My brother just turned 18, graduated high school with his class, and is attending community college next week. He has high functioning autism that most people can't tell he's spectrum upon first meeting him. The are some social oddities, like staring or asking random irrelevant questions or remembering something from his past that upsets him, but nothing too crazy that can't be settled with a little supportive guidance. He really just wants to be a normal teenager. He is fully aware of the various degrees of severity that autism affects some individuals because of his time spent in special classes. He does not want to be associated as having autism. He says, "it means I'm stupid." We have explained to him that this is not the case. He may have been bullied about it, but I'm not sure. He just wants to hang out with other teenagers and feel "normal." His behavioral therapist says he is in a bad place mentally and is depressed because his lack of socializing. He could use a "big brother" type of program, but there aren't any in the area due to lack of funding. Does anyone know any organizations or individuals that have an interest in socializing/mentoring teenagers with special needs? Or does anyone have any similar situation with a family member having difficulty making friends?
Check Meetup.com, its free. Put in his zip code and search "parents of special needs kids" and see what comes up. We have a group that is local here and my dtr is 16 so you may find parents that have older kids and maybe they can make a friendship. Good luck!
ETA: also check out your local "department of disabled adults" and call them for advice. Good luck!
What about a church group? Are there any churches with a young singles group around?
I would be concerned that because he really wants to fit in, he could end up doing the "wrong" things (like drugs/alcohol), or be taken advantage of without some supervision.
My GD is also on the autism spectrum and like your brother, she functions fairly well and a lot of people can't tell she's on the spectrum when they first meet her. She has come a long way over the years! And like your brother, she really wants some friends. Fortunately, there are lots of cousins in our family so she has "built-in" friends.
If I were you, I would contact the local community college to see if they have any students who might be interested in this type of relationship. Also, your social services department might have some suggestions.
Wishing you and your brother the best!
I have not dealt with this yet, but I know I will when my son, who is 5, enters school. College is NOT high school, so socializing is going to be different. Contact autismspeaks.org and see if they have resources to help out.
My son is 20 and has Asperger's and many of the same issues that you describe. What we have found is that if he follows his interests, other people will become his friends. We also had him in pragmatics therapy with a speech and hearing clinic for a long time to help him learn how to make a friend, carry on a conversation, etc. Trust me, I don't know of anyone with this who has not been bullied about it. Probably worse than he would ever tell you. So assume that has happened to him, and pick outlets where it is less likely to happen. Our son is active in FIRST robotics, as a volunteer now that he is no longer in high school, bike club - had a passion for bicycling like his Dad does, and supports political causes he believes in. He has learned that if he wants to make a friend, he has to not monopolize the conversation (a dialog vs. a monologue). If there is an autism support group locally they may know of a group for high functioning people to socialize with each other.
I just want to address the fact that he believes having others know he has Autism means they'll recognize him as stupid. This is a very real fear among autistic teens and children. The fact that this is a medical, neurological diagnosis means that he has a right to privacy on this issue. If he doesn't want to tell anyone, if he doesn't want you or your mother to tell anyone, then he has the right to keep that information private. If he ever chooses to advocate for Autism Acceptance, he has to be able to decide on his own, OK?
Reassure him as always, but also reassure him that you won't say anything to people that he doesn't want to know. It will be his choice on who to tell outside of medical doctors. When I "talk Autism" with people in real life, if my daughter is present I ask her for permission first. Then I ask her for permission to use examples about her. If she says "no" then I abide by it. She's only 9 1/2. I want her to feel some control and self advocacy.
Okay. So now the meat of what I want to address. Right now, it's become common for teens and young adults in real life and in movies and on Facebook make jokes about Autistics. The jokes are insulting. People use "autistic" in place of "idiot" and "stupid" and worst of all, "retarded." If someone does something socially awkward or unusual, a common insult is, "What are you, autistic?" If he's 18 and only recently graduated high school he probably heard this sort of thing on a daily basis from other students who don't know any better. Students/people who don't know what ASD actually is.
I would love it if you could suggest to your brother to research Temple Grandin and maybe find him some of her books. She has ASD... her form of it is Asperger's Disorder. She's wonderfully articulate and is very active in the ASD community.
