This is a little complicated, so I apologize for it being long.
My daughters' birthdays are both at the end of November. DD1 turns 2 on November 30th. And DD2 turns 1 on November 24th. Since it is only 6 days difference we are only having one party.
Here's the issue: I want ONE party, but my brother refuses to be anywhere my dad will be.
I have always stayed out of the situation. My brother has not seen or spoken to our dad in years. But he was in the Marines for 5 years, so it was never really an issue with our everyday lives. He just got out, so now I have a bit of a problem on my hands. I want ONE party and do not want to exclude either one of them.
I think it is extremely childish that my brother (who recently turned 24) refuses to even be around our dad. And my dad is just as stubborn so he won't take the first step to reconciliation. I do understand my brother's situation, though, because I did not speak to my mom for a few years. BUT - I still went to family functions, whether she was there or not. I simply avoided her and acted polite to keep the peace. I just do not see my brother acting civil, though.
I have already mentioned this issue to my mom, and she wants me to have TWO parties to avoid making a choice. But this just isn't something I'm interested in. I grew up with divorced parents, so I always had TWO of everything. I just want my daughters to enjoy ONE party with all of their family. Neither one of my parents are married now, and they have no issue with being civil to one another. I really do not feel like I should have to coddle my brother while he continues to be a jerk. And I don't want to hurt my dad who has always been a great grandpa. A compromise to getting one party and avoiding this awkwardness would be to have a small get-together/dinner with my dad. But then I feel like he gets jipped out of the party ordeal, especially if he knows we had one and he wasn't invited. And my dad has done a lot for my family.
My issue here is that I do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause tension. But I also don't feel like backing down on my own wishes.
Here are my choices:
1) Two separate parties
2) One party but just a quiet get-together with my dad
3) One party and to hell with what anyone else thinks.
Now, I honestly do not know if my brother even cares about his neices' birthday party. But I am unsure how to broach the subject. And of course I can't tell my dad that my brother will refuse to show up if everyone's invited to the same party.
My husband, daughters, and I are all moving to Tennessee next summer. So next year it is most likely that we'll either have two parties or we'll have to come back home for one. I just don't want to start all of that complicated mess already. :- /
What would you do??
i would do the one party and invite Dad and brother. let them decide if they want to come or not. Don't worry about what everyone else thinks.
I would have one party on the day that I choose. I would invite everyone who I wanted to attend. If someone chooses to come, great. Come and behave. If someone chooses not to come, that's up to them. All I expect is those who come behave themselves, period. Anyone, and I mean ANYONE who comes and does not behave themselves will be asked to leave so I may focus on my children, period. End of story.
K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
Option 3. One party. This isn't your issue, its theirs. If they want to behave like doodoo heads then fine. Its on them. One party.
Option 3, you are doing what you want for your girls and that is all that matters. I do the same thing for my two children and I do not get along with my mother nor does half of my dads family. Every year I have one party and I do invite everyone and it is up to them if they come or not. My mother is the only one who refuses to be civil and has not shown up for a birthday party for the last 4 years. It is her loss.
As you said you want to do one party for your girls and you should do what you feel is right!
#3
I would throw 1 party - invite everyone and whoever comes, comes. I wouldn't even say anything to your dad about the situation. If your brother asks I'd tell him it's one party - he can come if he'd like.
3. It's about your kids, right? Just let your brother know it's one party, dad will be there, and he can make his own decisions.
okay, honest answer: I stopped reading your post after you said you want only 1 party & you don't want to hurt feelings.
For me, that states your whole case. Everything else can be dumped.
Because in that statement, you have made your choice. AND it is the right choice. ONE party is fine, fantastic, & .....well, let those baby-acting relatives just suck it up. These are your children. This is your life. It is not your job to cater to individuals.
I know this sounds hard-core....but I truly believe this is an acceptable choice. Have one party, invite both relatives, & their issues are their problems..... :)
Now for the rest of the story: I was 23 when my parents divorced. After years of double parties to keep the battles/feuds from affecting all of us, my Sis & I put our foot down.....& went back to 1 party. Such a relief not to cater to/encourage/enable the division of the family! First couple of parties were awkward, but then time moved on & we became One Big Happy (somewhat) again. By the time my Dad passed away, our parties included both my parents + new spouses/SOs. :)
Have one party. Invite them both. If your brother refuses to attend because your Dad will be there, that's his choice, and too bad for him. If he no shows, I guess that tells you he's more interested in avoiding your Dad than coming to a party for his neice and nephew. Do you really think your small children will even notice or care which relative is absent as long as you have some kind of fun family party? Even if someone no shows, try not to make it a big deal. Some people would rather do their bonding with relatives away from parties, in a more quiet one-on-one way. Either or brother and/or your Dad could make this decision on their own, it's not your responsibility to orchestrate it for them. Let them worry about it. By inviting them both, you're staying staying neutral.
