Boyfriend Wanted Me to Get Abortion

"He admits to only doing this because everyone will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn’t marry me."

I can't understand why that statement didn't make the decision for you. NO, I would not take him back. EVER.

Simply no. You sound very brave and confident. If a few years down the road, he proposes because he loves you and wants to spend forever as a family, granted you have forgiven him and are still in love with him, I might see a possiblity, but for the here and now, no. You're going to be a great mom! All the best!

So, he admits that he is only offering to marry you so that other people won't think bad of him and you are actually considering it?

No, i wouldn't take him back no matter what!

. The best advise anybody to give to another is (PRAY)!! Only god can really help you with whats happening in your life he is the one to ask. Have faith and believe :) I will be praying for you! God Bless you

The depth and strength of a human character are defined by its moral reserves. People reveal themselves completely only when they are thrown out of the customary conditions of their life, for only then do they have to fall back on their reserves.
-- Leonardo da Vinci

No change of circumstances can repair a defect of character.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

its not really my place, or anyone elses to tell YOU how to feel. But while that baby grew up, the first step, the first word, the first stick figure drawing, the first day of real school, the first love, graduation......I would want to look over at a man that i knew felt the same rush of amazement as i did, the same owning of a feeling that our love and hard work created and raised perfection in our eyes. From such a beginning as you have had i cannot imagine looking at that man with anything but contempt.

26 is too old to be so brash and selfish about life.

NO NO NO!!!! I would not take him back. It is not unusual for someone who is not ready to be a parent to contemplate or suggest abortion. It is unusual for them to become mean, hurtful, and angry. I would not want that "monster" to be part of my life and would need to have him prove himself before he could be trusted with my precious baby once he or she arrived.

I would not marry him for the same reason plus he already he doesn't really want to marry you but cares what others think.

If he doesn't want to get married, and is just going to be in your life because of his family. I would just let him be your babys father, and nothing else. Marriage is not a problem slover, it is something you both have to want and be willing to work at it. I wouldn't take him back after his initial reaction.....but thats me. Good look sweetie! With or without a man in your life, this baby will warm your heart in more ways that you can imagine :)

So happy to read your follow up! You'll be a great mom and Mr. Douchebag can sit on it and rotate! You're going to all right!! Best wishes!!!!!!!!

I know you've had lots of support but just had to say congratulations to you for deciding to keep the baby and get on with your life without this creep. You don't want to be saddled with someone who will be verbally abusive whenever things don't go his way; it's one thing for him not to be ready to marry, but to be mean and hurtful, and insist that you abort...that shows his true colors. You sound like a smart, strong, mature young woman and you are going to be just fine. It's great that his family seem sympathetic -- while you shouldn't marry him, it sounds like they will be involved and supportive in the baby's life.

After getting blasted by his Mom especially, he wants to try and make it work and get married. He admits to only doing this because everyone will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn’t marry me.

Please read that, he doesn't want to marry you out of love. He wants to marry you to make himself look better to others.

How old is your child now? How has their relationship been, is he in the childs life?

At first as I was towards the bottom of your post and you said he had a change of heart, I was gonna say give him a chance. He could have been panicked, it wasn't in your plans blah, blah, blah. But your last sentence saying he admitted he is offering to marry you so people don't think he is a a bad person changes my response to......RUN momma and do not look back. He will marry you for the wrong reasons and you and your baby will pay the cost. Good thing you found out he was a loser now. Cut your losses and move on. Lots of women are successful single moms, you can be to.

I know you have posted your " what happened" but I just wanted to tell you how proud I am of you!! When I read your post, it made me very sad to read such a situation. I am soooo happy to read that you are staying strong and decided on keeping the baby along with facing the challenges that are to come. I will keep you in my prayers. Things happen for a reason. Keep strong! When ever you feel down, lonely, stressed, etc.. Look at your baby as a reminder of what an awesome mom you are and how that child will on day, look at you as a hero. Congrats!!

I agree, he is agreeing to marry you just to save face value.. it is not for the right reason. Do what you can for the child and you, forget this man until he proves himself, and that is going to take a long time.

no... but I'd have him pay child support and allow him to spend time with the child

NO WAY. You will always know the truth . he will always resent you. yt 26, he is, or should be, a man. He is not. COunt your blessings and raise it alone. You can do it.

