Bumping Heads with Neighbor

Oh, honey, this is so difficult, but here goes. You may wish to follow some of the advice to have a talk with her.
But, if you have and feel she is not receptive, consider this. In many neighborhoods there is a person exactly like this, a toxic personality. You are not going to change her. My suggestions are that you don't schedule walks with her and don't apologize. Just use one standard reply if she asks you why you didn't call her "I'm spending a little special time with my daughter." Do not apologize. Do not feel bad if you invite another neighbor to do something and do not include her. If it is your neighbor asking, she can include anyone she likes. If you are setting things up, you can ask or not ask anyone you like. Do not apologize. If you are with her and she asks if you are pregnant, develop another pat answer such as "I'm not talking about that anymore." Repeat as necessary. If she makes remarks to you about a friend, you, or your husband say "I am not comfortable with that." She will protest that she is just joking. Repeat "I am not comfortable with that." Do not accept invitations from her. Do not discuss her ways or her lies with the neighbors. I know this all sounds severe, but I have helped many people in this situation. Good luck and remember, not everyone has to like everyone, we just need to treat them with respect.

Hi Alli,

If you were the "observer," what advice would you give in this situation? You shouldn't feel bad for not calling someone who not only isn't a person you'd pick as your friend but also treats in way you believe is wrong. You are under no obligation. You didn't mention anything about her calling you. Are you are the only one in this "relationship" extending yourself?

Healthy relationships (casual or otherwise) involve two people who respect each other's views and space and who share values and behaviors.

I think you're fine letting the relationship fade - it happens all the time. Most of us dislike telling another that the relationship just isn't working. If you want to address the situation with her, you should decide ahead of time what your goal is, i.e., do you want to try to develop the relationship in a positive manner or do you just want to end the relationship and let her know why. And you should be prepared for her to be surprised.

Good Luck.

Hi. Your situation brought me back 9 yrs ago when my oldest daughter was a baby. I started walking and taking baby classes with fellow mom and over time I realized we were not a good match. And I regreted that I introduced her to some of my "new friends."

I would suggest you continue to not go out of your way to make plans with her. And when you bump into her-keep the conversation brief. And continue on your way.

I remember I felt like I was back in highschool and with time I realized I don't need to develop this relationship. And so your kids will go to school together--life is about diversity and respecting all different perspectives but it sounds like her child will grow up to be like her mother--opinionated, close minded, judgemental--if that happens--I doubt you will encourage playdates. So think about cutting the umbilical cord from her now--to save continue frustration later.
Just my two cents...
Good luck.
S.

Wow. I have to say, it's a shame your neighbor is like this, and is this type of person. So negative, so unsupportive, backstabbing even. Awful! You didn't call her a friend, and that's good, because she certainly shows no signs of behaving like one. Keeping that in mind, it is your responsibility to YOURSELF to stand up to her and express to her how you feel. She obviously has no qualms about doing the same to you, so she shouldn't have any complaints about getting such feedback. Calmly tell her you don't appreciate her jokes about your spouse, that and you think it is cruel and unfeeling of her to be so unsupportive of your not being pregnant yet (good heavens, your girls are only one, you hvae PLENTY of time! my boys are <18 mos apart and it was an accident--we'd have much preferred to wait! and twins are no cakewalk, as my SIL has proven). Let her know clearly that while you can respect her opinions, you don't share them and you need her to respect yours. If she can't handle that, then it's her loss, not yours. You deserve to have quality friends in your life. Do not feel bad about who you've introduced her to. Introducing someone is not an endorsement of support of all their views! So don't feel other people will judge you just for knowing her, she's a neighbor. Knowing our neighbors is a good thing, right? Tell her you have felt awkward about saying this before now because you wanted to be sensitive to her feelings. Then see how she responds. But let her know you would rather not associate with her if she's going to continue to act this way. Suggest that perhaps your aquaintanceship needs to take a break.

Good luck!

