Beyond Irritated

Just wanted to say I appreciate you asking the question and everybody's helpful answers. Going through the same thing here so I found all of this very enlightening! Thank you!

HINT: Most kids your daughter's age (and many kids and teens and adults, depending on how tired and sore they are) will say they had an awful time IF YOU ASK THEM ON THE WAY HOME!!

They're tired. And they're honest. Right then, that moment... the excitement is over. Their feet hurt. Their muscles ache. That blister or rug burn is starting to throb. They're tired/ hungry/ tired/ tired/ tired/ need to pee (again), remembering that ONE THING they wanted to do but forgot about, are strapped in an uncomfortable seat (or slogging in the house trying to remember to hang up their coats)...

In short... they're miserable. And if you ask them how they're feeling... you're going to hear about how unhappy they are.

BIGGER HINT: Don't ask. Tell them (if they're not so cranky they're in argue-mode) how exciting/ fun/ etc. going to ______ was, and how happy you are they could come with you.

It's patterning. It's getting them thinking about the fun stuff, while in the "It's over! Big sigh!" exhausted let down... and in a year or two... or even just a few months... they'll do the EXACT same thing; tell you how happy they are that you were with them, what their favorite parts were, etc.

It just takes some time.

This is a phase that comes along with (wait for it) development. Specifically their pain receptors are more active starting at about age 4-5 because most of the axons have been myelinated BUT their short term sequential memory hasn't kicked in yet. So they're very much in the "here and now".... and here and now is tired/ painful/ crappy/ grumpy/ overstimulated. And FAR more so than it used to be. As a pure toddler (age 1-3) kids mostly just feel TIRED. Starting around age 4-5, they're tired AND sore.

Out of sorts is TOTALLY NORMAL, and to completely be expected.

I get discouraged too when my kids act like that. It seems like kids have a such a sense of entitlement these days.

Awhile back, my husband and I noticed that our kids were acting like complete, spoiled brats so we cut out almost all of our outings and trips to restaurants for months. Then, when we took them somewhere they thanked us profusely and seemed genuinely grateful that they were getting to go.

Save all the lectures and guilt trips, and just stop taking her to places for awhile. Actions speak louder than words.

Model grateful behavior to her. If she does something for you, tell her you how much you appreciate it. If your husband or a relative does something nice for you, let her hear you tell them how grateful you are.

Sometimes what kids say, and what they feel are two different things. I have a 5 year old, and in one breath she will thank me for giving birth to her, washing her favorite coat, giving her a snack she likes, and the movie she want to watch at that moment. Then she can turn around and scream her lungs out about how could I go and give her a baby sister AND baby brother, her juice isnt cold enough, her pants are too tight, and her hair is BROWN... ohh the horror. Kids are fickle. Its hard to teach them appreciation, when we bend over backwards to give them all they want. When they have so much they have no clue what appreciation is until they dont have it anymore.
Her behavior could have been based on the fact your ASKING her opinion at 4 years old. "Are YOU having a good time, have YOU had a good time? WHY are YOU crying about a Yo Yo?" these kinds of questions are loaded. Kids are not sure how to answer them, and when they figure out, if they answer tearfully and un-happily, they get much more attention and possibly something else out of it. I think the looks on their faces, and their actions speak louder than words. If she looks like she is enjoying it, SHE IS. No need to get a verbal response from her. Its only going to bite you in the end. You are enabling her to have more control over you, and to influence you and the way you decide on what to do next. My 5 year old wanted a Pretty Princess Pony Party, that she saw on a movie somewhere. I said no she is having it at Pump it Up, jumpy house. She pouted for the day, cried to her father, and whined about how she is badly treated. Now after a few days, its grown on her. Shes fine with it and is looking forward to it. Dont let your feelings get too bruised at this tender age, or you will fall prey to being that "give em anything" type mom.

I suggest you find a way to stop taking what she says personally. Accept that there are many reasons why she is crying and complaining. The first one that comes to mind is that she's under too much pressure to have fun. Sounds like you're trying too hard to give her a perfect experience and you're disappointed that she isn't thankful.