I am so sorry hun but I think you did the right thing things happen for a reason and maybe you guys would be better apart. Getting married because you got pregant is not healthy. Please think about what he asked you to do this life. I cant belive something that is supposed to be the happiest time in your life was stolen from you. I hope you get throught this and wish you the best of luck.

He is doing it for the WRONG reasons.
Do NOT.... go along with it, with him.
He still harbors.... all these BAD BAD BAD attitudes about it... and toward you.

'Resentment"... does not just go away.
He will still.... have these feelings toward you.

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK.

Things will not get better.....
If you marry him, you still be stuck.
AND he may get abusive.... even toward an innocent baby, maybe. Because he resents it.....
Just sayin'
These things... happens all the time.

You are seeing a side to him... that does NOT bode well... for you. Nor your life.
A Man... cannot just behave that way.
Nor, because of a situation like that.
He is showing... HIS 'character.'
Be rational.
He is.... very not good... nor a man to marry.

He is... this way.
Do not think about how it 'was' with him before this pregnancy.... he is... this way. Bad. Not a good pick... do not 'choose' this man.

Trust your gut on this one T.. Do not take him back!! He is still the person that he showed you when he asked you to have the abortion and told you he wanted nothing to do with you or the baby the two of you made together. You said yourself that he has admitted that the only reason he wants to be back in your life is because "everyone will think he's a loser if he doesn't marry you". This man IS a loser and you can do much better. The right man for you is out there. Don't waste your time on a marriage that you know in your heart will be less than you deserve.

.

No. If he doesn't want to get married and have a child at this time he should not. And marrying someone who doesn't really want to marry you is likely to end poorly. And that in no way makes either one of you a monster. If you plan on keeping the child, maybe consider going back to dating and see how that goes. (not that new mothers have lots of time for that). Are you considering adoption?

If I had gotten pregnant at that age, I would have had an abortion - absolutely no question. And yes DP at the time (now DH and father of our 5 year old) might have had a hard time with it (he knew then that he wanted kids one day, I did not). But not nearly as hard a time as I would have had keeping a child I did not want because my partner wanted the child. I don't see that your situation is much different.

While I strongly believe in a woman's right to chose, I also very strongly believe that a woman choosing to have a baby, should in no way obligate the father (especially in this situation where you were responsible and had discussed the issues before hand) if he would chose differently. He has no say in your choice to continue the pregnancy and if he choses not to be involved, that should be his right.

Nope. Not for his leaving - it can be a shock when unprepared for it. But he clearly still does not want to marry you or be involved with the baby. Having outside pressures to do those things will only cause resentment and more problems down the line.

He even admits to you that he is only doing it b/c he doesn't want others to think he is the worst person ever - which means he isn't wanting to marry you b/c he loves you and wants this for his life.

I think you are better off with out him.

Good luck and Congrats on your baby.

This is 100% deja vu for me. I should have never married my child's father. He was everything your boyfriend is. Please, please, use the information that you have to make the decision that will be best for you and your child in the long run.

He is the father of the child so that's his relationship/connection with you. Taking him back? Why would you? Weigh the pros/cons and please don't do it because of the baby. Wrong reason!!!!!!!! Because he hasn't changed and probably won't anytime soon if ever.

Seriously, I'm speaking from regrettable experience. Think of yourself and the baby!!!

"He admits to only doing this because everyone will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn’t marry me."

There is your answer!!! I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish you lots of luck!!!

Well, I don't hear any "I love him with all my heart" in there... and you've already said here that you don't want to take him back. AND he only wants to marry you now because of what other people will think. That doesn't sound like a happy future for you or the baby if you ask me.

Blessings to you and your little one~

Hi T. K,

I am sure you've gotten lots of responses so far but I just wanted to also voice my support for you and your decision. If it is in your heart to have this baby on your own, go for it. You will make it work, and you will meet the partner you are meant to have. This baby will be the most wonderful thing that's ever happened to you, I promise.

It's not always easy. I was a single mom for a while too. But I met and married a wonderful man and he's a great stepdad to my daughter. Her biological dad is also in her life. I am so glad I didn't stay with him, though.

You sound like a smart girl. I am sure everything will turn out just fine for you. Best wishes!