Hi Alli,
I had that problem with a neighbor who was a terrible gossip. I started to get paranoid that I was giving off some vibe that made her think I was safe to do this with. I just gently stopped seeing her. Too much bad energy.
I suggest just not being available, being pleasant when you run into her, but "goodness my life has just gotten so busy" and keeping the contact short and not engaging in long conversation.
You don't owe her anything because you took some walks with her. Everyone will form their own opinions of her and you are not respondsible for her or her behavior. You don't have to suck it up or say anything, just get scarce! That way you leave it in a neutral place and not let her ruin your day and have resentment build up until you have a falling out. As you say, your children may be in school together and you have to interact in that setting.
Apu

Welcome to the world of the package deal. The kids get along beautifully, but you aren't sure if you like the parents. It is a tricky thing, but I do think that you can still choose your friends and you do not have to hang out with a person who makes you feel bad. Even if she has a child your age, and even if she lives near you. You might decide to tell her that it upsets you when she implicitly criticises you, or you might decide to get together periodically and try to steer the conversation into something that doesn't pit mother against mother (there is nothing more annoying than feeling as if you are in competition with other mothers). Good luck!

you've gotten some great advice here, so i'll try not to duplicate it and to say something new.

it is perfectly possible for kids to be friends and the moms to be polite, even cordial, but not friends. you can manage that.

also, if you do end up seeingher/spending time with her, and she says one of her inevitable horrible things, there are questions you can ask her and things you can say.
"i don't find that funny; actually, it hurts my feelings"
"is it entirely necessary to be that mean about it?"
"do you know that what you just said is hurtful?"
"if you think that all my opinions are so terribly wrong, why are you hanging out with me?"
"well, i guess we'll just have to agree to disagree, won't we? especially if we're going to enjoy our walks"

you can say them all in a gentle tone of voice, too. it's more effective that way.
good luck, honey. i'm so sorry you're in this situation

Yikes! I can see why you are walking on egg shells here.
Perhaps when you go for a walk with her again, tell her what makes you uncomfortable.
So if she makes a comment about your hubby - you can respond by saying - actually that is not true, and it kind of hurts my feelings.
Go ahead and ask other moms to do things, and if she finds out - say - I really wanted to ask you to join us, but x,y,z has made me umcomfortable, so I did not.
Be nice, but truthful.
Usually once someone knows they are making someone else uncomfortable or hurting their feelings, they'll back off.
Once you are truthful with her, make sure to include her in things, and keep going for walks, and hopefully it will all subside.
If she asks you again if you are pregnant, simply say, don't worry, I promise I will tell you if I ever am, so no need to ask me anymore.
She is obviously jealous of you, so if all works out, give her compliments when you are with her, and that should keep her happy.
Good luck. Sorry you have to deal with this, but I can certainly understand why you want to keep the peace!

Treat it as if you were dating and wanted to break up. Imagine for a moment you were a single mom dating a single dad, that lived a mile away. Things were not going great and you had little in common. Do you keep dating because your kids will be going to school together? Nope, you would dump him. Do the same, you'll be much more at ease.

I see you've gotten a lot of advice from people, so I'll keep it brief. Theoretically it's always better to be honest with people, but I've found with certain personality types, it is sometimes easier simply to be vague than in-your-face honest. She sounds like the kind of person who would turn your well-intentioned effort to be honest into an ugly confrontation, and you sound like the kind of person who would be left troubled by it. (And I mean that as a compliment to you.) Just take your walks, if you see her, say hi, but don't pause, don't slow down. Just keep walking. If she's pushy enough to stop you and ask why you didn't call her, just say something vague, like, "Oh, maybe next time." Keep saying that and if she has any kind of social skills she will figure out that you are "breaking up" with her.

I agree 100% with Rose! In fact, I am going to use some of that advice myself! You can't make yourself miserable - this woman has created this for herself by being a terrible "friend." Free yourself and live happy!