I'd do option 3. I think as adults we need to set the example to the little ones that we can be "adults" about a situation to be around others we don't care for. Your brother needs to grow up! I would explain to your brother you are having one party and you understand his feelings about your dad. Let him know attending the party would be for the sake of his nieces. Does not mean he needs to even talk to your dad. If he absolutely can't do that, offer for him to come before the party starts or after your dad has left.
My feelings about a party is, I'll invite everyone I want to invite. If they can come great and wonderful....if not thats ok too.
Have the party you want to have and the one that doesn't come can just come have dinner with your family a different evening and give the gift then. It's pretty simple. Don't give in to their demands, let them know by your actions that you plan on staying out of it.
#3 for sure. These are YOUR kids and it's THEIR party. If family members are too immature to behave respectfully and see beyond their own issues then they miss out, that's their choice.
Option 3.
Invite them all and let them decide. Not worth the stress on your part.
Honestly-I know you are thinking of your brother and your dad but this isn't about them. This is about celebrating your girl's birthday. Their birthday should be about them not about the tension between their uncle and grandpa.
You said you have always stayed out of it and I can understand that completely. Both my sisters hardly talk to each other BUT they respect our parents enough to be somewhat civil (of course it was several years to even get them to that point). And I think you should continue to stay out of it. Again this party isn't about them and they both need to grow up and realize that.
They aren't your first concern anymore, your kids are. So if they don't like that it's only going to be one party then too bad. Deal with it. Maybe that sounds harsh but it's not fair to you to have to throw two parties, it's not fair to your kids because now you are putting your kids in the middle of it.
I would just tell your family when the party is and leave out that you have invited everyone. The fact that you are only going to have one party should tell them that everyone is invited.
If your family wants two parties then maybe they need to throw it. It's not your responsibility. Granted you might make some people upset but again it's not about them. This is a birthday party for your kids. It should be about those two girls.
Your brother is the one acting immature. Let him make the choice to come or not. I would not go out of my way to accomodate someone who does not realize what the celebration is really about.
Number 3.
You're not making the choice, they are. Invite everyone who you would like to come and let them decide if they can make it or not.
If one of them doesn't come, I'd invite them over for lunch/dinner (something simple) some other time so they could still see the Bday girls.
One party. Let them decide. Invite both. Say you want them both there.
Are you kidding me!!? Easy answer - number 3!! It's their problem if they do not attend.
You don't need to rearrange your life for 2 GROWN men who are too egotisitical to get over their differences for 1 and 2 year old children. End of story, go with #3.
My sister refuses to be where my father is, as well. When my oldest (who is now 9) turned one, she (my sister) drove 3 1/2 hours from Chicago to come...realized my dad was here...and turned around & left. She's never been to a party since.
I talked to her about it that first year, and apologized for not thinking about them both being invited. But I told her that I wasn't changing the invites -- both are invited, and if she chooses to not come, that's her choice. I don't feel bad and she knows where I stand. It's her choice not to be around him -- not mine.
I hope this helps!
Have one party.
Put the ball in your brother's court...time to grow up!
If he doesn't show, his loss.
Do NOT play the game!
Not complicated AT ALL. This is their issue, not yours. You schedule your events how you want them, and let them work out their details.
You're taking on more than is yours to take on. You're doing their work. Stop it.
The birthday party is to celebrate the life of your two daughters. It is not about anything else. So do what is best for the girls and invite who you want to share the event with. If your guest decide to not come for whatever reason, that is their choice. I have the same issue with my parents. They have been divorced for over 20 years. My mom is remarried. My father is not. He goes through many girlfriends. Almost every family get-together there is some issue from whoever is girlfriend is at the time that she doesn't want to come or want my dad to come because she is uncomfortable my mom will be there. Did I mention they have been divorced for 20+ years. Usually my dad doesn't come which upsets me, but it is his choice.
