Behaving in Church

That sounds like a nightmare! Do you have a friend or a family member that can go with you to help?

Our son also had some issues with behavior in church when he was younger, so I feel your pain! He's now 4 and behaves so well we sometimes get compliments from other parishioners about how well behaved our children are.

Our philosophy is that if you don't take kids to church and try to teach them to behave in church, they'll never learn how to behave in church. So, here are a few things we tried that must have worked, since things are better now. We would let him choose a quiet toy to take with him to mass to keep him occupied. We would also try to sit close to the front, but on an outside aisle so that we could make a quick exit if necessary. We found if we were closer to the front he behaved better since he was able to see the priest and was more aware that something was going on. In the back it seems to kids like just a bunch of people sitting on pews.

Someone else also suggested Saturday evening mass. This also worked well for us. He was usually more tired and sometimes would fall asleep during mass. (At the very least, he was too worn out to make much of a scene.) Then we could leave him sleeping in the pew while we went to communion. (Remember, we are sitting close to the front.)

When he was in his worst stage, we would sit in the cry room sometimes, but still made the kids follow the rules just the same as if we were in the sanctuary. Luckily at our church, the cry room goes to communion first, so it's not a long trek up the aisle.

I'm sure you've mentioned to your husband about his behavior, but have you tried actually asking him to go with you to help with the kids, at least until the behavior issue resolves? He might go if you asked him straight out. You might also ask him to take the 2 year old with him to his services while you take the other 2 with you.

Lastly, don't be so hard on yourself. The people staring have most likely been in a similar situation with their kids and are just watching sympathetically. I've felt like wanting to ask a parent if they needed help when they were having a tough parenting moment, but didn't want to freak them out or make them feel like I was judging them. I'm guessing that's how most of the people feel. Just remember, this stage will eventually pass and he will learn to behave in mass. Good luck!

I wish I had some wonderful advice, but my son has done the same thing. I send him with my mom and brother now - he bahaves completely differently with them, and it's his special time with them. My son actually got loose from me while they were still doing communion, took off around the side of the church (with me chasing him) and made it all the way up to the priest before someone bothered to help me. I found out then that my church was basically split into two camps - the ones that came up afterwards and laughed it off and told stories about their kids doing similar stuff, and the old ladies who gave me dirty looks.
I guess the only thing I would suggest is to either sit right up front so you don't have to wait in line, or find another mom and you guys can switch off watching the kids while you go up for communion. I know you're supposed to take them up with you so they get blessed and whatever, but really, it's not worth your sanity. Also, if it comes down to it, you could remind your husband that when he married you he agreed to raise any children in the Catholic faith, so he should be helping you out with it. Best of luck to you.

I also don't know why others are not helping you. The little ones are too young to understand what the wafer is for. Are the 2 and 4 year old receiving the wafers? I guess they don't have children's church or nursery? Seems to me like you are attending the wrong church. Churches are supposed to be family friendly.

I love the Lord with all my heart. He really is most important in my life. My relationship with him is very personal. I would love to be in a good church. But frankly, I have found that they do not understand my daycare children or the fact that I do daycare on the weekends at all. Every church I have ever stayed at for months on end has become problematic. I even had one pastor ask me not to bring any daycare children because of the liability. It's not like I have a lot of daycare kids on the weekends! I am talking about 3-4 at the most. They are also various ages which would mean different rooms. So no one person would be overwhelmed.

In another church we attended, there was nothing for the kids from 3-7. So we took over that age group. My husband and I did it every weekend for a year. Not one person offered to relieve us so we could hear a message.

There are many other ways to worship.

Suzi

GOOD FOR YOU!!! Boy do you have your hand full! Thank you for being an example for your kids and taking them to church even though it is hard. So many people just give up. Don't feel so bad about his behavior either. It is perfectly normal at that stage. I am not Catholic so I don't know exactly how it works, but are there other mom's at your church who you could maybe take turns with? While you are take communion, they get the kids and then you get all of them while they go? We have also enlisted the help of the teenagers in the congregation. Find a 12-14 year old who loves kids and ask them to be your little guys special buddy. This will give you a much needed extra set of hands as well has help to keep him occuppied during the service. It will probably help the teenage find some motivation to be there as well.

I am also Catholic, have 3 children and a husband who is not Catholic. Plain and simple, my 2 1/2 year old stays at home with my husband. No one else gets anything out of mass with a crazy 2 year old. Its like a 3 ring circus and my older 2 behave horribly when the 2 year-old is there. When he is not there, the older 2 behave much better and I even have the ability to point things out and show the older 2 how to follow the misslette. I know we are Catholic and that we have to go to mass every week, but wouldnt you rather get something out of it than just check it off the list for the week? You can tell your other one that the rule is that once you turn 4 you have to go to church.

