thing and that in and of itself could sway me into doing it. You'll have to decide for yourself, of course, but I say do it...every kid needs a brother or sister!

We were in the same boat except my daughter is 7 and we had given up trying for a second one and surprise. I will tell you this, there are days that I miss the easiness of just having 1 and having more me time where I could work out, etc, but I would not trade it in for the world.

Even though our second child is very much a handful and I am exhausted most of the time, I cannot imagine our lives without this bundle of energy and love. We adjusted and make it work for us, it is difficult and there are days, but it is worth it. We had pretty much given up on more children and adjusted rather nicely to just the 3 of us, but then our little Sophie decided we needed one more.

I am in the same predicament as you are in right now. I go back and forth in thinking if my son will be o.k being an only child. I love the relationship that I have with my older Brothers. I have gone to them for advice when I couldn't go to my parents and now that my parents are aging we have all had to chip in. Those are not the only reasons but I am barely making it with one. He has everything he needs/wants and will I be able to support both with love and time? I guess somehow God makes it do-able and so just pray on it and the answer will come. good luck in your journey.

I suggest becoming a foster parent. It obvious that you like your family life but feel something is missing. If you have a second child your daily routine will be permanently altered. For better or worse. If you become a foster parent, if you decide that life is becoming too hectic, then you just decide to stop being foster parents.

M.

A., it is always interesting to me how people want something badly until they can get it and then run from it. As the mother of 5 let me say that love and patience as well as lack of sleep abound but like a big rubber band we have made it stretch so everything fits.
So what if the next child isn't exactly as the 1st? They can't be returned so it's good to think it trough. We were blessed with the birth of our disabled son which has made our family grow in ways we wouldn't have otherwise. This not a decision that anyone else can reallyhelp you make as it all depends on what you are willing to sacrifice and make work so that you feel whatever it is that your family vision is. I hope that you will appreciate the good man that you have that was willing to do this for you with the pressure applied. I know we couldn't have made it without our 4 birth children and the 1 that came to live with us was a bonus package . Was it easy no, was it perfect no, we made it thru job loss, illness and major move and remodel but I am ever so grateful for each of them and for the people they have become.

Hard question. My second was hard for me and took a year to adjust to, but it has been worth it. Why no energy? I would figure out that issue. If you can put up with 2-3 more years of stress (with joy!), I say do it, but be in for a shock b/c you forget how hard a baby is!