Best Friends Who Are Not Friends!!!

I've been a parent for 27 years and an elementary teacher for 25, and the advice others have written about caution in ordering her not to see this friend are dead on.
Our job as parents is to instill values so that the child can learn to respond appropriately to all kinds of people. Keep repeating (as trite as it is) the Golden Rule. When you're snuggling with her before bedtime, let her know how proud you've always been of her careful heart, that it's one of the things that makes her special. And share your desire that she would never outgrow that. Unless there is physical damage occurring, parental intervention in childhood politics is dicey. Your daughter needs to learn to trust her own abilities to behave appropriately. Keep affirming the positive values, and she will come to embrace them as her own.

It might help to look at things from a different perspective, what is causing the "good friend" to act like she does? I once had a friend when I was in middle school. Her home life was severely lacking. Her parents didn't seem to care what she did. So her way of acting out was to do stupid things like hiding your book bag and just generally annoying you. Needless to say she didn't have many friends after she started doing that.

Consider speaking with your daughter about inappropriate behavior between friends, then invite this "good friend" over to your house. You can monitor the children's activities and intervene if necessary. This may also give you a chance to speak to her parents and give you some idea as to where she is learning this behavior. If you still don't feel that things are getting better, let your daughter know it may be best to take a breather on this friend for a while and redirect her attention. Hopfully the friendship with the younger girl will get better as well as you discuss what a good friendship is.

I would say to be cautious about choosing your daughters friends, that may come back to hurt later on. Talking with your daughter about relationships is very good. Explaining to her that she is an individual and that she does not have to do what her "group" does will be valuable as she develops more relationships. As far as dealing with the neglectful friend, you should use her as an example in explaining what is not a good habit to have if she wants to develop strong relationships. And also explain that some people will have these distant relationships and not to take it to heart or follow it if it's not in her to do so.

The reason why I would take this approach is because even as adults we will have friends who relate differently. We can't expect the same from each friend or dictate how they act, but we can expect them to act exactly how they are going to. Sometimes these distant people need some more reaching out from us, and even in that situation you really have to gauge whether or not you're giving too much and not getting it back. I would say the best bet is to teach you're daughter how to treat each relationship as it's own. Then she will always be in control of what's going on around her.

I have found that telling your child that a friend is not a good friend and allowing them to make the choice is not that easy. Often they choose to keep that friend around either to be difiant or to keep themselves from becoming a target. It may be helpful to think of a situation where your child was treated badly and allow them to remember the hurtful feelings it caused. Sometimes it is very helpful in getting them to understand when you can get them to spend some time in the other person's shoes. It is also good to tell her that she will get back whatever it is she puts out there, good for good, and bad for bad. When all else fails, that is when being the parent has to take over. Give them the option to make the right decision on their own, but when that doesn't work, then you must intervene. Explain to her why she can no longer continue in this friendship, then tell her that it must end. For her to stand by and see wrongness and do nothing about it, is just as bad as if she'd done it herself. Reinforce her being an INDIVIDUAL. That it isn't important for her to 'join in'. And "why would she want to do what everyone else is doing anyway??"