Awwww! I love your final note. I'm a single mom and I would die for my lil one (she's 2 now). You'd be surprised how many people put kids on the backburner for boy/girlfriends etc which to me is ridiculous. I'm glad you didn't let him push into something that sounded like you didn't want. I wouldn't take him back and I'd suggest you protect your baby from him because he sounds very resentful and I'd be scared he would hurt the baby.

Good luck! I love being a single mom, there's no one to argue with about parenting and I get more one on one time with her after college classes :)

NO. Regardless of the reasons, if he admits he only wants to get back together because people will think he's awful if he doesn't go back to you -hello -isn't that your answer? This is why from the time kids get their first sex talks on through adulthood, people should take a moment to discuss what both partners' views are regarding pregnancy, abortion and adoption BEFORE hopping in the sack.

He has every right to his feelings and to NOT want to be a father right now, but since there is going to be a baby, he has to step up. He has to realize that if you have sex -pregnancy may occur and you have to take responsibility for it. His parents should have taken the time to teach him that and tell him as a teenager that just because he might want a girl or woman to have an abortion doesn't mean she will -it's really just her choice. He needs to grow a pair and let people know he's not interested in a relationship any longer, but that he will support his child. You need to make him sit down with you and an attorney to draft out child support agreements and visitation -whether with him or his family.

HELL NO! You would be setting yourself up for failure. You do not want to be with someone that doesn't truly want to be with you. Save yourself the time and heartache of a divorce later down the road.

Im so happy to hear that you are keeping your baby!!! No one should ever ask anyone to have an abortion!!!!EVER!!!!I think its a good idea though to have him in the childs life.

Let him be the worst person ever. You know the answer - no. Just because his family is good people, doesn't make him worth getting mixed up with again. Move on - you'll be doing the right thing by getting him out of your life completely.

He can be involved & help with the baby - because it IS his responsibility too - but you do NOT have to get married. My husband & I didn't get married until our daughter was 2 years old, after our own ups & downs after our daughter (surprise) was born. Being legally married won't solve anything anyways. Nothing really changed for us after getting married, except I get military benefits lol

Do you really want to marry someone who is only asking because other people will think badly of him if he doesn't? I was in a difficult situation when I got pregnant and everyone wanted us to get married. I KNEW in my heart that marrying him was NOT the right decision. Honestly, I'd rather be alone and happy than with someone and miserable. I can't tell you what to do, but I would think long and hard about the decision you have to make. I wish you good luck and strength. Being a single mom is hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I have NOT read any other responses......

So, I think that you should give him another chance. AS A FRIEND AND AS YOUR BABY'S DAD FOR NOW! (Not friends with benefits!) He was probably in shock and overwhelmed with the surprise pregnancy. I'm NOT excusing his behavior as I am PRO-LIFE, but no matter what you decide, he will STILL be the dad. You will be dealing with him for the next 18 years so you may as well do it pleasantly.

IF he supports you through this pregnancy and after the baby is born, consider starting to "date" him again. (AGAIN, WITHOUT benefits. You need to keep your perspective!) And if all goes well, THEN marry him.

Best of luck to you and your family. I'm so proud of you for standing up to your boyfriend and keeping your baby!

A baby is no reason to get married and if you do not love him and do not want to marry him then don't. You will not be happy that way. If later on down the road he is in the baby's life and you start to love him and want to marry him and he WANTS to marry you not just do because people are telling him it is right then that would be okay. But don't do something you do not want to do. Best of luck.

I would not marry him just because people are telling him too, baby or no baby. Honestly, if he wants to be in the baby's life, then he will be when it gets here. You don't have to even be with him. If, after the birth, he spends time with the kid, and WANTS to spend time with the kid (not the "I'm being forced to love a child I don't want" kind of way) and then he still wants to be with you, MAYBE I would consider getting back together, but still not married, until the relationship could get back to the same love that it had before the pregnancy. Right now, it sounds like really there is just anger, resentment, and pain, not really any love for each other, so no don't take him back. Have the baby and see what happens. The baby is the most important person right now.

First, if you did take him back are you going to hold this against him forever?

And was this a one and only blow up over your pregnancy? Or does he have a pattern of irrational, angry outbursts over other issues as well?

If this is an isolated event and there truly was a lot of lovin' going on, then I could see you mending your differences, forgiving and moving on.