Just my opinion. Good luck!

Do you have anyone that you sit with or are close to in church that does not have small children? If so, ask them for help with you 2 yr. old. They will probably be more then happy to help you out. Your church "family" is a wonderful resource and are very understanding. Believe me we older mothers have been through this. Thankfully, my youngest is going through the second year confirmation program now but was the same "holy terror" when he was 2 years old. My husband also is not catholic and therefore I didn't have his help either. But there were other "family" members in church that did help out if I needed the help. Keep your faith, it will get better....

Wow...three little ones...marching down the aisle for communion...I guess MY question is...WHY on earth haven't one of the other parishioners offered to give you a hand??? Do you have a friend that you could sit with who could at least take over with the little one so you didn't have to juggle a baby AND the misbehaving 2 year old all at the same time? Try your level best not to get upset with yourself about this...believe me, the other Moms and Dads understand exactly what you are dealing with.
I would use some positive reinforcement with your son, take along some crayons, a book, some quiet toys and explain to him that IF he behaves during church that he will then get to ..... (fill in the blank here with something that he really likes to do)If he does NOT behave, he is going to have to go to time out when he gets home, or won't get to play outside, or whatever he would really miss if you took it away from him. He is old enough to be making the connection and he is old enough to understand what you want when you ask him to behave in church.
If your church has a nursery, I would also consider leaving him there for a while...until he is a little more mature and can sit quietly and behave. Whatever happens...I want to commend you for going to church and taking your children with you!!!
R. Ann

It is unrealistic to expect a 2.5 year old to behave in church. It is also unrealistic to expect you, alone, to handle all three children in church. Your husband should stay home with them or come with you. If this is important to you, then he should support you.

honey i know catholic churches can be very serious and somber, but don't think for a S. that everyone watching a woman by herself taking care of three small children is judging you - most probably wish they could help. you only have two arms, after all! my 2 1/2 year old is a terror at times, i can totally understand - and i don't have two more to deal with. i also don't prescribe to the "send them to play for an hour in the nursery" idea...my son is WAY too smart for that and would take advantage of it - i'd never get him in church again. so he stays, and he is expected to behave. i know full well he is capable of it. we take plenty of snacks and he knows his "job" is to sit and read or color. i understand you probably have tried these things, but my advice is, can you sit with a friend that could help you? everyone loves babies, surely someone would love to hold your littlest while you deal with the 2 year old. even if just for those few minutes during communion. and also - i find that a dum-dum sucker at these moments can be quite influential! especially if he knows (yes, call it bribery), that after church if he's good he'll get one...it can be quite helpful. i don't do it all the time, but during some situations i don't see a problem with it. also my son LOVES to play on the playground equipment at our church, so that is some leverage too. whatever they're interested in...use it as leverage! good luck!

PS, there was one week i was so humiliated i was also in tears at a couple points...i made so many trips to the "cry room" at the back of the sanctuary that that in itself was becoming disruptive - he'd see us heading for it and start up in earnest, being even louder...i ended up taking him to the car and he KNEW he was in trouble. we sat there waiting for the rest of my family (it happens that i go to church with my family, and that sunday had given my little brother a ride) and i pretty much lectured him for the rest of the service. it happens...they're two!!

Do you have a friend that goes to the same church? Maybe she would be willing to sit together and help entertain one or two of the kiddos for you. Does your church have a nursery? Why not let at least the two-year-old stay in there so you can try to have a peaceful service. (I'm sure God would rather you be able to enjoy a few minutes of peace compared to forcing your two-year-old to attend service.) Just my thoughts.

Hi C.!

You are not alone at all!!! Many, many moms (including myself)are going through or have been there at some point of motherhood. It is very embarrassing and frustrating, I know.
First of all know that this is a phase, and it will pass. In the meantime, just be practical and realistic; some children may go to church and behave exceptionally, and some others not just because of character, temper, or many other reasons. So, do not sweat and do what is possible to do now. I mean do not receive communion, go and seat with them with some little books or any toy that is not noisy. Or just go to the children' s room if this works for your children. (I cannot do that because my little one does not behave..he imitates other children and you know, the problem of misbehaving gets "contagious" -lol-)
Honestly, I don't know about having other people watching over your little ones while you receive the communion, not everybody is willing or just they don't feel comfortable doing it, anyway there will be always someone nice to help. Also that depends if your children want to be with someone else, probably gets worse..I don't know, you probably will know.
Just do not worry if you cannot attend mass the way you want to do it. All this will pass, in the meantime, as I said go when is possible to go by yourself; practice attending mass with your little ones at home, create a pacific atmosphere in a room, pray and talk to them teaching them what is expected from them. Sometimes, take them to church, and seat in the back of the church so you are ready to go out if the situation gets "critical", do it little by little and not every Sunday or Saturday. Relax, and forget about those always present "dirty looks", just ignore them. C., know that children sometimes will behave in not very nice or expected ways even when we teach them well. Kids are kids and we are all moms try to do our best.
The most important: God knows you are there, and He understands you VERY well....

