Calling All Moms of Boys - How Do You Raise Your Boys?

We teach "no hitting" (though we have talked about when it can be appropriate to hit back). With crying, I say "get it all out..." and "it's OK".

They are learning many things...among them, how to define masculinity for themselves. I agree with YOU....

And my sons fit in just fine.

I only have one little boy but I hate the phrase boys will be boys. Boys can be taught to act proper, sit up, don't hit, don't run screaming through a restaurant. It seems like the people that use that phrase are lazy in their discipline. It's like they use the fact that they have a boy to let them do whatever they want.
This is only MY OPINION and I don't mean to offend anyone but I am trying to raise my son to act like a civilized human being. If he doesn't fight, good. I bet most CEO's of large companies didn't get into fist fights. If he talks about his feelings, great maybe he'll have a secure lasting marriage.
That being said, yes I still like him act like a kid. He can play rough, get dirty, and yell when appropriate!

I don't want to push my boys one way or the other, but I make sure I teach them good morals and character. One of my little guys is sensitive, so he cries easily. Neither me nor my husband want to discourage this. It's his way of expressing himself. We're fine with that!

she's a twit. i can't say what it would be right to raise girls from firsthand experience, but if i did i'm pretty sure i'd raise them much as i raised my boys.....to be thoughtful, to control their tempers, to feel free to express themselves (including tears) and to be considerate.
you keep on with what you're doing.
khairete
S.

I am raising mine so that one day his wife may turn to me and say, "Thank you."

I have two boys. I am raising them to be good PEOPLE. Neither of them are really aggressive in any way, but they both enjoy martial arts and can hold their own in a sparing situation. They are both very articulate and tend to have good manners. I do not know if this is unusual for boys (I grew up only around women/girls).

It makes me sad to think any one would lump all men and boys into the neanderthal category. Just think if someone said you should not allow your daughter to be smart and forceful in sharing her opinions because she would not fit in with the princesses......

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I think it depends a great deal on the personality of the child you get. I'd be more than happy to have a son who was inclined to be a sensitive guy (my husband is pretty good on that score). But my son was just not cut from that cloth. He is much more "neanderathal"--running, yelling and hitting his usual ways of expressing himself. I encourage talking about feelings but at 5 I mostly get angry or happy and not a lot of subtle stuff. I work very hard to teach him to behave better, not hit, not be bossy/pushy, etc. It doesn't come easily to him. If I had more than one boy like him I'm not sure if I could keep a lid on all the fighting and physical stuff even though I don't like it. It seems like there are a pretty good number of other boys that have this way of acting. On the other hand my friends have a son who is quite the opposite--shy and much more sensitive and not much for the rough play. They are encouraging some of the behaviors I have to strictly limit.

I personally think boys and girls need a full range of skills from discussing feeling appropriately to knowing when to just tough something out. Since I have a boy and a girl so I usually am going for teaching skills that are good for both.

Our rule is no hitting. That applies to all of us - adults and DS(5) and is the rule at preschool. It is fine for DS to cry when he is sad or angry. We encourage him to use words to express his feelings and desires - works way better than tears to get what he wants/needs (as I am not a mind reader). Background info - DH and I both describe ourselves as feminists, both work FT outside the home and are both secular/humanist in religious orientation. I am not so sure that roles have changed so much for little girls - witness the pink and purple princess obsession.

the only time my boys hit each other and they dont do it hard is when they are wrestling. the rule is not in the face and not in the chest. i have 2 boys and 3ss. no matter how mad they get at each other they dont hit. wrestling is another story and if one gets hurt itis an agreed upon unwritten rule once someone truly gets hurt the wrestling is over. fortunately we have never gotten to that point they quit before it starts happening. it is understood even with so if they say enough thats it. because if you dont stop at enough someone is going to be out for blood. wrestling is boys being boys. pop shotting each other in the back for no reason at all and hard is chicken s**t .

My boys are being rasied as boys. They only hit in self defense and on occassion when they get mad and forget. This results in a time out and a good talking to after the time out is over. Boys being boys is riding bikes, skinned knees, dirty ears, mud pies, snow ball fights, and race cars. Not hitting and esp not blind siding their brother in the back. When any of my kids have had a rough day we lay in bed and talk about it. Actually I even do this with my nieces and nephews. I seem to have a way to get more out of them than my siblings. Controling anger and speaking is going to get you the respect you deserve not being mean.

I agree with the comment that most CEO's probably didn't beat people up in school. If it were my guess they were the quiet student sitting in the back that no one wanted to talk to. I encourage my kids to be friends with everyone not just have their click of friends.