If this was not an isolated event, and there is any sort of pattern of blowing up over stressful circumstances then you should probably try couples counseling before considering getting back together.

Only you will be able to gage whether his heart is truly sorry for the pain he caused. And sometimes it is exactly these types of healthy ultimatums that you had the courage to enforce that get results like this. You're a strong woman for saying no to that nonsense in the first place. But you need to be sure that it won't resurface.

I have a friend who was in the same situation when she was 21, they did end up gettng married and doing great now ..
He is probably freaked out now. Do not marry him now though. When the baby gets here he will "grow up" and mature and then realize what a fool he was . Hopefully. :)

I would not take him back, but I would agree to counseling and take it very slowly. Regardless of whether you end up together, you will be co-parenting, most likely, so you need to learn how to deal with each other contructively, and you might realize through the process that you can be together and heal.

NOOOO Under that situation you where able to see a true side of him you had never seen before and it hurt you, why bring that hurt to your child when the father doesnt/didnt want him, he wants to do things right bec his mother pressured him, he has a lot of maturing to do... do not get yourself into this mess, it is hard being a single mother, but it is harder to live with a person like that, do NOT marry that guy who offended you in such way... If and only if you see he is trully sorry After the baby is born, if you still want to be with him consider it, and let him win the Guinness record for most apologies ever made...but do not be gullible, try to differ if he wants you and the baby or if he just doesnt want to be seen as the bad guy..
I have felt the way you do and certain words are like a thousand little knifes in your heart.. but from my experience i can say only time will heal the wounds, if you get back with him you will remember what he has said every single day.... but first think about you and the baby.

wish you the best of luck and enjoy your pregnancy, it is a beautiful thing.

I had a similar experience both with my husband AND with his grandparents. Of course, we were younger than you are now. When we got pregnant with our first son, his grandparents actually told us to abort. I was so angry about that but after meeting me they changed their minds, apologized and now we have a great relationship. The experience I'm actually referring to though happened with our second child. I got pregnant again when my first child was only 6 months old (I was on the pill too.) and my husband was feeling very insecure since we were still kids ourselves and I was spending all of my time with the baby (basically, he felt ignored, etc.) and he wasn't ready to have another little one so he did ask me to abort it. Of course, I felt the same way you do; he said a lot of mean and hurtful things. So we split up for most of that pregnancy. We finally decided that we really did want to be together and we went to couples therapy. We've been together almost 10 years now and he wishes he'd never said that at all; he couldn't imagine the world without our Monkey in it. Since you say you were already talking about spending your life together, having kids, etc. this probably really caught him off guard and he may not have realized either that you would take the stand you have. Since neither of you wanted to have kids yet, he may have thought this was a decision that both of you would make together. One thing that was very consistent from my husband when we were in counseling was that he felt alone, didn't know what to do, etc. If he'd just opened his mouth and talked to me, we could have averted so much heartache but he retreated behind his shell and lashed out. So it may be the same case with your partner. Of course, on the other hand since he's telling you he's only still marrying you to save face, he might just need to be kicked to the curb. Still, go to counseling, get everything out on the table. And then go from there. Big hugs. It really does hurt, I know, but it does change as time goes by.

I wouldn't rule it out. Its possible he was reacting out of fear. If he is truly repentant and sincere, I'd consider it. Even if he's doing it out of obligation, he may find he was truly blessed by this baby. But if he is a bad person and you've witnessed this side of him, then no.

You don't need to get married. Lots of people have kids out of wedlock now adays. Although you have been together a really long time. I'd wait until after the baby is born and see how he is. If he continues to be a jerk about the baby ruining his "plans". Ditch him.

Oh, sweetie, please don't marry this guy. You have only had a small taste of what he is capable of. If you marry him, you and your children will be stuck. You won't have the same recourse you did the first time by just kicking him out. You will have a man who can hold your children over you to make you stay (or lose them). I think you already know your answer. If at all possible, I would even suggest moving far away from him, across the country if possible. Run, don't look back.

NO. NO. and HELL NO. He treated you horrible and will only marry you because everyone else will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn't???Totally wrong reasons for getting married. Drop him like a pancake. He showed his true colors about your baby----don't take him back! He is NOT worth it. Be strong and single. Its the best for your baby.