God bless and good luck!!!!
Alejandra

I don't have any advice for getting your son to behave - mine is 5 and I still have to ask him to be quiet and stay in his seat almost every Sunday! But, I do want to tell you not to worry about what other people are thinking! I would bet money they have all been there at some point in their lives! At least your there with your kids encouraging them to know God. They will eventually get it!

This is the type of situation that we often find ourselves in, but didn't see coming, as parents. In an ideal world, we try to look ahead and see that one woman and 3 young children in a church service without childcare being provided is going to be problematic. Although I can think of many possible solutions, none of them leave you alone with all 3 children. These are not just your children and their care is not only your responsibility. If you were a devoted Catholic when your husband married you, then supporting your spiritual needs is part of the package. But there are a variety of ways in which he can support the situation.

If he does not want to attend mass with you, why not leave the 2 year old with him while you take the other two? I'm not Catholic, but I don't think children that age are required to attend mass. Then, as he grows and matures, he can learn that getting to attend mass with Mom is a privilege that comes with maturity.

Another option is to talk to church administrators or members and ask them to recommend a teenager to be your assistant. Find out if this is something the church is willing to help you with by finding a volunteer to help. If this is not appealing or doesn't work out, you can offer your husband a third option for playing a supportive role. He can pay to hire a sitter to either keep the 2 y/o while you are at church or attend church with you. I've often advised mothers and grandmothers to hire sitters to help them while they are with their children, not just when they have to be away from them.

In regard to feelings of humiliation, it is the church that might want to re-think its responsibilities. How can people just stand by and watch these situations week after week and not suggest that the church find a way to help you? If the church does not understand that it takes a village to raise a child, who will? If you bring this to the church's attention, they may come up with a plan to support other women in your situation as well. Something tells me that you are not the only Catholic woman at mass with too many young children and no one to help.

I have found that I am most frustrated when I try to solve a problem that was not meant to be solved by me alone.

We are not catholic but our church provides childcare for children 6 wks to kindergarden.Then they have a children's church for Kindergarden to 6th grade.I do feel it's important for you to take your children with you and not leave them with Dad.However I also think it's important for churches to do children's classes so that the parents may participate in their service and the children have something on there level.Your lil' guy does not have the attention span to pay attention in an adult service.Does your church not offer something for children?If not could you find another church that does?Maybe try your Husband's church?I understand you probably value your religion but it's not about what religion we are it's about serving God and you and your family are not able to do that at all right now.So you might consider going to a church with your husband or another Catholic church so that you and your family can all enjoy your time at church.

I have four kids and have been going to church every Sunday with the kids with my husband going occasionally, one of the boys being ADHD. I was raised Catholic, but go elsewhere now. I had decided, finally after many problems like yours, that at that age they aren't getting much out of the service and neither am I when they are along, especially with my ADHD one. I usually would end up babysitting and chasing them the whole time. So, I started leaving him at home with the hubby until they got a little older and could understand better and would say prayers and teach him about God at home, reading kids bible stories to them. Going to church isn't get them to heaven, but knowing and loving God will. My grandmother, Catholic, had five and had said they don't need to go til they are older. She would go to church with the older ones, then come home so her husband could go when they had little ones, and taught them at home, so I followed her lead. All of her kids ended up very dedicated to God. My kids all know God too. If they start going at a little older, they aren't going to remember later that at age 2 they didn't go.

Does you church offer sunday school classes? I used to teach sunday school for 3 to 5 year olds at ICD. Depending on which church you go to the fees are low and it will also teach him religion on his level. Good Luck! D

I understand that it's important for you to share the experience of Church with your kids and I commend you for taking them on your own, but maybe your 2 year old can stay home with dad; and when dad comes, he can stay seated with the 2 year old during communion or take him on a brief walk outside at that time. It's great to get kids used to sitting still for mass but at 2, he's not quite there yet! By the time the baby is 2, the one who's 2 now should be old enough to make it the whole hour and then the baby can be 'dad's buddy'.

