A.G.
Hi V.,
I too have a bonus-son (4 1/2) and a 13 month old daughter. Is he an only child at his mom's house? Our son is and it was a rougher adjustment for him with a little sister. He just wasn't used to having to share at home (his home with us or with his mom.) If he's the only child, he probably would get things at the snap of a finger, just because there's no one else taking mom and dad's attention, also add in the guilt mom and dad are feeling over the divorce, unconcious motives on either party's part to "make up" for the divorce or even to secure the child's affections. I don't mean this in a negative way toward either parent, but we are all human and do things without realizing them. All the factors play into his "snobby" attitude, so keep that in mind and know that he's too young for that to be his fault. :) Not to sound snippy!!!!
Also, I wonder what your relationship was with him before your baby was born. If your relationship wasn't strained before his little brother or sister was born, I would talk to him, let him know that you love him just as much as you did before the baby was born. Our son and I talked when his sister was born and he was wondering how we could love his sister without loving him less. I told him that my heart got bigger when his sister was born, so I could love them both just as much. I guess that sounds corny, but I wanted to reassure him and those were the words that came into my head!! :) :)
Also, give him the opportunity to be involved in his sibling's care. We would let our son hold his sister (with us right there of course) I would ask him to help me pick out her clothes, or hand me a diaper. Sometimes he enjoyed helping, sometimes he had no interest and I didn't press the issue if he wasn't interested. But I would ooh and aah over what a great big brother he was and how much his sister loves him. I'd point out when she'd smile at him and he got a kick out of it. It took longer for them to bond, because we only have him half the time. :( But they are really close now, they play together (usually chasing each other around the house, yelling like loons!)and he is currently trying to teach her new words.
With regard to bonding with him, I would just treat him as if he were your son. My husband and I try to each have one-on-one time with each of our children. I know that I am not his mom, but I love him as if I were. While I want to respect the fact that he has a mom, I never want him to feel left out. So sometimes, Dad plays with our daughter and he and I do something, just us two. Not even anything big, we colour or do a craft, we play legos or Chutes & Ladders. If I make a cake or cookies or whatever, we'll get a step stool and he helps. He gets to choose the colour of the frosting on the cake. I guess just the little things you would do with your three-month old when he/she is 6. I think kids are smart and they know when we are hiding something or being phony, just like an adult would. My husband often says kids aren't dumb, just inexperienced. So I wouldn't try and force anything that didn't feel natural to you and him. No grand gestures, just doing things together that you both enjoy. Like another person suggested, finding out what he likes and go from there.
I hope that I was able to help you and didn't sound preachy or condescending. It is a tough thing being part of a blended family, but we knew this when we fell for a guy who had a child. I had a friend who had a son when he was 7, she met her current husband. This guy loved her and wanted to be with her, he wanted children with her, and knew that in order to get her, he had to take her son too. This was a really good guy, but I thought his attitude was crummy. I like to think of it this way: I fell in love with a wonderful guy. Lucky me, I not only got the man of my dreams, he came with a bonus package--his son!! My poor husband, all he got was me!! ;)
Again, I hope you found some of my rambling helpful!
A. :)