M

NOOOOOOOOOO! If you didn't know who he was before, you do now! Don't put you and your little one through this. If you were already married, I'd say put up with it and pray but he has made NO committment to you and if he doesn't want this baby, he won't want the next one either. He's so concerned about what people think and not what is right....I say run!

God bless you!

M.

I am so sorry to hear about that. I would not take him back at all. He ruined his chance by telling you to abort your pregnancy. He sounds verbaly abusive and you dont want your child seeing that. If he wants to try again well he has a lot of proving himself to do. I would not even think about marriage until after the baby is born. Because things definitely change once the baby is born.

Do not get married just to please other people. This will cause you, your boyfriend and your new baby more emotional pain later down the road when you are in court signing divorce papers. You should only get married because the two of you want to create a life together and become a family. Marriage is not taken very seriously now days and it is a shame. I wish you luck but make if he has already admitted his reasoning...I would be cautious to get back together. Do what it best for the two of you and for your baby. Allow him to be an involved dad if he wants to be...encourage this - for your baby. However...he may on the other hand be 100% absent. I wish you luck

No.

Life is short. There are worse things than being single...even with a child. Or maybe...especially with a child.

Wow - not sure you can ask "us" if you should take him back based on just reading your note. You have been with him for 3 years - what has he been like, how is/was your relationship? This is a huge, HUGE decision....you know him best, maybe he flipped out. Life takes twists and turns, it's hard to swallow it all sometimes. We all do things we regret. Thank GOD my husband has forgave me for somethings I have done and said. Do you love him? Would he be a good Dad and husband? Hang in there.....

apart from NO you should not marry him simply because he thinks he has to due to the baby.. Fact is... when people differ fundamentally, which sounds like you do in that you kept the baby even when HE wanted you to have an abortion.. in my opinion that is a STRONG difference.. it's up there with religion and a few other things.. I could be wrong, but if your core beliefs differ as such, then I don't think the two people belong together. Now if you asked me when I was 26 if things like this matter, I'd have said no......... BUT , now that I am older, I realize that when it comes to some things, the two people have to be on the same page.. in this case, even though you got pregnant at 26... I gather that because you didn't terminate the pregnancy that "possibly" your own belief system said.. NO don't do it.. and his said otherwise.. this to me is a MAJOR redflag.... not to mention, his mom butting in too.. Also, if he did marry you out of guilt, rest-assured he would probably guilt trip you.. It's NOT easy to be a single parent.. truly.. but going into a possible marriage for the sake of it, is not good either... life down the road would probably only be worse.. although, he SHOULD pay child support. I don't care IF he didn't want the baby.... there is a baby now... and now, he needs to help support it........ I wish you all the best

blessings

If he wants to take on the responsibilities of a dad, sure give him the chance to be a dad. He and your child deserve to have that chance. However, marriage "for the sake of the baby" or "because everyone will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn't" is a bad idea. The two of you don't have to be married in order for him to be a dad. Actually, I think more people will think better of him if he does take on the responsibilities of a dad than they would he married you to just keep up appearances.

No.

And let me put this bluntly: He does not want you or the child. I myself don't think not loving someone or not wanting children makes him a monster. It just makes him NOT the one for you.

No I wouldn't, but as others have said I would file for child support. I wish you the best and congrats on the new little one, sorry life has been so tough lately....hang in there!!

I wouldn't. If that monster has come out once, it could easily come out again. Especially when he starts thinking about if he made the right choice.

If he was doing this because HE wanted to, thought it was best, etc, then I would say go for it. But it's because of family pressure. I really think it's a risk not worth taking, for you or the child.

Short answer? NO!

Longer answer? In my mind, you answered your own question when you said, and I quote," He admits to only doing this because everyone will think he is the worst person ever if he doesn't marry me."

Three years in or not, why on earth would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you and your precious cargo?

I can tell you from personal experience....a relationship built on others (i.e. extended family) expectations is doomed from the start.

I would give him two black eyes a swift kick in the nuts (figuratively or publicly with humiliation) close the door and never even share a meal with him. How lucky for you to find out he would have constantly emotionally abused you following marriage.
He is PIG. He owes child support.
Women who have thyroid disease become normally fertile on the pill. Otherwise they might not ever conceive. The doctors themselves don't read the literature so they cannot tell you.
My pill failure has a name and I love her very, very much.