Kids feel the pressure and get overwhelmed. Just doing those two very active things in one week is too much stimulation for a 4 year old. I think that a quiet time together would've been more appropriate, especially after her being upset about the arcade. It was too much!

You said Daddy won lots of tickets. I suggest that may be part of the problem. Was she allowed to win tickets? Sounds like she wasn't really involved in doing her things. It was about Daddy winning tickets.

It is so very normal for all of us, adults and kids, to have bad times during which we are ungrateful. We need to accept this. We cannot be happy all of the time. Validate her feelings and she's more likely to come around to being happy. Accept that she was feeling sad, for whatever reason and stop trying to make her happy.

She is young, and it sounds as if these type of places may overstimulate her. Things have changed over the years, when I and my siblings were young we had simple birthdays at home with cake and family. I had a bigger party when I was 6 and hated it, too many people, lol! And I am still the same way, I don't care to be around a lot of people or in noisy places because they make me cranky ; )

Continue modeling grateful behavior and comments, and expect her to do the same. I like what you said to her, that her comments hurt your feelings. You'll teach her that she needs to be considerate of others and not just focus on her wants and needs, because the reality is that the world isn't going to be all about her.

I think this is pretty normal for a 4 year old. I doubt that she's ungrateful as much and overwhelmed and overstimulated. My kids gets like this on their birthdays and on Christmas. Nothing is enough, there always should be more, they didn't get what they wanted etc.. etc.. they are growing out of it, but it still crops up.

If what I read is what you meant, you're trying to make her grateful by telling her that "not all kids are fortunate enough to get to do all this stuff and get all the toys and extras she wants..."? Maybe you do and give too much. Kids don't become grateful by us telling them they should be. Maybe she *is* grateful for you washing her blanket and making a good dinner. Maybe those things are important to her and going to an arcade and winning tickets and driving an hour to some other place because the one you wanted to go to was closed doesn't matter as much to her as it does to you.

I would stop taking it personally and stop running circles to "make" her happy. She's four. She should be able to have a good time playing with you at the park.

Sounds totally normal to me . . . your expectations sound unrealistic.

Kids are egocentric and dynamic (changing from one minute to the next).

I wouldn't put much stock in what she says "in the moment" - gives her too much power over your moods which can be unsettling to children.

I think you're expecting a level of appreciation and understanding from a just-barely-4 year old that is not reasonable. Just because WE think about something a certain way doesn't mean they think about it the same way. You're totally right in wanting your kids to appreciate what they have, but at the same time, keep it in perspective and don't take things personally (even though it's hard). You've posted before about this kind of thing and wanting her to appreciate things/behave a certain way and it seems like there is something deeper going on for you - if this is true, dig into this and try to understand it, cause if you're trying to "fix" or deal with some baggage from your childhood, it can really get stirred up with kids (if I'm off base on this thought, ignore it :) . Stuff is not important, love is. Good luck!

I understand your frustration and hurt. But....she is 4! She doesn't look at things the same way you and I do---she is a child and doesn't see that she is being ungrateful etc. She sees it as being honest-answering you honestly etc. Children especially 3,4,5, year olds are learning how to be independent and its all about them. She doesn't mean it intentionally to hurt you---but she is self-centered and that is completely natural and normal for her age. You are expecting her to react in a way she isn't capable. Instead of asking her if she had a good time- or a yes/no answer---ask her a direct " Mary, what did you like about your birthday? What was your favorite part of the day? What did you enjoy the most? What would you like to do next year? Open ended questions that will get her thinking will be more positive for you and her. Good luck!