No advice, just encouragement! My husband does not go to church with me either (I'm not Catholic, so I just take our daughter to the nursery at this point since she's only 2), but I know the day will come when she's got to be still for service and it will be difficult. Hang in there!!! God bless!!

I'm Catholic also. There are four children in my family and when I was a child, Mom & Dad always sat in the front pew because then we weren't looking at the back of people's heads but could see Father. Sitting towards the front also helps because the walk to communion is much shorter. Not sure which parish you belong to, but mine and another near us has not only Saturday mass, but Sunday evening (5pm). We have a 9 month old and it seems to work best for him. 11am is the middle of his nap time. The 5pm Sunday (and Saturday eve mass) are typically a little more relaxed. Although Saturday eve tends to fill up with blue hairs ;)
Do you have a sling/carrier for the baby? It may help you get through this phase with the little guy if you have both hands free. It might be a little cumbersome, but I'm guessing he's a typical 2 yr old and this is a phase, so it may get you thru the phase.... or, if you bring her in in her carrier and sit in the front pew, she can stay there while you and the boys go up (at my church, you'd never be more than 10 feet from her).
Most of all, remember that, as the other poster said, half the people have been through what you are going through and sympathize and anyone who is judging you (a) shouldn't be if they consider themselves good Catholics and (b) should try to do what you are doing once and then they'll feel differently.
Just thought of this, sorry. The other option is leaving baby girl at home with Dad since it's much earlier in the learning process for her. It's more important that the 2 yr old learn how to behave than it is for her right now. Plus, then you will not feel pulled in so many directions. As I said earlier with the sling/carrier, it's a temporary fix, but may be enough to get him where he needs to be so mass isn't so stressful.

God bless you for taking on this task alone! I have a 2 and a half year old and a 6 month old and I panic when my husband decides to be an usher at church! But, I've learned to adjust. Here's a few tricks I try with my 2 and a half year old to keep her quiet during church.

First, do you have a nursery? This might be a big help to you. I can't get my 2 year old to go in there without screaming for me, but maybe if you can get your 4 year old in there, your 2 year old will be more willing to go and then you and the baby can have a peaceful service. They would also likely keep your three month old, but I always prefer to keep the baby with me.

Since my 2 year old will not go in, I have to adjust. My church has bags for children who stay in the service. As soon as we get to church, my two year old goes running over to pick out her bag. It's filled with a notebook that has crayons and paper and then usually a book. This helps to keep her occupied and it would be easy to put together. For a back-up, I also bring several other "quiet" activities. My daughter is way into Dora, so I bought a little travel sized dora coloring book that came with crayons. She loves to pull this out during church and this is the only time I give it to her. I also have something similar to an etch-a-sketch that I bring and she likes to play with. I also bring several snacks with me because if all else fails, giving her oranges will usually keep her quiet (plus, church is late for us (11) so she does get hungry. If these things don't work, I take her and my other child out of the room and go and sit in our narthex. We have a very nice area outside of teh sanctuary where I can watch and listen but the kids don't have to be as quiet. It's not ideal, but it does allow me to participate some. My old church had a cry room that was set up with audio so that might be an option. Talk with the people at your church and see if they have any options. You aren't the first person to have to go alone to church with little ones and someone might be able to help come up with some ideas for you.

Finally, Jesus said let the children come to me. My father is a pastor and he said he welcomes children in the sanctuary during church. No one expects kids to be perfect all of the time--especially little ones. I think if you sit in the back and take them out if they get too out of hand, you are doing your best and no one should complain. If someone does, that isn't very church-like behavior on their part! Good luck! I struggle with this with only two children and so having three little ones can't be easy. Do you have any friends or other relatives that could go with you when your husband does not? That might also help.

Girl I have felt your pain. See if any of your friends would babysit during one Mass and you watch their children for another. This worked for us for a few years. We began to take one child at a time Girls age 4, boys around 5, My sons are wiggly.
We added one child at a time until we where all sitting in Mass.
Good luck and you will make it.