I raised mine to try to negotiate and talk their way out of a physical confrontation and if that were to fail they also knew how to handle themselves physically if need be. You gotta be well rounded in order to survive and it doesnt matter whether you are male or female.

I love my boys dearly and I refuse to squash their feelings just because they are boys. I am teaching them to tell me how they feel, express themselves and not be afraid or ashamed to cry. Feelings are normal for boys and girls and I want my children to know its ok to feel however they feel! As for your question, you are so right to be raising your boys to be loving, thoughtful young men! I believe people who teach their kids to squash their feelings, hit out of anger and be big macho guys are doing a HUGE disservice to their sons and cheating them out of real, raw, emotions. It causes a huge impact on them later in life when they go to have relationships etc. Keep doing what your doing--you are on the right track!!!

M

Awww...funny what being conditioned does to a society. No! I raise mine with love.

Ugh! Ignore your friend!! Woman complain all the time that there are no "good men" out there, yet they are raising their sons to be jerks too! I am raising my sons to be gentlemen. Yes they are more physical in their play than my daughter, but I certainly don't let them get away with the things you mentioned. My 5 year old cries and I don't make him stop all together or call him names. I try to get him to talk about what is going on and see if we can get to the bottom of things. Raise your boys the way you see fit. Raise them to turn out to be the kind of men you would want to relate to as an adult. Your future daughter in law and grandkids will be very thankful!!

I absolutely LOVE the answers by Suz and Alyssa. That's exactly how we are raising our son.

Boys and girls ARE different, but the way that some people stereotype genders is rediculous. I think that raising kids according to their personality is much better than trying to make them fit into a gender mold.

Great question, by the way!

Well, boys and girls are different -they really are! However, I don't believe in foisting stereotypes on your kids, but instead in taking into account the individual person they are. I have two boys -one will be 5 tomorrow and the other is 2.5. They are what you call "all boy" boys, but we encourage open talking and communication about feelings, upsets and everything else. Nothing is ever said about crying unless it's a fake/whining cry to get attention or nag (and I would put the stop to that in a girl too).

I DO let my boys rough house a lot and I tell them unless someone is bleeding or can't move a body part -I don't want to hear it. I would do this with girls as well. If I don't take that approach I hear from both of them constantly, "He hit me. He kicked me. He hit me. He pinched me." It's never-ending! I keep an eye on them and I don't let anyone go nuts on anyone else -they know the boundaries, but I do think kids should work some things out on their own. We do take the stance that hitting is NOT a resolution and shouldn't be done to anyone and we won't allow it if we see it. I think boys will fight with each other a lot, but they love on each other a lot too. The fighting doesn't have to be insane or mean -many times they rough house then someone does something the other doesn't like, so the other hits him and two seconds later they're being nice to each other. So, yes, I think boys are usually rougher than girls by nature, but I don't think they should be encouraged and allowed to openly fight. They'll get enough of it in when you're not looking! Allowing and encouraging your little men to open up emotionally and not jumping on them for crying will make them far better adult men with far less baggage than your friends boys. I think we should absolutely let our children know that physical action is for self-defense and that they need to use their words.

Im with you on this one! I also have a friend with 2 boys ages 2 and 4 and they physically fight alot. The parents will even sometimes agg them on and will be mean to them. Once I was discussing my concerns with daycare with my friend and told her it scares me to think a teacher could be being mean to my son and him not be able to tell me since he is young. Her response was they will be around mean people their whole lives might as well let them get used to it. When the boys come over my son normally just sits on the couch and watches them like he's at a wrestling match! :) I say show your son love, teach him to be a real person not a real "man"!

My boy is a future gentleman. At 3, he holds doors for ladies, lets them order first, does not hit ladies, does not throw fits, does NOT overindulge in whimpy whining or tantrums, but he DOES express his feelings. He's allowed a certain amount of comfort after a boo boo, but not overboard. He's no neanderthal, but no baby either. He is allowed to strike back, and play rough with other boys, but not bully people. I plan to give him good foundations in building stuff, rugged physical activities, car repairs, as well as literature, art, music, culture and finance. He will work hard and be a man if I can help it. My girls are actually learning all the same stuff, save for the opening doors for boys. But even with all those skills, I'm trying not to let them grow up to take care of boys like I did while dating in my 20's. :( I want them to have expectations for men. My generation was full of unmanly men (or maybe I somehow sought them out in the "sensitive" crowd). I want to avoid that in my son. He can be sensitive and evolved, but still tough.

I have a son. As I see it, I'm not raising a "boy". I'm raising a gentleman. That being said I've taught him to have integrity, good morals and a courteous disposition. I'm with you on this one.

