My son is now 18 months old. He still does not sleep through the night, getting up anywhere from two to five times. Divorced and living with my family this has presented some issues.
My son is very intelligent, he picks up on things quite quickly and developed language skills well. He spoke his first word at eleven months and walked for the first time at ten. He speaks in short phrases now and is able to connect things and recall individuals very well.
My son does not listen, at all. I've have tried many things to correct his behavior without any success. We've tried speaking to him firmly, yelling, squeezing his hand and correcting him, time outs, and even spanking (twice which I will not repeat because it made me feel like a terrible mother and had zero effect).
My eighteenmonth old son hits, head bangs, throws objects, kicks and pulls hair. Nothing will stop him, he does not care about any consequence or punishment. Distraction works sometimes, but rarely and after a few minutes he goes right back to the poor behavior. He has broken many objects, ripped clothing and destroyed things because of his behavior/listening issues. He has broken my nose, given me a black eye and many many bruises.
I do not know what as I parent I am not doing correctly or could be doing to help my son have a happier and healthier life. Family members dread babysitting (I'm a full time student so this is necessary) because of his behavior.
He has tantrums, which I know is normal but I'm not quite sure that the level he takes them to is normal. My son will slam his head against walls and the floor, resulting in bruises and bumps. If it didn't hurt bad enough the first few times he'll keep going until he's really in pain. We've tried ignoring his tantrums. Sometimes it also seems as though he gets himself so upset he doesn't know what he wants anymore.
I've talked to the doctor about him not sleeping through the night but was told that nothing is medically wrong with him.
Please, I'm a first time mom and my ex-husband chooses to not be involved. I do have the luxury of having my parents and 14 year old sister to help out but any advice would be greatly appreicated! Thank you.
ADDED:
I have spoken to his doctor about it, but months ago when it was just beginning and it was actually her who recommended the hand squeezing.
Co-Sleeping is not an option as I'm living in the damp basement, not good for a young child and also have a twin size bed, not roomy enough to be safe to sleep together.
I plan to bring this issue to my son's doctor's attention again at our next appointment.
First of all I would like to clear up that I do not believe any form of corporal punishment with my son and do not wish to use any on him.
Believe it or not I solved my son's behavior (not sleeping) problems in a snap. After talking to his Papa who watches him for three hours for one of my classes I found out that he'd been watching Shrek. Well, Shrek is rated PG and has a lot of fight scenes as well. As soon as I eliminated this movie and explained to my dad that my son couldn't watch PG movies the problem went away.
I also use time out and explain to my son why he's going in time out and make him ALWAYS apologize when he comes out. I also emphasize when my son makes good decisions and when he makes a poor one I tell him that he made a bad decision and why it was a bad decision.
My son's pediatrician's recommendation for sever tantrums, which could be a part of his personality (my biological father - not the one mentioned above and my ex-husband both have sever anger issues) and it could be heredity...was for me to bear hug him. No matter how much I get pushed or bruised or upset my son got I should bear hug him. This really helps because my son does not know how to calm himself down once he gets to a certain point and therefore my bear hugging him helps to give him a safe warm space and way to calm down.
My son now has a twin bed that he sleeps in, which helps him make it through most nights. Some nights he still wakes up once or twice but he usually goes right back down without much of a problem. He just needed a REAL big boy bed. I started him with safety rails on the side of his bed but he didn't like them much. So now he just has his mattress on a bunkie board without a box spring so it is still very low to the ground.
Thanks to all of you who offered advice.
More Answers
L.F.
answers from
Denver
on
Have you considered taking him to a behavior analyst? They specialized in these types of behaviors. My husband is a pediatrician and will be the first to admit that he had little training in this area. You live close to the one of the best developmental schools in this country. Look for the Center for Human Development through William Beaumont Hospital in Berkely, MI (near Royal Oak). They helped change our lives and I hope you are able to get the help and or direction you need from them. They have wonderful professionals that will do a thorough series of tests to help find the root cause of his behaviors. These are not lab tests but actual observations and discussions with you. HOpe this helps. L. in WV
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G.K.
answers from
Detroit
on
Dear M.,
I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You are doing the best thing by getting your degree and attending school.