Good Morning C., God Bless you for setting a good example for your children. I am not of your faith, and not sure if your Church has nursery options. That would be my first course of action when it is time for Communion. If that is not possible I would ask a friend that has received communion already to sit with your children until you return. I amazes me that NO one would offer to help you at this time in the service. Especially when they see you have your hands full and could use some help!!!! Shame on them for starring, and not helping. :) My Catholic friends would say, OK 10 Hail Mary's for ignoring this precious lady in Need :) Not putting down your beliefs or making fun of them either, our friends are very dedicated Catholics we are Pentecostals and we have the best puns and jokes we throw at each other.
Seriously though C. ask some one to set with your 4 and 2 yr old while you receive the sacrament. Years ago in our Church we passed the bread & wine through the pews, I had to remove or hold little hands not to touch several times. Letting them know they couldn't touch until they understood the meaning of this part of the service. When they were older understood and were committed to the Lord
(through salvation)they could participate. It wasn't snack time :)

Your creating a life long commitment and example to your little Angels.
God Bless you
K. Nana of 5

I feel your pain! We have 4 kids including a now 3 year old boy. He is a handful, and I even have my husband there to help! I think you are doing the right thing by taking them - you wouldn't want them thinking they have the option of not going! I like the ideas of taking books, coloring books & crayons (even better if they are about God!) or quiet toys. And I also like bribery - a sucker or playing on the playground if he's a good boy in church.

I don't know what size of parish you attend, but some are very large so you don't necessarily know your church "family". People probably think they are minding their own business. I'm sure there are plenty of mothers knowing exactly what you're going through. I don't know if you'd be comfortable asking for help from someone around you, but I would think they'd be happy to help - I know I would be! We ARE a family. :) You're not alone!!

Why would you expect a 2 yr old to behave in that environment? He does not know or care what is going on. If you want to pay attention to the service yourself, the only solution is: Don't bring him! Sunday school, nursery, or home with Daddy.

C.,
I feel your frustration as I am also Catholic and a single mom of two boys ages 5 and 3. Why is it that the Catholic church is so encouraging of having a family but doesn't offer much for young children to do during Mass?? Oh well, that's another issue! Do your children cross their arms to receive a blessing at communion? Somehow that makes mine feel more a part of things. I also noticed that contrary to where I usually choose to sit, the closer we are to the front, the better they behave. It's almost as if the further back we are the more they feel we aren't "really" there and they misbehave. I also use the tried and true tricks that not everyone agrees with of bringing a small bag of Cheerios for each one and church/God-themes books for them to look at. Does your husband ever take the children to his church since you mentioned he is a different religion? Maybe that would be a way you could go. If it is a matter of you really want the kids there with you, then maybe you could see if any older students would want to sit with you at church to assist you and they can use it as their service hours (most Catholic schools require something like this). I don't know where you belong, but another suggestion is if they have some kind of "praise and worship" Mass to attend that once and a while. My kids love the drums, and their noise is not as noticeable there! :) My last suggestion is not something I have done much, but I did have a friend who took her kids to daily Mass once and a while because it is a way to get them used the expectations of church behavior without it being so long. Hope some of these help! Good luck!

I have a two-year-old boy and a 10-month-old boy. My husband will be starting his vicarage, so he will be in the front of the church, leading the service. My older one howls whenever that happens because he wants to be with daddy. I'm not especially looking forward to sitting in the congregation during those times.

What I've found that works, though, really well, in fact, is getting him involved in the service. We use a liturgy, so it's the same every week. When he knows what's next, he's really excited to say with us all, "Hear our prayer" or "Lord have mercy." Maybe talk with the kids and let them know that they can already participate. We also pray the prayers or say what the pastor says in his ear so he feels like a part of what is going on. Can you help them memorize something that they can say with the congregation on Sundays? Songs also work that way, so if you know the songs you'll sing on Sunday, you can play them for the kids throughout the week. They'll get really excited during church when they can sing the songs with the adults. I promise!

As far as walking up the aisle...
My son loves to help. Can you give your son a job to do? Like carry little sister's blanket up for you, or hold older brother's hand, or anything else? That might work. Also, could your older one help out? Could he be your two-year-old's aisle and pew buddy?

I hope some of these help out. Let us know what happens! And may God bless you and your family.

I also am Catholic so I know your feelings of not wanting to miss Mass. Could your husband keep 1 or 2 of the kids home with him when he does not come with you. Also check to see if your Church has a nursery. I understand how you feel but it would be overwhelming to keep tabs of 3 children by yourself. We take our 2 grandsons with us, now 4 & 10 and still can not get the 4 year old to behave. We have had some very embarrassing moments in the last couple years.

Maybe find a new church that provides child care/sunday school for your kids.

I'm not Catholic but do they not have a nursery for the little ones. I know when my kids were little and in church with me I didn't get anything out of the service. If you can't put your 2 year old then maybe your baby girl could go to the nursery and then maybe you'd be able to control your son better. Or maybe ask someone around you to keep an eye on him while you take communion. Surely someone knows how you feel and would be willing to watch him for a few minutes. I know I would and have. I do hope you find a solution and you can get back to learning about our Lord. Good luck and God Bless.