There are also many ASD blogs out there written by people who have ASD. It might help him to know that he's not alone. Landon Bryce is one such individual. He's also on Facebook.
The more your brother learns about his own disorder, the less ashamed of it he may become. Knowledge is power... and the more knowledge he has, the more self esteem he'll develop.
Show him famous people and geniuses who have and are suspected to have ASD. That'll really blow his mind. :-)
Check with in one of the counselors at the community college and see if they have programs that your brother might be interested in--student government is usually open to all volunteers. Also many have mentoring programs for new students. Let the counselor sign him up with someone who would be a good role model for him. You could also check with Special Olympic groups - some of the groups go beyond high school and have people of varying abilities and their "unified" partners and this could widen his social circle of special needs friends as well as other volunteers who may expand his social circle. Volunteer with him in something he has an interest in -- the environment, staffing food banks, working at a pet shelter. This would give him an opportunity to meet other teens who have a heart for helping others as well as helping a worthwhile cause which can also build self esteem. I would also get his behavioral therapist to help him role play social situations so he has more confidence in them. Help him practice socially acceptable ways to greet someone and get along with others. The best way to make a friend is to be a friend. Good luck to all of you. I know it hurts you to see your brother struggle with these challenges.
V.,
I have a great nephew with autism. He is only 5, but has a lot of the same issues making friends as well as dealing with seizures. His mother is constantly challenging him and pushing his comfort level with people to lessen the anxiety of dealing with crowds and other stressors. She uses all the resources in the autism community to help with this problems. Autism Speaks is a great organisation that can put you in touch with helpful resources and group activities.
As for your brother worrying about being labeled stupid because he has autism I suggest he look up a Dr. Temple Grandin. She is a PHD teaching Animal Behavior Science at the University of Colorado in Bolder. Here is a piece she wrote about people who approach her after her lectures on Autism and Aspbergers.
Adults Ask: Am I on the autism spectrum?
By Temple Grandin
I have adults contact me all the time and ask, “Is it possible that I am on the autism spectrum or have Asperger’s?” This usually occurs when either their child or their grandchild is diagnosed. It is very likely that they are on the autism spectrum. I had a retired NASA space scientist walk up to me at an autism talk and he told me his grandson had just been diagnosed. He said half the engineers at NASA were probably on the spectrum.
The autism spectrum is a broad spectrum that ranges from very severe to mild. There is NO black and white dividing line between the autism spectrum and being so-called normal. In my new book, “Different Not Less”; people on the spectrum who were diagnosed later in life tell their own stories. They got a formal diagnosis because their marriages and relationships had many problems. This provided great insight.
Older people who suspect that they are on the spectrum ask me all the time if they should get a formal diagnosis. If their job and life is stable, I recommend keeping it off the electronic medical records. They can obtain understanding by reading books on autism and attending meetings. The only reason to get a formal diagnosis is to obtain services.
Autism diagnosis is not precise like a diagnosis for tuberculosis. It is a behavioral profile. When the DSM-5 comes out, the Asperger diagnosis will be dropped and merged into autism spectrum disorder or ASD. They will also add a new diagnosis of social communication disorder, which is simply autism without the repetitive behavior or fixated interests. Do not get hung up on labels. Over the years, the doctors keep revising and changing the labels and their meaning. Nobody is doing this with a diagnosis of malaria or strep infection. You either have these diseases or you do not. Autism spectrum is a broad spectrum that ranges from very severe to merging into being a personality variant at the far end of normal.
Hope this helps.
J.
PS. - Dr- Grandin has both and did not speak until she was four.
Does he have a hobby or interest? Find a local group or check out community ed. He needs to find a "hook" or something of interest he can enjoy with others who like the same thing. The ASD won't be so glaring if he's with others who are as enthusiastic about something that he is.
I know someone who is ASD and a total Star Wars/ Sci Fi geek. There are so many clubs (collectors, games, Lego leagues etc.) for all ages in our area, and he has made many friends through this one interest. It made it easy for him to communicate and fit in. What does your loved one like...find others who like it too and take it from there.