There is a book called "What to expect the toddler years" and it explains different techinques to discipline your child. He right now might be experiencing separation anxiety from you, which is normal at his age and wants your full time attention. Babies are really sensitive to stress and if you are stressed out he is going to sense it. Check out the book, it really helps with Q&A's.
Good Luck!
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D.Y.
answers from
Detroit
on
You say you sleep in the basement - where does your son sleep? Have you considered getting a fullsize bed and rooming in with him? Even if you put the mattress on the floor it could help.
I say this as a full time working mom: I think he misses you. You're at school full time and he's not sure how to process his feelings of missing you so he's acting out. It's hard, I know. Co-sleeping can help him fulfill his need to be close. I co-sleep with my daughter and it's really what she needs to be sure she gets her full "mommy dose" for the day.
I hear good things about "The Discipline Book" by Dr Sears. Maybe you could check it out at the library?
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N.G.
answers from
Los Angeles
on
i feel like you are very young not that is bad i just dont think he is geeting the atantion he needs i know its hard as a single mom but spanking and screeming not going to work try to spend more time with him take him to the park get him involved with other kids good luckto you
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A.S.
answers from
Detroit
on
Dear M.,
You have so much going on and yet are able to stay in a positive light when describing your son's difficulties. While I know you obviously could only give an outline of the scenarios that play out in these tantrums, they do sound extreme to me. In particular, the head-banging until he actually experiences the pain. I also wonder how he responded when he broke your nose or bruised you... Based on what you Did share, I would rec'd getting an evaluation with a child psychologist or neurologist. Sleeping through the night is certainly not unusal, although it could be another factor in understanding what is happening for him. I wonder what his schedule is like and where he sleeps? How much time does he get with you and how does he respond when you come and go? It would likely be best to start with a psychologist and they can refer appropriately if they cannot help resolve the issues behaviorally and with some sound suggestions for you. I have much compassion for you. I, too, am single mother and had a little boy who posed some real challenges around that age. I hope this is not too much feedback! Best to you. A.
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E.P.
answers from
Detroit
on
M.,
I can only relate in that my second child is now 19 months and she is very determined and somewhat rough--at least for a girl anyway. She loves to flail her arms and does hit her sister, me and daddy a lot when she gets mad. We try to do one minute time outs as the consequence for rough behavior--basically us holding her down in the chair for one minute. I'm sure one day her stubbornness will be an asset... Her tantrums do not cause her to hurt herself so that is certainly a cause of concern for your son. But i can say, that usually what gets her in trouble is when we want her to behave a way that is partially unrealistic. It the end, it usually is a sign to me, to stop what i 'm doing and spend some time interacting with her and removing or addressing whatever was the source of the problem. I guess my only advice is to make sure you are having quality playtime with him. Misbehaving is truly a call for attention. This stage does require a lot of energy and love showered on him. Don't feel like you are caving in and what not--no doubt he is smart but remember he is also only 18 months old! He is constantly looking for attention and assurance from you--that's pretty much the entire point of the day from his perspective. Just be consistent with your discipline and time outs. You may want to look into "love and logic" the book and discipline style that is very well known and successful. Other recommendations include making sure his diet is free from processed junk and dyes,etc. As for sleeping... I recommend co-sleeping if that would help him. It's more normal than you think for toddlers to not sleep the night solid.
I have found that the challenges our kids bring us are not for our kids to solve, but for us to change our expectations and expand our knowledge base. Life is often throwing us unique challenges because there is something in it for us to learn in order to have that happy and healthy life that we all continuously work for. Not to get all philosophical on you but i find comfort in that mindset because i think we often look to blame ourselves when things don't go according to our plan.
Sounds like you are a loving mother, working hard to get to where you want to be. Hang in there! It will happen!
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A.C.
answers from
Detroit
on
M.,
I am sorry you are having so much trouble. My son is also 18 months and is very strong willed. He throws little fits when he doesn't get his way, but he doesn't act quite as aggressively as you say your son does. I would suggest you discuss these behaivors with the pediatrician as they do seem rather extreme.
In the meantime (pardon my bluntness) you really shouldn't squeeze your son's hand or yell at him. Yelling never works; and in my experience as a parent and moreover, as a teacher, I can tell you yelling is counterproductive. If he is having trouble with temper issues and not listening, yelling is just going to aggravate it.