Your friends has future bullies on her hands. Just my opinion.

my boy will not be a wimp, but I would say the same thing if he was a girl. we do NOT allow hitting (he is 18 mnths and this is something we are working on right now) but I do want him to feel like he should be able to defend himself. that being said my son's favorite color use to be pink, which was fine, now it is yellow which is fine too. he loves to dance, and I mean really loves it, so when he is a little older if he wants to take dance classes that is fine, but if he wants to do basketball or another sport thats ok too. he carries around a stuffed bear and pretends it is a baby (he loves sticking it in his high chair and "feeding" it) and my hubby and I both encourage this nuturing side. I want him to be strong and sensitive, just like his daddy.

I think alot of boys are more inclined to be very physical and rough. I have two boys and now that my younger one is physically able to hold his own weight so to speak there is a lot more wrestling and sparring and such. I don't discourage this, but there is a limit, and they know it. There is no hitting or nothing that physically could hurt each other. My boys do tend to struggle with knowing/identifying emotions so I have to try to teach to them as best I can. But every child is different and has their own temperament. I think to try to raise them to be Neanderthals or encourage them to truly fight is wrong but there is nothing wrong with letting them be a little rough. Men are naturally predisposed more toward that behavior because of their hormones but that doesn't mean they shouldn't also be in touch with their feelings and be able to verbalize them, MOST of them just tend to go to the physical expression first. I think what she is saying is pretty silly, but then again if you do have a child who struggles to stand up for themselves there would be nothing wrong in encouraging them to do so, just as I have to work with my kids to be able to verbally communicate how they are feeling. Everyone has strong and weak points and sometimes we need encouragement one way or the other and the other part tends to be more dominant.

There is a very viable "nature" argument here that plays into it, but that doesn't mean boys shouldn't be taught empathy, expression and how to get in touch with their feelings.

If you want to read more about stuff like this I'd recommend this book: http://www.amazon.com/Wonder-Boys-Michael-Gurian/dp/B001B...
It's very interesting and a great read.

I feel very sorry for her innocent little boys. I have two little boys who are human beings with feelings and emotions and a need to talk and be listened to. I don't allow hitting or kicking and no play that is too rough(there is a 3 year difference in age in my sons). We use kind words and manners in our home. My sons will grow up to be kind, considerate, respectful men.

I joked around when my son was an infant "don't be a mommy's boy because girls aren't going to like you." Sounds really dumb now!! I think I was just trying to find anything an everything to say to him as I talked to him a lot and it was just he and I - I'd run out of things to say. Anyway - my situation is a bit different as my son is mildly autistic - before he could recognize feelings he'd have regular meltdowns as he couldn't find the words to express how he was feeling. So, we regularly talk about feelings.
However my son is also "all boy" - he's super rambuctious, active, etc. etc. - we used to say "he has two speeds, running and sleeping!!"
I think letting your son know how things feel and express them is important - in my opinion it will help him be respectful of others feelings.......also, I have a husband who rarely speaks about things if it is 'touchy' as he was raised not to talk about feelings - it causes problems with us as there is no communication.......that's for another post!!!!!!!!!

Consider this your chance to raise your boy to be the perfect man. It is a once in a lifetime opportunity! :)

Our boys definitely like to rough house ... something I can't quite relate to. But I think it's important to teach proper behavior in various situations. We've talked about how to behave at school, in church, at restaurants, at other peoples houses. We've also talked about the difference between rough play that is mutally agreed upon and hitting or hurting someone. Our boys definitely need reminders from time to time, but they generally understand the difference.

Wow. Your friend is a sad excuse for a mom. Ignore her completely,

I like the response that we are raising gentlemen.

Sheesh.

All children should be raised to defend themselves in immediate confrontational situations, however this is after they have attempted to discuss disagreements or get an adults assistance. I have 3 boys none of whom are wimps and they certainly aren't allowed to hit, kick, shove etc. at will. Wrestling is acceptable but when hurting becomes intentional, it goes too far. Boys need to be taught other avenues to vent their aggression than hitting like sports. They will be married one day & if aggressive feelings aren't dealt with early, they could deal with their wives in very unhealthy "macho" ways. I believe it is ok for boys to cry occasionally but not as a habit, they need to develop some type of tough skins to bear the tremendous resposibities they will have later in life. Emotions are ok when they are held in check to some degree. I wouldn't want a feminised or a brute marrying my daughter. She will need someone who will protect her while being able to communicate effectively in times of stress. I would rather err on rearing a more sensitive son than one who can't wait to sock someone everytime life doesn't go his way. We should be raising modern day knights who still follow sometime of code of honor. As moms we have tremendous influence...the hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world...let's do so wisely...