M

When my son was four, I had another baby. One day, we were walking out the door, going to the car. I had the baby in my arms, plus my lunch and his lunch. I said to my son, "Will you please turn off the light?" (as we were walking out the door). He said, "No, I don't want to." My head about exploded. So, I said, "Okay, go to the car please." And then I took a big deep breath. I turned off the light and went and got into the car. I turned and looked at my son and said, "When we get home tonight, you need to make your own dinner, run your own bath water, get dressed by yourself, read your own book, and put yourself to bed." He looked shocked and said, "Why??" (in a big whiney voice). I said, "Because you aren't willing to help me. When I ask you to turn off the light, that is me asking you to help me. If you are not willing to help me, then I am not willing to help you anymore either. So, you are going to need to start taking care of all the things that I currently help you with. Families generally like to help each other in this way. But, if you don't want to help me, then that means you don't want to participate in the family. That's fine. But, I'm just letting you know the things that you need to start doing by yourself." He said, "But I want to be part of the family." And I said,"So, next time I ask you to help me by turning off the light, you turn off the light." He said Okay. And, I think that discussion REALLY opened his eyes. He has always been really helpful since then.

So, basically, what I am saying is that it may be time to have a heart to heart discussion with her - which is what it sounded like you did when you told her it hurt your feelings. Put it all in terms that she can relate to and understand. And, make there be some consequences if she continues to behave this way.

Good luck!
L.

You already have a lot of responses here, but I wanted to share a few thoughts. I have been frustrated at times with my 5 year old showing "entitlement." A few things that helped him put things into perspective.

1) Instead of asking, Did you have fun? Try asking "What was your favorite part? That helps put things into a positive light.

2) Instead of talking about others not being so fortunate, can you think of an age-appropriate way to help those less fortunate. For example, my kids loved picking out toys for the angel tree at Christmas, helping deliver meals on wheels, and caroling at a nursing home. This gives kids a sense of accomplishment and also helps them see different things.

3) Don't discount the overstimulation factor. At the past 2 class parties I attended for my Kindergartener, at least a few tears were shed by students. It was just so much for some of them to take in- the loudness, the change in routine, being hungry/tired/etc. It seems that so often when my kids act up at fun activities, it is because I missed early signals that they were getting tired/hungry/overstimulated and that it was time to make a safe exit. Last summer I carried a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a small cooler out of the water park because I thought that we were having so much fun and should stay through nap time. BIG MISTAKE, everyone had a melt-down and boy was I sorry. (I tell you that just so you know that I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, but I am trying to share what I have learned from my own mistakes.)

Anyway, Don't stress to much. Remember- this stage will pass! :-)

Riley had a lot of good suggestions about what may be going on. I would also say that maybe your daughter just has expectations that don't fit well. I can remember doing things and expecting them to be "SO MUCH FUN!" and they were fun, but not as much fun as I was expecting I would have merely because it was my birthday. It's like I expected everything to be MORE fun JUST because it was my birthday.
Could that be part of it too?

If you build something up in advance of the event, then the kids feel pressure to have more fun than they might if they had no expectations, so there isn't the "let down" afterwards. Or they can just build things up in their minds and then nothing can live up to it. Like letting your kid anticipate going to the circus for a month, talking about how much fun it will be (generally) and they expect it to be fun. Then they get there and it is fun (some of it) but there is a lot of sitting and waiting and not being able to see b/c of the person in front of them, or the action is at the other end, and they see a kid with ___ and they want it but your kid doesn't get to have it b/c you already bought them ___. Well, they are going to be a little disappointed b/c it wasn't what they were expecting. Maybe they were expecting to be up running around playing with clowns the whole time. Maybe when they heard there would be elephants they thought they would get to touch them or ride them, rather than just SEEing them. Etc....
And be careful when you are there, that your child doesn't hear/see you doing/saying anything negative b/c they will pick up on those cues. Not saying you did that, but if you are sitting at the circus grumbling about the hard seat, expect your kid to focus on how uncomfortable the seat is, ya know?

She is little she may have expected something that was different from what you ended up doing and was disappointed. At that age what she expected or wanted may have been totally unrealistic--not because it wasn't enough but because kids that age are magical thinkers. I had a lot of "we can't do X because it is impossible" type conversations with my kids, especially my off the wall creative son.

I cannot believe you drove an hour to another place?? I would've told her, I'm sorry I didn't know it was closed today. Let's come back tomorrow. She sounds like she gets her way around you. Or was that just because it was her birthday?
I agree with the previous poster who said you should do some PR afterwards and setting her expectations like: Wow, wasn't that so fun?! Instead of asking her if she had a good time.